Putting together any kind of creative performance – dance, a play, shooting a film – requires such delusional, quixotic optimism, that when I got a call this Saturday asking if I was available to play a part in a scene for a web series on Sunday, and the associate producer said:
I knew there was no way that was true (if you’ve ever done anything with film, you know that nothing can get done in under an hour), but a couple hours was no big. Also it was shooting in my part of town, so that’d help. So, I wasn’t concerned. But that’s because I hadn’t gotten the second call yet.
The time and my character had changed as well as the location. It was now not in my part of town. It wasn’t even in my town. So I was a little concerned about my time commitment and also the organization level.
Or at least I thought I was concerned at that point, but – comparatively – I wasn’t. Because I hadn’t gotten to the set yet.
I arrived promptly on time the next morning and very few people were there. A couple crew guys, a producer, one actor, and the liaison for the building where we were shooting. It was some health food/nutrition system/change-your-diet-change-your-life place and as people sat around chatting, the liaison filled the air with a non-stop barrage of highly enthusiastic and highly questionable nutrition facts.
I realized that none of these people was the lead actor. She wasn’t there. Nor was the director.
The other actor was very chatty. He was talking to the nutrition guy about how he’s mostly vegan but he’d gone out to eat the night before and had fish and maybe his system wasn’t used to it, because his stomach was upset.
Then he told me excitedly about a script he’d written. It was set in the old west and he couldn’t stop telling me about it (and I don’t blame him, I get the same way) , even when I’d clearly gotten it. He asked if I could get the reference in the plot.
An hour passed. Still no director. No one was doing anything except chatting and not drinking coffee.
I was getting concerned.
Or I thought I was.
But that’s because I hadn’t read the script yet.
It turned out my scene wasn’t just a short conversation – it involved a fight in which my character gets beaten up by the lead actress.
Stage fighting, as you can imagine, is a very delicate process. There are very set roles and rules. And so then I got really concerned.
Or I thought I did.
Because I hadn’t met the lead actress yet.
The Byronic Man 
June 4, 2013 at 3:41 am
It’s nice that they let you send email from your hospital room.
June 5, 2013 at 8:37 am
Oh, there’s going to be a hospital room involved… but, gratefully, not for me…
June 4, 2013 at 4:21 am
i love the comics here, especially the nutritionist one ahahaha! i sincerely hope you didn’t get sacked!
xo, aiyanajanee || http://www.citystylecountrysmile.com
June 4, 2013 at 4:36 am
How cruel — making us wait.
June 5, 2013 at 8:38 am
I know. But these stick figures take time.
June 4, 2013 at 4:50 am
When’s the next instalment?
June 5, 2013 at 8:39 am
Thursday! Just long enough for the Internet to work up into a fervor.
June 4, 2013 at 4:55 am
Holy crap! I was right! You are holding out! Okay. This is amazing. “…but – comparatively – I wasn’t.” HA. I can’t wait for part 2. Also, I love the way you’re pointing in the ‘Hamlet’ drawing, and the little flipped over script.
Someone I work with told me she was a “flexitarian.” I laughed because I thought she was kidding.
She wasn’t.
She said, “I eat fish.” It took everything I had in me not to say, “I think there’s an actual name for that.”
June 4, 2013 at 5:22 am
Oh crikey. I’ve gone off the Google deep end. Apparently it really is a common term. Sigh.
June 4, 2013 at 3:38 pm
I thought that meant people who don’t eat yoga instructors.
June 4, 2013 at 5:32 pm
Good one, Peg-o.
June 5, 2013 at 8:41 am
The flipped over script did turn out nicely, didn’t it?
And yeah, “flexitarian” is somehow legit-ish, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t an unbearable and pretentious way of saying, “I’m an omnivore, basically. I’m an omnivore who doesn’t eat a lot of meat.”
June 4, 2013 at 4:56 am
Really? A cliff hanger? I like how you have the talking into the camera nailed, “I know you are thinking, ‘well that’s an extraneous detail to include’. It will be important later.”
I can’t wait.
June 5, 2013 at 8:42 am
My stick figures are very avant-garde. Breaking the fourth-wall is just the tip of the progressive-art iceberg!
June 4, 2013 at 5:02 am
I see a former East German powerlifter, post-op female, as your lead actress… just guessing.
June 5, 2013 at 8:43 am
She was the stand-in for Bane on Dark Knight Rises.
June 4, 2013 at 5:06 am
I need to know what happens!!
