Tormented By An Ear On Your Bee: Dangerous Situations And How To Escape

January 12, 2012

Humor

“Get to a dark place as quickly as possible and try to lure the bee out of your ear with a single source of light like a flashlight… Never try to pull it out with your fingers.” – From “Tormented By A Bee In Your Ear,” Dangerous Situations, And How To Escape in One Piece, p.22.

Okay.  Hm.  Ummmm… Boy, I am really stuck, aren’t I?  Ha ha.  Let’s see.  Wow, I did not see this coming.  Nice tunnel, interesting wax, do a little exploring.  Now this.  Okay… what if I… what if I push forward again?  Hhrrrrgh.  HHRRRRrrrrgh!  RRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!  AH AH AHHHH AHHHHHHH!  What’s happening?!  What’s happening?!  Something’s hitting the side of the tunnel!  Oh my God!  Something’s grabbing my butt!  Something’s grabbing my butt!  Should I sting it?!  Should I sting it!?  Should I sting it?!  Maybe I better–!  Wha… it stopped.  Did it?  Okay.  It stopped.  Holy shit.  That was intense.  What kind of bizarro hive did I climb in to here?

Now, see, that's a hive! Tunnels go in, tunnels come out, and no hitting or anonymous bottom-grabbing. Like civilized bees.

Soooo… no on the forward.  Forward’s not working out.  Hello?  Anyone here?  Anyone?  I don’t understand how your hive works!  No one.  Ugh.  This is so embarrassing.  They all said it was a bad idea, but nooo, I had to go exploring.  Check out the weird little tunnel with the interesting wax in it.  Lot of hair too.  And now I’m stuck.    Everyone complains about hive thinking, but you know what?  Hive thinking never got a bee stuck in a dead-end tunnel, that’s what.  And now I’ll probably be some cautionary story.  Great.  “Don’t wander off on your own, you’ll end up like Gary.  Oh, you don’t know the story of Gary the stupid bee who got stuck in the tunnel?”

Knock it off.  Think positive.  There’s a solution here.  It must, I mean… if the tunnel goes in, it must come out somewhere, right?  That’s just logical. Am I getting fat?  No, I’m not getting fat.  Who designed this hive?  Crazy bees?  Hm, speaking of which, I still don’t hear any other bees. That can’t be a good sign.  Okay, Gary, think. Options.  Hm.  There’s pushing forward – no, wait, I just did that.  There’s… um… hmmm…

Yes, thank you, I can see the gunk in here much more clearly, but I could really use some help!

Ooh, what’s that?  What’s that light?  Hey, I can see a little bit.  Ew.  It is about seven kinds of gross in here.  Wait, is… is someone shining a light on me?  Hello?  Hello!?  Why are you shining a light at me?  Is it a rescue? Hello?!  I’M IN HERE!!

Nothing.  Light’s still there, though.  Oh no!  Am I dead?  Is that the tunnel of light?  Why is it behind me? Hello?!  If you’re wanting me to go toward the light, you need to get in front of me!  If I’d backed in to this tunnel, you’re position might make more sense!  You know what I’m saying?  I don’t know what you want!  Oh my God, this is like a weird dream.   If I get home I’m never leaving the hive again.  Nuts to this.  “Gary, we’re going to collect pollen,” they’ll say, and I’ll be like, “Nah, you go ahead.  I’m gonna protect the queen.”  And then I’ll just go back to bed.  I will go right the hell back to bed.

Okay, you know what?  That light’s starting to get annoying.  But, wait… let’s think this through… if there’s a light behind me… it must be outside.  Right?  Maybe, maybe I can back up?  Worth a try.  MMmmmph!  Ugh.  Ow.  My wings are going to be feeling this in the morning.  MMMMMMMRRRRRRRGGHHH!

I'm back, you guys! You won't believe what happened to me! What do you mean 'who am i?'? I'm Gary. Gary the bee. I am so!

