I can be a word snob; I admit that. But I am also a reasonable man. When things reach such a crisis level as this, immediate diplomatic action is required, lest things break out in to total chaos.
I am, of course, referring to Google’s addition to its definition of “literal” as “used for emphasis or to express strong feeling while not being literally true.” In other words, “literal: meaning, you know, not.” And this is literally insane. Word purists have been driven to the edge (figuratively) for years by people exclaiming that they “literally exploded” with anger, or “literally crapped [their] pants” in fear without it now being validated by Google, thank you very much.
But, recognizing that language is a living, fluid thing, and wanting to avoid physical conflict (because, let’s face it, the Word Snobs are probably going down hard in that one), I offer the following compromise between the Word Snobs, and the Colloquialists:
Oh, God, really? Ugh, oof. Yeesh. “Everyday WHAT is a gift?” Never mind. Put it on your car. Yep, right on the paint.
“Literally”: I enjoy irony as much as the next red-blooded American, but having a word that means absolute truth meaning something else is too much. Besides, it’s already juggling two meanings: literal, and something which occurs in literature. This one’s ours. Google, do your part.
Using “everyday” when you mean “every day”: Yours. Take it. Enjoy. Advertise that your restaurant has “specials everyday” with impunity.
“Could Care Less”: Tricky one. Because if you say “I could care less” about something, then you do, in fact, care. This one’s ours, because it’s so easy to say correctly, but with the exemption that if it’s said with clear, prima facie sarcasm, it’s acceptable.
“Affect vs. Effect”: This one’s easy – we eliminate “affect” and just use “effect” instead. Everyone’s happy, except for people who refuse to follow the new rule. Also people with quirky affectations might take umbrage, but they’ll just have to cry into their cravats, or dragon-headed canes, or shoulder-mounted ferrets, or whatever.
This may effect you, sir.
“Momentarily”: This one should go to the word snobs, but it’s been ruined by smugness. The stewardess announces that the plane “should be landing momentarily,” and someone smirks and says, “Oh? And what will it do after it’s landed for a moment?” And looks around for, I don’t know, high fives? So, you cost us this one, smirking airplane snob.
Confusing “its” and “it’s”: Ours. Come on. If you’re saying ‘it is’ or ‘it has’ there’s an apostrophe; otherwise, not. This is a very simple rule. Learn it.
“Expecially”: Are you under 8 years old? Then fine. Otherwise, it’s deportation for you.
Saying “nucular” instead of “nuclear”: This one requires a middle-ground. You may say nucular, BUT, if you cannot say nuclear, you are not allowed access to or involvement with anything nuclear.
“Irregardless.”: Ours. This is not a word. No discussion. People should be allowed to literally go ballistic when this gets said.
The Byronic Man 
January 20, 2014 at 4:10 am
I struggled to read much beyond the literally thing because I’m furious about that! I couldn’t believe it, and so I searched on dictionary.com and they are doing it too! One of the options is “in effect; in substance; very nearly; virtually.” WTF? How long has this been going on and who authorised it? That’s what I want to know! And I most certainly COULD care less about that.
January 21, 2014 at 7:40 am
It’s like it snuck in, isn’t it? So when people use it wrong, and you get irked and say, “That’s NOT WHAT IT MEANS” now suddenly, they can say, “Oh yeah? Look it up.”
January 21, 2014 at 8:42 am
I know right! By the way, your post here has inspired me to write something, hopefully that will go up in the next couple of days and I’ll link back to this post from it.
January 20, 2014 at 4:14 am
So, does that mean that if everyone says something stupid often enough, it becomes true?? This does not bode well at all. soon we will be forced to say ‘That Is All’ after every statement we make. Where will this end??
January 21, 2014 at 7:41 am
And in a lot of cases it just takes time, and we all forget. Apparently when someone coined the term “electrocute” as a mash-up of “electrify” and “execute” people heard it with all the class and dignity of “chillax.” Now, no one thinks twice. Doesn’t bode well.
