I did a commercial last week for an insurance company, in which I walk you through the process of signing up for insurance and explain the new health care laws. The gist of it is that signing up for health care is easy and the insurance companies are here for you.
You know, lying.
The great irony is that I begin by saying “It’s really quite simple…” then talk for 5 full pages.
Now THAT is a reassuringly charming shirt.
If you see it, I hope you especially like the shirt I’m wearing, because there was a nearly 2-hour discussion over whether I should wearing it, or a blue one. Rest assured, everyone’s voice was heard on the issue, and that all agreed the shirt conveyed a sense of professionalism but not salesmanship, and friendliness but not too-casualness.
Most of it was pretty straight-forward, but certain sections really strained my abilities. For example, for some reason I had trouble sounding upbeat and friendly while saying that, while no one expects it, things like getting diagnosed with cancer can, and do, happen. I don’t know why it gave me trouble. Maybe I should have winked while I said it.
What you see in the ad while likely be less… clustered.
There was one section, added specifically for people watching the video in Oregon, in which I explain the that Cover Oregon system is not yet “Fully functional” and I think they should have used the take where I added, “You know, kind of like how a plane that slams into a mountain an explodes has been ‘delayed.’” I know the health care roll-out got pretty botched nation-wide, but Oregon’s deserves a special prize. To sign up, you have to go to the website, print the 19-page application, fill it out by hand, then fax it to the Cover Oregon offices who have – this is true – one fax machine. Then, if and when they got to it, they would mail the results to you.
Finally, there was the last line, which I had to repeat 19 times. The line ends with urging people, if they’re having trouble, to give the company a call because “we’re here for you” and then I smile. Only my smile looked fake and I sometimes sounded insincere. Possibly because I was thinking, every single time, “They are totally not here for you. They are here for your money.”
The biggest irony of it? I immediately used that money for some medical bills that my insurance won’t cover.
The Byronic Man 
January 7, 2014 at 4:18 am
Biggest mistake our elected officials have ever made.
January 9, 2014 at 8:14 am
Hiring me for the commercial? Dude, harsh.
January 9, 2014 at 8:59 am
No, that was probably the best one. I was thinking more about the ACA… sadly, you may rescue it all by your awesome self.
January 9, 2014 at 2:47 pm
I know, I just liked the idea of people getting together and agreeing that my performance was the worst thing about the whole situation.
January 7, 2014 at 5:25 am
That is a pretty great shirt.
January 9, 2014 at 8:15 am
It’s even wrinkle-free!
January 7, 2014 at 6:15 am
5 pages? Are you sure this isn’t a new mini series? (OMG. Title ideas…GO!)
“Maybe You Won’t Get Cancer, But If You Do… (Ha Ha No. You Definitely Will.)”
“Who Do I Have To Fax Around Here To Get An Rxxx?”
“The Fax About
LifeHealth Insurance”“White Collar v. Blue Collar: Let’s Not Shirt The Issue”
January 7, 2014 at 6:36 am
I was laughing so hard at these I forgot what my comment was.
January 8, 2014 at 10:44 am
LOL. Loving the titles.
January 9, 2014 at 8:15 am
All of these are 1000 times better than the title I came up with…
January 21, 2014 at 1:20 am
These are absolutely fantastic.
January 7, 2014 at 6:37 am
You should have some form of ID that says “I am not a representative of your insurance company, I just play one on TV”.
January 9, 2014 at 8:16 am
Yeah, I’d hate to be recognized. “He’s an insurance guy! Get him!”
January 7, 2014 at 6:59 am
So real, so funny…although I am the person occasionally writing that copy. At least I can laugh at myself, right? Right?
January 9, 2014 at 8:18 am
True. Though, people might like copy better if it came with a video of the writer shaking their head and taking a swig of booze while they write it.
January 9, 2014 at 9:07 am
Shouldn’t be hard video to get.
January 7, 2014 at 7:21 am
I see a CLIO award in your future!
January 9, 2014 at 8:17 am
Hm, I’m not sure I’m covered for that…
January 7, 2014 at 7:43 am
I cringe just thinking about how “here for me” the insurance companies are. grrrr…but I do want to see this commercial.
