Wow, all these superhero movies. They’re everywhere aren’t they? And they just keep being wildly popular. But these superhero movies… they’re lacking something… a certain je ne sais quoi… well, actually, I do sais quoi: they’re lacking me!
Yes, the time has come for a Byronic Man superhero movie. And not just because the name sounds like a superhero (though, seriously, isn’t that enough?), but for so, so many reasons.
But why should you, please, hire me to be your movie superhero?
If you’re more in the mood for a retro-80s pun hero? “Hey! Time to get pressed!” then I hit him with an iron.
I’m versatile. Maybe it’s all about being gritty and serious. Maybe you want a more lighthearted “quippy” hero. I can do whatever. So, let’s say some villain says, “I shall rule this world with an iron fist!” I can reply “You will be no more than dust” if you want full gritty; or with a more whimsical, “Maybe they’ll let you rule the laundry room at San Quentin.” Whichever suits your needs.
An interesting back story. As a child, I worked hard to be shy and mild-mannered. Then something dramatic happened. Oh, how dramatic. And I made sure that the event was one that would fuel my insatiable quest for justice. It transformed me and haunts me in a way that shows up in flashbacks.
From superhero movies, I know that people are constantly trying to destroy the planet, for some reason. Anything less than that is waste of superhero time. So I won’t let myself be distracted by natural disasters, terrorism, famine, human trafficking, or villains who are just committing boring old genocide. Got to stay fresh for the next apocalypse!
No need to thank me, citizens!
I will make sure to destroy every building and recognizable landmark I see in pursuit of the bad guys. Even if I have to make a side trip. Villain’s in Ethiopia? Heck, Egypt’s just up the road! Let’s go smash some pyramids!
I’ve already picked out the piece of music to play during my training montage.
“Hey look at my radioactive electricity generator! Look closer! Closer…”
I’m constantly doing wildly dangerous science experiments. That way, when they go horribly wrong, they not only either create a super-villain or mutate me, they give me some handy guilt to fuel my quest.
I also frequently invite my close friends over to see these science experiments, increasing the likelihood that they’ll get mutated and so my closest friend becomes… my greatest enemy.
As a kid, I really thought that the reason there were no superheroes was because as people grew up they stopped believing it was possible, and I promised myself I would never quit believing I could be a superhero. Did I keep believing? Did it work? Or is it just a heartbreaking example of how the infinite optimism of youth withers under the weight of grizzled maturity? One way to find out!
The Byronic Man 
May 25, 2015 at 6:42 am
WalterMittyesque for today’s times (and needs), eh?
May 25, 2015 at 6:44 am
What about sidekicks? You need a sidekick to provide witty commentary while you go after the supervillain (“Holy Etruscan snoods, Byronic Man!”). Failing that, a sidekick might also be kidnapped by the supervillain and used as part of a sadistic choice gambit, forcing you to either save the sidekick or the world.
May 26, 2015 at 2:59 pm
Seems like modern superhero movies don’t want the sidekick as much as an older mentor figure who can impart folksy wisdom. Then maybe die, so I can avenge them. Maybe my sidekick can be an older relative?
May 25, 2015 at 8:20 am
You also need a special talent. Can you fly? Leap tall buildings in a single bound? Stop a speeding bullet? Release webs through a strange portal in your wrist? Definitely include this on your superhero C.V.
May 25, 2015 at 2:19 pm
I’d co-opt the Rocky training montage music myself. Also, you might consider skipping the movie and going straight into the merch with the Byronic Man Action Figure. Add on the Burger King kids meal tie-ins and an end cap or two at Wal Mart – you’re done.
May 26, 2015 at 3:00 pm
I bet you could market a movie’s toys, shirts, etc and never release the actual movie and a sizable percentage of fans wouldn’t notice.
May 25, 2015 at 2:23 pm
A superhero movie staring you would be the only one I’d waste my money on. Errrrr, that didn’t come out quite right, did it?
May 25, 2015 at 8:44 pm
Loved this.
May 26, 2015 at 4:07 am
You thinking cape or tights?
May 26, 2015 at 3:01 pm
I’m okay with a cape. Tights are good in theory, but… Maybe body armor…
May 26, 2015 at 3:08 pm
So you’re leaning more towards some sort of super Spanx over just plain old leotard then?
May 26, 2015 at 4:49 am
Ah, now I have a new euphemism for when I get out of the shower. “Superhero Fresh!”
May 26, 2015 at 7:20 am
I don’t know… Sometimes my expectations for superheroes and a boyfriend (if I have one) are sometimes the same.
May 26, 2015 at 3:03 pm
Should probably date a superhero. “I just want someone to listen to me, whether it’s because I’ve had a hard day, or because I’ve been strapped to a bomb at the top of the Statue of Liberty.”
May 27, 2015 at 12:44 pm
God I love your writing! 🙂 I always totally laugh out loud when I read one of your posts. That said – I would totally go see a movie about Byronic Man. The quips alone would be worth it let alone the possibility of a sidekick or older mentor type person and who knows about the villain! The possibilities are endless. I’m thinking the comic book line would be pretty awesome too. Then you could be featured at all those various Comic-Con events. Just saying.
July 17, 2015 at 5:23 am
Don’t forget to chew shawarma while half the world is starving! Hilairious article.