January 20, 2014 at 4:19 am
Irregardless annoys the hell out of me. Literally. 😉
Great post!
January 21, 2014 at 7:42 am
People misunderestimate how annoying it can be.
January 20, 2014 at 4:54 am
This is all news to me. Let me see if I’ve got this right; some organization is rewriting the definitions in the dictionary? Hey, not for nothing, but I was still working on learning the original definitions. Now I’ll have to go back to page 1 and start over! To be honest, I couldn’t care less because I was only up to page 7 anyways.
January 21, 2014 at 7:43 am
Although, there’s no copyright on dictionaries, or definitions. You could make your own dictionary and have words mean any crazy thing you want.
Food for thought…
January 20, 2014 at 5:03 am
YES to the nuclear vs nucular especially! I grew up with in an area famous for nuclear technology, and it is CRAZY-MAKING to hear someone in the media mispronounce the word. ESPECIALLY when the crime is committed by someone with a string of advisers. If you cannot learn the proper pronunciation after six months with a staff of your own, I say impeachment!
January 20, 2014 at 8:15 am
You meant to say “expecially”, didn’t you? 😉
January 20, 2014 at 11:48 am
I did. I can’t believe I forgot the “X!” I’ve been working on that!
January 20, 2014 at 4:02 pm
🙂
January 20, 2014 at 5:09 am
I bet you proof read this post a hundred times.
I also get literally er, irritated by the misuse of apostrophe’s. (See what I did there?)
January 21, 2014 at 7:44 am
It was pretty anxiety-inducing. There’s always a few typos, but in this post it was going to completely ruin it. I was worried enough in the picture about “affect/effect” that people wouldn’t know I was intentionally mis-using the term.
January 20, 2014 at 5:10 am
Don’t forget thusly or hopefully, darling. Bloody savages. By definition, if you cannot properly speak a language, nor successfully navigate its grammar, then you are literally illiterate.
January 21, 2014 at 7:51 am
Ditto for “awful,” as in, ‘to inspire awe.’
January 20, 2014 at 5:31 am
I am virtually beside myself in applauding your decision to draw a line in the sand. Really.
January 21, 2014 at 7:51 am
I had to find some sand, because I wanted a literal line drawn.
January 20, 2014 at 5:37 am
I confess that each time I hear of a new word being added to the dictionary to include current language I often cringe. This new trend to adjust the meaning of a word saddens me. Proper language is just randomly being adjusted so that people who were to lazy to learn it correctly the first time around are comfortable.
January 20, 2014 at 5:48 am
I agree with silk purse – exactly my sentiments.
January 20, 2014 at 6:03 am
Yup.
January 21, 2014 at 7:52 am
I suppose it’s an “age of the internet” thing, but it’s weird hearing the OED trying to generate publicity.
January 20, 2014 at 5:41 am
I literally threw my “everyday is a gift” bumper sticker when I read that nonsense about literally. I blame reality television.
January 21, 2014 at 7:53 am
It’s as likely a suspect as any…
January 20, 2014 at 5:47 am
Please do a regular grammar lesson, Byronic man – if I want some word learnin’ I also want to be entertained. And I was. But I fear the purity of my language. When “twerk” was added to a dictionary, I was momentarily blinded by rage.
January 21, 2014 at 7:54 am
Well, it’s always changing, so there’s no way to keep up. Personally, I say, “there’s myriad reasons…” which is correct, but so is “There are a myriad of reasons” and a lot of people who do one flip out at the sound of the other.
January 20, 2014 at 5:58 am
Loose v. lose (Loose 5, Lose 1). Less V Fewer (count your victories). Number v Amount (ditto and ditto again). So many misconstrued words, so little time. Exasperated V exacerbated — What’s in a word anyhow?