January 9, 2014 at 8:19 am
I suppose, technically, it’s true. I never said why, or in what capacity, the company is there for you.
January 7, 2014 at 8:16 am
Insurance companies have all of our best interests at heart, no doubt.
January 9, 2014 at 8:17 am
Why else would one get in the health care game?
January 9, 2014 at 8:22 am
It’s a great place for all altruists.
January 7, 2014 at 8:59 am
I WANT to believe your insurance company is going to be there for me, but that shirt is sending the message “We HATE all of our policyholders and hope they die in the street like the dogs they are, right after they pay their premiums.” Maybe they should have gone with the blue.
January 9, 2014 at 8:16 am
The blue one had some pretty shocking views about race.
January 7, 2014 at 12:16 pm
I’m feeling generous and want to see an angel get some wings today. Loved the commentary, very accurate and highlights what I commonly call “The Trainwreck Factor” in this roll out of nationalized health care. As in, it is SO messy, it is like watching a train wreck, complete with multiple slow motion decapitations, flying mothers, babies and locomotives. Yes, this is going to be messy. Nice shirt though!
January 7, 2014 at 12:28 pm
Will I be able to see this on YouTube? I’m pretty sure it’s not going to air in Canada, and I *really need* to see the fake smile and hear the insincere “we’re here for you!” line. MUST.
January 7, 2014 at 3:13 pm
Ditto!
January 7, 2014 at 7:15 pm
Ditto!
January 8, 2014 at 7:09 am
Ditto! (Only with being sure it won’t air in the UK rather than Canada!)
January 9, 2014 at 8:28 am
Hm, I’m not sure. I’ll try to let you know – I can at least post the link.
January 9, 2014 at 9:08 am
Doooooo it.
January 9, 2014 at 9:47 am
Are you saying you don’t know the ins and outs of the airing schedules for US medical insurance commercials? I expected this to be top-of-the-head knowledge for you, B-Man.
January 7, 2014 at 2:26 pm
Nice shirt!
Perhaps you need to switch your insurance provider to the one advertised… they might cover the bills?… #wishfulthinking
January 7, 2014 at 2:29 pm
You mean … I shouldn’t believe everything I see on TV? Oh my god, I’m shocked!!
January 7, 2014 at 2:41 pm
It’s hard to believe just how badly Oregon f’d this up when it is this state’s wet dream. I think if they had focused more on selecting a really nice shirt for the program, instead of those singing commercials, they may have seen more return on the gazillion dollar investment.
I will be looking for you!
January 9, 2014 at 8:28 am
Yeah, it may be enough to reverse the governor’s feelings about the death penalty.
January 9, 2014 at 9:21 am
hahahaha
January 7, 2014 at 3:17 pm
You could copyright the subject of this blog and sell it to an insurance company for big bucks; they might change the slogan to “Getting OUR Insurance Is As Easy As Arguing Over A Shirt For 2 Hours!” Truth in advertising, anyone?
January 9, 2014 at 8:29 am
If an insurance company had that slogan, I wouldn’t be able to help but check them out.
January 7, 2014 at 5:47 pm
As an Oregonian, Cover Oregon is a huge blunder. There was so much publicity for the damn thing, and then it came out with a great big fizzle. Disappointing.
Also, the shirt your wearing better be the sexiest shirt ever created to spark a 2 hour discussion.
January 9, 2014 at 8:29 am
Well, “Sexy” wasn’t really what they were going for, and I think it’s a damn shame they weren’t.
January 7, 2014 at 7:15 pm
I live in Oregon now, having moved from West Virginia at the end of the summer and I love it here. The Cover Oregon snafus were a huge surprise since the state was so supportive and marketed with billboards and info everywhere. However, I am enrolled, despite the issues and very happy about it! Way better than my WV coverage which was Cobraed and more expensive
January 9, 2014 at 8:30 am
It does seem like they’re making some headway. Once you’re in, it’s a pretty good system. It’s just like an exclusive club.
January 7, 2014 at 10:32 pm
I think this shirt should be repealed. I bet it’s unconstitutional and millions of people will lose their insurance because of it.
January 9, 2014 at 8:30 am
It is a pretty socialist shirt.
