This is a recent, and real, posting on Craigslist, here where I live. I’ve kept it exactly as is, except for removing information which might reveal identity or contact information:
In need of a time travel companion (please take this seriously)
I have a functioning time machine I know it sounds unbelievable, but “I assure you it works.” I need a second person to operate it with me. I’m looking for someone who is adventurous and reliable. Preferably a female that can do heavy lifting.
I am leaving on July 31st, in the morning and plan to return August 3rd. I am going to June 1988 to handle some business. If you are serious about time travel and are reliable, then please contact me.
You do not have to pay anything, but you will need to pack light. I will be conducting interviews in the next couple of days. The only qualifications needed are that you are reliable and that the circumferance of your head is no more than 64cm.
Please send me an email along with a picture of you on an adventure.
**
This is followed by 2 photos: one of, presumably, the time-travel machine:
The second, of someone – presumably the advertiser/inventor/time-traveler – holding a fish he has just caught.
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your ad for a time-travel companion. First off, let me say congratulations on creating a working time-machine. Kudos, sir. Kudos.
I have some questions, but first let me give you my qualifications: First, I’m very serious about time-travel. I have seen The Terminator & T2, Star Trek IV, as well as having read HG Wells’ The Time Machine. That’s right, a book. But that’s not the extent of my seriousness. I have also seen Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Time Cop – the entire thing. No one who isn’t deadly serious about time travel could make such a claim, I’m sure you’ll agree.
Oh, Time Cop, right, the one with the splits and the cupboard… that one.
Now, I’m not female, so hopefully their isn’t a crucial estrogen element to the function of the machine, but I am up for heavy lifting (is the lifting for the machine, or for the “business” in 1988? Sorry, I said I’d save my questions), and am willing to dress in drag, if need be.
Okay, fine, sure… but does she have a tub of Dippity-Do? Didn’t think so.
In addition, since we’re going to 1988 we’re going to need to fit in; I happen to have the INXS album Kick on cassette, a can of Jolt Cola, and an unopened tub of Dippity-Do styling gel I’ve been holding onto just in case such an opportunity should arise (to think people said I was being ridiculous!). I’d like to think that this experience and preparedness would be things I could bring to the table that someone else, even a heavy-lifting female, could not.
Now, if you’ll permit me, I do have just a couple questions. Little things, really:
First, the fish picture. Is the fish connected to the running of the time machine in some way, or is it pertaining to the business in 1988? I mostly ask because if you are seeking vengeance of some sort on this fish, well, I suggest you take a quick peek at the ending of Moby Dick.
It ends badly, my friend. It ends badly.
Second, I am a little concerned about the dial on the outside of the time machine – assuming this is for sealing it up, who’s going to close it? Are you going alone, and just need a second person to close it? Because this would affect my packing.
Third. Why return 3 days later? I don’t mean any criticism, it just seems that one of the perks of a time travel machine would be to come back… you know… immediately. Are you going for a sort of ‘Christ’ metaphor? Or will your business in 1988 take 3 days and you don’t want everyone staring at you on your next birthday when you just don’t look quite old enough. Juuuust not quite old enough.
Fourth, this business you need to handle in June of 1988. Assuming it’s not fish-vengeance, I’m up for just about anything, though I’m wondering: is this something that will disrupt the space-time continuum, thus creating a temporal paradox that will unravel the fabric of the universe destroying all life and existence itself? Because this, too, will affect my packing.
Lastly, and I’m sorry for so many questions, please don’t take it as a commentary on your ad being vague or confusing in some way:
The right hat makes all the difference. No hat? Just some dude.
About the head-size thing. Are there hats involved? I do like a good hat. Is it simply that you dislike people with large heads? Is it connected to the fish from the picture in some way? Are you insecure about the size of your own head? My head is a pretty standard, slightly on the large-side, 61 centimeters (roughly – I had trouble seeing the ruler as I turned it around my head), but my body circumference is larger that this, so hopefully that isn’t the size of the tube.
Thank you for your time, and again, really, congratulations. This whole thing is, I can say with total sincerity and honesty, jaw-dropping.
