Airport Security: The Best Friend You’ll Ever Have Who’ll Detain You Indefinitely Without Charges

December 19, 2013


The TSA has begun working on reforming its methods at America’s airports to be more friendly and considerate of travelers passing through security checkpoints.   – AP Newswire item


Hi there!  Where you headed?  Ah, Dublin, Ireland.  Well, top ‘o the morning to ye!  Ha ha.  They don’t really say that, of course.  Beautiful country.  Have you been there before?  Oh, so much to see.  Wicklow, Kilkenny, the Guinness brewery… Ah, get a load of me, going on and on.  Hey, can I look at your passport for a second?  Thanks!  That’s so kind of you!

Whoa; you, my handsome friend, have lost some weight, haven’t you?  Come on, don’t be modest.

Ahhh. Just relax. Isn’t that nice? Little massage there for ya’?

So, listen – funny story.  You’re probably wondering why that confetti fell on you and Kool & The Gang started playing through the speakers.  Well, somehow you set off the metal detector.  No, it doesn’t do an alarm sound any more.  It was making people feel bad about themselves.  Well, between that and the fact that there’s something just kind of, you know, funny looking on the x-ray of your bag, we thought it might be a great chance for us to hang out!  Chat.  Get to know each other.  Hang on, Officer Sally just needs to give you a quick body massage.  Isn’t that nice?

Come on over to the lounge.  Latte?  Juice?  Muffin?  Let’s have a seat. You want my chair?  You sure?

Uh oh. Something in your bag made Figglesworth a saaaad little beagle. Which means you have the right to remain silent, doesn’t he Figglesworth? Yes, he does! Yes, he does!

Now, I hope you don’t mind, but while we shoot the breeze these cute little puppies are going to sniff your bags and you.  Aren’t they adorable?  Look at their little ears!

So, these big tubes of fluid you had in your bag.  What’s in there?  Hm, shampoo, conditioner and toothpaste?  Well, that’s makes sense to me.  It’s just that we have, heh heh, these silly rules about the amount of liquid you can take on board.  I know, crazy, right? Ha ha ha ha!  And then you also had those nail clippers in your pocket.  With the file.  You are clearly a man who takes pride in his appearance, and it shows!  Good for you!

Except, of course, you know… those pesky rules.  No, no, please.  Don’t get up.  Hey Officer Dan?  Could you activate The Tickler?  Thanks.

There.  Isn’t that better?  Nothing like a few thousand volts of tickling to calm you right down.  It’s like a 3-day spa in 10 seconds, isn’t it?

While perusing the fascinating biography of you that the government has on file – and, seriously, you should think about writing an autobiography; you are a wonderfully interesting guy – we couldn’t help but notice that you once got in trouble for being a minor in possession of alcohol and being out after curfew.  Also that you wrote a letter to the editor of your local paper complaining about the USA PATRIOT act.

Ah, look at that sunshine! And the green trees, and the ocean’s just out of sight! You’re going to love it.

We’d love to talk some more with you about your amazing life, and your grooming habits.  Wouldn’t that be fun?  To make it worth your while, we’re sending you to a tropical island!  It’s a little spot at the eastern end of Cuba we own.

Until we can get your room ready, though, you’ll be our guest at an unnamed, underground facility, where you’ll get chat sessions with our trained counselors every couple of hours, and regular Spa Tickler Sessions.  And, just real quick, you like sock puppets? How about latex sock puppets?  Well get ready for the zany hijinks of Mr. Cavity Search!  You never know what kind of caper he’ll get up to!

And, hey, thanks for coming to the airport today.  It’s been so great meeting you.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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38 Comments on “Airport Security: The Best Friend You’ll Ever Have Who’ll Detain You Indefinitely Without Charges”

  1. silkpurseproductions Says:

    Well, when you put it that way smuggling sounds like a great option.


  2. mistyslaws Says:

    Well damn, now I want to book a trip. Three day spa in 10 seconds? Sign me up!!


  3. thefoodandwinehedonist Says:

    I think this already started. When I went on vacation the TSA guy working the full body scanner complimented me in my manscaping.


  4. ddickerson2013 Says:

    Maybe they will offer cocktails during the anal probbing?


