A Beagle By Any Other Name…

March 27, 2012

Humor

People get kind of silly around babies and pets, don’t they?  Babies?  Fine.  All bets are off.  It’s like some biological imperative to let the baby know we’re not a threat by acting ridiculous.  Pets, though, people fall in to two rigid camps: ‘Getting Cutesy With Your Pets is Idiotic’ and “Mr. Barkington doesn’t see anything wrong with being cute with pets, does he?  No, he doesn’t!  No, he doesn’t!”

Then... there are the extremes...

For example, of course, there is “talking for the animal,” which I suspect is pretty common. You know, you say to my beagle, Clancy, “Do you want to go jogging?”  Then, while he sits there wagging excitedly, you respond in your patented ‘Clancy Voice,’ “Yeah!  Yes I do!  Let’s go jogging!  I am a jog-gin’ dog!”

Hypothetically, of course.  I would never engage in such silliness. I generally address my pets with a curt nod.

Some people – people far less rugged and masculine than I am – might even make up little theme songs for a pet.  Take my cat, Sammy, for example.  Someone could conceivably make a little song that goes:

Sammy cat, Sammy caaaaaat.
He’s pretty cute, but pretty faaaaat.
He’s Sammy caaaaaaaaaaaat!

 

If you can imagine…

The one I will admit to being guilty of, though, is the nickname.  Our pets have a crap ton of nicknames.  The aforementioned Clancy, for example.  He’s so used to his many nicknames that if he ever got lost I’d have to put up a poster that read:

Have You Seen Clancy?

35 pounds, beagle, male.

Attributes: very friendly; likes all foods except dog food; probably will be found laying on something soft.

What can I say? I'm a dog of many dimensions.

Also answers to:

Pupster

Flashclance

Beagle Pot Pie

Clancypants

The Pants

Clanciford de los Pantalones

Puppsy-Daisy

Pupsicle

Dog-billed Clancypus

Beagle Rocket

Honky-Tonk Beagle (Ideally sung to the tune of “Honky-Tonk Women”)

Reward if found: I will write a jingle about you and/or your pets.

What about you?  Which camp on the cute/non-cute issue are you in?  No, which side are you really on?  What nicknames do you come up with?

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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60 Comments on “A Beagle By Any Other Name…”

  1. madtante Says:

    Dogbilled Clancypuss FTW!

    I “speak” for Bobby because I hear him…in my HEAD! It’s a Doolittle thing. I’m talented; he’s just a dog.

    Reply

  2. joehoover Says:

    So you’re saying you do sing that to your cat? So if I confess that I may possibly have a song for mine that I am not gonna look foolish?

    Reply

  3. linneann Says:

    Definitely not a cutesy type of person. But creative. If I don’t call Princess by her name, I call her “girl.” 🙂 I talk to her but not for her. But I don’t talk to my female cat; she’s a prima donna and has no time for me.

    Reply

  4. A Broad at Home Says:

    My boyfriend’s roommate has a dog called Annie, who I call “Annifred.” Not completely sure why. I also like to hold her little face and sing her a song in an operatic voice that goes, “Youuuu are the loooove of my life!” Even though she’s not really. The boyfriend doesn’t really like that because I tend to sing that very same song to him when I’m feeling rather affectionate.

    And I only just now thought about what his roommate might think of me proclaiming my love to the dog. Hmm…

    Reply

  5. Blogdramedy Says:

    I love the name Clancy! The only other time I’ve seen it used is on my daughter’s birth certificate. No lie. 🙂

    Reply

  6. christine Says:

    Hilarious. And guilty as charged. Until recently, we had two dogs (our 11 year old girl passed away recently). They had political opinions, catch phrases, regional dialects and, yes, a crap-ton of nicknames (Esti: Esti-esterpants, Pucci, Puplestiltskin, Fluffybutt… and our Margot: Go-go, Gobbles, Gobbeldigook…).

    Not, of course, that you would ever do something so silly. 😉

    Cheers!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I hadn’t considered their political leanings. Though I suspect they’d be pretty adamant on their Constitutional right to ham products.

      And “puplestiltskin” is fantastic.

