I managed to find the tiny gravel fire-road in the middle of the woods where we were going to be filming the first shots for a commercial I’d been cast in. How the location scouts had found these roads to begin with, I had no idea. I drove down and found the crew setting up. Pulled up, said hello to the director, and he said, “Hi. Uh, so… you afraid of heights?”
This was a concerning start to the shoot.
This commercial basically involved me walking through foggy, wet forest in a very expensive suit, and the first thing we were filming was the big final shot – originally it was going to be a shot by a sunny lake, but they decided at the last minute to have an aerial shot of me standing on the edge of a cliff. A cliff with wet rocks. With me in slick-soled dress shoes.
Drone pilots readying the copter with the camera.
Setting up my cliff-top desk. Why? Where do you keep your desk?
The thing is, I’ve worked with this film company many times. They’re great. But they also film a lot of outdoor/extreme sport stuff, and so there’s a mentality of adventure that doesn’t usually involve dress shoes. For example, I bumped in to one of the managers recently, and she told me about how they’d just gotten back from Alaska, filming guys jumping out of helicopters in wing-suits. When someone tells you that, all you can do is dread them asking what you’ve been up to (“Oh, uh, I went to REI and thought they didn’t have the jacket I wanted, but then saw it on the clearance rack and there was only one left and it was my size. So… you know… that was pretty exciting, too…”)
Crew tent/my dressing room. Glamorous, eh?
The suit I’d be wearing had been custom tailored to me, and one of the first questions I asked when I got hired was, “So, does that mean I get to keep the suit?” They said they’d ask the client. I was told, though, that I definitely wouldn’t be allowed to keep the very expensive, hand-crafted Italian shoes.
I don’t know. The client’s from Boston, and said everyone will notice if the shoes are cheap. You East Coasters…
Which was fine, because after two days of tromping through the wet forest, they wouldn’t be so slick looking any more. Weird, right? It’s almost like they didn’t even factor off-trail hiking in the Pacific Northwest when they made these fancy dress shoes.
For what it’s worth, they’re not very comfortable to hike in, either.
We did a couple trial runs, and I didn’t fall to my death, so proceeded. If you watch the ad at the end of the post, it really won’t look like it took hours and hours and hours to shoot the ending. That’s the thing about film shoots, though – it generally looks like something you can crank out. It also probably doesn’t look like I’m freezing (I was trying to be a Team Player, and Tough It Out which led to me Shivering Uncontrollably later in the car).
Still from the final aerial shot. It’s a great shot, but you never really see how high the cliff is… which is really too bad for my ego.
The second day we had a larger crew, and I had a handler. Having someone who’s job it is to meet your every need, including hold your umbrella and touch up your hair every few minutes makes you simultaneously feel very important, and like a pathetic, delicate little flower.
WHY am I holding my own umbrella??!! What am I, a RANCH-HAND?! My god, someone get me a Fiji water…
I met the clients and we all chatted for a bit. I waited at least 45 seconds before casually dropping, “So. The suit. Tailored to me. Only me. Can I keep it?” They said that seemed like a possibility. They’d have to discuss it.
So we did shot after shot after shot with me walking along, flanked by a couple burly guys blasting me with fog machines.
“Is this stuff safe to breathe?” “Sure. They use it in nightclubs.” “Ah, nightclubs. Those havens of physical health. Great.”
There were several locations, down tiny fire-roads – some of which were so narrow and so bumpy we went down without entirely being sure of how we’d get out.
The poster for my new movie, a mash-up of Wolf of Wall Street and The Lord of the Rings
Finally, closing in on done, we were losing daylight, and using the last fumes of power to generate fake light.
Just stand on that tree and hold that huge light on a pole! Lean back! Further! Nah, you’ll be fine!
We got done, shared high-fives all around, and I went to change. One of the owners came and said, “So, they’ve decided they want to keep the suit.”
“Why? For who?”
“They don’t know. They said maybe it’ll fit someone at their office.”
“Really? They have someone my exact height and proportions? Who also won’t care that I’ve been hiking in this thing for two days?”
