What Not To Say On Valentine’s Day

February 13, 2014



Yeah he's... he's not looking good.

Yeah he’s, uh, he’s not looking good.

* “I was going to get you roses but they’re expensive, so I cut this picture of Axl Rose out of Rolling Stone instead.”

* “Just love me and I’ll give your dog back.”

* “Thank you for this book of coupons for free, sensual massages!  Do… Do I have to redeem them with you?”

* “I know you don’t like perfumed soaps, so I drew you a bubble bath with dish soap!”

* “Instead of chocolates I got you weight-loss tea.  What?  You said you wanted to get in shape!”

* “I will now put one cigarette out on my arm for every reason that I love you.”

Well, she would...

Well, she would…

* “That is some seriously sexy lingerie.  Can you imagine how good Mila Kunis would look in that?”

* “It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”

* “I ate one of those little candy hearts for every day we’ve been together.  Please call poison control.”

* “Sex time now.”

* “They didn’t have 4 Weddings & A Funeral, so I got 7 Heads In A Duffel Bag instead.”

* “I thought it would be fun to re-enact the first Valentine’s day!  No, not our first; the first.  Oh, of course I won’t literally behead you.  Come on.”

* “Why yes, that is your face tattooed all across my back.  I’ve been trying to find a way to start a conversation with you so I could ask you out.”

* “Hey, isn’t Valentine’s Day coming up?”

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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36 Comments on “What Not To Say On Valentine’s Day”

  1. Laura Says:

    “Thank you for this book of coupons for free, sensual massages! How much do you think they’ll go for on ebay?”


  2. Sandra Says:

    Even the picture you chose of Axl Rose is hilarious! Well done.


  3. Michelle Says:

    “I just want to be friends.”


  4. 1pointperspective Says:

    “You’re friends with Susie. Do you think she likes me?”


  5. Dicky Bow Brown Says:

    I’m turning this into a check list and seeing how many I can do without being attacked.


  6. colin Says:

    These are like when you are asked the question does this dress make look fat, we know what the answer always will be.


  7. thefoodandwinehedonist Says:

    7 Heads in the Duffle bag can pretty much brighten any holiday do or not-to-do list…

    Here’s another – I had my sister try on this lingerie first to make sure it was hot enough.


  8. becomingcliche Says:

    Aww! A dish-soap bubble bath! How…um…hygienic?

    “I know yesterday was Valentine’s day, but the chocolate was 1/2 price today!”


  9. silkpurseproductions Says:

    Great list! I would have to eliminate the one about re-enacting the Valentine’s Day thing though. I just posted about re-enacting the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. So that might be a conflict of interest.


  10. BrainRants Says:

    How about: “Hold still just a sec… this won’t take long…”


  11. Deborah the Closet Monster Says:

    Oh, but it is tempting to try out one of these lines now! The only question is–which one? (The Mila Kunis one is out, at least.)


  12. Exile on Pain Street Says:

    This really happened: On a table at work, there was a tiny dish of those candy hearts with flowery messages. One of my colleagues and I grabbed a bunch, scratched out the messages and wrote in our own like “Bad Seed” and “Anthrax.” Oddly, nobody saw the humor in it.


  13. pensitivity101 Says:

    Oh, excellent. I’m still laughing!


  14. mistyslaws Says:

    “As you can see, I’ve planned a romantic dinner for us. And as you can tell by the extra place setting, I’ve also invited your sister. This is going to be a very sexy night . . . for me!”


  15. Every Record Tells A Story Says:

    “I have got you a present. It’s a new doorbell.”
    I know someone who actually did this…
    He’s still married to her.


  16. pegoleg Says:

    “You could have at least sprung for a dozen Axl Roses, you cheap bastard!”


  17. Daile Says:

    Who wouldn’t love some Axl Roses for Valentine’s Day? Nothing says love like a chubby past his prime rock legend… Can I put in an order for Meatloaf for Valentine’s Day dinner?


  18. Adrea Says:

    A wise man knows what not to say just as much as what to say.


  19. redsall Says:

    Ha! Or ‘How to start another Valentine’s Day massacre’


  20. Don Royster Says:

    “Honey, I know you’ve been wanting me to save money. That’s why I stopped by the cemetery and took these. They’ll never be missed. Sorry, they’ve wilted.”


  21. Barbra Brady Says:

    “Hey, what’s up?”


  22. PinotNinja Says:

    But, if it was a picture of Axl Rose and Pete Rose together, then it would be EPIC.


  23. LVital7019 Says:

    I do not know why, but I was sidelined by that Buffalo Bill sh*t…How in the sevenhells did I NOT see that coming?? LOL. Perfect! 😀


  24. jcrowe79 Says:

    I just spit coffee at the yes your face is tattooed on my back, I’ve been trying to figure out a way to ask you out. AWESOME! and my visual for this is the big DAVE tattoo Ryan Reynolds gets on his back in the Change Up.


  25. bugzapperworld Says:

    Haha, lovely to read!


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