      Reply

  7. k8edid Says:

    Let’s see. Shelby is called Pupster, Shelbers, ShellBell, She Bangs (don’t ask), Lumpy Butt, Sweet Puppy (all 95 pounds of her), Dog Breath, Prettiest Puppy in the Whole Wide World (spoken in the voice usually reserved for especially cute babies) and, occasionally by her Native American name Barks at Butterflies. Oh, and when she has captured another wild animal foolish enough to enter the yard, Killer.

    Reply

  8. Life With The Top Down Says:

    My Beagle Chester also answers to Pop,Popsicle, Pudding Pop, Chess, Woo Woo Wa Wa, Sicle, Sicle Sox and Sickle Cell Anemia (no explanation other than insanity). These aren’t really “cute” as much as they are creative adaptations….yea, that’s it.
    Loved this post!!

    Reply

  9. gojulesgo Says:

    hee hee heeeee I love this post like I love champagne. it’s like I’m in my own house! Whlie Uncle Jesse really DOES answer to “Uncle Jesse”, he is also known as: Tio (or Tio Jesse, pronounced Tio Yesse), This Man, Jesse Boy or J Boy, Stavros (Uncle Jesse’s evil twin from “Full House”; this one for when he’s acting up)…

    I’ve also written him a tune called “Big Ideas in a Tiny Head.”

    Reply

  10. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    Ha – totally knew you were a sucker for the pets !
    My golden retriever, the love of my life, named Chase (cuz thats what he did…) answered to :
    Chaser, Sir Chase-Alot, ChaserDoodle, Doodlebug, PuppyWuppy ,Snugglepuppy, and Mr. Snuffles. My cat, no. She doesnt even acknowledge her own name…..she only wishes to sit on a lap & be adored.
    I’m loving Clancypants….couldnt say why.

    Reply

  11. sj Says:

    The first cat we had when we got married was named The Lord (after the man who ruled the galaxy’s cat), but he only answered to a clicking noise. He would come running when you clicked. Also, because he was a boy cat, our oldest called him Dada Kitty.

    Those are it. I’m not a nickname kind of person.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I don’t think anyone sets out to be a nickname person. You just suddenly discover one day that you are, and there’s no going back. No my wife and I have ongoing debates over who came up with the best ones. I did, by the way. All of them. Shhhhh.

      Reply

  12. lexy3587 Says:

    I definitely talk ‘to’…but I avoid talking ‘for’, unless I’m having a conversation with someone in which we’re guessing what the dog might be thinking. At which point, ‘he’ kind of sounds like Eeyore. My lost dog sign would probably read, “Gwynn – also answers to your dog’s name if you have ever come into contact with dog treats, or have ever put your hand in your coat pocket” He also answers to Boo Boo, Handsome, good boy, fluffmonster and ‘sit’

    Reply

  13. tomwisk Says:

    Once upon a time a neighbor had a beagle. It was a rock star during puppyhood, but sadly when he approached adulthood he lost the sparkle of youth and spent too much time at the food bowl and being coddled by his owner. After a while his belly nearly reached the ground along with his man parts. He was the laughingstock of all the pets in the neighborhood. He would spend his days sitting on the front porch with his genitalia hanging over the step and his belly causing him to lean toward the left. He disappeared one day. Some said he was brought to the vet and put to sleep. I believe he waddled off into the woods and became a respected elder in a pack of semi-wild pet rejects.

    Reply

  14. pegoleg Says:

    I can’t believe someone would do that to their cat, what you show in your picture. C’mon people, let’s show some dignity. It’s a CAT, not a toy, for goodness sake!

    Now that dog…can I get a print of that?

    Reply

  15. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Let’s see…pet names. Cujo-baby (cat, not a rabid dog), Mr. Bigg, Cashius Clay, Lint, Fluffy-lint, Conan O’ Brien, Mr. Furley…

    Reply

  16. BrainRants Says:

    I suspect that Sammy Cat song is sung to the tune of “Smelly Cat.”

    I normally address my cat(s) as: F**k, f**ker, s**thead, s**tfactory and go away.

