This Would Make The “Swearing In” REALLY Exciting!

March 29, 2012

Humor

Senator Santorum swore!  He swore like a truck-drivin’ sailor who just hit his thumb with a hammer soaked in gasoline and thumbtacks!  There was more bleeping going on than a dump truck backing up over a crate of smoke alarms!  Teamsters were blushing.  Soldiers gasped and fainted.  Man oh, MAN did he curse up a storm!

Well, maybe not that much; he did say one swear word, though.  And since this is Rick Santorum – the “Creepy, Home-Schooled Kid Down The Street Who’s Allergic To Everything and Likes To Kill Bugs” of the Republican Party – swearing publicly at all is cause for just a little celebration.

What happened was a New York Times reporter was asking him about calling Mitt Romney “the worst republican in the country” (which he did, but that’s taking it really out of context).  He wouldn’t stop asking, so Santorum snapped, “Stop lying… if I see it [printed?] it’s bullshit.”

Please note that this story is being broadcast "Live." Ahhhh, now THAT'S journalism.

And so senator Santorum ran, ran, ran to Fox News, where they had cocoa waiting for him, with the little marshmallows, just like he likes, and they patted his head and assured him that the mean ol’ reporter wouldn’t bother him anymore.  And Santorum was happy, because he knew that there was absolutely no chance of being asked a difficult, complex question  there.

"Four score and seven God damn years ago, those sons-a-bitches over at the New York Times brought forth on this piece-of-crap continent..."

He then said, “If you haven’t cursed out a New York Times reporter during the course of a campaign, you’re not really a real Republican, is the way I look at it.”

Really?  Wow, do I feel silly!  I always thought a “real Republican” was someone who believed in the nation as a collection of autonomous states, unified under a single Constitution, thereby necessitating minimal regulation and intrusion in to the freedoms and policies of the states and individual citizenry.

I feel so dumb. It’s probably something I picked up on the schoolyard once.

It’s a good thing that’s not the definition of a Republican, because that’s about as far from what Santorum is as can be.  I mean, he wants to federally control EVERYTHING, including sex itself. You may have seen his quote about the “dangers of contraception in this country” and that the reason it’s so dangerous is that it’s  “a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.” (You really said that, Senator. Please don’t curse at me! I can’t take all your relentless profanity!)

President Obama, as seen through the eyes of the Republican campaign machine.

It’s also funny that he’s so concerned about accuracy suddenly.  He recently got a crowd fired up saying, “President Obama once said that he wants everyone in America to go to college.  What a snob.”  Which, of course, is its own issue, given the emerging needs of the global economy; but more pressing – it isn’t what the president said.  He said “every American should have the opportunity to go to college.”  Oh, well, that’s a pretty different statement, isn’t it? Which means either:

  1. Santorum knew he was misquoting and didn’t care, in which case you’re lying.
  2. Santorum didn’t know the real quote and was given the misquote by an aide who’s lying.
  3. No one on Santorum’s entire staff knew that wasn’t the real quote in which case they’re not liars, they’re just all incompetent.

Regardless, Santorum’s supporters should feel really excited about a candidate who gets that rattled by a reporter asking a question over and over.  The rest of us, though, just get to enjoy the mask slipping a little – like seeing your strict 5th grade teacher freaking out and cursing, or discovering a neighbor who always sniffs disapprovingly at your lawn passed out on his front porch.  Just a moment of smug gratification.

And that’s no bullshit.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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47 Comments on “This Would Make The “Swearing In” REALLY Exciting!”

  1. gingerfightback Says:

    Fascinating stuff – in the UK the big debate at the moment is the amount of sales tax to be levied on meat pies (depending upon the ambient temperature of the pie). The PM told a fib aobut the last time he ate a cornish pasty whilst the opposition were seen tucking into some pies in a pie shop in East London.

