The TSA has begun working on reforming its methods at America’s airports to be more friendly and considerate of travelers passing through security checkpoints. – AP Newswire item
***
Hi there! Where you headed? Ah, Dublin, Ireland. Well, top ‘o the morning to ye! Ha ha. They don’t really say that, of course. Beautiful country. Have you been there before? Oh, so much to see. Wicklow, Kilkenny, the Guinness brewery… Ah, get a load of me, going on and on. Hey, can I look at your passport for a second? Thanks! That’s so kind of you!
Whoa; you, my handsome friend, have lost some weight, haven’t you? Come on, don’t be modest.
Ahhh. Just relax. Isn’t that nice? Little massage there for ya’?
So, listen – funny story. You’re probably wondering why that confetti fell on you and Kool & The Gang started playing through the speakers. Well, somehow you set off the metal detector. No, it doesn’t do an alarm sound any more. It was making people feel bad about themselves. Well, between that and the fact that there’s something just kind of, you know, funny looking on the x-ray of your bag, we thought it might be a great chance for us to hang out! Chat. Get to know each other. Hang on, Officer Sally just needs to give you a quick body massage. Isn’t that nice?
Come on over to the lounge. Latte? Juice? Muffin? Let’s have a seat. You want my chair? You sure?
Uh oh. Something in your bag made Figglesworth a saaaad little beagle. Which means you have the right to remain silent, doesn’t he Figglesworth? Yes, he does! Yes, he does!
Now, I hope you don’t mind, but while we shoot the breeze these cute little puppies are going to sniff your bags and you. Aren’t they adorable? Look at their little ears!
So, these big tubes of fluid you had in your bag. What’s in there? Hm, shampoo, conditioner and toothpaste? Well, that’s makes sense to me. It’s just that we have, heh heh, these silly rules about the amount of liquid you can take on board. I know, crazy, right? Ha ha ha ha! And then you also had those nail clippers in your pocket. With the file. You are clearly a man who takes pride in his appearance, and it shows! Good for you!
Except, of course, you know… those pesky rules. No, no, please. Don’t get up. Hey Officer Dan? Could you activate The Tickler? Thanks.
There. Isn’t that better? Nothing like a few thousand volts of tickling to calm you right down. It’s like a 3-day spa in 10 seconds, isn’t it?
While perusing the fascinating biography of you that the government has on file – and, seriously, you should think about writing an autobiography; you are a wonderfully interesting guy – we couldn’t help but notice that you once got in trouble for being a minor in possession of alcohol and being out after curfew. Also that you wrote a letter to the editor of your local paper complaining about the USA PATRIOT act.
Ah, look at that sunshine! And the green trees, and the ocean’s just out of sight! You’re going to love it.
We’d love to talk some more with you about your amazing life, and your grooming habits. Wouldn’t that be fun? To make it worth your while, we’re sending you to a tropical island! It’s a little spot at the eastern end of Cuba we own.
Until we can get your room ready, though, you’ll be our guest at an unnamed, underground facility, where you’ll get chat sessions with our trained counselors every couple of hours, and regular Spa Tickler Sessions. And, just real quick, you like sock puppets? How about latex sock puppets? Well get ready for the zany hijinks of Mr. Cavity Search! You never know what kind of caper he’ll get up to!
And, hey, thanks for coming to the airport today. It’s been so great meeting you.
The Byronic Man 
December 19, 2013 at 5:28 am
Well, when you put it that way smuggling sounds like a great option.
December 20, 2013 at 12:00 pm
I can’t see what could go wrong.
December 19, 2013 at 5:58 am
Well damn, now I want to book a trip. Three day spa in 10 seconds? Sign me up!!
December 20, 2013 at 12:01 pm
Just don’t go for the Deluxe package. It can have permanent, uh, “relaxation” effects.
December 22, 2013 at 8:38 pm
Can do the same in 5. We got a deal?
December 19, 2013 at 6:20 am
I think this already started. When I went on vacation the TSA guy working the full body scanner complimented me in my manscaping.
December 20, 2013 at 12:02 pm
They should have to say something nice about every person who goes through the scanner. Just to ease people’s discomfort.
December 19, 2013 at 6:57 am
Maybe they will offer cocktails during the anal probbing?
December 20, 2013 at 12:02 pm
Seems only fair.
December 20, 2013 at 12:31 pm
Drinks are costly, may be worth it?
December 19, 2013 at 7:05 am
I suspect the TSA and Ziploc are in cahoots. Have you seen how much they charge for those ‘travel size’ bags with the plane stamped on them?? I can’t even get a morning’s worth of vodka in one of those things!
December 20, 2013 at 12:07 pm
That’s why I just draw an airplane on my gallon bags. When TSA gives me a suspicious look, I just say, “Does it have an airplane on the bag? Then obviously it’s fine.” And I’m on my way!
December 19, 2013 at 7:19 am
I am so glad that I don’t have to travel until AFTER Christmas… it is always a joy.
