The 5 Girliest Things About Me. Revealed in The Name of Conquering And Winning.

April 29, 2012

Humor

I am incredibly manly.  If I was a cologne, I’d be called “Virility,” but I’m too masculine to wear cologne.  There are, though, of course, some things about me that could be considered, well, girly.  I don’t mean feminine; I mean girly.  You know… things girly girls like.  Not many!  Nooo, no.  Hell no.  I laugh a deep, booming laugh at the notion.

But a few.

Toe Pick!

Today is Jules’ (of Go Guilty Pleasures) 30th birthday.  To celebrate that – blog-wise – she is having a contest to win a gift basket.  A couple days ago I saw it and noticed it included a copy of the movie The Cutting Edge.  I mention that I had seen it and that this was probably #4 on the list of girliest things about me.  She said she would like to see this list.

And so… though I will likely lose the respect and attention of countless readers – as well as myself – I shall now present the Top 5 Girliest Things About Me because it is Jules’ birthday, and because I really want to win that gift basket (I don’t entirely remember what’s in it – I just know it’s a competition and that I want to win.  See?  Manly.)

Ready?

I also can't stand it when people's tags stick out.

# 5 – I have very definite opinions about men’s fashions.  I’m not extreme, but I live in the Pacific Northwest and I not only know how to tie a tie, I believe very strongly that the tip of the tie should just hit the top of the belt buckle.  And that belt should match the shoes.   In the northeast this probably wouldn’t be a big deal, and in somewhere like Milan I’m probably as fashionable as an iron miner, but for here?

In Defense Of My Masculinity: A grown man really should know how to dress.

# 4 – I have seen The Cutting Edge.  Twice.  (See? #4.  Nailed it!); I have seen many times, and even kind of like, Love, ActuallyI have even, a couple of times, been known to get a little dust in my eye toward the end of the movie.  And The Cutting Edge is about figure skating.  A little bit of hockey, too, but I don’t kid myself.

In Defense Of My Masculinity: My wife ADORES Love, Actually, and I love watching it with her, specifically.  As for Cutting Edge?  Well, it does feature Moira Kelly exercising in skin-tight clothing for much of it.

And it's not just because I don't look good in red...

# 3 – I have appeared, in public, in drag.  I know, if this is number 3, where am I going with this list from here?  This is only at 3 because it was in a very silly play, called Leading Ladies, about two men trying to con their way in to an inheritance by posing as long-lost daughters.

In Defense Of My Masculinity: I was a seriously unattractive woman.  My co-star, who’s now attempting to make a go of it down in Hollywood, got told he looked quite cute as a woman.  He did not appreciate the compliment.  These people would then look at me and say, “You are not a good looking woman.”  I was okay with that.

# 2 – I have read more than one Sophie Kinsella novel.  Kinsella is the author of the popular Shopgirl series, among others.  They are all light, funny novels about young women who are in over their heads in some way and get in to all kinds of mix-ups and then there’s this man who just drives her crazy… and so forth.  You know where the story goes from there.

In Defense Of My Masculinity: I’m on thin ice, here.  I haven’t got much.  Kinsella is genuinely clever and funny, I suppose, and… I don’t know… my wife had a copy, I read it… I liked it… damn.

And #1?  You sure you want to keep reading?  We could stop here, if you’d like.  No?  Okay.

Psh. Please. You bring that weak-ass crust in to MY house?

# 1 – I have a “gift” for making pie crusts.  Seriously.  This is the one that just kills me – this gift, this curse.  Every time I make a pie crust for my wife’s pies, people flip out about the crust.  I thought people were humoring me for a long time, or that it was just what you say when you eat pie someone made… but then I tried other home-made crusts, and people just kept going on about them.  “What’s your secret?” they always ask.  “I don’t know.  Butter?  Shame?”

