“Get to a dark place as quickly as possible and try to lure the bee out of your ear with a single source of light like a flashlight… Never try to pull it out with your fingers.” – From “Tormented By A Bee In Your Ear,” Dangerous Situations, And How To Escape in One Piece, p.22.
Okay. Hm. Ummmm… Boy, I am really stuck, aren’t I? Ha ha. Let’s see. Wow, I did not see this coming. Nice tunnel, interesting wax, do a little exploring. Now this. Okay… what if I… what if I push forward again? Hhrrrrgh. HHRRRRrrrrgh! RRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!! AH AH AHHHH AHHHHHHH! What’s happening?! What’s happening?! Something’s hitting the side of the tunnel! Oh my God! Something’s grabbing my butt! Something’s grabbing my butt! Should I sting it?! Should I sting it!? Should I sting it?! Maybe I better–! Wha… it stopped. Did it? Okay. It stopped. Holy shit. That was intense. What kind of bizarro hive did I climb in to here?
Now, see, that's a hive! Tunnels go in, tunnels come out, and no hitting or anonymous bottom-grabbing. Like civilized bees.
Soooo… no on the forward. Forward’s not working out. Hello? Anyone here? Anyone? I don’t understand how your hive works! No one. Ugh. This is so embarrassing. They all said it was a bad idea, but nooo, I had to go exploring. Check out the weird little tunnel with the interesting wax in it. Lot of hair too. And now I’m stuck. Everyone complains about hive thinking, but you know what? Hive thinking never got a bee stuck in a dead-end tunnel, that’s what. And now I’ll probably be some cautionary story. Great. “Don’t wander off on your own, you’ll end up like Gary. Oh, you don’t know the story of Gary the stupid bee who got stuck in the tunnel?”
Knock it off. Think positive. There’s a solution here. It must, I mean… if the tunnel goes in, it must come out somewhere, right? That’s just logical. Am I getting fat? No, I’m not getting fat. Who designed this hive? Crazy bees? Hm, speaking of which, I still don’t hear any other bees. That can’t be a good sign. Okay, Gary, think. Options. Hm. There’s pushing forward – no, wait, I just did that. There’s… um… hmmm…
Yes, thank you, I can see the gunk in here much more clearly, but I could really use some help!
Ooh, what’s that? What’s that light? Hey, I can see a little bit. Ew. It is about seven kinds of gross in here. Wait, is… is someone shining a light on me? Hello? Hello!? Why are you shining a light at me? Is it a rescue? Hello?! I’M IN HERE!!
Nothing. Light’s still there, though. Oh no! Am I dead? Is that the tunnel of light? Why is it behind me? Hello?! If you’re wanting me to go toward the light, you need to get in front of me! If I’d backed in to this tunnel, you’re position might make more sense! You know what I’m saying? I don’t know what you want! Oh my God, this is like a weird dream. If I get home I’m never leaving the hive again. Nuts to this. “Gary, we’re going to collect pollen,” they’ll say, and I’ll be like, “Nah, you go ahead. I’m gonna protect the queen.” And then I’ll just go back to bed. I will go right the hell back to bed.
Okay, you know what? That light’s starting to get annoying. But, wait… let’s think this through… if there’s a light behind me… it must be outside. Right? Maybe, maybe I can back up? Worth a try. MMmmmph! Ugh. Ow. My wings are going to be feeling this in the morning. MMMMMMMRRRRRRRGGHHH!
I'm back, you guys! You won't believe what happened to me! What do you mean 'who am i?'? I'm Gary. Gary the bee. I am so!
AHH! Hahaa! Ah, I’m free! I’m out! Thank you, big, giant light! Ah, this is fantastic! I feel so alive and like there’s—Hey! Who’s trying to swat me again?! What the hell, big, giant light?! Ahhhh! Duck and weave, Gary! Duck and weave! Okay, here’s a nice flower. Catch my breath. Get it together, Gary. It’s over. Man, someone ought write some kind of survival guide, you know? For these kinds of situations. This is insane. I can’t be the only bee this has happened to…
***
Photo credits:
- “Bee Hive,” by Walk In The Woods Photography, Flickr
- “My Flashlight,” by Vibrant Spirit, Flickr.
- “Bee Hive – September 2007,” by rjleaman, Flickr.
The Byronic Man 
January 12, 2012 at 6:39 am
Such a metaphor for life. Thank you. I will be looking toward the light and trying not to get swatted.
January 12, 2012 at 10:26 am
Also: avoid strange caves filled with wax.
January 12, 2012 at 6:45 am
Anonymous bottom-grabbing? Bees are Frenchmen?
January 12, 2012 at 10:27 am
True fact: in France the bees don’t say “Buzz,” they say “Wizzle wizzle.” Also, they think when American bees try to say “Wizzle wizzle” they sound pathetic.
January 12, 2012 at 7:33 am
Does this also work for people whose heads are up their asses?
January 12, 2012 at 10:28 am
Depends who has the flashlight.
January 13, 2012 at 1:54 pm
YES! I mean, um, I think the same rules apply for Ass Hats.
January 12, 2012 at 8:17 am
God, poor poor Gary.
“And then I’ll just go back to bed. I will go right the hell back to bed.” Sound advice. Something I think we all should heed. Also ‘duck and weave’.
