Movie Stars: Is There Anything They Can’t Do?

January 20, 2012

Humor

Mark Wahlberg, the actor best known for being an action star, but in what, exactly, you can never really recall, recently gave an interview in which he explains the tragedy of September 11, 2001.

No, not that tragedy.  The tragedy that he wasn’t on one of the planes that day.

"Yo, those knives and para-military training are no match for these guns, Abdul."

Seriously.  Wahlberg was, apparently, supposed to be on one of the planes that day, but switched flights several days earlier to get to the Toronto Film Festival early.  And, according to this recent interview with Men’s Journal, this is to the misfortune of us all because, as he explains, “If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did… There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

Oh, Marky Mark, we all lament that no one on those planes had the courage and training of a novelty rapper turned movie actor, but what good is it to us now?

When I think about all the tragedies that could have been avoided if only people who pretend to be things that other people actually are had been there, it, well it just breaks my heart.

To be there to tell Hitler, as he started to cross in to Poland, “Hey, Adolf, cut the shit!” and send the Nazi war machine home crying in its giant beer steins.

To go to the slave market in New Orleans and say, “Slavery is wrong.  You’re all free!” and then beat up all the slave traders.

"Oh, thank God! But Reynolds has come to free us!"

To be in London on 7/7 and drive through the streets at a break-neck pace, brow furrowed with handsome intensity yelling at people to get out of his way as he arrives to beat up every bomber just seconds before each detonation.

To be in Rwanda in 1994 to say, “Genocide? Nah, not on my watch,” then roundhouse kick people until they all went home.

To say, “Hey, Spanish Inquisition, I got an inquiry for you – you want a Hertz Donut?”  Then when they say yes, punch them in the face so their funny hats fly off and say, “Hurts, Don’t it!?”

To be in Jonestown as Jim Jones is preparing the lethal kool-aid, then blow up the house he’s in and walk away from the exploding house in slow-motion.

But I suppose we should just be grateful when they are there for us.  Reminding us how lucky we are to have them.  That without them the world would be non-stop misery and death.  And that there ain’t no IQ test to be a movie star.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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31 Comments on “Movie Stars: Is There Anything They Can’t Do?”

  1. Kitchen Slattern Says:

    You know, I used to love Marky Mark, but since he dropped The Funky Bunch…

    Reply

  2. joehoover Says:

    Love the analogies, imagine the world now had Marky Mark saved the day each time.

    Had he been on the plane he wouldn’t have remade The Italian Job…..He also wouldn’t have starred in The Happening, a film where the trees make people kill themselves, That’s a spolier but you may aswell know now to save the bother of watching it.

    Reply

  3. Elyse Says:

    Oh, I still love Marky — for the Italian Job.

    But the answer to your title question — what they can’t seem to do is stay married.

    Reply

  4. booksnob Says:

    Someone needs to punch Marky Mark in his stupid face. What made him think he could do anything other than pose in his undies, anyway?

    Reply

  5. benzeknees Says:

    Seriously? OMG what an ego!

    Reply

  6. madtante Says:

    I heard people talking about this. I have to feel sorry for the guy–if he’s like me (which he’s not, you’ve seen the fat photo of my arse by now–and I’m not wealthy or a guy), he says stoopid shite ALL THE TIME. I’m nobody, so nobody listens. It’s why I stay a nobody. 🙂

    Reply

  7. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Well said, Byron. If only, huh…..every tragedy in life would have been avoided for sure. I often wish Marky Mark would show up whenever something goes wrong in my life so he can kick the crap out of people for me. That smirk alone in the top picture could kill. God, he’s such a hero! And Italian Job…I know that one, it’s where they zip around in those little tiny cars, right? Oh and …”it’s such a good vibration….c’mon c’mon c’mon!”

    Reply

  8. thesinglecell Says:

    Bravado is an oozingly attractive characteristic in a man, no? Your talk of roundhouse kicks makes me think of Chuck Norris. He’s really the only action star who can say what Mark Wahlberg said and not be wrong. Chuck Norris would hijack the hijackers. (But I do give Wahlberg credit for what sounds, in the quote, like a sincere and profound apology for being a dipsh*t.)

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      He did, that’s true. He hindered it a bit by saying that the reporter “trapped him” in to talking about 9/11 when he was there to promote a movie when A) Wahlberg has brought up his 9/11 connection MANY times over the years and B) just how addled do you have to be to be “trapped” in to claiming that you could have single-handedly averted 9/11?

      But, it’s true he apologized.

      Reply

  9. Lenore Diane Says:

    “Hurts don’t it?”
    That always makes me giggle. Always.

    Reply

  10. gojulesgo Says:

    Ahhh yes, I heard Marky Mark, er, Sir Wahlberg, apologizing on a local (NY) radio station yesterday. Is it wrong that I thought he sounded pretty badass in his apology?

    A “Hertz Donut” – HA! That’d show ’em.

    Reply

  11. Life in the Boomer Lane Says:

    Somehow, this debacle got past me without my taking note. It was probably because I was busy wrapping up my memoirs to send to my agent, in which I present the Battle of Wounded Knee, the Spanish influenza, the Exxon oil spill and the Little Ice Age, and explain how, had I been there, none of them would have occurred.

    Reply

  12. susielindau Says:

    It is obvious that he is living in the fantasy of his own mind! Geez!

    Reply

  13. Rocket Says:

    I shall host a facepalm party in the honor of Mr. Wahlberg.

    Reply

  14. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    Not to be all women’s lib (cuz I’m not – my current occupation is “June Cleaver”) but I believe Kate Beckensale (Salene/ Underworld) or the new chick in the Dragon Tattoo movie could have done some serious re-writing of history as well ! 9-11 would have gone done MUCH differently had Lisbeth Salander been on board one of those planes.

    Reply

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Marky Mark Brings the Pain « Andrew J. Patrick - January 23, 2012

    […] Byronic Man lets out a vicious reductio ad absurdum against Wahlberg’s inability to tell the difference between The Movies and Real Life. To say, “Hey, Spanish Inquisition, I got an inquiry for you – you want a Hertz Donut?” […]

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