Resolutions For 2017
1. Eat entire sandwich, get “I finished the Heart-Buster” shirt and face on Wall Of Fame.
2. Finish “Resolutions For 2016” (note to self – probably exclude #3: Finish “Resolutions For 2015”).
3. Learn in-laws’ names.
4. Say “President Trump” out loud without getting vertigo, shaking and/or suddenly thinking I smell burnt toast.
5. Learn to slow down and live in the moment.
6. Do more of everything and do it all better all the time. A lot better.
7. Get all celebrities I care about in to death-proof bunker.
8. Take in car for maintenance, or at least buy new black tape to cover the Check Engine light.
9. Quit smoking (note to self: will need to start smoking).
10. Be ninth caller, win concert tickets.
11. Been to paradise (Resolutions For 2007, # 4), but still never been to me.
12. Read all books. All important books. Some important books. An imp–… A book.
13. Figure out what these Eye Pods are that everyone’s been talking about.
14. Stop falling for every goofball apocalypse prediction that comes along.
15. Stop paying ridiculous rental interest rates and finally buy own toothbrush.
16. Win breakdance competition and save rec center from evil developer.
17. Still have a functioning planet on which to have resolutions for 2018.
The Byronic Man 
January 1, 2017 at 2:06 pm
All solid and sensible resolutions. Except number 17. No chance of that happening. Number three does sound like a lot of effort – are you sure it’s worth it?
January 3, 2017 at 8:59 am
I might just come up with clever nicknames. “Shiny-nose.” “Eats red meat with every meal man.” “Ol’ Thinks I’m Incompetent At Everything.”
January 3, 2017 at 7:41 pm
“You-know-who” or “He who must not be named” have worked well in similar circumstances. Definitely make sure you don’t say his name three times while looking into a mirror…
January 1, 2017 at 2:19 pm
Never been to paradise? That’s not 2007. That’s more 1983. For the record, I HAD that record. I will show myself out.
January 3, 2017 at 8:59 am
Might want to stay inside. I heard it’s raining men out there.
January 3, 2017 at 9:23 am
And now it’s stuck in my head. Thanks for that. I’ll get you.
January 1, 2017 at 2:34 pm
Oh Joel…..how I love these posts !!
January 1, 2017 at 2:38 pm
Priceless… and sooo relatable! I especially like items four and twelve.
January 3, 2017 at 9:02 am
I could also specify to read a book without falling asleep every 3 pages. That’s been a recurrent problem since having kids.
January 3, 2017 at 9:21 am
Ah, yes. Kids bring us so many perks.
January 1, 2017 at 2:38 pm
And I just got my wings?! Yay!!!
January 3, 2017 at 9:06 am
There are so many reasons to come to this website, aren’t there?
January 3, 2017 at 9:22 am
Yes, and to think it was sooo easy!
January 1, 2017 at 4:36 pm
I’m still stuck at number 4. Those words tend to do that to me.
Happy New Year!
January 3, 2017 at 9:01 am
Yeah, I actually can’t say it. My brain keeps saying those words don’t go together.
January 1, 2017 at 5:40 pm
Amen to #17 🤕 Hope 2017 doesn’t suck as much as we expect.
January 3, 2017 at 9:02 am
It’s hard to feel like “Ah! A new year! A chance to begin again!” isn’t it?
January 3, 2017 at 9:48 am
Yeah. I’d prefer to redo 2016 and make it suck less, but I can’t quite figure it how!
January 1, 2017 at 7:32 pm
Don’t do #5. If you learn to slow down, you won’t get through even half of your list.
January 3, 2017 at 9:03 am
I actually really like what Bill Walton once said: “Go fast, but don’t hurry.”
January 1, 2017 at 8:34 pm
Don’t forget an air source for your death-proof bunker 😉
January 3, 2017 at 9:03 am
Hm, I don’t know… there’s a lot of bad stuff in the air…
January 2, 2017 at 10:04 am
I think #17 will be darn near impossible considering #4. I think we should all concentrate on #7.
January 2, 2017 at 11:25 am
You forgot #18: Make all of your readers smile, laugh, and generally feel better even though previous resolution is likely gonna fail..
You can check #18 off now – and that means you’re all done!!! You’re welcome.
January 3, 2017 at 9:40 am
Well thanks… I’m going to have to save that one for next year, though. Or eliminate one of these… got to keep the numbers accurate.
January 2, 2017 at 1:31 pm
I’m sure that there are some very good tutorials for those Eye Pods on the Ewe Tube. Good luck with your 17 revolutions, er, resolutions! 😉
January 3, 2017 at 9:05 am
Is it true they have Ewe Tube on the Internet now? I can’t seem to find it at the store anywhere.
January 3, 2017 at 3:16 pm
It’s hard to find. One of those artisanal things, like cheeses and light bulbs.
January 2, 2017 at 2:56 pm
Charlene forever.
January 3, 2017 at 9:41 am
She’s poised for a comeback, I tell ya. Poised.
January 3, 2017 at 7:24 am
Death-proof bunker??
I’ve upgraded my 2016 one (resolve to not make new year’s resolutions) to this: Resolve to continue to annually resolve to make no resolutions.
Consistency. It’s important.
January 3, 2017 at 9:05 am
That’s definitely been my MO with creating resolutions and then forgetting them. I did really like a friend of mine some years ago who was asked his resolution, and after a moment of thought, said, “Smoke more.”
January 21, 2017 at 4:02 am
Your 4th resolution is hilarious. Completely impossible. but hilarious
January 27, 2018 at 5:30 am
These sound fun, not at all what I was expecting👍🏼
March 1, 2018 at 9:32 am
I come back after YEARS and it turns out everyone else has gone too! Where d’you go?