Well, the fourth of July is coming up, and you know what that means: that on Friday people all over these United States will only have five more days until my birthday!
But it’s also Independence Day. And whether you’re planning a get-together or just wanting to enjoy the fireworks with friends and family, there are a few simple tips to making the holiday a success.
How to make deviled eggs: boil the eggs for 15-20 minutes and plunge them in cold water for 2-3 minutes. Then peel. As you peel, the egg will then rip apart like wet tissue paper. Hurl profanities at the eggs and throw them in the trash. Serve something besides deviled eggs.
Barbecuing the perfect steak: Marinate the entire cow for at least 6 months until you’re ready to grill. Pre-heat the barbecue for approximately 3 days. The grill itself should be glowing red, and any surfaces within 4 feet of the barbecue should be disturbingly warm to the touch. Carve the steaks and grill them for approximately 18 seconds. Also recommended: Keep a tazer close by to blast the waves of men who will come over to tell you you’re not doing it right.
Drinking Responsibly: Nothing ruins the holiday faster than having a couple too many. The key is pacing yourself. Start drinking steadily on July 1st. Mix up your alcohol types to really get your body in shape.
Showing your patriotism: You want a flag measuring at least 75 feet by 125 feet. Also, blaring patriotic music around the clock is useful. Finally, though, consider breaking in to the neighbors homes in the dead of night jump on them in their beds screaming, “WHERE ARE YOUR FLAGS?? WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING?? ARE YOU TIRED OF AMERICA??!!”
Pet care: More animals go missing on the 4th of July than any other day of the year, so be careful! Consider duct taping your pets to your body so you know where they are when the fireworks really get going.
Setting off fireworks: Obviously, there’s absolutely no downside to mixing intoxicants, drought conditions, and explosives, so the guiding principle here is: Light ‘em up!! Get 8 or 9 Costco fireworks packages – maybe some illegal stuff – and duct tape it all together, then hit it with a blow torch! I can guarantee that no one will be thinking about trying to follow that act!
Being Respectful of the neighbors: Oh yeah, King George would love that, wouldn’t he.