So this year’s presidential campaign is obviously insane. I think we all keep waiting for it to get sane, and the waiting only makes us crazier. I needed a candidate I could believe in. And after an exhaustive search, I’ve found me! Me: a candidate I believe in.
And so should you. Why?
When I am president, everyone gets 53 exclamation marks a year to use. One per week, and one just for funsies. That’s it. After that, you get taxed, heavily.
While I’m campaigning I will loudly and repeatedly assert that it is time for a change, because I know people like to be told that. Once I am elected, though, I promise not to, in fact, try and change anything, because I know that actual change scares people.
I believe in running the government like a business. I also believe in running a business a like a school, running health care like a church, and running a lawn-mower like a dish-washer.
You should know that, as a candidate, I believe in freedom. I will stand by that, even in the face of people who accuse me of supporting something so whole-heartedly.
There’s a lot of discord and anger in The United States right now. We need a calming voice to bridge the divide and return reason. So, in the spirit of FDR’s “Fireside Chats”, I would have a weekly series to calm the waters. I’d either call it “America: Many Voices, One People,” or “Oh My God; Just Shut Up, America. Seriously.” I haven’t decided which.
The State of the Union will be movie night. Maybe “Kongressional Karaoke.” Because The State of the Union? Ugh. Snore. But if I said, “My fellow Americans, the state of the union is… Sixteen Candles!”? Now you’re paying attention.
I’m a political outsider. Many politicians claim that, and then you find out they have “experience” and “connections” and “understand the political process.” I have never held an elected position of any kind and have no idea how the government works. The only thing I know about “Isis” is from The Shazam! Hour on Saturday morning cartoons, and the term “SCOTUS” just makes me giggle. That is my promise to you.
I will never stoop to negative campaigning, unlike certain despicable, low-life, lying candidates I could name. If independent groups with vaguely patriotic names – groups I have no knowledge of or affiliation with – decide to run ignorant, vicious ads, well, there’s just nothing I can do to stop them.
I will pick a vice-presidential candidate who is photogenic, funny, and quite possibly clinically insane. I’m not sure why Americans go for this but, hey, who am I to rock the boat.
There will be 4 more seasons of Firefly when I am president. Mark my words.
“Walls” seems to be a big thing for everyone right now. Some want ’em, some hate ’em. I’d learn more about why people are so excited about walls, but I’m concerned that would damage my status as an “outsider.” So, fine, I will create an initiative to put walls around individuals who want them. Does that solve the problem?
Have I mentioned freedom? That I’m for it? I have? Oh, good.
Byronic Man 2016: Because, Hey, He’d Vote For You.