In Defense Of My Masculinity: I got nothing.  Truly.  I could lip sync to N Sync while I made the crusts and that would only increase the girliness about 8% (I don’t, though, just to clarify).  Not only do I not have a defense, but you know what?  I actually do have a secret to my success, and I’m not sharing it. That’s how girly this is.

Sigh.

Okay.  I’m going to go break something, and then fix it with tools.  Then go drink and complain about the God damn thing that broke.  But first, because it is Sunday, and time for the Weekly Question of the Week, I throw the gauntlet of Girly Honesty to you: What’s the girliest thing you do?  It doesn’t matter if you’re a woman – you know what I mean.  Things that even other women say, “Wow, that is sooo girly.”  Sex in the City marathon girly.  Appletini girly.  It’s there.  Do you dare share it?

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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77 Comments on “The 5 Girliest Things About Me. Revealed in The Name of Conquering And Winning.”

  1. gojulesgo Says:

    Oh CRAP. Crappedy crap crap crap. JUST when I thought I had this contest buttoned up, you pull out THIS?!

    I’m starting to think turning 29 again won’t be so bad, after all. Byronic Man in drag? Byronic Man PIE? It’s like you were hoarding the guiltiest pleasures for the perfect moment. And HOARDING is totally a guilty pleasure (as are lists) for me, so whoa. I think I need another cup of coffee before I can even process this.

    Best. Birthday. Gift/Post. Ever! (Except for what hub [who also REALLY hates tags sticking out] got me – HOLY SHIZ wait’ll you hear about THAT. It’s almost as good as Second Husband.)

    All right. I need to calm down, so I’ll answer your question. The girliest thing I do… I’m known to simultaneously watch Glee, sing along, paint my toenails, take Midol, drink champagne and cry. Then rewind the scene(s) that made me cry and watch it again and cry some more. You can also replace “Glee” with the Lifetime movie special “William & Kate,” which I’ve had on the DVR for over a year and watched 5 (yes, 5) times. (Oh Hey – Happy 1st Anniversary, Wills and Kate!)

    THANK YOU for this post. …I think. I’m still processing.

    Reply

    • Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson Says:

      Oh no he didn’t! Do I have to pull out my most manly mannerisms? Can’t a girl just have one day of rest? I was going to email Julie and wish her a happy birthday, but I will use this as an opportunity to do it again.

      Here are some manly guilty pleasures:

      1) I like to mow the lawn, but more than that, I like to dead head flowers. I also like to play in mulch — which we all know — smells like poop.
      2) I like to strap on the power blower (stay with me people) to clean the garage. And nothing blows away old leaves and dust like a good blower.
      3) I don’t mind taking out the trash. I love to run around the house and dump all dirty cans, throw the bags in the big blue bin, and then roll that sucker to the curb
      4) if necessary, I can swear like a sailor. People think its funny when I do this, but it usually means I’m pretty mad.
      5) I’m madly competitive — not to the point of cheating or anything, but I am really aggressively competitive. True story: When our son started fencing, the patents were allowed to take a class to get a sense of what the experience would be like. I put on my mask, I went to approach my husband — and then I got all stabby! I must have hit him 9 times. One of the coaches, Jean-Reynaud came over to make me stop. “One touch eez eenuf,” he said en francais. Ooops! When hubby got undressed that night, I saw I had left welts. Gah! (Guilty pleasure: I was secretly proud because they told me I would probably make a VERY good fencer. They didn’t say that to Hubby! That’s bad, right?)

      So happy b’day, Julie! You are fabulous. You know I adore you. I hope your dirty thirty is fabulous. So much clarity comes with turning 30. You’re going to love it. All the smarts and none of the wrinkles! Mazel tov darling!

      Byro: you wouldn’t delete this… Would you? Because I agree. That basket is fantastic.

      Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Well, happy birthday. Don’t stress making a decision too much.

      By the way, do you need my street address? For any reason?