    Reply

  17. susielindau Says:

    I love Clancey-pants! So funny! My dog has a boat load of names too. I just realized that she only comes to her name and not the word “come.” Oops~!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      My dogs have been carefully trained to only come after I’ve said it 8 times, then gotten mad and yelled, “God damn it, get over here!” and then stomped over to where they are and physically moved them. It took a long time, but it was worth all the training.

      Reply

  18. thesinglecell Says:

    Is it weird that I don’t even have a dog and I already know what I want to name and nickname it? I have a cat. I’m pretty strict about not being the mommy and the cat not being the baby or the child. I mean… single woman, with cat? doesn’t look good if there’s a lot of extra love there. I do talk to her, but usually only in the sense of greeting her, asking her if she’s hungry, making her get off stuff, telling her to stop her infernal caterwauling, and telling her it’s time for bed. Which she tends to already know. As for nicknames… her name is Lexi, and her nicknames are Lex, LexiCat, LexiGirl, Girly, GirlyGirl, PsychoKitty, CrazyCat, Miss Thang, Goof and, lately, when she’s really irritating me, Alexandra. Which is not her full name. Her full name is just Lexi.

    Reply

  19. 1pointperspective Says:

    Kudos to you sir on the use of the phrase “crap ton” ! While I have entirely too much respect for you as a blogger extraordinaire to re-use it in anything which I write here, I do plan on employing the phrase in my day to day conversations as soon as possible. Enjoyed the piece immensely.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I’d recommend the phrase “Crap ton (copyright 2012, Byronic Man)”. So, you could be in Costco, or something, and see a 96-pack of Saltines and say, “Wow, that is a crap-ton (copyright 2012, Byronic Man) of crackers!”

      See? It just rolls off the tongue.

      Reply

  20. Life in the Boomer Lane Says:

    I hope that cat and dog eventually ripped out the jugular of whoever dressed them that way.

    Reply

  21. Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson Says:

    We tried a dog. Epic fail. I respect. People love their pets. I get it. But I don’t want one. And I wish my neighbor’s dog would shut up. Seriously. No one’s dog is cute at 6 am. Ever.

    Reply

  22. Curly Carly Says:

    How funny, I just wrote a post about my Beagle today! I love the nicknames you listed, very creative. I just got my dog 2 weeks ago. My main goal is to stop calling her by the wrong name and then I’ll come up with some nicknames after that.

    Reply

  23. freddyflow Says:

    Reblogged this on freddyflow and commented:
    My pet, my self…

    Reply

  24. dillettantewitterings Says:

    My family has always had an odd tendency of giving long, bizarrely formal nicknames to our pets. We had a staffy we named Eric, which somehow became Theodore Brunswick, and spunky, our toy fox terrier became Alvin Cockerspoons.

    Reply

  25. PCC Advantage Says:

    “I generally address my pets with a curt nod.” ~ I stare at mine in the face and don’t say a word until they are too uncomfortable to keep looking at me, and then they walk away in utter confusion. I find that this lets them know how much I really love them.

    Also, I had a cat named Samson whom I also dubbed as Sammy Cat. I don’t know why those words flow together so well, but they do.

    As for my dog, Alf, I called him:
    – Alf-a Dog
    – Alfredo Sauce
    – Alfalfa sprouts
    – Alfarama
    – and, sometimes, Sir Puppenstein the Fifth

    Reply

  26. Audrey Says:

    My boyfriend’s grandma talks to the family pets like they’re people, asking them questions and the like. I wouldn’t mind so much if I didn’t get confused thinking that she’s talking to me half that time. It’s kind of awkward have any older lady ask you if you need to go potty outside…

    Reply

  27. Elyse Says:

    My dog really can talk. Cooper the Super Pooper. He leaves messages, too. Often in the form of Poop.

    But a previous dog demanded beer. Goliath had a taste for it, and at 120 pounds, few refused him. I, naturally, have no idea where he got this taste…

    Reply

  28. jamie Says:

    I would not want to be a member of any cat’s club that would have me as a member of it (imagine that that is less awkward & more witty). OR any self-respecting cat would pluck the eyeball from your head and play with it for presuming to speak the cutesy talk to it’s Eminence.

    Reply

  29. bellesogni Says:

    I always talked to my pets like another person. You know, “Get off that couch right now!”

    Reply

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