Title: Eat, Pray, Love ; Rejected Title: Read, Binge, Sulk
“And Then You Think Someone Dies, So You Cross Them Off And Then They Come Back And, I Mean, Come On…”
Title: 100 Years Of Solitude; Rejected Title: 100 Years of People With The Same Name So You Can’t Keep Track Of Squat
Title: The Great Gatsby; Rejected Title: How Gatsby Got His Groove Back (and then got shot in a swimming pool)
Title: Things Fall Apart; Rejected Title: F*** You, Whitey
Title: 1,000 Places To See Before You Die; Rejected Title: 973 Places You Won’t See Before You Die
Title: Love In The Time Of Cholera; Rejected Title: I Love You So Mu—EEWWW!! What The Hell’s Coming Out Of You??!!
Title: Lord Of The Flies; Rejected Title: Life’s A Bitch And Then You Crush Piggy With A Big Rock
Also rejected: “Who Loves Bunnies!?”
Title: Of Mice And Men; Rejected Title: The Best Laid Plans Of Mice And Men… Something Something… Hey, How Does The Rest of That Go? You Never Hear Anyone Say The Whole Thing. Anyway, Lenny Dies At The End And It’s REALLY Sad.
Title: 50 Shades Of Gray; Rejected Title: I Writed A Book That’s Vary Durty!
The Byronic Man 
June 23, 2014 at 4:07 am
I like the rejected titles! Great post.
June 23, 2014 at 1:27 pm
It actually would be interesting to know what some real rejected tittles of great books were, now that I think about it…
June 23, 2014 at 4:10 am
Read, Binge, Sulk would have been SO much better!
June 23, 2014 at 1:28 pm
Certainly more relatable.
June 23, 2014 at 4:15 am
War And Peace: one hundred million pages of boring and war.
June 23, 2014 at 1:29 pm
Literally, every new line, when I thought “Okay, what book next?” I’d pop to Seinfeld’s “The original title of War & Peace was ‘War: What is it good for?'”
June 23, 2014 at 4:26 am
This is just the laugh I needed on a Monday morning (though any day would do)! 😀
PS “Love In The Time Of Cholera” rejected title was surely longer than that. I seem to remember my impression of that book as “Feels Like One Long Run-On Sentence.”
June 23, 2014 at 1:30 pm
It is a strangely non-magical, non-soaring phrase for Marquez.
June 23, 2014 at 4:54 am
All good summer beach reads.
Really.
June 23, 2014 at 1:31 pm
I think Don Quixote is the perfect beach read, because then when you get a little ways in, and realize how boring it is, you can “accidentally” drop it in the ocean.
June 23, 2014 at 2:47 pm
Lol at my office desk at this
June 23, 2014 at 5:17 am
These are hysterical!!
>
June 23, 2014 at 5:28 am
I wonder which of the 27 places are just fillers. . .
June 23, 2014 at 1:33 pm
It seems like there’s always a *few* you’ve seen. It almost makes it worse. If they were all expensive or far away, you’d forget about it. But there’s juuuuuust enough “Hey, I’ve been there!” moments to make you feel like a loser who never travels.
June 23, 2014 at 5:46 am
I’m adding all of these to my 973 Books to Read While Visiting Good Places to Die.
June 23, 2014 at 1:35 pm
You know, the town I live in has been named one of America’s best places to die many times (by whomever makes such a list), which sounds kind of bad ass, until you realize it just means there’s lots of non-terrifying nursing homes and doctors.
June 23, 2014 at 5:57 am
With the 1,000 places book, it’s actually more like, “Hey, I’ve been there! Now that’s one less place I need to feel guilty about never putting down this bag of cheetos and getting off my couch to actually go see!”
June 23, 2014 at 1:35 pm
Which then gets compounded by pages of “I’m a loser. I’m a loser. I’m a loser. I’m a loser. I’m a loser. I’m a loser. I’m a loser. I’m a loser. Hey, I’ve been there! I’m a loser. I’m a loser. I’m a loser. I’m a loser…”
June 23, 2014 at 6:03 am
Yep. The last one. Yep. Nailed it. Not in a euphemistic way, either.