January 21, 2014 at 7:55 am
Good v. Well. “I’m feeling good!” “Excellent, all nerve endings fully functional,eh?”
January 21, 2014 at 2:11 pm
Is that like the Italian horse trainer who said ‘this horse no looka so good’ as it ran into a fence it didn’t see?
February 27, 2014 at 7:12 pm
To each their druthers, sir.
I am good; I feel good today.==>I feel good.
My sensitive right fingers feel textures well.==>I feel well.
My numb left fingers feel textures badly.==>I feel badly.
We’re sorting clear glass,
Out from ice,
Whoever’s fastest,
Wins a prize.
“I feel badly,
My hands are numb,
I feel bad,
‘Cause I can’t come.”
“I feel well;
My hands are fine;
I feel good;
That prize is mine.
“I feel well”.
Means touch is good;
Your fingers feel
Just what they should.
“I feel good.”
Means health’s at peak.
(Or fingers work,
But grammar’s weak.)
(Now that I penned that, think I’ll copy it into a post on my blog.)
Really enjoyed your post, which may irk you, given the above.
That “literally” business can infuriate me, if I let it.
March 1, 2014 at 12:45 pm
Permission to copy your post on my Facebook?
March 1, 2014 at 1:02 pm
Gee, how flattering! Sure, Paul, but I’d love it if you’d wait until next week, when I post a slightly dolled-up version on my blog The Last Half (I post there only weekly, and chose somethin’ else today). Meanwhile, you might enjoy this older post regarding the abysmal abuse of apostrophes:
https://outlierbabe.wordpress.com/2011/12/15/apostrophe-catastrophe/
March 1, 2014 at 1:13 pm
OK, I’ll (I will) re-post the apostrophe post now, and your (not you’re) “Good vs. Well” post next week. Please remind me as my memory isn’t (not ain’t) so good (not well).
March 2, 2014 at 7:00 pm
Paul, I just posted it:
http://outlierbabe.wordpress.com/2014/03/02/i-feel-good-aint-rong/
You’re welcome to use either version–don’t know why I was so picky before.
O. Babe
January 20, 2014 at 6:05 am
As long as we’re making a list, let’s not forget that “presently” means “soon.” It does not mean “at the present time.” I know it seems counter-intuitive. I don’t make the rules. (Though apparently Google thinks they can.)
January 21, 2014 at 7:56 am
English is such a miss-mash language, anyway, might as well go crazy with it.
January 21, 2014 at 1:00 pm
Oh, of course!
January 20, 2014 at 6:10 am
“Supposably.” I worked with someone for 6 years who said, “Supposably.”
January 21, 2014 at 7:57 am
There was an English teacher where I work who said “expecially.” Of course, he also said poetry doesn’t really have deeper meaning, it’s whatever you want it to mean, so…
January 20, 2014 at 6:31 am
Could not be more disappointed in Google if I tried. I know each generation of humans tends to be more stupid than the last (seriously, can you imagine 50 years from now?), but I expected more from Google. For shame.
January 21, 2014 at 7:57 am
Well, you know their motto: “Literally Don’t Be Evil.”
January 20, 2014 at 7:15 am
so many words. so little time–
January 20, 2014 at 7:40 am
Love it when the steward/ess says we will momentarily deplane. Is deplane a word oh Byronic one?
January 20, 2014 at 9:02 am
Only if you’re alerting Mr. Rourke that the next visitors will be arriving on Fantasy Island soon.
January 20, 2014 at 12:12 pm
You are too funny. No, wait. I didn’t mean that.
January 20, 2014 at 7:54 am
We should all start grunting and pointing instead. I get so “fustrated” when some people “aks” me questions.
January 21, 2014 at 7:58 am
Works for toddlers and cavemen!
January 21, 2014 at 7:59 am
Good one! “uggu bugga”
January 21, 2014 at 1:03 pm
OhGodOhGodOhGod! This one! Right there! It effects my affect!
