Hello, sweetie! Wait, don’t come in, I have Valentine’s surprises aplenty waiting for you. Close your eyes. No cheating! Okay, I’ll lead you in. No, just leave your things out here on the stoop; they’ll be fine. Yes, I know your laptop is in your bag, it’ll be perfectly safe.
And it'll get the tub clean, too!
Aaaaand, a step up, a couple to the left… okay, ready for the first surprise? Open your eyes! Ta-da! I’ve drawn you a romantic bath! A steaming, hot champagne bubble bath! Hm? Dish soap! I know you don’t like froofy scented bubble bath, so I used dish soap, just for you! Real champagne, though. Ooh la la.
It is too a thing. A champagne bath. It is so, it’s a…!
Okay, fine. No, it doesn’t sound appealing right now. That’s okay.
I made dinner for us, too! Sort of. It, well, there were some problems with… maybe you heard all those sirens earlier? Long story short: we’re ordering pizza, and I’m going to be on the news! But the important part is you get pizza. As for toppings? Ladies choice.
And nothing weird, like mint leaves or corn or something.
Except no sausage. Their sausage makes me gassy.
Ah, I see your looking toward the bedroom. I know what your thinking. The grand finale. And right about now you’re asking yourself, ‘What’s that terrible noise and horrific stench?’ And well you might wonder.
You remember how you said you wanted a new dog? Get ready to think I’m the greatest partner in the world as you say hello to your thirty-seven new dogs! Each named for a reason that I love you!
I had fifty reasons, but there just weren’t that many dogs.
That’s “The Sparkle In Your Eyes,” that one’s “The Little Murmur Sound You Make When You’re Dreaming,” that one’s, um, maybe “How Excited You Get At Christmas”? Maybe?
Look at ‘em! Aren’t they cute? STOP THAT. “YOUR SMILE,” “THE TIME WE MADE GNOCCHI;” BAD DOGS.
No, "Night We Saw That Meteor Shower"! That's... well, I guess the other shoe's already a goner.
Well, not all thirty-seven are going to get along, you have to be realistic about that.
That? Um, I’m pretty sure that was the bedspread. Wow. They made quick work of that, didn’t they? What? You’re going to have to talk louder. What do you mean ‘Why the bedroom?’? As opposed to where? The bathroom? Spatially, that’s just not logical.
No, the windows are already open. The firemen opened all of them when they were here. I think that smell’s about as good as it’s going to get. Well, except they’ll dry off, obviously. From the kiddie pool, of course; how else would they have gotten so wet? – oh, they’ve popped the pool, that’s why you can’t see it. Uh, ever try to find a dog bowl for thirty-seven? Instead of complaining, how about “Way to problem solve?”
Okay, sweetie, you get acquainted with your new pals. I’m off to light some candles – oh, wait, they confiscated those. But I’m going to set a romantic mood and set up a movie for us to watch. Your choice: either A Fistful Of Dollars or this National Geographic video about Egypt. Everything else got a little damaged when the firemen smashed out that wall for ventilation.
And, sweetie? Happy Valentine’s day.
The Byronic Man 
February 14, 2012 at 3:44 am
If you’re partner is reading this, I don’t think you should expect anyone home tonight 🙂 Safer to just stick with the movie – I know that’s what we’ll end up doing 🙂
February 14, 2012 at 6:17 am
She has to come home. I have her stuff.
February 14, 2012 at 4:12 am
“Wet Dog” is my preferred scent. And somehow, I married.
February 14, 2012 at 6:17 am
Madame can find our “Wet Dog” perfume in this case here, right behind the Chanel “Urine After Eating Asparagus” and Calvin Klein’s “Bathmat That’s Never Been Laundered.”
February 14, 2012 at 4:26 am
I think I could handle any of this except the fact that you wasted champagne.
Happy Valentine’s Day to you and Mrs. B-Man!!
