Well, the fourth of July is coming up, and you know what that means: that on Friday people all over these United States will only have five more days until my birthday!
But it’s also Independence Day. And whether you’re planning a get-together or just wanting to enjoy the fireworks with friends and family, there are a few simple tips to making the holiday a success.
If you wish to throw them in the garbage with all your strength, that’s acceptable.
How to make deviled eggs: boil the eggs for 15-20 minutes and plunge them in cold water for 2-3 minutes. Then peel. As you peel, the egg will then rip apart like wet tissue paper. Hurl profanities at the eggs and throw them in the trash. Serve something besides deviled eggs.
Barbecuing the perfect steak: Marinate the entire cow for at least 6 months until you’re ready to grill. Pre-heat the barbecue for approximately 3 days. The grill itself should be glowing red, and any surfaces within 4 feet of the barbecue should be disturbingly warm to the touch. Carve the steaks and grill them for approximately 18 seconds. Also recommended: Keep a tazer close by to blast the waves of men who will come over to tell you you’re not doing it right.
Drinking Responsibly: Nothing ruins the holiday faster than having a couple too many. The key is pacing yourself. Start drinking steadily on July 1st. Mix up your alcohol types to really get your body in shape.
“Oh, I’m sorry, is all this freedom BORING YOU??”
Showing your patriotism: You want a flag measuring at least 75 feet by 125 feet. Also, blaring patriotic music around the clock is useful. Finally, though, consider breaking in to the neighbors homes in the dead of night jump on them in their beds screaming, “WHERE ARE YOUR FLAGS?? WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING?? ARE YOU TIRED OF AMERICA??!!”
Pet care: More animals go missing on the 4th of July than any other day of the year, so be careful! Consider duct taping your pets to your body so you know where they are when the fireworks really get going.
Setting off fireworks: Obviously, there’s absolutely no downside to mixing intoxicants, drought conditions, and explosives, so the guiding principle here is: Light ‘em up!! Get 8 or 9 Costco fireworks packages – maybe some illegal stuff – and duct tape it all together, then hit it with a blow torch! I can guarantee that no one will be thinking about trying to follow that act!
Being Respectful of the neighbors: Oh yeah, King George would love that, wouldn’t he.
The Byronic Man 
July 1, 2014 at 4:35 am
I can see you’ve observed some of my past 4OJ celebrations.
July 1, 2014 at 4:37 am
haha! This was hilarious. Well happy pre-birthday B-man. Who knew duct tape was so versatile?
July 1, 2014 at 5:13 am
July 4th marks a special day for me. It’s the last day to take your frozen turkey out of the freezer and put it in the fridge if you expect it to be fully thawed by Thanksgiving.
July 1, 2014 at 5:17 am
This is Puppy Cody’s first Fourth of July. Duct-taping her to my body this year might not be a bad idea, but next year she’ll be bigger than me. I’ll let you know how that goes.
July 1, 2014 at 5:44 am
Oh boy, I can’t wait for the all night explosive celebration of America’s birth!! Unfortunately, this year I can’t drink myself into a stupor and render myself unconcious and uncaring about the asshole neighbors. Maybe this is the year of retaliation. Hmmm.
July 1, 2014 at 6:05 am
Should I dye the eggs red, white, and blue before tossing them? The Constitution is vague on that.
July 1, 2014 at 6:23 am
Happy 4th!!
>
July 1, 2014 at 7:01 am
As long as people remember to separate their duck-tape operations. Puppy goes down here; fireworks go up there.
July 1, 2014 at 8:07 am
I’m going to have 12 people, 3 dogs, and undoubtedly a buttload of both legal and illegal fireworks (both my grown sons have an unhealthy interest in loud, fiery things) in my 33 foot travel trailer for the holiday weekend. I started drinking yesterday.
July 1, 2014 at 8:23 am
I may need to buy a taser for my boyfriend now.
July 1, 2014 at 4:01 pm
Uncle Jesse was really freaking out about the impending fireworks, but duct taping him to my body will take care of that!
July 1, 2014 at 7:24 pm
Fresher eggs are supposed to be harder to peel, and there is a trick you can try. http://www.farmcurious.com/how-to-peel-a-farm-fresh-egg/
July 1, 2014 at 8:04 pm
Hahahahaha. That’s a funny post, it kinda applies even for Australia Day!
July 2, 2014 at 12:52 pm
I’m going to Canada…
July 7, 2014 at 3:27 pm
Good plan. Up here in Canada we say “July 4? Big deal; been there, done that – three days ago – on a Tuesday!”
July 9, 2014 at 7:53 am
🙂
July 3, 2014 at 7:36 am
Thank you for this invaluable tips. Except I usually like to throw obscenities and hurl the eggs. Potato, poTAto.
July 4, 2014 at 5:05 am
I can’t wait for the intoxicated pyrotechnic wannabes to start the festivities. I’ll be sleeping with a fire extinguisher tonight!
July 4, 2014 at 9:35 am
That sums up every deviled egg experience I’ve had. Happy early birthday – don’t let America take all the birthday glory for July (maybe you need your own brand of flag in order to properly compete?)!
July 6, 2014 at 4:59 pm
That’s quite the list, Almost Birthday Boy. I make a lot of hard boiled eggs for various reasons including Devilled eggs. They never peel properly. I have tried every trick out there on the internet that says, “here is how to perfectly peel a boiled egg”. They all lie!
July 8, 2014 at 10:27 pm
I seriously don’t like to laugh, so I’m pretty upset right now.