The Byronic Man 
July 28, 2014 at 5:26 am
B-man, I’m pretty sure the time machine is legit, because the fish in the second photo has been extinct for 200 million years.
July 28, 2014 at 5:07 pm
UNTIL NOW.
July 28, 2014 at 5:35 am
Maybe the fish is the real brains behind the time machine.
July 28, 2014 at 5:08 pm
Hm, I wonder where a fish would want to go. Maybe back to the first fish who crawled on to land, so he could tell him, “Don’t. Just… don’t. Seriously.”
July 28, 2014 at 5:41 am
Could you bring me back a Betamax when you return? I’ve got these tapes of Live Aid that I’m never going to be able to watch again. It’s tragic, really.
July 28, 2014 at 5:09 pm
Maybe that’s why he’s going back – so he can tape Live Aid on his iPod. Easier than converting the tape.
July 28, 2014 at 5:48 am
Based on that application, I would say you are totally in. Although, you seem to have neglected to include a picture of you on an adventure, as requested, so I hope that doesn’t take you out of the running. There are rules for time travel, my friend. Rules that must be followed.
July 28, 2014 at 5:10 pm
I sent him a copy of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, explaining that I’m the one with dark hair.
July 29, 2014 at 9:42 pm
if the application is accepted, he could take a picture of THAT adventure and post it upon return, but three days earlier
July 28, 2014 at 7:27 am
The three-day thing is critical. What if you have a dog or cat to feed? It would be much more convenient to return home on the same day so you could take care of it yourself, rather than trying to explain a time-traveling absence to a neighbor. It would also be nice if he could take someone along who has unfinished 1988 business. For me, that would be an ideal time to order the wedding cake that I forgot to take care of. Would make for much better pictures, if in fact the pictures already in my album would change. OK, I’m done, my head hurts.
July 28, 2014 at 6:24 pm
Maybe he’s having painting or fumigating done or something, and has to be out of the house anyway so he figures, you know… might as well do a little time traveling…
July 28, 2014 at 8:14 am
Had to measure my own head which is, um, considerably less than 64 cm (25 13/64 inches for Yanks like me). Now he’s got me wondering what a person with a head larger than 64 cm would look like. Humpty Dumpty? Many thanks for helping me waste 10 perfectly good minutes.
July 28, 2014 at 5:11 pm
Maybe he’s just prejudiced against people with encephalitis.
July 28, 2014 at 8:53 am
It looks like you made it under the wire for head size. I’m pretty sure my head is bigger than that. I have a lot of trouble finding hats that fit.
July 28, 2014 at 9:15 am
Ah, the wonders of the delusional Craigslist ad. Be forewarned – the entertainment usually stops there as they normally don’t reply even if you sound sincere. Trust me, I’ve tried. 😉
July 28, 2014 at 6:21 pm
WHAT is the deal with people not replying on Craigslist?? HOW hard is it to email or text and say, “Sorry, it’s sold” or whatever. RUDE.
July 28, 2014 at 9:57 am
I’m so disappointed that the machine is not a DeLorean.
July 28, 2014 at 6:22 pm
I know, not a Delorean, not a phone booth… very suspicious.
July 28, 2014 at 10:25 am
‘Jaw dropping’ is an understatement. If you get the gig, make sure you call me while you’re in 1988 and tell me to dump that guy I’m seeing because LOSER.
July 28, 2014 at 6:23 pm
Oh jeez, it wasn’t me, was it?
July 28, 2014 at 10:43 am
I was motivated to do a quick web search for what newsworthy things occurred in June of 1988. Here are a couple of them: June 6, 1988 – 3 giant turtles were found living in a Bronx sewer plant. June 20, 1988 – Price Is Right model Janice Dickinson is knocked out by a camera. I also considered that maybe he needed to go back to June to stop something which might not be happening until the next month or so. The only thing I could find in July was this: July 31, 1988 – Last Playboy Club closes (Lansing, Michigan).
