Love Is In The Air. Also Smoke. And The Smell Of Wet Dog.

February 14, 2012

Humor

Hello, sweetie!  Wait, don’t come in, I have Valentine’s surprises aplenty waiting for you.  Close your eyes.  No cheating! Okay, I’ll lead you in.  No, just leave your things out here on the stoop; they’ll be fine.  Yes, I know your laptop is in your bag, it’ll be perfectly safe.

And it'll get the tub clean, too!

Aaaaand, a step up, a couple to the left… okay, ready for the first surprise?  Open your eyes!  Ta-da!  I’ve drawn you a romantic bath!  A steaming, hot champagne bubble bath!  Hm? Dish soap!  I know you don’t like froofy scented bubble bath, so I used dish soap, just for you!  Real champagne, though.  Ooh la la.

It is too a thing.  A champagne bath.  It is so, it’s a…!

Okay, fine.  No, it doesn’t sound appealing right now.  That’s okay.

I made dinner for us, too!  Sort of.  It, well, there were some problems with… maybe you heard all those sirens earlier?  Long story short: we’re ordering pizza, and I’m going to be on the news!  But the important part is you get pizza.  As for toppings?  Ladies choice.

And nothing weird, like mint leaves or corn or something.

Except no sausage.  Their sausage makes me gassy.

Ah, I see your looking toward the bedroom.  I know what your thinking.  The grand finale.  And right about now you’re asking yourself, ‘What’s that terrible noise and horrific stench?’  And well you might wonder.

You remember how you said you wanted a new dog?  Get ready to think I’m the greatest partner in the world as you say hello to your thirty-seven new dogs!  Each named for a reason that I love you!

I had fifty reasons, but there just weren’t that many dogs.

That’s “The Sparkle In Your Eyes,” that one’s “The Little Murmur Sound You Make When You’re Dreaming,” that one’s, um, maybe “How Excited You Get At Christmas”?  Maybe?

Look at ‘em!  Aren’t they cute?  STOP THAT.  “YOUR SMILE,” “THE TIME WE MADE GNOCCHI;” BAD DOGS.

No, "Night We Saw That Meteor Shower"! That's... well, I guess the other shoe's already a goner.

Well, not all thirty-seven are going to get along, you have to be realistic about that.

That?  Um, I’m pretty sure that was the bedspread.  Wow.  They made quick work of that, didn’t they?  What? You’re going to have to talk louder.  What do you mean ‘Why the bedroom?’?  As opposed to where?  The bathroom?  Spatially, that’s just not logical.

No, the windows are already open.   The firemen opened all of them when they were here.  I think that smell’s about as good as it’s going to get.  Well, except they’ll dry off, obviously.  From the kiddie pool, of course; how else would they have gotten so wet? – oh, they’ve popped the pool, that’s why you can’t see it. Uh, ever try to find a dog bowl for thirty-seven?  Instead of complaining, how about “Way to problem solve?”

Okay, sweetie, you get acquainted with your new pals.  I’m off to light some candles – oh, wait, they confiscated those.  But I’m going to set a romantic mood and set up a movie for us to watch.  Your choice: either A Fistful Of Dollars or this National Geographic video about Egypt.  Everything else got a little damaged when the firemen smashed out that wall for ventilation.

And, sweetie?  Happy Valentine’s day.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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32 Comments on “Love Is In The Air. Also Smoke. And The Smell Of Wet Dog.”

  1. Casey Marriott Says:

    If you’re partner is reading this, I don’t think you should expect anyone home tonight 🙂 Safer to just stick with the movie – I know that’s what we’ll end up doing 🙂

    Reply

  2. Elyse Says:

    “Wet Dog” is my preferred scent. And somehow, I married.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Madame can find our “Wet Dog” perfume in this case here, right behind the Chanel “Urine After Eating Asparagus” and Calvin Klein’s “Bathmat That’s Never Been Laundered.”

      Reply

  3. gojulesgo Says:

    I think I could handle any of this except the fact that you wasted champagne.

    Happy Valentine’s Day to you and Mrs. B-Man!!

    Reply

  4. Snoring Dog Studio Says:

    Well,, at least it’s a Valentine’s Day to remember! Who needs a bauble when you’ve got 37 smelly dogs and a pizza?

    Reply

  5. edrevets Says:

    think about all the money you can make by interbreeding them and how much fun it will be to eventually have your very own yet short lived breed.

    Reply

  6. becomingcliche Says:

    Spoken like a true romantic.

    Reply

  7. Blogdramedy Says:

    I came to read your blog and everywhere I look around
    I see dogs barking at every sight and every sound
    And I don’t know if you’re being foolish
    I don’t know if you’re being wise
    But it’s something that sweetie must believe in
    ‘Cause she’s the one who has to look you in your eyes….before she runs screaming from the room.

    Happy V-Day! Hope your troops are up to the challenges this day brings. 🙂

    Reply

  8. Jackie Cangro Says:

    She’s one lucky lady! If this is the way you celebrate an average V-Day, I can’t imagine how you go all out for a big milestone – like the anniversary of the night you made gnocchi.
    Have a great one!

    Reply

  9. madtante Says:

    Calvin Klein’s “Bathmat That’s Never Been Laundered.”

    Reply

  10. Tori Nelson Says:

    Totally swoon-worthy.

    Reply

  11. thesinglecell Says:

    It’s possible this scenario makes me glad I’m not married. Hmmm.

    Reply

  12. audreygjohnson Says:

    Mrs. Byronic has a few surprises in store for her, it sounds like. Fortunate favored one…

    Reply

  13. benzeknees Says:

    Maybe I should be glad my husband usually forgets Valentine’s?

    Reply

  14. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    You win for “most romantic” hands down – Many would appreciate a puppy to represent every special moment ever ! I am going to anonymously send this to my sweetie, He’s gets an A in this area, but would not be brave enough to do the puppy thing!
    Oh, I think “champagne bath” means champagne to sip while soaking away in a bubble bath, but your way works too. …

    Reply

  15. cassiebehle Says:

    We celebrate the day after Valentine’s Day just for spite of all of the day’s usual obligations. You know, the flowers, presents, bubble baths and champagne. Yeah, we do that all on Feb. 15 instead. Take that, commercialized, fake holiday! (Oooh, I can’t wait!)

    Reply

  16. Rocket Says:

    And I thought spending my Valentine’s staring at chickens and sipping coffee was something. This made my day! Hope the rest of your guys’ Valentine’s Day is sweet 🙂

    Reply

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