    I would suggest we swap our lads for your lads but methinks there would be no difference. Well, perhaps your savoury snacks may improve a bit.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Raising taxes on pasties!!!??? Over my dead body! You know, that was in the list of grievances against King George in the Declaration of Independence, I think.
      “He has refused legal passage of our trade ships. He has allowed his troops to plunder the homes of citizens. He has tried to charge way too much for pastry stuffed with parts of pigs that you’re really better off not knowing about.”

      Reply

  2. Life With The Top Down Says:

    Absolutely LOVE every word! I’m from PA, so its a double pleasure for me.

    Reply

  3. susielindau Says:

    This is HILARIOUS! I love your description of Santorum as the weird home-schooled kid who kills bugs. Priceless stuff here Byronic Man.

    I am going to tweet this with Santorum and political hashtags and see if he comes over to comment….I just hope he doesn’t cuss you out! Hahaha!

    Reply

  4. Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson Says:

    Oh my frickin’ hilarious! That rapscallions has a bleeping’ potty mouth. Plus he’s dumb as a rock. Wit, ignious rocks are smart. Especially when dressed in tuxedos. 😉

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Why doesn’t wp comments allow you to edit comments? Don’t you wonder? Maybe that’s a more expensive program. I don’t know how many times I’ve left a comment, hit “post comment” then seen my typo as the little wheel spins, and it’s too late.

      Reply

  5. Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson Says:

    *Wait* I meant “wait.” but lots of wit, too.

    Reply

  6. Valentine Logar Says:

    It is not quite 7:30 am on this fine and loverly Thursday morning. The Birds are a singing outside my window. The sun is up and thus it will be a loverly day (the red squiggly line must mean something but I am not sure what).

    Anywhoooo, I now have coffee all over my screen which I must clean before I continue with my day thanks to my laughter at your wonderful description of the wannabe President of the divided states of America….perfect.

    Thank you

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      By clicking on The Byronic Man you have legally absolved me of all potential damage to your computer. But making someone spit out food or drink (from laughter) is one of my great joys in life, so I’m glad I could help? hurt? your morning. I hope the birds didn’t fly away.

      Reply

      • Valentine Logar Says:

        You helped, my morning till that point was not wonderful. So what if there was coffee on the screen, it was clean moments afterward. The birds, well they never leave I make certain of it by putting seed out!

        The entire Right Candidate Pool are dumber than a bag of hair, but Ricky is swept from the floor of the Pink Ladies Salon on Saturday.

        Reply

  7. gojulesgo Says:

    I’m trying really hard not to mention the puppy in my comment. …Dammit.

    I agree with Susie – the home-schooling description was hilarious (as was the rest)! Although while laughing, part of me feels afraid. So afraid.

    Reply

  8. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    It’s choice #3 – they’re incompetent. To lie assumes they know what they’re talking about. And I’m not sure when the definition of “republican” changed, they were sneaky about that !
    The image of Santorum running away to the shelter of Fox with the hot cocoa & head pats will have me laughing all day !

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I suspect it’s mostly #3’s as well, though I’m certain there’s a few #2’w (haha! get it? It’s a double entendre!) in there who are bright, but amoral. It is a political campaign, after all. And i you misquote someone often enough it can overtake the real quote.

      Reply

  9. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Ok, I just came from Greatsby’s blog and between his recent post and your post here, I am not able to breathe any longer. Too frickin’ hysterical. You are killing me, B-man! Every line is classic.

    I am not surprised by Santorum’s swearing. I come from a state where our own Republican governor (that most of us didn’t elect) told Obama to “go to hell” and the NAACP to “kiss my butt”. Yes! And the guy actually thought things through BEFORE he uttered these things! So this little bullshit Santorum thing is nothing. And you know that the Republicans will only view him now as “telling it like it is” and spin this as some of kind of proof they’re down-to-earth people, blah blah blah.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Politicians seem to have trouble grasping the line between “Tough talkin’, take no crap leadership” and “ignorant bully asshole.” There’s no IQ test to be a politician and, as Nigel Tufnel once said, “It’s a fine line between clever and stupid.”