I don’t even wear suits that often, but it’s the principle of the thing. You understand.
But for this suit, I’d find reasons. (Also, this is just kind of a cool picture…)
So that was a downer way to end, but we got the thing shot, I didn’t fall off a cliff (sorry if the title was misleading and you were hoping for some cliff-plummeting excitement), and so far haven’t been hacking up fake fog. A successful job.
Now I just need to learn how to fly in a wingsuit.
The Byronic Man 
April 20, 2015 at 4:45 am
Nice job! I found it very interesting how this was made and all you went through.
April 20, 2015 at 9:16 am
Oh, good. The post is waaaay too long, but just wasn’t sure what to leave out…
April 20, 2015 at 5:37 pm
Not too long, I don’t think. I enjoyed it. 🙂
April 28, 2023 at 3:02 pm
Nah, it was interesting enough for keeping attention. Then again, I write like the devil. 😈
April 20, 2015 at 5:16 am
So I’m guessing that the ad goes something like “Financial planning company Z: we’ll help you through the thicket and the for of financial planning. But we’ll take your suit and your shoes after we’re done. “
April 20, 2015 at 6:52 am
Yeah – invest with us: You may lose your suit…and your shoes…but you won’t lose your shirt.
April 22, 2015 at 9:00 pm
Unless the shirt is a part of the suit.
April 20, 2015 at 9:19 am
It was a whole “seeing the forest for the trees” thing. And it might actually work to their advantage to tell their clients “We keep everything, just in case. We even have old calendars, on the off chance they’ll by kitsch and we can make money on them!”
April 22, 2015 at 9:00 pm
Actually, every few years a calendar will repeat (2015 is the same as 2009 and 1998), so it makes total sense to keep them.
April 20, 2015 at 6:37 am
i would have clicked those thousand dollar shoes and escaped with the suit . it’s a really good looking suit. glad you didn’t plummet to your death
April 20, 2015 at 9:17 am
Well, I got paid more than the suit was worth. I should have asked for the check while wearing the suit, then ran.
April 24, 2015 at 2:31 am
Yes .much better idea
April 20, 2015 at 6:54 am
I got vertigo from that last shot and have to lie down so I don’t throw up. Yikes!
But what I really want to know is, would you recommend that I buy pork belly futures or sell them at this point in the market?
April 20, 2015 at 8:38 am
One word: Plastics.
April 20, 2015 at 8:16 am
Wow. I had never realized financial planning was so dramatic. For the sequel, can they do a volcano? A misty forest cliff is cool, but the sequel has to kick things up. A volcano would do that.
April 20, 2015 at 9:20 am
A “mount doom” sequel would also keep the Lord of the Rings feel to the thing.
April 20, 2015 at 10:12 am
Oh the perils of acting, eh? As a former model, I shot on location in some extreme locations as well – but got to keep almost everything I wore. That last shot in the ad is really cool, as well as your movie poster. You’re the best dressed Bigfoot I’ve seen in a long time
April 20, 2015 at 11:27 am
Yeah it’s always a toss up if you get to keep the clothes (I did a catalog for outdoor gear and was pretty confident I wouldn’t get to keep the $800 ski goggles), but a custom tailored suit that I wore for two full days seemed like a pretty safe bet to me. Oh well.
April 20, 2015 at 1:15 pm
Interesting for a lot of reasons. The lust for the suit–basically a jacket and a pair of pants, right? But I’m not a guy. My first Hawaii visit, my first day, spotted a silk suit I couldn’t afford. Went without eating for three days, and then ate one meal only the last two so that I could buy it. Best suit I ever had. Royal blue silk with a woven weensy paisley texture. Gorgeous.
Interesting that the marketers are appealing to office-bound screen-bound dudes who would decadently spend major bucks on extremely uncomfortable shoes by getting them to envision themselves as bold adventurers/explorers. I like it.
The last shot IS great. Don’t worry. You can tell you’re high up.
🙂
April 21, 2015 at 1:29 pm
That’s what always amazes me about expensive shoes – I naively assumed that you bought pricey shoes because they looked great and were comfortable. My first pair of expensive dress shoes, I thought I’d been had. Why would I spend this much to hurt all day?
