17 New Year’s Resolutions For 2017:

January 1, 2017

Humor

Resolutions For 2017

1. Eat entire sandwich, get “I finished the Heart-Buster” shirt and face on Wall Of Fame.

2. Finish “Resolutions For 2016” (note to self – probably exclude #3: Finish “Resolutions For 2015”).

3. Learn in-laws’ names.

4. Say “President Trump” out loud without getting vertigo, shaking and/or suddenly thinking I smell burnt toast.

5. Learn to slow down and live in the moment.

6. Do more of everything and do it all better all the time.  A lot better.

7.  Get all celebrities I care about in to death-proof bunker.

8. Take in car for maintenance, or at least buy new black tape to cover the Check Engine light.

9. Quit smoking (note to self: will need to start smoking).

10. Be ninth caller, win concert tickets.

11. Been to paradise (Resolutions For 2007, # 4), but still never been to me.

12. Read all books.  All important books.  Some important books.  An imp–… A book.

13. Figure out what these Eye Pods are that everyone’s been talking about.

14. Stop falling for every goofball apocalypse prediction that comes along.

15. Stop paying ridiculous rental interest rates and finally buy own toothbrush.

16. Win breakdance competition and save rec center from evil developer.

17. Still have a functioning planet on which to have resolutions for 2018.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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30 Comments on “17 New Year’s Resolutions For 2017:”

  1. James Says:

    All solid and sensible resolutions. Except number 17. No chance of that happening. Number three does sound like a lot of effort – are you sure it’s worth it?

    Reply

  2. becomingcliche Says:

    Never been to paradise? That’s not 2007. That’s more 1983. For the record, I HAD that record. I will show myself out.

    Reply

  3. Deli Lanoux, Ed.D. Says:

    Priceless… and sooo relatable! I especially like items four and twelve.

    Reply

  4. Deli Lanoux, Ed.D. Says:

    And I just got my wings?! Yay!!!

    Reply

  5. Life With The Top Down Says:

    I’m still stuck at number 4. Those words tend to do that to me.
    Happy New Year!

    Reply

  6. Elyse Says:

    Amen to #17 🤕 Hope 2017 doesn’t suck as much as we expect.

    Reply

  7. List of X Says:

    Don’t do #5. If you learn to slow down, you won’t get through even half of your list.

    Reply

  8. Jay E. Says:

    Don’t forget an air source for your death-proof bunker 😉

    Reply

  9. Judah First Says:

    You forgot #18: Make all of your readers smile, laugh, and generally feel better even though previous resolution is likely gonna fail..

    You can check #18 off now – and that means you’re all done!!! You’re welcome.

    Reply

  10. Lorna's Voice Says:

    I’m sure that there are some very good tutorials for those Eye Pods on the Ewe Tube. Good luck with your 17 revolutions, er, resolutions! 😉

    Reply

  11. rossmurray1 Says:

    Charlene forever.

    Reply

  12. BrainRants Says:

    Death-proof bunker??
    I’ve upgraded my 2016 one (resolve to not make new year’s resolutions) to this: Resolve to continue to annually resolve to make no resolutions.

    Consistency. It’s important.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      That’s definitely been my MO with creating resolutions and then forgetting them. I did really like a friend of mine some years ago who was asked his resolution, and after a moment of thought, said, “Smoke more.”

      Reply

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