Today’s edition of 20 Questions features the popular and prolific Brainrants. If you’re unfamiliar with Brainrants, I think it’d be safe to describe his style as “blunt.” He posts something every day (which I think is rude, making me feel bad about myself like that) on a huge range of subjects – from food to life as career military – all with a signature style and viewpoint that can be engaging, sharp and fierce. He’s careful to point out in his site that his views don’t reflect that of the US army, but that’s kind of too bad, because I for one would immensely enjoy his briefings as spokesman for the armed forces.
So, with that in mind: Hey, Brainrants! Let’s play 20 Questions!
- What quality do you most admire in others? Intelligence, but with the self-control to use it appropriately. I could really go on and on about this with a graphic and even a PowerPoint briefing, but … yeah. Intelligence.
- What trait do you most dislike in yourself? My feet? Or are we talking some other inner quality? Seriously… I have the ugliest feet any male human could possibly have. *sigh* Ok, for the mental/personality defects, I’ll say that I quite often over-analyze things beyond the point of any marginal return. And my PTSD-driven OCD… f**k me I’m a basket case.
If you could come back in your next life as anything, what would it be? Salma Hayek’s bra… and a well-made one that she’d keep for years. Plan B is a housecat, because they’re quiet predators who really don’t take shit from anyone, even the idiots who feed them regularly.
- You’re suddenly made the absolute ruler of your country. What is the first change you make? I’d likely make bacon the National Food, because bacon is awesome. After that, well… wow, the mind boggles at the power to change in the hands of an absolute dick-tator… to be honest I’d need five blogs to cover this question.
- With which Peanuts character do you most identify? Charlie Brown, but only when Lucy pulls the football away and he self-turfs his ass. Story of my life.
- What 3 songs do you think you’ve listened to more than any others in your life? Great question, and a tough one to answer since I tend to take music I like along with me when I find it in life. At this point I’d almost have to defer to genres, but I love Disturbed and Sisters of Mercy more than about any other bands. How’s that?
- If you could relive one day – either keeping it the same, or changing something – what would you choose? I would relive one day with one change: I’d have my father be at my college graduation. It would have meant more to him than it did to me, and I regret I didn’t demand it more stridently when I was 23 and stupid.
- What is your biggest fear? Irrelevance. The thought that someday my existence might amount to nothing makes me crap my boxers.
- What would you like the title of your biography to be? “Armed and Dangerous: The Life of a Cantankerous Tanker Inflicted On the World”
- What movie or book has had the biggest impact on you? Oh shit, just ONE? I read like I breathe, dude. Movies: Star Wars, all of them, and The Matrix trilogy. Tombstone isn’t bad either, but not everyone can be Sam Elliott. As for books, I’ll just list authors and be inclusive: #4-Robert A. Heinlein, #3-Stephen King, #2-James Michener, #1-Ayn Rand. Yeah, holy shit, Rants is a semi-intellectual *middle finger*.
- What is your favorite thing about blogging?Actually I love the challenge of coming up with something original and entertaining every day, and then seeing the responses that drift in to what I have communicated. Between the post itself and the comments that follow, I’d have to say I enjoy the commentary response to my work the most.
- Least favorite thing about blogging? Douchebags who confuse their opinions with facts and bomb out the comments with their screed. The problem is that I’m morally bound to let their comments stand because I believe in the Bill of Rights (obviously – check my profession) and won’t edit what some butthead vomits. I will say that overall this is a very, very small problem. I also hate when I’m sitting there in the morning over coffee with only the sound of wind in my head trying to come up with something funny to post. Happens more than you might imagine.
- Which superpower would you choose if you could: the ability to fly, or to turn invisible at will? The ability to turn invisible is good because then I could find out what people talk about when I’m not around and … oh – never mind. Flying would also be great because I could just avoid the TSA anal probe line when I do official travel and such. Luggage might be a challenge there due to wind resistance and drag, though, but it would circumvent the DUI risk when you run out of beer. Kind of a toss-up, don’t you think? How about X-Ray vision? Obvious bennies there. Mindreading would be helpful. Or the power to transmute water into beer… oh yeah.
What is your idea of perfect happiness? A quiet morning writing followed by some good yardwork that gets the blood moving, and then some awesome Zen-time doing woodworking. Follow this up with steaks done just right on the grill with good salad and cold beer, and cap the day off with some more quiet time wrapped around a good book. Plan B looks a lot like destroying the enemies of our country and grinding their bones to dust under my tank treads… and hearing the lamentations of their women.
- Which of the 7 Deadly Sins are you most guilty? Gluttony. Put food that is delicious in front of me, and the only thing stopping me from eating it is the plate bottom. We likes us some good food. Sometimes too much.
What public figure (past or present) are you just sure you’d be friends with, if you ever met? General Patton, Hands-down. In fact, Patton believed in reincarnation, so there’s a strong possibility I’d merely be drinking beer and pissing in rivers with myself. The man was a god… and a Tanker! I’d love the chance to show him an M1A2 Abrams… *shudders at the awesomeness*
- If you could spend a year in any time and place, when and where would you choose? Dip me in chocolate and call me Suzy Chapstick, you ask awesome questions. There are really too many to list – again, I need a whole blog and thanks for the idea… #3: Be around to watch the look on Napoleon’s face at Waterloo and the whole epic build up; #2: Hang out like a homie with Patton as he kicked ass across France and into Germany, to include pissing in the Rhine River with him as he crossed it, and; #1 Somehow be there on the moon to high-five Neil Armstrong in the moment our species became interplanetary beings.
You are offered the following bargain: You will record a pop song that will become a huge hit. You will become very famous and wealthy. After a year, though, there will be backlash and you’ll become a pop culture joke. You will never record another hit, and you’ll be called a one-hit wonder, but you will have the experiences, and enough money to live modestly for many years (or extravagantly for a couple). Do you accept? Oh Hell Yes! Assuming that this “gift” would also come with the actual ability to sing and perform, absolutely, because my current musical ability enables me to play the CD or MP3 player well. But, I know how to wire claymore mines together, so the paparazzi wouldn’t be a threat once I’m a rich, one-hit wonder. Also, I could go on VH1 and do the boxing competition with some washed up child star and totally kick his ass because yours truly is a fairly decent boxer… and enjoys the notion of schadenfreude. I could also become a judge on American Idol and beat the shit out of Simon – just on principle. Tell me you wouldn’t love that. I dare you.
- If you could be any TV detective, who would you choose? Mac Taylor, Gary Sinese’s character from CSY: NY. Gary himself supports the military. His character was a former Marine. Plus, he’s a calm, quiet, total bad-ass who knows his way around a handgun.
- What would you most like people to say about you after you’re gone? “Thank God that asshole is dead!” is the most likely, but I suppose “Loose the flaming arrows” would be epic at my Viking funeral.