      Reply

  2. Alison Armstrong Says:

    Your piecrust talent makes me think of the song “Anything you can do I can do better”. The lyrics are like this… “Her: I can shoot a partridge with a single cartridge, Him: I can shoot a sparrow with a bow and arrow… I can do most anything, Her: Can you bake a pie? Him: No, Her: Neither can I !”.
    I’m impressed by your super-girl pie-crust making skills.

    Reply

  3. 1pointperspective Says:

    Girlie things? Me?! I do nothing girlie whatsoever! My wife might disagree, as she knows about the whole peeing-sitting-down thing. But really…it’s just that after a hard day’s working lifting heavy things (many of them are actually people), I just need to rest my weary bones. The relative cool comfort of the toilet seat beckons.

    It started simply enough, when my oldest was only a baby. (Pay attention Byronic One, your time is coming, Kidney Bean must be on the verge of a Peach Pit by now). This infant was so colicky, that the slightest sound would wake her and our sleep deprivation would enter into the 23rd hour. The roar of my manly tinkle hitting the porcelain in the adjacent bathroom proved to be too loud for her. I briefly considered peeing in the yard, but the two creaky stairs between my achingly full bladder and the front door would surely wake that little screamer. The first time I sat to pee, it was so quiet that I fell asleep myself, waking a short time later with what felt like a diabetic neuropathy in both feet. I nearly woke my daughter trying to walk with altered sensation in my massive feet (massive feet reference – an obvious attempt at reclaiming my fleeting masculinity).

    Now my daughter is grown with kids of her own, both of whom sleep like little logs – where’s the justice?! As an added bonus, the advent of Twitter and its 140 character format gives me the perfect amount of bathroom reading for whiz time.

    The other girlie thing I do is make up outlandish fibs in my effort to win contests and adulation on blogs. I realize that in and of itself, that there is nothing girlie about that, but I’m trying to save face here.

    Reply

  4. She's a Maineiac Says:

    This post has so much to comment on, I think my head’s imploding. It takes a real man to show off his girly ways. Bravo, B-man! Those pics of your Bosom Buddies days? I am impressed. The only thing that would be better is a video of you in this play.
    Love Actually? Never seen it. I must see this movie now.

    Oh, and a big happy birthday to you, Jules and good luck with determining the contest winner!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Really? Never seen Love, Actually? I thought it was required viewing for adult women. It manages to be shamelessly manipulative, and yet engaging enough that you don’t care.

      Reply

  5. every record tells a story Says:

    I’ve never told anyone this, but…..I have a Pinterest Gallery…
    Girlie enough for you?

    Reply

  6. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    Our Cult Leader -THE BYRONIC MAN in a drags outfit..you totaly won 500,000 readership with that alone….
    Yay to all the girly things you like or do, but seriously what is the secret of that pie crust..

    I am unfortunately not very girly, in fact my friends suspect i am an alien in this body so
    gender is not an issue here : shock:

    Reply

  7. Angie Z. Says:

    What is the deal with men and Love, Actually? The manliest men I know lap that up like it’s motor oil.

    Some say “girly”, some say “metrosexual”, some say “a dandy” (okay, no one says that unless they’re 140 years old), but I say “Renaissance Man”. My husband is one too. And we wives are quite lucky to have men in our lives who can bake a pie, fold a fitted sheet and know Banana Republic’s clearance rack like the back of their hairy hands. I’m impressed by your list! Okay, minus the theater drag thing. Heterosexual drag is sooo 1998.

    My girliest thing is I always make something from scratch like cranberry orange scones or cinnamon bread or oatmeal raisin cookies to take over to new people who move into our neighborhood. Wait, is that “girly” or “Martha Stewart”? Because Martha Stewart is actually quite manly.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Girly, perhaps, but also very neighborly of you.

      And I think it’s the aging rock star discovering that his manager is his best firiend that does most men in. It’s tough to draw a clear comparison, thought, because my wife is crying by the time the menu has come up on the DVD.

      Reply

      • Angie Z. Says:

        My husband likes that one too. For most women, I think it’s the Portuguese woman and the writer/Colin Firth that does us in. No need to hit play. Just think about it and sob.