January 12, 2012 at 10:29 am
Definitely. Probably shouldn’t do those two things at the same time, though. First duck & weave, then go back to bed.
January 12, 2012 at 10:48 am
hilarious!
January 12, 2012 at 1:07 pm
Well, thanks. I try.
January 12, 2012 at 11:18 am
Do bees really do this ? This is sooo much worse than the shark thing…
January 12, 2012 at 1:06 pm
That was my immediate response to seeing the original article. Has this actually ever happened? And if so, why haven’t we heard about it a million times based solely on the fact that it’s so awful to contemplate?
January 12, 2012 at 2:10 pm
Remember how I said I have this condition where my eyes water whenever I laugh?
I am officially wiping away many, many tears.
But dang. I wish I wrote this.
Oh and Gary is the best name for funny things. Jimmy Fallon uses it all of the time.
January 12, 2012 at 2:53 pm
You know what? As soon as you say that I’m remembering that Robot Chicken does these Star Wars parodies that feature Gary The Stormtrooper. I’m a thief and a hack!
January 12, 2012 at 2:45 pm
“It is about seven kinds of gross in here.” New favorite phrase.
Also, Gary sometimes sounds a bit like a gay man and I am really enjoying the mental image of slightly rotund bee with a whole lotta attitude— and he is NOT afraid to use it!
January 12, 2012 at 8:14 pm
Gay bees always have just the nicest hives.
January 12, 2012 at 3:23 pm
Bees in ears sound bad enough, and hopefully are a rarity (for the sake of poor Gary). Now about those dozen or so spiders that human supposedly swallow in their sleep every year – promise us you won’t do a posting on that… Ack!
January 12, 2012 at 8:18 pm
I used to do a lot of cycling, and had to try and not think about the cereal bowl full of bugs I no doubt swallowed each year.
You know, that reminds me of once I was out cycling and just blazing down a long, steep hill and a bee shot in to my helmet and was scrambling about on my forehead. I just kept saying out loud, “Ignore the bee. Ignore the bee. Ignore the bee.”
January 12, 2012 at 3:32 pm
Gee. I was like you were like really a bee or something. (Really funny).
January 12, 2012 at 8:15 pm
I interned at a bee hive just out of college, so, you know…
January 12, 2012 at 3:46 pm
Yum…earwax. Goes good with toe jam. 🙂
January 12, 2012 at 8:42 pm
Ha ha! And snot! Ha ha ha – wait, I think I’m doing it wrong…
January 12, 2012 at 4:38 pm
Weird. I thought something flew in my ear the other day, but it turned out to just be the wind.
January 12, 2012 at 8:43 pm
Or was it?
Well, yes, probably.
January 12, 2012 at 9:13 pm
I’m quite prone to freaking out when I think something is crawling on me. Usually it turns out to be a stray hair, but still. A bug in my ear would cause a freak out of epic proportions.
January 12, 2012 at 6:00 pm
This is hilarious. When I read the intro I immediately thought someone should write the situation from the bee’s point of view and that’s exactly what you did.
January 12, 2012 at 8:44 pm
Well, it looks like my HWGGWTP? (How Would Good Greatsy Write This Post?) bracelet just paid off!
January 12, 2012 at 7:22 pm
“If I get home I’m never leaving the hive again.” my favorite!
January 13, 2012 at 6:11 am
Thanks! I don’t know why, but the “I’M IN HERE!” had me patting myself on the back more than was probably warranted.
January 12, 2012 at 11:04 pm
Hey, I didn’t know you knew Gary! :O Little guy gets around…
January 13, 2012 at 6:13 am
I like to drop his name a lot at parties. Shows I know the right bees.
January 13, 2012 at 11:52 am
You’ve made the greatest fear of my life something hilarious to read. I think. And you are this week’s “Blogger of the Week” on my blog.
January 13, 2012 at 1:19 pm
Really? Wow, thanks!
And I agree – It had never occurred to me, ever, that a bee could crawl in my ear until I saw the article. Now I’m confident that every buzzing sound is a honeybee rocketing toward my ear canal.
January 13, 2012 at 6:45 pm
Absolutely loved the bee perspective. I once caught a bee in the ear while dangling my head over the side of the bed of a datsun pickup traveling around 30 mph. I used to think it hit me stinger first, but I think under those circumstances the bee is pretty much all stinger. Thank goodness it was northwest of the earhole, but dang, it hurt, and poor Gary did not survive, followed THE tunnel of light to his greater reward. Thanks for the laughs, BM!
January 14, 2012 at 10:03 am
I can think of about a thousand things that could go wrong with hanging your head out of the side of a moving truck. “You might get a bee in the ear” would probably not be there.
July 9, 2012 at 6:11 am
That was almost as good as good as the sex-starved, necrophilia-tic penguins. Almost. Thanks for laugh (and for Jules for sending me here). LOL
July 9, 2012 at 11:17 am
Shannon, I’m so glad you came over to this post! No one does talking animals like Byronic Man. That is how he first won me over:
July 9, 2012 at 12:00 pm
I have to completely agree with you on that! I wonder how he might’ve “done” my toilet-peeing cat, and her brother, the non-toilet-peeing cat (on the toilet, but into the box). I’m sure it would be awesome.