What’s Wrong (And Right) (But Mostly Wrong) With The 5-Paragraph Essay

Ah, the 5-paragraph essay.  It’s so great, isn’t it?  It creates a perfect essay, every time. And amazingly, no matter what you want to say – no matter what your point, how simple or how complex, you need exactly 5 paragraphs to do it.  It’s astonishing! 

How to make pasta? 5 paragraphs. 

Explaining how to calculate a rocket launch to land on a distant planet at the exact spot you want it?  5 paragraphs.

The 2 parts of a Tai Chi symbol?  5 paragraphs.

 Okay, you got me. I’m kidding. I’m a kidder! The 5-paragraph essay is often bad.  No, wait, scratch that; it’s worse than bad: It’s fine.  Unsalted cashews fine. An episode of Big Bang Theory when you wanted to watch The Good Place fine.*

Yet we drill it into students to the point that they actually become incapable of stopping.

So why?  

For some students the rigid of a structure is needed. It’s useful on standardized tests, where your writing is being assessed in 60-90 seconds. Uh… it’s… you can… in numerology the #5 is connected to adventure and curiosity!

Oh, man, that’s ironic.

Anyway…

It was good to learn it, it was.  And it’s worth teaching!  I think! Maybe! It really is.  Hurray for teaching the 5-paragraph essay!  And there’s a time and place for it. 

So, then, what’s the problem…

What’s Wrong (and Right) (But Mostly Wrong) With The 5-Paragraph Essay

*Okay, to be fair, I’ve never seen The Big Bang Theory.**  It could be brilliant.  

**You know what’s weird?  I don’t know anyone who’s seen it.  It was on for, like 30 years on a major network and not one person I know has ever watched it.