January 20, 2014 at 8:12 am
NO! I am (literally) stunned. Why have I fought this battle all these years? Oh, damn fluid language!
January 21, 2014 at 7:58 am
War isn’t over. It pretty much is, but not completely…
January 20, 2014 at 8:18 am
The Post-Modern era at it’s best: words no longer have ANY meaning. Or didn’t you get the memo?
Irregardless…. its expecially annoying when my spell check still won’t except chimley.
January 20, 2014 at 8:18 am
P.S. My proof-reading brain was screaming as I typed the above! lol
January 21, 2014 at 8:00 am
That’s why I ignore most of what people say.
“I told you not to open that door!”
“Yeah, you ‘told’ me, but what are ‘words’? An artificial construct of guttural sounds to which you and I ascribe our personal meaning. And I heard you offer me waffles, which I am still waiting for.”
January 21, 2014 at 8:05 am
But you can’t ignore it – because even the people who say words have no meaning are saying something meaningful. “There’s a double meaning in that.” – Much Ado About Nothing
Maybe it is all wind and none of it matters. But I write because I don’t believe that in the least. Words have POWER beyond our understanding of it. And so we will keep writing, speaking, listening … just maybe not ‘literally’. 😉
Thanks for taking the time to respond to my comment.
January 20, 2014 at 8:22 am
Just for this post, I nominate you the official diplomatic representative of the word nerds. Go forth and make peace. And, since I’m a proper Amur’can, if diplomacy fails, please feel free to smite the opposing team while exploiting the benefits of diplomatic immunity.
January 21, 2014 at 8:05 am
Only if I get to bang my shoe on the table, and yell a lot.
January 21, 2014 at 8:08 am
Well, obviously. I mean, otherwise, how would anyone know you’re an important diplomat?
January 20, 2014 at 8:25 am
When ever (or whenever) I have to use effect, I switch the word to impact just so I don’t have to figure out which one (or whichone) to use.
January 21, 2014 at 8:06 am
When I’m trying to explain the difference between the two to my writing students, and they ask why there are two versions of the word, my response is basically, “No reason. Just to make things a little tougher.”
January 20, 2014 at 8:31 am
I almost didn’t make it through this post due to word rage. Literally. No, really literally.
January 21, 2014 at 10:59 am
As in “within the context of literature”? Weird.
January 20, 2014 at 9:09 am
When dictionaries add “twerk” and “selfie” to the lexicon, it isn’t surprising they’ve totally butchered the definition of “literally.” Still, this doesn’t keep me from literally throwing a temper tantrum about the grammar atrocities being committed.
January 21, 2014 at 10:59 am
I like the idea that in 100 years people will still be referring to twerking, and therefore an official definition is necessary.
January 20, 2014 at 9:45 am
There’s debate going on over at my blog regarding omelette versus omelet. I say it’s omelette.
One of my pet peeves: who’s versus whose. Or any misuse of apostrophes.
January 20, 2014 at 11:18 am
Maybe an omelette is a baby omelet. 🙂
January 20, 2014 at 4:47 pm
Is that why it’s (it is) more expensive?
January 20, 2014 at 5:38 pm
You are very clever, Jackie, literally and figuratively. No, just literally.
January 21, 2014 at 11:02 am
Personally, I prefer “stuffed egg bag.”
January 21, 2014 at 2:04 pm
I can’t get the proper whose/who’se (whos?) straight to save my life. Total mental block about it, to my everlasting shame.
January 20, 2014 at 11:06 am
I agree with everythink you say, expecially the one about expecially! Youse is a triffic Word Snob.
January 20, 2014 at 11:19 am
Using they’re, their and there correctly are my pet peeves. Come on, people.
January 20, 2014 at 11:21 am
Um, I meant using them incorrectly. Sigh.
