Mark Wahlberg, the actor best known for being an action star, but in what, exactly, you can never really recall, recently gave an interview in which he explains the tragedy of September 11, 2001.
No, not that tragedy. The tragedy that he wasn’t on one of the planes that day.
Seriously. Wahlberg was, apparently, supposed to be on one of the planes that day, but switched flights several days earlier to get to the Toronto Film Festival early. And, according to this recent interview with Men’s Journal, this is to the misfortune of us all because, as he explains, “If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did… There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”
Oh, Marky Mark, we all lament that no one on those planes had the courage and training of a novelty rapper turned movie actor, but what good is it to us now?
When I think about all the tragedies that could have been avoided if only people who pretend to be things that other people actually are had been there, it, well it just breaks my heart.
To be there to tell Hitler, as he started to cross in to Poland, “Hey, Adolf, cut the shit!” and send the Nazi war machine home crying in its giant beer steins.
To go to the slave market in New Orleans and say, “Slavery is wrong. You’re all free!” and then beat up all the slave traders.
To be in London on 7/7 and drive through the streets at a break-neck pace, brow furrowed with handsome intensity yelling at people to get out of his way as he arrives to beat up every bomber just seconds before each detonation.
To be in Rwanda in 1994 to say, “Genocide? Nah, not on my watch,” then roundhouse kick people until they all went home.
To say, “Hey, Spanish Inquisition, I got an inquiry for you – you want a Hertz Donut?” Then when they say yes, punch them in the face so their funny hats fly off and say, “Hurts, Don’t it!?”
To be in Jonestown as Jim Jones is preparing the lethal kool-aid, then blow up the house he’s in and walk away from the exploding house in slow-motion.
But I suppose we should just be grateful when they are there for us. Reminding us how lucky we are to have them. That without them the world would be non-stop misery and death. And that there ain’t no IQ test to be a movie star.