April 20, 2015 at 3:50 pm
How do you find time to teach? Ah yes, teaching by example again.
April 21, 2015 at 1:29 pm
That’s the question I’ve been asking myself since September…
April 20, 2015 at 4:58 pm
I’m trying to watch the commercial and all I get is a black screen. I hope I didn’t accidentally click the button that sent you off the cliff!
Also, since you’re not new to this rodeo, even if they still do this you’re probably used to it: do they refer to you as “The Talent,” even in your presence? Do you want to go home and make the family refer to you as “The Talent”?
April 20, 2015 at 4:59 pm
Also, nice shoes!
April 21, 2015 at 1:30 pm
Hm, don’t know why you’re getting a black screen. Hopefully it hasn’t been taken down…
And yes, I got used to being called The Talent. It always sounds kind of sarcastic to me.
April 20, 2015 at 5:55 pm
Especially love the caption under the photo of the pathetic wilted flower and his handler.
Nice that I can always count on your blog to make me laugh. Even on days the microwave dies!
April 21, 2015 at 1:31 pm
Sorry about the microwave. Hopefully it wasn’t my post that did it.
April 21, 2015 at 4:52 am
I love that when (if) I ever see this ad on TV I can jump up and down and scream, “I KNOW THOSE SHOES!”
April 21, 2015 at 7:39 am
You can also wow people by saying, “Ah, those are clearly nice shoes. Italian, if I’m not mistaken.”
April 22, 2015 at 4:31 am
Aw man! No “plunging to your death” ending?? Naturally I was assuming this post was written by your impeccably dressed doppelgänger. Good to know you survived. What were you thinking during that last shot? “Must resist urge to lean forward! Don’t lean! Don’t lean! DO NOT LEAN!” Also? Very cool commercial. It has a certain “Jack lost in purgatory on a deserted island” feel to it.
April 22, 2015 at 9:57 am
What also got cut is that I didn’t just have to stand there, I had to walk up and lean against the table without – without – ever looking at my feet. And as I type this I’ve decided doing this ad was a bad idea.
April 22, 2015 at 4:32 am
Soooo, you do your own stunts. I just hope everyone watching realizes what went into making this and they don’t think it was done in front of a green screen.
The suit does fit like a glove and I LOVE those shoes, which I feel obligated to purchase now since you risked your life advertising their beauty.
April 22, 2015 at 10:08 am
A green-screen would have been warmer, that’s for sure.
April 22, 2015 at 6:28 am
No stunt double?? I guess they couldn’t afford another perfectly tailored suit.
April 27, 2015 at 11:21 am
That was some damn fine forest walking you did there, sir. You’ll definitely be on the fast track for the next hobbit-related film.
July 24, 2015 at 3:35 am
Everybody wanys fancy things, even if one of those fancy things is a custom-made suit worth lots of cash that fits very specific people.
April 26, 2023 at 10:15 am
Keep up the good work brother
April 26, 2023 at 1:06 pm
I enjoyed this trip with you. 😂
April 28, 2023 at 3:01 pm
As a screenwriter, I can absolutely attest to the conditions you were subjected to experiencing. That suit did look super nice on you, by the way. They probably figured they could sell it for profit because you were so insistent on keeping it. Just saying! Truth be told, when it was made—tax write-off!
The shoes? LOVE THEM!
And got so you went through? It’s obvious you are a keeper to them. Serious die-hards don’t hang on trees—or do they? 🙃
May 1, 2023 at 1:45 pm
They were actually a great crew to work for – the clients were… the clients… but really fun team. Plus the production crew is always a blast. Now this other time… https://thebyronicman.com/2013/06/04/quiet-concern-on-the-set-please/
May 5, 2023 at 9:32 am
OMG!!! When you’re intoxicated and get a “nut nail” a long, long time after the shoot is to start, that’s mentally crippling—compounding your already damaged manhood.
The least they could have done is provided dinner first. Just sayin’.
April 28, 2023 at 11:31 pm
Interesting post. Humorous and evocative. Great stuff! 👏🙏