      Reply

  10. springfieldfem Says:

    Bahaha! Totally sharing on my FB page. And FYI, you made me laugh out loud this morning. My first laugh of the morning. That in itself is an achievement. 😉

    Reply

  11. thesinglecell Says:

    For me, the most favoritest part of that whole video was Santorum’s daughter off behind him to the side, looking at him like, “Dad. Chill! Seriously!” Also I find it entertaining that Santorum’s eyes go a little crossed when he gets worked up. I have a thing about people whose eyes are too close together. It’s a predator/prey trait from way back in evolu– oh, wait. That never happened.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      You weren’t about to say the E-word were you? Because there is absolutely no evidence at all anywhere that the ever happened that can’t be easily explained away with “God did that. Trying to trick us.”

      Reply

  12. Barneysday Says:

    Great post! I love it that I am not the only one writing about the insanity that is Rick Santorum. And it’s door number 1. A close associate of Santorum a few months back said he never says anything that he hasn’t carefully thought out. His deliberately inflammatory words are hurled out to his audiences to incite them.

    Keep up the good work.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Usually, with people you dislike, if you get to know them better you discover that they’re better than you thought. That there’s a humanity driving the things about them that bothered you. With politicians it tend to be the opposite.

      Reply

      • Barneysday Says:

        I know you’ve been thru this, but if Santorum is saying these kind of things now, just imagine what kind of tricks he would attempt if he were in office with a RepubliCANT congress?

        Reply

  13. crubin Says:

    I can’t wrap my head around the “dangers of contraception” thing. Are we to believe 17-year-olds should be using the rhythm method just like the Santorums did? Oh, wait, teens shouldn’t be having sex at all. Well, we’ll just tell those kids to stop, then. That always works…

    Reply

  14. they still let me vote Says:

    Your blog really cheered me up. I had “Googled” :
    ‘Sanatorium’
    Thinking (hoping?) it would produce a Results page saying:
    “Did you mean….SANTORUM?” but no….
    (Works with Santorium by the way)
    so I was deflated until your blog.
    On the plus side at least Rick (with a ‘silent’ P?) comes already “muppetized”……

    Reply

  15. tomwisk Says:

    Ricky is just mortified that he used potty words when that godless minion of that left-wing rag provoked him. We’ve threatened him with washing his mouth out with soap but he’s developed a taste for Irish Spring. If you hear him talk dirty again call his mom at RNC and we’ll paddle his fanny. (He’s getting to like that too.)

    Reply

  16. BrainRants Says:

    I am not impressed by any of the candidates from either party. We are being forced to choose the least-worst mouth breather to lead us.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      And, of course, any time someone comes along who deviates from the 2-party standard they’re branded as crazy and a threat to democracy. Of course, it doesn’t help that often they’re crazy… but still.

      Reply

  17. 1pointperspective Says:

    It’s really only a matter of time before Santorum belts out another classic. My money’s on “I know you are but what am I?” but there’s a good chance it will be the classic “I’m rubber, you’re glue – what sticks on me…wait…what?…how does that go?”

    As usual, you’ve simplified the funny pages for me so I don’t have to pay much more attention to politics than i already do – thanks for that!

    Reply

  18. Gow Says:

    Holy Canoli, this is just the best gosh darned post you’ve ever written! Gigglelicious from start to finish and the photo captions are fan-freakin’-tastic!

    That Byronic Man is one talented mother . . . . shut cho mouth!

    Reply

  19. becomingcliche Says:

    I laughed til I choked at your description of Santorum. Is it because he’s creepy or because I know a bunch o’ kids JUST LIKE THAT? Maybe both. I’m in hiding until the election is over.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      (Just between you and me, because I would never be so self-congratulatory, you know those moments writing when you just feel like BAM, nailed it? You just want to buy yourself an ice cream sandwich for your own cleverness? I may have felt that way at my own Santorum description.)

      Shhhhhh.

      Reply

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