And, also, I need to take the “extraneous detail” comic and put it on a little hand sign that I can hold up whenever I am telling a story and I catch two people giving each other the “and she’s off on a tangent” side-eyed glance. It’s pure genius.
June 5, 2013 at 8:43 am
That’s a good idea. Maybe just a t-shirt that says, “details will be important later.”
June 5, 2013 at 8:44 am
That’s a good idea – maybe even just a t-shirt with the comic on it!
June 4, 2013 at 5:35 am
It is like Hamlet. I can’t wait for Part 2. But I don’t remember the part in Hamlet where the actress kicks the drunk in the groin.
June 5, 2013 at 8:46 am
Act III. Hamlet’s says to Ophelia, “Get thee to a nunnery!” and she’s all, “Well, get thee to a nuttery, jerk-bag!” and WHAM-O, lets him have it in the crotch. Classic stuff.
June 4, 2013 at 5:37 am
Ahh, the ole stick figure talking to the audience routine. Man, that’s almost as common as screenwriters doing a revised and modernized version of Hamlet!!
It’s Hamlet, right?
June 5, 2013 at 8:47 am
You know, now that you put them together, I’d forgotten that whenever I taught Shakespeare I’d draw his plays out with stick figures to help explain it. I even called them the “Royal Shakespearean Stick-Figure Academy.”
June 4, 2013 at 7:04 am
This whole event sounds like a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions.
June 5, 2013 at 8:48 am
I agree. It makes me think about that one. With the dad? The king who dies? And the turmoil among the rest of the family? And it all leads to the destruction of the kingdom? You know, “King Lear.”
June 4, 2013 at 7:46 am
Sugar doesn’t cause cancer. If it did, I’d be dead by now.
June 5, 2013 at 8:49 am
Well, based on your avatar, you may have confused sugar with kittens. Common mistake.
June 4, 2013 at 7:57 am
Yep, there’s definitely reason for concern, especially after learning about your character change. Going from FBI agent to drunk guy can’t be good. And, no coffee? That’s an even bigger problem.
June 4, 2013 at 8:11 am
I can’t even film one of my world famous vlogs in under an hour. And without coffee or sugar?? Impossible!
June 5, 2013 at 8:50 am
Yeah, vlogs are agony because they take sooooo long, and then only want to watch the first 20 seconds.
June 4, 2013 at 8:26 am
The Byronic Man trapped in a downward spiral of tape!
June 4, 2013 at 8:39 am
Eek! Where can we send flowers and get-well wishes? I can’t wait until Thursday!
June 5, 2013 at 8:51 am
Just draw stick-figures of them and email them.
June 4, 2013 at 9:38 am
Yes! I like this story!
June 4, 2013 at 9:39 am
Well, except it sucks that you get beaten up… especially by a girl.
June 5, 2013 at 8:51 am
Oh, I’m going to narrowly avoid a beating… but not in a good way.
June 6, 2013 at 11:57 am
Oh, my friend. I read the second half. You certainly got a beating.
June 4, 2013 at 1:31 pm
Hey, I’m thinking this might be your big break, B-Man…in more ways than one. 😉
June 5, 2013 at 8:53 am
Unfortunately, they say you need about 100 big breaks, and my health insurance just isn’t that good.
June 4, 2013 at 2:26 pm
I can’t wait to read the rest of this story!
June 4, 2013 at 2:50 pm
I have a feeling your account of this story is going to be far better than the actual story.
June 4, 2013 at 3:38 pm
ha!
June 5, 2013 at 8:55 am
I hate to speak ill of someone else’s project… but I’m skeptical of its chances. It’s kind of a Buffy/Alias/Sam Spade/Resident Evil thing.
June 4, 2013 at 3:41 pm
I just know this is going to have a happy ending involving you and a Tony. I’m sure this is just how Olivier got his start.
June 5, 2013 at 8:55 am
Except that his stick figures were terrible. Just terrible.
June 4, 2013 at 5:15 pm
Okay, so, A) for some reason I should probably have evaluated by a professional, I believed your stick figure quotes about the perils of sugar and caffeine, but cast all that aside when I read the bit about eight sticks of butter in a restaurant dish. And 2) Once again I must compliment your spacial awareness vis-a-vis quote bubbles. Also I’m glad that guy wasn’t doing MacBeth because you can’t say “MacBeth” and I feel certain that would have made the upcoming part 2 more horrifying.
June 5, 2013 at 8:56 am
I always think that kind of hyperbole does health food a disservice. Isn’t it enough to say that sugar, in excess, leads to X, Y, & Z health problems? And that coffee is tough on the system? Oh well.