        Thank goodness you didn’t say you can’t get enough of that homely-looking lad who goes to Wisconsin to get laid. I would’ve been fine if he remained on the other side of the Atlantic.

        Reply

        • The Byronic Man Says:

          “My answer is yes. Easy question.” Yeah, the Colin Firth story line is pretty good.

          The thing I do love about the guy going to America is that it completely goes in the face of everything you’re expecting. It’s a movie built around our romantic movie expectations, and then he takes one thread and instead of the guy, say, striking out but then meeting a sweet flight attendant on the way home or something, America is every single stereotype he thinks it is.

          Reply

  8. Stacie Chadwick Says:

    I KNEW there was a logical reason for the partial facial pic. Girly men can’t stand it when they get a huge zit on their cheek and the camera zooms in on it with the glare of a newly minted stepmother who didn’t know her betrothed had a secret stash of kids.
    My condolences.

    Reply

  9. linneann Says:

    I’m not very girly either. I’ve never even attempted a pie crust. Nor have I seen “Love, Actually.” But I do insist on wearing heels when I go out with my boyfriend. That might include Home Depot, a county fair, even a boat show. I’ve tried to talk myself out of it by reliving past foot pain, but I’ve never been able to.
    Just for the record, when a man admits to girlie things, he raises his masculinity factor, in my humble opinion. Or did you already know that? :)

    Reply

  10. Valentine Logar Says:

    I hate to do this to you ….

    1. Dressing well is not a ‘girlie’ thing. It is a manly thing. Knowing how to dress use to be considered a very manly thing and well turned out men were considered good ‘catches’. Now granted, in the NW a well turned out man has always been somewhat different than in other parts of the country, nevertheless this isn’t a ‘girlie’ thing.

    2. Pie Crust – not a ‘girlie’ thing. All the great chefs are men. For some reason up to very recently men had the upper hand in the kitchen. It has only been on the home front where women ruled in the kitchen despite evidence that men are better natural cooks. So this is again not a ‘girlie’ thing.

    Personally, I love a man that is confident enough of his masculinity to not need to hang on by his fingernails good for you! I have only a few ‘girlie’ things in my make-up, tending more toward the non-traditional things all my life.

    Girlie things:

    Manicures and pedicures once a week
    High Heel shoes (always and at least 3.5 inches)
    Jewelry (always, though a bit non-traditional with 5 piercings in my ears)

    Non-Girlie things:

    Tournament Pool (not as much any more, still have a table in my house)
    Curse like a champion (thanks to 11 brothers)
    Fast Cars (slowed down some in my old age)
    Violence in film (hate love stories blech)
    Tattoos (while this is not really non-Girlie so much any more I got my first in 1974)

    I suspect my list could go on, I think I won’t.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I read something once theorizing why so many of the great chefs are men. He argued that the obsessive willingness to one thing over and over trumps the appreciation of the preparation and sharing. It’s a theory.

      Reply

  11. Life With The Top Down Says:

    Regarding your list and the drag photos. No one with a 5 o’clock shadow should EVER wear a dress…EVER. The fact that you can make a kick ass pie crust is impressive,withholding a secret ingredient is down right bitchy. The rest of your list is what woman want. I consider watching my husband clean the bathroom foreplay..it’s very sexy.

    I really don’t have too many “girlie” things to list other than being a tad June Cleaverish when it comes to family and pulling off a full blown Martha Stewart worthy holiday meal.

    Reply

  12. tomwisk Says:

    Damn, I can’t make a pie crust to save my ass and I went to cooking school. You got to share your secret. The girliest thing I do? Ya know those Yahoo posts on who showed up at what premiere? I check them out.

    Reply

  13. ghfool Says:

    I love to go antique shopping…with supermodels, of course.

    Reply

  14. Rocket Says:

    I fail at pie crusts. You totally win.

