Yeah he’s, uh, he’s not looking good.
* “I was going to get you roses but they’re expensive, so I cut this picture of Axl Rose out of Rolling Stone instead.”
* “Just love me and I’ll give your dog back.”
* “Thank you for this book of coupons for free, sensual massages! Do… Do I have to redeem them with you?”
* “I know you don’t like perfumed soaps, so I drew you a bubble bath with dish soap!”
* “Instead of chocolates I got you weight-loss tea. What? You said you wanted to get in shape!”
* “I will now put one cigarette out on my arm for every reason that I love you.”
Well, she would…
* “That is some seriously sexy lingerie. Can you imagine how good Mila Kunis would look in that?”
* “It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”
* “I ate one of those little candy hearts for every day we’ve been together. Please call poison control.”
* “Sex time now.”
* “They didn’t have 4 Weddings & A Funeral, so I got 7 Heads In A Duffel Bag instead.”
* “I thought it would be fun to re-enact the first Valentine’s day! No, not our first; the first. Oh, of course I won’t literally behead you. Come on.”
* “Why yes, that is your face tattooed all across my back. I’ve been trying to find a way to start a conversation with you so I could ask you out.”
* “Hey, isn’t Valentine’s Day coming up?”
The Byronic Man 
February 13, 2014 at 4:04 am
“Thank you for this book of coupons for free, sensual massages! How much do you think they’ll go for on ebay?”
February 13, 2014 at 4:18 am
Even the picture you chose of Axl Rose is hilarious! Well done.
February 13, 2014 at 4:22 am
“I just want to be friends.”
February 13, 2014 at 4:42 am
Hilarious!
February 13, 2014 at 4:48 am
“You’re friends with Susie. Do you think she likes me?”
February 13, 2014 at 6:28 am
“She does!”
February 13, 2014 at 6:30 am
OMG! I better get cracking on a Valentine’s gift for her then. Where’d I leave my box of crayons?
February 13, 2014 at 5:33 am
I’m turning this into a check list and seeing how many I can do without being attacked.
February 13, 2014 at 5:42 am
These are like when you are asked the question does this dress make look fat, we know what the answer always will be.
February 13, 2014 at 5:48 am
7 Heads in the Duffle bag can pretty much brighten any holiday do or not-to-do list…
Here’s another – I had my sister try on this lingerie first to make sure it was hot enough.
February 14, 2014 at 7:00 am
Ew. Just Ew.
February 13, 2014 at 5:50 am
Aww! A dish-soap bubble bath! How…um…hygienic?
“I know yesterday was Valentine’s day, but the chocolate was 1/2 price today!”
February 13, 2014 at 7:18 am
Ha…. takes me back to when EX-husband gave me chocolates for my birthday with Happy Easter on them. My birthday is in May. (not the reason for our divorce!!) 🙂
February 13, 2014 at 5:55 am
Damn.
February 13, 2014 at 6:03 am
Great list! I would have to eliminate the one about re-enacting the Valentine’s Day thing though. I just posted about re-enacting the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. So that might be a conflict of interest.
February 13, 2014 at 6:06 am
wise advice, all
February 13, 2014 at 6:09 am
How about: “Hold still just a sec… this won’t take long…”
February 13, 2014 at 6:34 am
Oh, but it is tempting to try out one of these lines now! The only question is–which one? (The Mila Kunis one is out, at least.)
February 13, 2014 at 6:53 am
This really happened: On a table at work, there was a tiny dish of those candy hearts with flowery messages. One of my colleagues and I grabbed a bunch, scratched out the messages and wrote in our own like “Bad Seed” and “Anthrax.” Oddly, nobody saw the humor in it.
February 13, 2014 at 7:16 am
Oh, excellent. I’m still laughing!
February 13, 2014 at 9:52 am
“As you can see, I’ve planned a romantic dinner for us. And as you can tell by the extra place setting, I’ve also invited your sister. This is going to be a very sexy night . . . for me!”
February 13, 2014 at 1:57 pm
“I have got you a present. It’s a new doorbell.”
I know someone who actually did this…
He’s still married to her.
February 13, 2014 at 2:45 pm
“You could have at least sprung for a dozen Axl Roses, you cheap bastard!”
February 14, 2014 at 5:43 am
I wonder how much a dozen Axl Roses will set you back these days.
February 14, 2014 at 6:27 am
Money is no object on a day like today.
February 14, 2014 at 6:40 am
Does this mean you’re going to spring for the long-stems? xoxoxo
February 13, 2014 at 6:25 pm
Who wouldn’t love some Axl Roses for Valentine’s Day? Nothing says love like a chubby past his prime rock legend… Can I put in an order for Meatloaf for Valentine’s Day dinner?
February 13, 2014 at 8:27 pm
A wise man knows what not to say just as much as what to say.
February 13, 2014 at 9:28 pm
Ha! Or ‘How to start another Valentine’s Day massacre’
February 16, 2014 at 12:31 pm
“Honey, I know you’ve been wanting me to save money. That’s why I stopped by the cemetery and took these. They’ll never be missed. Sorry, they’ve wilted.”
February 17, 2014 at 7:27 am
“Hey, what’s up?”
February 18, 2014 at 6:36 am
But, if it was a picture of Axl Rose and Pete Rose together, then it would be EPIC.
February 19, 2014 at 6:25 pm
I do not know why, but I was sidelined by that Buffalo Bill sh*t…How in the sevenhells did I NOT see that coming?? LOL. Perfect! 😀
March 13, 2014 at 2:10 pm
I just spit coffee at the yes your face is tattooed on my back, I’ve been trying to figure out a way to ask you out. AWESOME! and my visual for this is the big DAVE tattoo Ryan Reynolds gets on his back in the Change Up.
March 17, 2014 at 8:57 pm
That would me a toughie… “Hm, that’s an insane thing to do… but it DOES mean she reads my blog…”
May 30, 2014 at 4:39 am
Haha, lovely to read!