Connections? The time travel is scheduled for a period suspiciously close to the present day release of the new Ninja Turtle movie. A coincidence? As far as Janice Dickinson getting KO’ed by a camera, it’s possible that hit on the noggin was what knocked the screw loose that put her on the plastic surgery binge ever since. Why our time traveler would care so much about Ms.Dickinson’s body dysmorphia remains a mystery. As for the Playboy Club, we could assume that our intrepid time traveler attended Michigan State as a young man. He was bilked into buying a pile of drink coupons for the Playboy Club in September of 1988, during his freshman year. Word quickly spread through the dorm of his foolish purchase for drink coupons at a club which had been closed for several months. He vowed then and there to invent a time machine and travel back to redeem his coupons. Vengeance would be his at last, and he’d have his fill of Alabama Slammers.
July 28, 2014 at 6:23 pm
All excellent theories, although you glossed over a big one: I graduated from high school in June 1988. It’s possible I’m the problem. If not, I have a few choice words for newly matriculated me.
July 28, 2014 at 7:25 pm
For the record, you looked pretty chummy with that fish.
July 28, 2014 at 5:27 pm
I think he should hire you, based on the JCVD-split-on-the-kitchen-counter picture alone!
August 1, 2014 at 3:29 pm
Well, sure. That’s how I get most of my jobs.
July 29, 2014 at 2:16 am
I would pay good money to be in that room on July 31st.
August 1, 2014 at 3:30 pm
It would really be a “cover your eyes but peek through your fingers” situation, wouldn’t it. And wouldn’t you, in some part of your heart, hope hope hope that it worked?
July 29, 2014 at 3:19 am
This guy obviously needs your space/time continuum expertise since he can’t return the day he left. I have a sneaking suspicion he’s far more into fish-fondling than quantum physics, so you’d better ask him for his head size before going any further.
August 1, 2014 at 3:31 pm
He is awfully vague about his own head…
July 29, 2014 at 6:35 am
I’m concerned about the use of quotation marks around the assertion “I assure you it works.” What is he implying? And why are we assuming the inventor is a “he?” Would that change your mind about applying?
July 31, 2014 at 6:50 pm
Yeah, I wondered about that, too. Is he quoting someone? “As Mother Theresa once said…”? And based on the photo before I blacked out the face, I’m reasonably confident it’s a “he.”
July 29, 2014 at 9:50 pm
Reblogged this on J S Mehner and commented:
I may have to become a Craigslist troll
July 30, 2014 at 12:28 pm
To think, I spend all this money on cable TV. I should just read Craig’s List. Way cheaper.
August 1, 2014 at 3:31 pm
Until you go broke buying things you don’t need.
July 30, 2014 at 2:08 pm
If you are selected, remember to hydrate and pack condoms.
August 1, 2014 at 3:31 pm
Pretty good rules for daily life, really.
July 31, 2014 at 5:00 pm
Unfortunately I will be attending Infantry School in Ft. Benning, GA so don’t call me, no personal calls.
Good call on the book thing these scientist are just not as well read nowadays. Maybe you should just send him the Cliff notes on Moby Dick.
(although if you could drop me a post card to my parents house and tell me to wear shoes in August, it would save me 6 days in the hospital from a Brown Recluse Spider bite)
August 2, 2014 at 3:55 pm
I’m already flying through time on these pills I’m taking! I’m only doing what it says on the label: ‘Take as many as you like, whenever you feel like it…’ Sometimes I sleep for months; on and off of corpse! :O(
August 17, 2014 at 7:16 pm
Excellent response, certain to work. One teensy quibble:
No MALE who isn’t deadly serious about time travel could make such a claim…
This straight female enjoys the h#ll out of that film. Especially that split. And the one with the trucks.
September 4, 2014 at 9:12 am
laughed the whole time, needed that today..thanks!
September 25, 2014 at 12:40 pm
Time travel is serious business. He needs to be stricter with his qualifications. I mean, he didn’t even mention hand size or foot size!
October 3, 2014 at 7:40 pm
That’s a solid application. I see no reason why you didn’t get the position.
November 1, 2014 at 8:10 pm
Lol…the ad is funny. Your take on it is funnier. I enjoyed it.
December 27, 2014 at 5:26 pm
Reblogged this on Cowgirl with a Dream and commented:
I want to go time traveling! Lol. But only in a DeLorean, so I this wouldn’t work for me…