  5. Go Jules Go Says:

    I suspect the TSA and Ziploc are in cahoots. Have you seen how much they charge for those ‘travel size’ bags with the plane stamped on them?? I can’t even get a morning’s worth of vodka in one of those things!


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      That’s why I just draw an airplane on my gallon bags. When TSA gives me a suspicious look, I just say, “Does it have an airplane on the bag? Then obviously it’s fine.” And I’m on my way!


  6. susielindau Says:

    I am so glad that I don’t have to travel until AFTER Christmas… it is always a joy.


  7. Jackie Cangro Says:

    Don’t forget the pleasing lemon spray. It used to be pepper spray, but they changed it to make it more refreshing for the end user.


    • Paul George Eberlein Says:

      “Are your eyes burning a little from the lemon spray we had to apply because you were getting a bit upset? Look on the bright side…now you smell great!”


  8. Twindaddy Says:

    That seems a lot more pleasant and jovial than how things go down now. I, um, am guessing.


  9. cordeliasmom2012 Says:

    Just had to include a picture of a BEAGLE puppy, didn’t you. Aw, I want one! (Oh, and the rest of the post made me laugh, which I really needed today. Glad I don’t fly.)


  10. BrainRants Says:

    Whenever this happens to me, I know which TSA person is NOT going to be searching me because she’s the cutest one. I always get Mr. Hairy Knuckles. Not that there’s anything wrong with hairy knuckles. Except when they’re jammed up my butt.


  11. Mal Content Says:

    I had a British airport security officer confiscate my dental floss because he didn’t know what it was. Seriously. Way to fight the stereotype, Great Britain!


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      That almost seems to good to be true. Like maybe after you left he was at the pub telling the story, “So I acted like I had no idea what it was! Ha ha ha ha ha!” then he finished his meat pie, downed a warm pint and rioted because his football team lost.


  12. Paul George Eberlein Says:

    Your TSA post prompts me to share this little tidbit:


  13. Sandy Sue Says:

    Puppies and sock puppets!? I’m all over that funhouse as soon as I can find my incendiary device.


  14. Blogdramedy Says:

    I’ve learned to travel with one carry-on bag, slip-on shoes, no jewelry, and a big smile.


  15. samara Says:

    And the way they get all rankled when you mention “bomb,” as in “You’d think I had a bomb on me the way they’ve got this dog sniffing my testes.” No sense of humor at all. Can you provide a link to order these latex sock puppet? I hope they rush deliver. It’s almost Christmas.


  16. ForeverCatMan Says:

    Who am I to deny a booty massage, I mean It is for the greater good.


  17. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Holy shizz this was funny. I just shot coffee out my nose. Thanks for that.

    I remember the last time I flew, I “forgot” about the liquid thing. They ended up snatching Julia’s bottle out of my hands and dumping the formula out right in front of her horrified little face. Then they handed me back the empty bottle and said, “Have a good flight!” (I was told I could mix the formula for her once on the plane but not before I got on the plane….minor details….)


  18. Off My Chest Says:

    *Giggling*… did you want a cigarette afterwards?


  19. List of X Says:

    When I flew last month, I actually realized why TSA doesn’t allow water bottles on the planes. I always bring a plastic water bottle with me, which I also demonstratively drink empty while in the TSA line, then refill at a water fountain once past security (the closer to them, the better). But this time, I left the refilled bottle in a side pocket of my backpack in the overhead bid, and when I tried to take out the bottle, it fell nearly on the head of a woman in the seat below.


  20. Shannon Says:

    Funny. When I clicked on your home page, the graphic of this post box slid down under the banner. It looked like she was pulling her pants down. I actually had to do it again to be sure of what I saw. Yep. Did you plan that? Creepy.

    Sock puppet at the end had me roaring. Been a while since I flew. I’m sure it’s much different now.


  21. Terrence Says:

    But hey, you can’t exempt regular border crossings either.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Not quite to this extreme, but my wife and I had a very similar experience coming back in to the US from Canada a couple years ago. The guard just bullied us to show us he could, barked cryptic orders at us (“Window down.” “Excuse me?” “Window down!” “The window is down.” “WINDOW DOWN!” “I don’t understand. Do you mean the back seat window?” “WINDOW DOWN!”) and when we didn’t immediately followed, escalated his bullying. Once we were through, we actually had to pull over for a while because we were so shaken, and left feeling, well, bullied.


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