Mark Wahlberg, the actor best known for being an action star, but in what, exactly, you can never really recall, recently gave an interview in which he explains the tragedy of September 11, 2001.
No, not that tragedy. The tragedy that he wasn’t on one of the planes that day.
"Yo, those knives and para-military training are no match for these guns, Abdul."
Seriously. Wahlberg was, apparently, supposed to be on one of the planes that day, but switched flights several days earlier to get to the Toronto Film Festival early. And, according to this recent interview with Men’s Journal, this is to the misfortune of us all because, as he explains, “If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did… There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”
Oh, Marky Mark, we all lament that no one on those planes had the courage and training of a novelty rapper turned movie actor, but what good is it to us now?
When I think about all the tragedies that could have been avoided if only people who pretend to be things that other people actually are had been there, it, well it just breaks my heart.
To be there to tell Hitler, as he started to cross in to Poland, “Hey, Adolf, cut the shit!” and send the Nazi war machine home crying in its giant beer steins.
To go to the slave market in New Orleans and say, “Slavery is wrong. You’re all free!” and then beat up all the slave traders.
"Oh, thank God! But Reynolds has come to free us!"
To be in London on 7/7 and drive through the streets at a break-neck pace, brow furrowed with handsome intensity yelling at people to get out of his way as he arrives to beat up every bomber just seconds before each detonation.
To be in Rwanda in 1994 to say, “Genocide? Nah, not on my watch,” then roundhouse kick people until they all went home.
To say, “Hey, Spanish Inquisition, I got an inquiry for you – you want a Hertz Donut?” Then when they say yes, punch them in the face so their funny hats fly off and say, “Hurts, Don’t it!?”
To be in Jonestown as Jim Jones is preparing the lethal kool-aid, then blow up the house he’s in and walk away from the exploding house in slow-motion.
But I suppose we should just be grateful when they are there for us. Reminding us how lucky we are to have them. That without them the world would be non-stop misery and death. And that there ain’t no IQ test to be a movie star.
The Byronic Man 
January 20, 2012 at 7:34 am
You know, I used to love Marky Mark, but since he dropped The Funky Bunch…
January 20, 2012 at 9:30 am
To be fair, he was the most talented one in that band. And, arguably, the funkiest.
January 20, 2012 at 8:09 am
Love the analogies, imagine the world now had Marky Mark saved the day each time.
Had he been on the plane he wouldn’t have remade The Italian Job…..He also wouldn’t have starred in The Happening, a film where the trees make people kill themselves, That’s a spolier but you may aswell know now to save the bother of watching it.
January 20, 2012 at 9:34 am
I think a series of history books in which movie stars save humanity over and over is called for.
January 20, 2012 at 2:36 pm
But honestly… The Italian Job was an excellent movie.
January 20, 2012 at 8:20 am
Oh, I still love Marky — for the Italian Job.
But the answer to your title question — what they can’t seem to do is stay married.
January 20, 2012 at 9:35 am
Who has time for family with all these tragedies to avert?
January 20, 2012 at 8:53 am
Someone needs to punch Marky Mark in his stupid face. What made him think he could do anything other than pose in his undies, anyway?
January 20, 2012 at 9:36 am
Psh, good luck. As soon as you took a swing he’d be all, “HYAH!” WHAM! POW! ROUNDHOUSE KICK!
By which I mean, of course, that his security personnel would pin you down and then he’d sue you.
January 21, 2012 at 4:44 pm
I was just telling my dad about this. His response was “WOW, could he have possibly made himself sound like a bigger pompous douchebag?!”
January 21, 2012 at 6:19 pm
In a small, small way I almost feel for him. If he has an ounce of self-awareness I’m sure he’s just cringing and groaning every time he thinks about it.
January 20, 2012 at 9:34 am
Seriously? OMG what an ego!
January 20, 2012 at 9:42 am
I heard people talking about this. I have to feel sorry for the guy–if he’s like me (which he’s not, you’ve seen the fat photo of my arse by now–and I’m not wealthy or a guy), he says stoopid shite ALL THE TIME. I’m nobody, so nobody listens. It’s why I stay a nobody. 🙂
January 20, 2012 at 11:27 am
Well said, Byron. If only, huh…..every tragedy in life would have been avoided for sure. I often wish Marky Mark would show up whenever something goes wrong in my life so he can kick the crap out of people for me. That smirk alone in the top picture could kill. God, he’s such a hero! And Italian Job…I know that one, it’s where they zip around in those little tiny cars, right? Oh and …”it’s such a good vibration….c’mon c’mon c’mon!”
January 20, 2012 at 1:41 pm
Bravado is an oozingly attractive characteristic in a man, no? Your talk of roundhouse kicks makes me think of Chuck Norris. He’s really the only action star who can say what Mark Wahlberg said and not be wrong. Chuck Norris would hijack the hijackers. (But I do give Wahlberg credit for what sounds, in the quote, like a sincere and profound apology for being a dipsh*t.)
January 20, 2012 at 4:19 pm
He did, that’s true. He hindered it a bit by saying that the reporter “trapped him” in to talking about 9/11 when he was there to promote a movie when A) Wahlberg has brought up his 9/11 connection MANY times over the years and B) just how addled do you have to be to be “trapped” in to claiming that you could have single-handedly averted 9/11?
But, it’s true he apologized.
January 20, 2012 at 2:37 pm
“Hurts don’t it?”
That always makes me giggle. Always.
January 20, 2012 at 3:15 pm
“Have you every wanted to own land? Well, here’s a couple of ‘acres’!” (followed by either two punches or a kick to the groin)
Classic material, right there.
January 20, 2012 at 4:55 pm
Hahahahaha! *snort* I haven’t heard that one before. That’s hilarious! My husband is rolling his eyes. Whatever.
January 21, 2012 at 6:57 am
Ahhh yes, I heard Marky Mark, er, Sir Wahlberg, apologizing on a local (NY) radio station yesterday. Is it wrong that I thought he sounded pretty badass in his apology?
A “Hertz Donut” – HA! That’d show ’em.
January 21, 2012 at 7:30 am
I’m sure he’s doing the apology circuit all around the nation.
January 21, 2012 at 4:22 pm
Somehow, this debacle got past me without my taking note. It was probably because I was busy wrapping up my memoirs to send to my agent, in which I present the Battle of Wounded Knee, the Spanish influenza, the Exxon oil spill and the Little Ice Age, and explain how, had I been there, none of them would have occurred.
January 21, 2012 at 6:17 pm
If I’d been at your house, this debacle would have never gotten past you without your noticing. I’d have taken care of everything.
January 21, 2012 at 4:54 pm
It is obvious that he is living in the fantasy of his own mind! Geez!
January 21, 2012 at 6:24 pm
I’m sure that’s exactly it: this is a product of hero day-dreams that he blurted out without thinking. That or he’s the worst person in America.
January 22, 2012 at 1:30 am
I shall host a facepalm party in the honor of Mr. Wahlberg.
January 22, 2012 at 8:55 am
I’m sure he’d appreciate it – just make sure everyone there has ripped abs.
January 22, 2012 at 1:36 pm
I guess that means I will be missing my own party, dang!
January 23, 2012 at 5:59 am
Just draw them on with a felt-marker. It’s sooooo much easier than the other way.
January 22, 2012 at 11:37 am
Not to be all women’s lib (cuz I’m not – my current occupation is “June Cleaver”) but I believe Kate Beckensale (Salene/ Underworld) or the new chick in the Dragon Tattoo movie could have done some serious re-writing of history as well ! 9-11 would have gone done MUCH differently had Lisbeth Salander been on board one of those planes.