January 21, 2014 at 11:03 am
It’d make you an incredibly interesting person if you meant what you typed the first time. Something to think about…
January 20, 2014 at 12:15 pm
The intern who fudged the word literally in the dictionary is probably laughing his ass off. Particularly since they used the word literally to say that literally didnt necessarily mean literally.
January 21, 2014 at 11:04 am
That’s the part that seem especially audacious – using the words “not literal.” Like they want people to blow a gasket.
January 20, 2014 at 12:50 pm
Supposably, everyone knows these rules. But I could care less. It doesn’t effect me.
January 21, 2014 at 11:06 am
Besides, auto-correct will defiantly cache any errors.
January 20, 2014 at 12:53 pm
I have, for years, been saying that a man who cannot properly pronounce the word nuclear shouldn’t be in charge of said weapons.
January 20, 2014 at 4:52 pm
Maybe the answer is to use “nucular” to describe war-time and “nuclear” to describe peace-time use of atomic energy. That way, we can always tell the war-mongering morons from the intelligent peaceniks. Just a suggestion…
January 20, 2014 at 4:55 pm
Anything is worth a shot at this point.
January 21, 2014 at 8:02 am
I thought one of most nefarious/impressive things the republicans did during the Bush years is, when he wouldn’t say “nuclear,” ALL of the Republicans started saying nucular. Then once he was out of office, they stopped.
January 21, 2014 at 8:03 am
I never noticed that.
January 20, 2014 at 4:40 pm
What a great post, B-man! Its effective how you use these words everyday. Normally, I could care less what word snobs have to say. But I was literally blown away by how you did it. I am so glad you spend everyday teaching. You might just effect some changes!
Ok. Now I need to throw iPad.
January 20, 2014 at 5:05 pm
Throw up. Then throw this damn iPad that literally has a mind of its own.
January 21, 2014 at 11:11 am
Did it really change “up” to “iPad”? Your iPad may have become sentient.
January 21, 2014 at 1:32 pm
Yes, it did. I think it is tired of me and wanted me to throw it. But I resisted.
January 20, 2014 at 4:59 pm
Another addition to the “not a word” list: “perogative” instead of “prerogative.” I have even seen University professors screw this up, in writing no less! I guess Ph.D. really stands for “Ph*cking Dipsh*t.” But then, I couldn’t possible care any less about someone’s educational degree when they treat it more like an educational pedigree.
January 20, 2014 at 5:00 pm
Oops…I meant “possibly”…no more reality TV for me…
January 21, 2014 at 11:13 am
Ugh, I can’t stand it when people “name-drop” their degree. As if it’s a super-power, or card from the governor that says, “The holder of this card is right about everything, and knows your job better than you.”
January 20, 2014 at 7:46 pm
I used to work with someone who used to say things like, “This is lit-uh-rully the best sandwich I’ve ever eaten. I would lit-uh-rully marry it if I could. I’m serious, it’ll be the best thing you’ve ever eaten. Lit-uh-rully.”
Needless to say I planted drugs in her desk, and called HR about it.
January 21, 2014 at 11:52 am
And, of course, if they just dropped the “literally” it becomes a harmless affectation. I have lots of friends who claim things are the best ____ ever. But add the word “literally”? Now you’re just LYING.
January 20, 2014 at 9:58 pm
People need to learn the difference between ‘affect’ and ‘effect’ especially should I ax them about it. Its important. Otherwise, I literally could not care less.
January 21, 2014 at 11:53 am
We should create “uffect” and maybe “yffect” with more specific meanings, just to really make things difficult.
January 21, 2014 at 1:01 pm
And “yoor” and “yuure.” Perhaps “tuo” and “tue” as well. And of course, “Qex.”
January 21, 2014 at 2:03 pm
I don’t mean to sound superior, but I believe the proper spelling is “aks” Mr. Rants. Just FYI.
January 21, 2014 at 2:51 pm
But the Q is silent.