AHH!  Hahaa!  Ah, I’m free!  I’m out!  Thank you, big, giant light!  Ah, this is fantastic! I feel so alive and like there’s—Hey!  Who’s trying to swat me again?! What the hell, big, giant light?! Ahhhh!  Duck and weave, Gary!  Duck and weave!  Okay, here’s a nice flower.  Catch my breath.  Get it together, Gary.  It’s over.  Man, someone ought write some kind of survival guide, you know?  For these kinds of situations.  This is insane.   I can’t be the only bee this has happened to…

***

Photo credits:

  1. “Bee Hive,” by Walk In The Woods Photography, Flickr
  2. “My Flashlight,” by Vibrant Spirit, Flickr.
  3. “Bee Hive – September 2007,” by rjleaman, Flickr.
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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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43 Comments on “Tormented By An Ear On Your Bee: Dangerous Situations And How To Escape”

  1. becomingcliche Says:

    Such a metaphor for life. Thank you. I will be looking toward the light and trying not to get swatted.

    Reply

  2. madtante Says:

    Anonymous bottom-grabbing? Bees are Frenchmen?

    Reply

  3. thesinglecell Says:

    Does this also work for people whose heads are up their asses?

    Reply

  4. She's a Maineiac Says:

    God, poor poor Gary.

    “And then I’ll just go back to bed. I will go right the hell back to bed.” Sound advice. Something I think we all should heed. Also ‘duck and weave’.

    Reply

  5. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    Do bees really do this ? This is sooo much worse than the shark thing…

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      That was my immediate response to seeing the original article. Has this actually ever happened? And if so, why haven’t we heard about it a million times based solely on the fact that it’s so awful to contemplate?

      Reply

  6. gojulesgo Says:

    Remember how I said I have this condition where my eyes water whenever I laugh?

    I am officially wiping away many, many tears.

    But dang. I wish I wrote this.

    Oh and Gary is the best name for funny things. Jimmy Fallon uses it all of the time.

    Reply

  7. A Broad at Home Says:

    “It is about seven kinds of gross in here.” New favorite phrase.

    Also, Gary sometimes sounds a bit like a gay man and I am really enjoying the mental image of slightly rotund bee with a whole lotta attitude— and he is NOT afraid to use it!

    Reply

  8. audreygjohnson Says:

    Bees in ears sound bad enough, and hopefully are a rarity (for the sake of poor Gary). Now about those dozen or so spiders that human supposedly swallow in their sleep every year – promise us you won’t do a posting on that… Ack!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I used to do a lot of cycling, and had to try and not think about the cereal bowl full of bugs I no doubt swallowed each year.

      You know, that reminds me of once I was out cycling and just blazing down a long, steep hill and a bee shot in to my helmet and was scrambling about on my forehead. I just kept saying out loud, “Ignore the bee. Ignore the bee. Ignore the bee.”

      Reply

  9. midsummerdreamsandwintertales Says:

    Gee. I was like you were like really a bee or something. (Really funny).

    Reply

  10. Blogdramedy Says:

    Yum…earwax. Goes good with toe jam. 🙂

    Reply

  11. booksnob Says:

    Weird. I thought something flew in my ear the other day, but it turned out to just be the wind.

    Reply

  12. The Good Greatsby Says:

    This is hilarious. When I read the intro I immediately thought someone should write the situation from the bee’s point of view and that’s exactly what you did.

    Reply

  13. skeletalink Says:

    “If I get home I’m never leaving the hive again.” my favorite!

    Reply

  14. Rocket Says:

    Hey, I didn’t know you knew Gary! :O Little guy gets around…

    Reply

  15. Life in the Boomer Lane Says:

    You’ve made the greatest fear of my life something hilarious to read. I think. And you are this week’s “Blogger of the Week” on my blog.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Really? Wow, thanks!

      And I agree – It had never occurred to me, ever, that a bee could crawl in my ear until I saw the article. Now I’m confident that every buzzing sound is a honeybee rocketing toward my ear canal.

      Reply

  16. kayjaysee Says:

    Absolutely loved the bee perspective. I once caught a bee in the ear while dangling my head over the side of the bed of a datsun pickup traveling around 30 mph. I used to think it hit me stinger first, but I think under those circumstances the bee is pretty much all stinger. Thank goodness it was northwest of the earhole, but dang, it hurt, and poor Gary did not survive, followed THE tunnel of light to his greater reward. Thanks for the laughs, BM!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I can think of about a thousand things that could go wrong with hanging your head out of the side of a moving truck. “You might get a bee in the ear” would probably not be there.

      Reply

  17. Shannon Says:

    That was almost as good as good as the sex-starved, necrophilia-tic penguins. Almost. Thanks for laugh (and for Jules for sending me here). LOL

    Reply

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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