January 8, 2014 at 2:55 am
Oh, B-man. Didn’t they teach you anything in acting school? BE the insurance dick!
January 9, 2014 at 8:32 am
It’s my lack of previous experience to tap in to that shot me down.
January 8, 2014 at 3:30 am
I totally would’ve gone with the blue shirt, the white one makes you look like an insurance salesman.
January 9, 2014 at 8:22 am
It’s actually an oatmeal/cream/off-white. White, on camera, makes you look like you’re insane/glowing.
January 9, 2014 at 12:58 pm
Oh really? I had no idea! In that case you should’ve worn white!
January 8, 2014 at 7:13 am
Actually they should have made you wear a light purple shirt because apparently light purple makes people want to send money. It’s totally true, I read it on the internet so it must be 🙂
January 8, 2014 at 7:13 am
* SPEND money, not send money. Although send could work in this context I guess. As you were…
January 9, 2014 at 8:21 am
*Note to self, change blog’s color scheme to light purple.
January 8, 2014 at 8:13 am
Meanwhile, the copywriter is going, “The talent is butchering my beautiful prose!”
January 9, 2014 at 8:21 am
“NO, you IDIOT!! It’s ‘We’re HERE for you’ not ‘We’re here for YOU.’ Jesus!”
January 8, 2014 at 6:55 pm
I have a pressing question: did they make you change in and out of the opposing shirts repeatedly for two hours while they decided?
January 9, 2014 at 8:20 am
Only a couple times. The costume & make-up person had to hold them in front of me back & forth & back & forth & back & forth, though.
January 9, 2014 at 3:57 pm
Hopefully no disgruntled, unhealthy insurance customers attempt to accost you on the streets. ;-p
January 17, 2014 at 2:47 pm
Especially because if they do I can’t afford to see a doctor.
January 10, 2014 at 5:54 am
The controversy over the shirt is so insane, but I know it’s exactly how it works. Meeting, for meeting about having a meeting to discuss the meeting. 2 H O U R S over the color of a shirt and we wonder why shit takes so long to get done in this world. It’s really a miracle that a “fake smile” and “insincerity” are all you had in the end.
I hope I get the opportunity to see this masterpiece here on the east coast.
January 17, 2014 at 2:58 pm
Yesterday I spent 3 hours in a meeting crafting “core beliefs” and when they were done they said, basically, what we’d jotted down during the first 10 minutes.
January 11, 2014 at 6:09 pm
“Not yet fully functional.” The phrase that gave us Viagra, softens the blow of kidney failure, and every day unleashes countless desperate calls to tech support in Hyderabad (most of which result in torrents of profanity-laced rants and frustration-fueled threats to the personal safety of Hindus named Ryan). What a world.
January 12, 2014 at 5:29 am
But did you get to keep the shirt?
January 17, 2014 at 2:48 pm
Yes, so that was cool! Although it was my shirt, so that reduced the excitement somewhat…
January 12, 2014 at 12:00 pm
I deplore the lack of detail on the EXACT shade of blue on the (brutally) discarded shirt….AND as to the “tie /cravat” question we are left completely in the dark (Black perhaps).
One assumes trousers were omitted completely……
Am I alone in seeing a conspiracy here? striking at the very (off-white) heart of democracy….
If it helps I can offer political sanctuary to the blue (shade to be declared) shirt until the heat dies down
January 17, 2014 at 2:49 pm
No tie. This was just you and me, hangin’, talkin’ insurance.
January 12, 2014 at 12:01 pm
I have another pressing question….
was the shirt ironed?
January 17, 2014 at 2:44 pm
Steamed. It was a classy production.
January 22, 2014 at 9:53 am
Loved this post as it struck a chord. In Ireland we are being asked to pick the Health policy that will be tailored to suit our needs. Out of pure devilment, I rang my provider and explained that my family history was: diabetes, heart problems, asthma, Strokes, and my husbands: cancer of varying parts of the body, heart, diabetes and heart, so which package should I opt for? After a lot of floundering by the sales person most of which was inarticulate, I suggested I stay with the middle of the road package we currently have and asked for a discount. At this point I was told that a discount could only be given for new customers. So… if you are loyal you are rewarded with ???? The answer to that question still remains a mystery to be solved at a later date