    Reply

  15. thesinglecell Says:

    Well, that does it. You’re girlier than me. And I’m not particularly masculine. I’m sorry to tell you this. I do love “Love Actually,” (I know lots of men who do, too) but I hate “The Cutting Edge” and I hate Moira Kelly and wanted to throw shoes at her when she was on the first season of my otherwise much-beloved “The West Wing.” It’s something about her mouth. And her hair. And her face. And the way she talks.

    Anyway. Girliest thing I do? Hmmm… I freak out at the sight of a spider. Cannot stand bugs, in point of fact. Cannot kill them unless they threaten to kill me first, because they may jump, crunch or squish… and so therefore am left to whimper pitifully and trap them in my vacuum/a cup of some kind to flush them down the toilet. While watching Sex and the City on TBS. While drinking a martini or cosmo.

    Reply

  16. pithypants Says:

    I’m pretty sure you’re more girly than, well, ME. And I have ovaries. You might find it reassuring to know that more than one stranger has accidentally called me “Sir.”

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Well, I suppose ovaries make one a little more likely to have girly qualities, but again, just to clarify – when I say “girly” I don’t mean “like a woman” or “like on of them fellas what likes other fellas,” but those special actions we generally associate with 12-year-old girls with crushes on boy band, or sorority girls.

      And sorry about the “sir.” When I was 17 my girlfriend and I were walking down the street and a homeless man asked if either of us “lovely young ladies” could spare some change.

      Reply

  17. Blogdramedy Says:

    I play with my hair and flutter my lashes. The flutter is to cover the eye-rolling going on when I read posts like this. ;-)

    Reply

  18. Howlin' Mad Heather Says:

    Pie crusts? I’m not laughing at that. Sophie Kinsella, on the other hand…
    Girliest thing about me? Well, there aren’t many, but I’ll admit for splurging on comfy unmentionables for wearing underneath my Super Ninja Commando Fatigues. That, and old episodes of “Jem.”

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I’m pretty sure most of the readers don’t know who Kinsella is or I’d be getting a LOT more crap for that one. That was the one that I genuinely paused – can I really tell people this?

      Reply

  19. itssrijana Says:

    not competing had to write couldnt stop my self..i thought only the post was funny but thats where i went wrong the comments are funnier :D had a gr8 time

    Reply

  20. benzeknees Says:

    I think it’s a tremendous asset if you can make a good/excellent pie crust. I also think it shows pride in yourself if you like to dress well. Not so girly myself, although I love, love, love pedicures & then rubbing my super smooth feet up & down my super smooth legs. It’s such a delicious feeling.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I know a number of men who like manicures/pedicures, too, and a lot of women who swear by them. I’ve never had a pedicure, and only had a manicure once – it was for a watch modeling job, so my hand had to be purty – and was expecting to be sold on the experience. It was kind of wasted on me, though.

      Reply

  21. susielindau Says:

    Being a Girly Man is nothing to be ashamed of. Wearing heels builds calf muscles too!

    Reply

  22. madtante Says:

    I’m not sure if you’re looking for “redemption” here but any man who doesn’t have a problem with dressing up as a chick is probably rather firm in his sexual identity… Also, aren’t most famous chefs men? I can’t recall anything about Love, Actually other than I saw it at the cinema. The novelist? I’m unfamiliar with, so no opinion there and as for dressing, well..I live in a land of camo trucker hats and hunter orange. I appreciate anybody human enough to dress otherwise, especially the men, since I like men (and I’m not into chicks).

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I always think that guys who can dress as women for something fun are pretty comfortable. It’s the guys who A) do it in some mocking/ derogatory way that something’s up, or the big, macho frat guy types who dress as a woman for Halloween and get reeeeeaaally obsessive about the details who clearly have something a little buried they don’t want to deal with.

      Reply

  23. atothewr Says:

    Nothing wrong with Love Actually – its a great movie. My wife and I watch it every year around Christmas.

