So this year’s presidential campaign is obviously insane. I think we all keep waiting for it to get sane, and the waiting only makes us crazier. I needed a candidate I could believe in. And after an exhaustive search, I’ve found me! Me: a candidate I believe in.
And so should you. Why?
When I am president, everyone gets 53 exclamation marks a year to use. One per week, and one just for funsies. That’s it. After that, you get taxed, heavily.
While I’m campaigning I will loudly and repeatedly assert that it is time for a change, because I know people like to be told that. Once I am elected, though, I promise not to, in fact, try and change anything, because I know that actual change scares people.
And lemonade stands? Should be run like car washes.
I believe in running the government like a business. I also believe in running a business a like a school, running health care like a church, and running a lawn-mower like a dish-washer.
You should know that, as a candidate, I believe in freedom. I will stand by that, even in the face of people who accuse me of supporting something so whole-heartedly.
There’s a lot of discord and anger in The United States right now. We need a calming voice to bridge the divide and return reason. So, in the spirit of FDR’s “Fireside Chats”, I would have a weekly series to calm the waters. I’d either call it “America: Many Voices, One People,” or “Oh My God; Just Shut Up, America. Seriously.” I haven’t decided which.
The State of the Union will be movie night. Maybe “Kongressional Karaoke.” Because The State of the Union? Ugh. Snore. But if I said, “My fellow Americans, the state of the union is… Sixteen Candles!”? Now you’re paying attention.
I’m a political outsider. Many politicians claim that, and then you find out they have “experience” and “connections” and “understand the political process.” I have never held an elected position of any kind and have no idea how the government works. The only thing I know about “Isis” is from The Shazam! Hour on Saturday morning cartoons, and the term “SCOTUS” just makes me giggle. That is my promise to you.
Hm, these unflattering photos with vague, inflammatory, out-of-context accusations make an interesting point, though…
I will never stoop to negative campaigning, unlike certain despicable, low-life, lying candidates I could name. If independent groups with vaguely patriotic names – groups I have no knowledge of or affiliation with – decide to run ignorant, vicious ads, well, there’s just nothing I can do to stop them.
I will pick a vice-presidential candidate who is photogenic, funny, and quite possibly clinically insane. I’m not sure why Americans go for this but, hey, who am I to rock the boat.
There will be 4 more seasons of Firefly when I am president. Mark my words.
“Walls” seems to be a big thing for everyone right now. Some want ’em, some hate ’em. I’d learn more about why people are so excited about walls, but I’m concerned that would damage my status as an “outsider.” So, fine, I will create an initiative to put walls around individuals who want them. Does that solve the problem?
Have I mentioned freedom? That I’m for it? I have? Oh, good.
Byronic Man 2016: Because, Hey, He’d Vote For You.
The Byronic Man 
March 14, 2016 at 5:11 am
You really got me with Firefly.
March 14, 2016 at 9:11 am
It’s all about knowing the electorate. And getting in to power in order to get things I want.
March 14, 2016 at 5:36 am
If you truly promise this: “Oh My God; Just Shut Up, America. Seriously.” — I will be your campaign manager. And give you all my money. Because seriously, just shut up, America.
March 14, 2016 at 9:12 am
Wait until you see the new wording I have in mind for the second amendment. There’s profanity.
March 14, 2016 at 9:26 am
I will rob banks to fund your campaign if that is the case!
March 14, 2016 at 5:38 am
I’m voting for you, strictly on the basis of your FIREFLY platform.
March 14, 2016 at 6:07 am
You got me at four more seasons of Firefly.
March 14, 2016 at 9:14 am
Plus my re-election already has a built-in promise!
March 14, 2016 at 6:53 am
Three out of four comments have been shiney about the whole Firefly thing.
I’m concerned you only promise 4 more seasons…
It’s that kind of half-assed pandering to populist concerns that has gotten us in this gorram mess to begin with…
Get off the fence, Mr. Candidate…!!!
Twelve more seasons, or nothing…
Besides, have you seen Mal lately?
Kinda let himself go.
Put on a bit of the ol’ poundage…
Seriously…
He’s a cow.
March 14, 2016 at 9:13 am
Here’s my reasoning: Mssr. Whedon seems to work in 5-season arcs, in line with 5-act dramatic structure. 1 down, 4 to go.
March 14, 2016 at 6:57 am
I’m not sure how you’re going to push the law about the exclamation marks through today’s divided Congress. Maybe you could start with the Exclamation Proclamation.
And yes, Four More Seasons! Four More Seasons!
March 14, 2016 at 9:15 am
I intend to distract them with legislation calling for, frankly, draconian penalties for overusing “Reply All” and labeling emails “urgent”.
March 14, 2016 at 8:23 am
Ooh! And how about walling in the obnoxious?!!
March 14, 2016 at 5:42 pm
What about Dr. Horrible 2, though? Now that’s the kind of thing that could get me on board…
March 14, 2016 at 8:29 pm
You had me at Firefly… I’ll be in my bunk.
March 15, 2016 at 5:58 am
I am not a citizen of your country.
That’s all I have to say.
March 15, 2016 at 7:51 am
That’s a central part of my strategy – see, most candidates focus all their attention on getting the votes of the citizens of their particular country. But why limit myself? Thinking globally – I could get literally billions of votes!
April 1, 2016 at 4:22 pm
Yay! That solves the problem, because I wanted badly to vote for you the moment the word ‘Firefly’ appeared con the text 😉
March 23, 2016 at 11:35 am
I really wish I’d read this post before I used up 3 of my exclamation points with my last comment.