December 19, 2013 at 9:57 am
Don’t forget the pleasing lemon spray. It used to be pepper spray, but they changed it to make it more refreshing for the end user.
December 19, 2013 at 5:27 pm
“Are your eyes burning a little from the lemon spray we had to apply because you were getting a bit upset? Look on the bright side…now you smell great!”
December 19, 2013 at 9:57 am
That seems a lot more pleasant and jovial than how things go down now. I, um, am guessing.
December 19, 2013 at 10:45 am
Just had to include a picture of a BEAGLE puppy, didn’t you. Aw, I want one! (Oh, and the rest of the post made me laugh, which I really needed today. Glad I don’t fly.)
December 20, 2013 at 12:08 pm
Beagle puppies – and especially sad beagle puppies – are like the taser-guns of cute.
December 19, 2013 at 11:36 am
Whenever this happens to me, I know which TSA person is NOT going to be searching me because she’s the cutest one. I always get Mr. Hairy Knuckles. Not that there’s anything wrong with hairy knuckles. Except when they’re jammed up my butt.
December 19, 2013 at 3:50 pm
I had a British airport security officer confiscate my dental floss because he didn’t know what it was. Seriously. Way to fight the stereotype, Great Britain!
December 20, 2013 at 12:09 pm
That almost seems to good to be true. Like maybe after you left he was at the pub telling the story, “So I acted like I had no idea what it was! Ha ha ha ha ha!” then he finished his meat pie, downed a warm pint and rioted because his football team lost.
December 19, 2013 at 5:52 pm
Your TSA post prompts me to share this little tidbit:
http://news.yahoo.com/sock-monkey-s-toy-gun-detained-by-tsa-215850875.html
January 23, 2014 at 7:35 pm
Don’t American Sock Puppets have the right to bear arms? Isn’t there something in the first or second amendment about this?
December 20, 2013 at 2:09 am
Puppies and sock puppets!? I’m all over that funhouse as soon as I can find my incendiary device.
December 20, 2013 at 6:49 am
I’ve learned to travel with one carry-on bag, slip-on shoes, no jewelry, and a big smile.
December 20, 2013 at 10:52 pm
And the way they get all rankled when you mention “bomb,” as in “You’d think I had a bomb on me the way they’ve got this dog sniffing my testes.” No sense of humor at all. Can you provide a link to order these latex sock puppet? I hope they rush deliver. It’s almost Christmas.
December 21, 2013 at 4:04 pm
Who am I to deny a booty massage, I mean It is for the greater good.
December 31, 2013 at 8:18 pm
The worst! Latex sock puppets.. hmm
http://snarksense.wordpress.com/2013/12/31/some-assembly-required/
January 3, 2014 at 7:38 am
At least then you can have a little show.
January 3, 2014 at 7:11 pm
YES
January 3, 2014 at 6:33 am
Holy shizz this was funny. I just shot coffee out my nose. Thanks for that.
I remember the last time I flew, I “forgot” about the liquid thing. They ended up snatching Julia’s bottle out of my hands and dumping the formula out right in front of her horrified little face. Then they handed me back the empty bottle and said, “Have a good flight!” (I was told I could mix the formula for her once on the plane but not before I got on the plane….minor details….)
January 3, 2014 at 7:42 am
Well, if we *assume* babies aren’t terrorists, THAT’S who Al Qaeda will recruit.
January 4, 2014 at 1:47 pm
*Giggling*… did you want a cigarette afterwards?
January 5, 2014 at 10:05 pm
When I flew last month, I actually realized why TSA doesn’t allow water bottles on the planes. I always bring a plastic water bottle with me, which I also demonstratively drink empty while in the TSA line, then refill at a water fountain once past security (the closer to them, the better). But this time, I left the refilled bottle in a side pocket of my backpack in the overhead bid, and when I tried to take out the bottle, it fell nearly on the head of a woman in the seat below.
January 6, 2014 at 5:39 pm
Funny. When I clicked on your home page, the graphic of this post box slid down under the banner. It looked like she was pulling her pants down. I actually had to do it again to be sure of what I saw. Yep. Did you plan that? Creepy.
Sock puppet at the end had me roaring. Been a while since I flew. I’m sure it’s much different now.
January 17, 2014 at 8:37 pm
But hey, you can’t exempt regular border crossings either.
January 20, 2014 at 8:57 am
Not quite to this extreme, but my wife and I had a very similar experience coming back in to the US from Canada a couple years ago. The guard just bullied us to show us he could, barked cryptic orders at us (“Window down.” “Excuse me?” “Window down!” “The window is down.” “WINDOW DOWN!” “I don’t understand. Do you mean the back seat window?” “WINDOW DOWN!”) and when we didn’t immediately followed, escalated his bullying. Once we were through, we actually had to pull over for a while because we were so shaken, and left feeling, well, bullied.
January 20, 2014 at 2:21 pm
I’m sorry to hear that. Well, that’s the unfortunate reality with travel eh?