This Weekend’s Box Office Highlights: People Still Like Movies

April 30, 2012

Film, Humor

Highlights from this weekend’s movie theater showings:

Topping the box office this weekend was Think Like A Man, which is apparently a movie that’s out right now.  It was also number one last weekend. Huh.

An impressive number of people turned out to see Avengers, only to realize that it opens next weekend, and then remark that it totally makes sense now, why they had no problem renting that Thor costume.

You thought I was making that up, didn't you.

Madonna’s directorial debut, W.E., continues to wow audiences, roaring up the charts from last week’s 72nd place, to come in at 47th this weekend, just barely falling behind an independent Norwegian film called Få Meg På, For Faen (translated: Turn Me On, Dammit!) that’s playing 5 theaters, total.

The film adaptation of Nicholas Sparks’ The Lucky One continues its streak of being the number one film of all time that men emerge from saying loudly enough for strangers to hear, “You know who’s not the lucky one?  Everyone who had to sit through that.”

That Netflix copy of Midnight in Paris continues its second week of sitting by the DVD player in our house unwatched, even though I’ve already seen it, so I know how good it is, and we both want to watch it but, man, the time slips away, doesn’t it?  Predictions are also dire for the upcoming The Shield, Season 3, disc 2.

Hunger Games producer (artist's rendering)

The Hunger Games just barely eked its way to fourth place at the box office.  Producers comforted themselves on this tepid performance by laughing maniacally and rolling around on the $372,455,000 it’s made so far.

The Cabin in the Woods, continued a solid showing at the box office this weekend.  Moods were dampened slightly by the fact that everyone who saw it knew they’d seen it without me, even though I really want to see it but I’m just really busy the last couple weeks so, no, you know, fine, go see it.  It’s cool.  Whatever.  Have fun.

"Jeez... this isn't sexy at ALL..."

Critics have estimated there were roughly 745 uncomfortable exchanges of looks between parents who’d taken their kids to see Aardman productions’ latest claymation work, The Pirates! Band of Misfits, and lone adults who’d shown up thinking it was another installment in the big budget Pirates pornography franchise, each thinking the other was a monster, until the film actually began, at which point the lone adults muttered, “Oooohhhhhhh… got it” and slunk out.

Producers and box-Office predictors were disappointed by the performance of The Five-Year Engagement, angrily commenting that they worked really hard to produce a solid comedy.  Way better than… I mean, come on… 21 Jump StreetAmerican Reunion?  For God’s sake, America, producers and predictors huffed.

Film-goers around the country continued to get more and more excited for the making of Byronic Man: The Motion Picture, estimating that a bidding war for the rights to the blog was likely to break out at any time and, boy howdy, if they had the cash they would try to win that one.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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20 Comments on “This Weekend’s Box Office Highlights: People Still Like Movies”

  1. Michelle Gillies Says:

    So. You are saying I didn’t miss the Avengers. Ok then.

    Reply

  2. Life in the Boomer Lane Says:

    Yikes. I haven’t heard of most of these. As soon as I finish my manuscript on advaita vedāntathe (those eighth and ninth century Indian philosophers were a gas), I will have to catch up.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      A movie about the warrior Arjuna and his trusty advisor Krishna would be a pretty awesome action movie. Except for the moral of the story that, sure, wipe everyone out – life is just an illusion.

      Reply

  3. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    Thanks, I really appreciate this, you just saved me about $300 – and that’s not including the purchase of the completely addicting popcorn (its not included in the estimated savings because I love it more than most of the movies and I usually eat it in place of dinner …..)

    Reply

  4. susielindau Says:

    The last time I went to the theater, it was empty and the movie had come out the week before! I usually wait for them to come to PPV. Most suck anyway. Doesn’t it seem odd that they can’t write a good screenplay?
    I will go again when the Byronic Man’s blog is up in lights!

    Reply

  5. crubin Says:

    I saw “Safe” this weekend. Perhaps Jason Statham could play you in “Byronic Man: The Motion Picture.” Of course, either you will have to shave your head or he will have to wear a wig. And you might have to include a little more violence in your posts. That movie had a hate-to-love-it-but-I-do body count.

    Reply

  6. DiatribesAndOvations.com Says:

    Awesome post. I think you’d make a great film critic. I’d do it myself but I can’t stand the thought of sitting through the dreg that’s in my local multiplex.

    Reply

  7. benzeknees Says:

    Gave up movies years ago when they ran out of original ideas for scripts. I will sometimes DVR a romantic comedy or an action/adventure movie to watch in my jammies. I just can’t see the attraction of paying way too much money to sit for a couple hours in an uncomfortable seat, with a load of other people & their nasty germs, scarfing down overpriced snacks to watch a movie. Just doesn’t appeal to me at all.

    Reply

  8. tedstrutz Says:

    I am surprised you have not insisted that ‘Midnight in Paris’ be watched Immediately. Where is your clout… oh wait, this is the man expounding on his girly attributes last week.

    Reply

  9. Tracy Gibson Says:

    I had the same response to “Think Like A Man”. The previews did not catch my eye. I guess word of mouth is helping. I can wait to see it on Netflix.

    Reply

  10. 1pointperspective Says:

    Despite my recent unpleasant movie-going experience, I’d be first in line at my local mega-plex for the Byronic Man movie.Perhaps your next contest should involve casting suggestions from us loyal Byronix as to who should play you, your wife and that little rascal Kidney Bean in the upcoming blockbuster. As a tie-breaker, contestants will also have to name and cast the villain.

    Reply

  11. Blogdramedy Says:

    After my foray into the world of The Hunger Games, the Mister and I have decided to go see the movie. I’ll report back…it may not be pretty.

    Reply

  12. spilledinkguy Says:

    Man – now that you mention it… it’s been a while since I’ve been to the movies.
    I’ve heard a wild rumor they’re actually producing these things in color now.
    I should probably look into that.

    Reply

  13. Howlin' Mad Heather Says:

    I feel stupid for showing up to the theater in my Black Widow costume now…

    Reply

  14. gojulesgo Says:

    Not shocking comment: I saw The Lucky One.
    Shocking comment: Didn’t like it.
    More shocking comment: I don’t know why I thought I would. I don’t like Nicholas Sparks.
    Not shocking comment: Except for A Walk to Remember.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Well, I’m not terribly shocked, because there are formula writers who seem to enjoy their formula. Sparks, on the other hand, and the people who turn his books in to movies, seem to use his formula with almost casual disdain. “Fine, here’s the part where ____ happens. They’ll love it. They always do.”

      Reply

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