    Would I watch it without her beside me? Maybe. I know she is the one mentioning to watch it every year. I don’t mind going along with it.

    Nice list. It takes a real man to get in touch with his girly side.

    Reply

  24. Anastasia Says:

    I’m a girl, but I’m also an ex-Marine, so my two hyper girlie things are my alarmingly extensive collection of cashmere and that whenever I’m in new Mexico I absolutely MUST stop at the St James Tea Room in Albuquerque for floofy doofy high tea. I’m glad you’re girly too ;)

    Reply

  25. Audrey Says:

    First, this list has made my day! Byronic in drag… that’s just amazing.

    My worst girlish moments occur in the presence of slugs and snails. Cue the squealing and screaming, dancing around on tip toe and running away. My trail runs have become races of terror. Apparently making my home in the Pac NW wasn’t the best decision when it comes to this loathesome phobia… (where do you live out here, by the way?)

    Reply

  26. cassiebehle Says:

    You must have exceled at making mud pies as a child. :) I personally don’t have the patience to flute an entire crust – it’s one of the most exasperating things I’ve had to do, I swear…On the upside, Clay has agreed to watch New Year’s Eve with me this week, as long as I stop referring to it as a “chick flick.” He’s in denial, but we’re ok with it.

    Reply

  27. angeliquejamail Says:

    Byronic Man, you’re my new hero. Bravo you for outing yourself as a non-stereotypical guy but rather as someone with three dimensions. ;)

    As for me, I’m sort of a Girly Girl Deluxe — In fact, I’m pretty sure I was allergic to wearing pants until my thirties, because why would I do that when I could wear dresses and skirts?? — but one of the more girly things I do is insist on trying really hard to be Supermom, and when birthdays and holidays come around, I flout all my 21st-century sensibilities and get all June Cleaver on the place. I even invented a chocolate cake recipe for my daughter’s second birthday so she could have something new and fabulous and not from a grocery store or bakery. The recipe was so popular that it’s still the tradition for every occasion, though I’ve been making it five years now. My original recipe was even published in a cookbook. Even though I have two full-time careers (high school teacher and professional writer) and a family and a house in the suburbs, I insist on having the kids’ birthday parties at home and making their birthday cakes each time, making special birthday cakes for their classes, and wearing adorable vintage-style dresses AND a fabulous apron any time I entertain, make-up, jewelry, and hair done up. I’ve also thrown upwards of four dozen baby or bridal showers over the last twelve years, and by now, I’m darn good at it. And I can hostess a tea like no one’s business, including fancy hats, cucumber and watercress sandwiches, and the excellent great-grandmother’s china.

    But my garden is still fledgling at best. (I’ll be blogging about that again this week.)

    Whew! Time to go grade papers…

    Reply

  28. freddyflow Says:

    I read a Kinsella novel in Italian (and borrowed the book from my wife), Girly man!

    Reply

  29. Madame Weebles Says:

    Are you kidding? A man being able to make a good pie crust is a manly man indeed. A man comfortable in his masculinity. A man who can whip up a good pie crust is a man you want in your foxhole.

    Reply

  30. jubilare Says:

    I once jumped on a couch to avoid a camel cricket. Worse, my brother came into the room and immediately asked “so where is the cricket?”

    I have been known to pick up spiders with my bare hands, I love snakes and I once had a pet centipede that was about three inches long. But the damn crickets get me every time!

    Reply

  31. Six Glasses of Water Says:

    “sex IN the city” :D

    Reply

  32. Shannon Says:

    I’m more like a guy in soooo many ways; in fact, there’s very little “girlie” about me. But I also make a kick-ass crust, but unlike you, I like to think of it as more of a guy thing (perhaps it’s the liquor talking).

    Reply

  33. hollybernabe Says:

    Oh please tell me the secret of your pie crust! My pie crusts always SUCK. And I’m a pretty good baker, otherwise. For some reason, decent pie crust eludes me…

    Reply

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