February 14, 2012 at 6:14 am
I used to think I hated champagne because I’d only ever had cheaper stuff. I called it “headache juice.” Then I had some of the good stuff…
February 14, 2012 at 4:50 am
Well,, at least it’s a Valentine’s Day to remember! Who needs a bauble when you’ve got 37 smelly dogs and a pizza?
February 14, 2012 at 6:12 am
Can you imagine 37 dogs staring at you with white-hot intensity as you eat pizza? That’s the stuff memories are made of.
February 14, 2012 at 5:03 am
think about all the money you can make by interbreeding them and how much fun it will be to eventually have your very own yet short lived breed.
February 14, 2012 at 6:11 am
It’s the latest thing! It’s a chihua-dachsu-labri-shepa-masti-doodle!
February 14, 2012 at 5:27 am
Spoken like a true romantic.
February 14, 2012 at 6:10 am
Darn tootin’.
February 14, 2012 at 5:30 am
I came to read your blog and everywhere I look around
I see dogs barking at every sight and every sound
And I don’t know if you’re being foolish
I don’t know if you’re being wise
But it’s something that sweetie must believe in
‘Cause she’s the one who has to look you in your eyes….before she runs screaming from the room.
Happy V-Day! Hope your troops are up to the challenges this day brings. 🙂
February 14, 2012 at 6:10 am
I thought about responding to people’s comments today with phrases from candy hearts, but quickly realized that could cause a lot of need for explanation.
Thanks for the poem!
February 14, 2012 at 6:57 am
She’s one lucky lady! If this is the way you celebrate an average V-Day, I can’t imagine how you go all out for a big milestone – like the anniversary of the night you made gnocchi.
Have a great one!
February 14, 2012 at 9:51 am
Can you say, “37 cats”?
February 14, 2012 at 7:04 am
Calvin Klein’s “Bathmat That’s Never Been Laundered.”
February 14, 2012 at 9:51 am
I’m pretty pleased with that one, myself. Don’t be surprised if that turns up in a post in the near future.
February 14, 2012 at 7:31 am
Totally swoon-worthy.
February 14, 2012 at 9:53 am
I’m thinking I should write a book of romantic tips.
February 14, 2012 at 8:11 am
It’s possible this scenario makes me glad I’m not married. Hmmm.
February 14, 2012 at 9:54 am
If this scenario occurs pre-marriage its easier to sue, though.
February 14, 2012 at 8:35 am
Mrs. Byronic has a few surprises in store for her, it sounds like. Fortunate favored one…
February 14, 2012 at 9:55 am
Wait until she sees that her car is filled with candy hearts!
February 14, 2012 at 8:40 am
Maybe I should be glad my husband usually forgets Valentine’s?
February 14, 2012 at 9:55 am
See? That’s the spirit!
February 14, 2012 at 9:56 am
You win for “most romantic” hands down – Many would appreciate a puppy to represent every special moment ever ! I am going to anonymously send this to my sweetie, He’s gets an A in this area, but would not be brave enough to do the puppy thing!
Oh, I think “champagne bath” means champagne to sip while soaking away in a bubble bath, but your way works too. …
February 15, 2012 at 6:10 am
If it’s called “champagne bath” then, by God, someone’s taking a bath in champagne!
February 14, 2012 at 1:56 pm
We celebrate the day after Valentine’s Day just for spite of all of the day’s usual obligations. You know, the flowers, presents, bubble baths and champagne. Yeah, we do that all on Feb. 15 instead. Take that, commercialized, fake holiday! (Oooh, I can’t wait!)
February 15, 2012 at 6:10 am
Plus then you don’t have to deal with restaurants and their “Valentine’s Specials” (aka: hiked prices and reduced menus)
February 14, 2012 at 5:46 pm
And I thought spending my Valentine’s staring at chickens and sipping coffee was something. This made my day! Hope the rest of your guys’ Valentine’s Day is sweet 🙂
February 15, 2012 at 6:11 am
Thanks! You too.