June 5, 2013 at 8:14 pm
Blah blah blah cup o’joe and cake, please.
June 4, 2013 at 5:32 pm
Ah! You mean we have to WAIT to see what happens to you and/or your nether regions?! (the expression on your face in the last frame just about killed me)
June 5, 2013 at 9:02 am
If I were a less classy man, less of a gentleman, I might be tempted to make some comment about my nether-regions being worth the wait. Fortunately, I am not so crass a man.
June 5, 2013 at 9:13 am
haha!
June 4, 2013 at 6:25 pm
Can’t wait for Thursday…
June 4, 2013 at 6:39 pm
Your stick people are expressive and humourous. I enjoyed this immensely Mr. Man.
And yes I’m keeping the extra u in there spellcheck, I’m Canadian, we stick Us where they have no business being, like in our neighbours.
June 5, 2013 at 9:03 am
Congress is working on a bill to keep illegal, unlicensed “U’s” out of the States. We didn’t fight the revolution for nothing!
June 4, 2013 at 8:02 pm
Oooh, a fight scene…There is a way to film a fight scene in under an hour – when it’s NOT a stage fight. I hope it didn’t come to that, because even stick figures feel pain when kicked to the groin
June 5, 2013 at 9:00 am
Have you ever seen the awesome movie “They Live”? With Rowdy Roddy Piper? There’s a fight scene in an alley that goes on so long it starts being hilarious. It feels like an hour in real time, but I can’t even imagine how long it took to shoot. Although, it’s a John Carpenter film, and he’s a little nuts so it probably took 3 minutes longer than the running time.
June 5, 2013 at 7:56 pm
I have not seen that movie. Basically, the only movie fight scenes I remember off hand is a blur of Jackie Chan scenes mixed up with outtakes, and possibly something from Die Hard. Oh, and when one of my friends was asked to demostrate a stage fight move to another, and very realistically stage-smashed his head into the table (at a busy restaurant), after which they both returned to their dinner.
June 4, 2013 at 8:34 pm
I am really looking forward to seeing where this goes.
On a related note, I actually believed Anthony’s new show when they said he’d be seeing nice, short days. If fourteen- and sixteen-hour days are short days, then the job definitely fits the bill.
Someday I’ll learn that show biz is not like contracts.
June 5, 2013 at 8:58 am
It’s amazing, because everyone always, 100% of the time, believes what they’re saying when they’re saying it. Because even though it’s taken 3 times longer than expected every time in history, it’s inconceivable that it’ll happen THIS time!
June 5, 2013 at 8:58 am
And I include myself in that statistic.
June 5, 2013 at 3:32 am
No man wants to hear “Ok everyone let’s wrapped this up. Female actress give it all you got this time. Drunk guy the pain on your face is perfect. Kick to groin … TAKE 5!”
June 5, 2013 at 4:31 am
So, I assume you’re still on set, writing these cliff-hangers while icing your nether regions or dunking them in contraband coffee.
June 5, 2013 at 9:05 am
You don’t think that’s rude, do you? That I’m drawing these and writing about everyone as it’s happening?
June 5, 2013 at 5:43 am
I love the comics (Hamlet) – can’t wait for the next post!
June 5, 2013 at 7:09 am
You should tell all your stories this way, big or small. Now I can’t wait for tomorrow!
June 5, 2013 at 9:05 am
I’d love to do more stick figures, but I think it’ll mean posting less. Might be worth it…
June 5, 2013 at 1:37 pm
I can mell these jobs. The vagueness. The shifty eyes when you try to pin someone down to a schedule, a pay rate, anything. My own unfocused but heavy sense of impending doom, knowing this is going to steal a piece of my life then spit it up, leaving it to rot in the sun. No paycheck either. If it gets done at all. No, no, no, no … I’ll never go there anymore. LOVE your presentation.
June 6, 2013 at 6:32 am
Your misfortune is our good luck! Yay for retrospective schadenfraude!
June 10, 2013 at 12:53 am
Hurry up and wait. The first motto I learned after Semper Fi, upon arriving at bootcamp. Hurry up. And wait.
(just like waiting endlessly for the Like buttons to load on wordpress..speaking of which, you’re self hosted. How do you have a Like button??)
June 13, 2013 at 10:35 am
Oh man, I can’t wait to see what’s next! There’s no way this turns out well. . . And the Hamlet stick figure scene reminds me of this bit in Kids in the Hall:
July 23, 2015 at 6:07 pm
Reblogged this on B-Movies In A Book.