June 23, 2014 at 1:37 pm
It’s very sad that the checks the author receives aren’t as phony as the literature.
June 23, 2014 at 6:04 am
You think 100 Years of Solitude is bad about people with the same names, I’ve been going through the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan. EVERYONE has the same name. I mean, in one chapter you might have Shemerin and Sheriam and Elayne and Moirane and Egwene and Sevanna and Serenna….just once I’d like a good solid “Bob” or “Jennifer” in there somewhere. Sigh,
June 23, 2014 at 1:42 pm
That’s how Brothers Karamazov is, too. “Fyodor Pyotr Alexovich visited Pyotr Fyodorovich and said, ‘I’m worried about Alexi Pyotrovich.'”
June 23, 2014 at 6:41 am
Loved 100 Years as a book, but the alternate title is spot on.
Adding one: The Road’s rejected title – Makes The Jungle feel like a Romance Novel.
June 23, 2014 at 1:38 pm
Oh, yeah, 100 Years is brilliant. I got SO MAD though, because I kept a flow-chart of characters, and crossed of someone who “dies” and then they turn up alive, and it was like Marquez was mocking me. “Oh, you won’t stay clear *that* easily!”
June 23, 2014 at 6:03 pm
OMG, you kept a flow chart?? Now I don’t feel so bad for all of the spreadsheets I make (e.g., Number of Times We’ve Used The National Parks Pass; Hypothetical Amount of Money We’ve Saved/Lost by Using National Parks Pass, etc.)
June 23, 2014 at 9:30 pm
Many copies actually come with a flow chart in the book. That’s how hard it is to keep track.
June 23, 2014 at 7:22 am
Love in the Time of Swine Flu just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
June 23, 2014 at 1:44 pm
It barely has a ring as is. “It’s called ‘Love in the Time of–” “Ooh, I like it.” “–Cholera.” “What?!”
June 23, 2014 at 8:13 am
Reblogged this on HemmingPlay and commented:
Thanks for giving me a laugh to start the week!
June 23, 2014 at 11:36 am
See, if only he had stuck with “Who Loves Bunnies?” I would have finally read the damned thing.
June 23, 2014 at 1:47 pm
That’s why titling upcoming trilogy “Who Loves Ice Cream!?” “Who Loves Pandas!?” and “Who Loves Puppies!?”. It all about the financing of the War of 1812, but I think the titles will get people to buy them all.
June 23, 2014 at 8:12 pm
I assume you know one of the real proposed titles of The Great Gatsby? Trimalchio in West Egg.
June 23, 2014 at 10:21 pm
Title: “The Kite Runner” — Rejected: “How to Chase Kites in Afghanistan Without Accidentally Tripping an IED on You Own Ass”
Just saying…
June 23, 2014 at 10:24 pm
Also… Title: “The Help” — Rejected: “The Hell I’m Makin’ You No Damn Pie, Bitch”
June 24, 2014 at 8:44 am
I really want to like “100 Years of Solitude” – I’ve read it twice trying to force the issue – but the cast of characters leaves me in the dust. Maybe I could decipher it the third time with your flow chart…
June 25, 2014 at 1:25 pm
How about “Pride and Prejudice”–rejected title: “The Republican Play Book” 😉
July 2, 2014 at 1:55 am
Hilarious – loved the one about Gatsby!
July 6, 2014 at 4:54 pm
The rejected titles are better than the published ones. My favourite is, “I Writed A Book That’s Vary Durty!”
December 20, 2014 at 9:21 am
973 Places you won’t see before you die … This made me burst out laughing. I needed that. Thank you.
April 6, 2015 at 12:20 pm
It does seem like that book could be part of a “Books To Make You Feel Bad About Your Life” series, doesn’t it?