January 22, 2014 at 9:13 am
“Ah, yes” she replies, nodding head slowly while enjoying a shared moment of smug superiority with a fellow good-word-usage-and spellage-knower.
January 20, 2014 at 10:27 pm
Someone at Google must have read “The Hacker Diaries” that’s exactly how he used the word “literally”.http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/yesminister/
January 21, 2014 at 12:08 am
Nooooo. We need (I need) to keep affect and effect. It’s not too much to ask (‘aks’) that people spell correctly.
January 21, 2014 at 1:05 am
Oooooh, ‘aks.’ I work at a call center and I get that alllllllll dayyyyyyy loooong. Kills me a little bit every time.
January 21, 2014 at 1:05 am
This is SO fantastic. I figuratively pissed myself laughing. And then I literally got a pain in my side from the laughter. Keep ’em coming ;D
January 21, 2014 at 11:09 am
Well, when you literally piss yourself, I’ll know I’ve done my job.
January 21, 2014 at 1:53 pm
XD
January 21, 2014 at 4:21 am
I have to admit that I got hung up on “I could care less”. I saw what was wrong, and then sat here going “I could care less… I could care less… Oh! I COULDN’T care less!”
That IS right, isn’t it?
January 21, 2014 at 7:36 am
“aks” Dear sweet, baby Jesus, let me never hear “aks” again in my life.
January 21, 2014 at 9:41 am
Hahaha …i loved this.
January 21, 2014 at 12:52 pm
I literally laughed out loud when I momentarily stopped by your post. I could indeed care less about these things because people are stupid and lazy and it must stop. Regardless it was an entertaining read. Especially because you have such a way with words.
January 21, 2014 at 1:31 pm
I remember watching a news report about how the melting polar ice caps are a way to measure increased global temperature. The newscaster said: “The polar ice caps are LITERALLY a canary in a coal mine.” It was the stupidest thing anyone has ever said.
Now, thanks to Google, that newscaster is retroactively correct.
January 23, 2014 at 1:55 pm
This post literally blew my mind… No… OK… As a fellow word snob, I tip my proverbial hat to you my friend! I didn’t know about these ludicrous changes, it makes me sad. Almost as sad as when I have to order “expresso” in coffee bars. What happened to people respecting and appreciating language?
January 28, 2014 at 8:08 pm
There was a place that called itself “expresso” because, you know, it was express espresso, and I felt it was too risky. The name might be a clever play on words, but it was perpetuating something too awful.
January 23, 2014 at 6:33 pm
I love this list. Can we add jewelry to it? It’s more about the way it’s said, like when people mispronounce nuclear. I hate when someone say’s jew-ler-ry instead of jewel-ry. So frustrating!
January 23, 2014 at 6:33 pm
Also, frustrating is my habit of inserting apostrophes when typing that I never would when writing. I miss pens.
January 25, 2014 at 11:13 am
Great post! Irregardless makes me want to kill someone or put them in remedial English class. Unfortunately, spell check considers it a word.
January 29, 2014 at 6:39 am
Love this post. I am a word snob about what other people writ, but know I make enough of my own blunders to let it ride. It’s pronunciation that gets to me. Pacific instead of specific. Punkin and capsicun rather than pumpkin or capsicum. Someone needed to draw a line, and I’m glad to find it gets such a good response!
January 30, 2014 at 11:19 am
I’ve been seeing a lot of people recently talking about grammar and how it is being misused. This post just made my day.
January 30, 2014 at 10:25 pm
Reblogged this on leperv's Demeure.
February 6, 2014 at 2:15 pm
While we’re at it, short-lived means it had a short life and rhymes with short-fived.
April 2, 2014 at 8:24 pm
I’ve argued the ‘irregardless’ topic for many years. How is this double negative considered a word? ‘Could care less’ also makes me cringe. You followed my blog recently, thought I would check yours out. This post alone puts you at the top of my favorites. I will however, be nervous when and if you read any of my incoherent ramblings.