The second installment in the Hobbit films comes out on Friday And maybe you’re interested in seeing it, but don’t want to commit 3+ hours to watching or re-watching the first one. And so I provide The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey: The 5-Minute Version.
SCENE 1: Bilbo Baggins’ Home
There is a knock at the door. Bilbo opens it, and outside are a bunch of dwarves clowning around; Gandalf the wizard; and a solemn, glowering dwarf, Thorin, who scowls at everyone.
Bilbo: Who are you? What do you want?
Gandalf: You must come on an adventure with us to kill a dragon and help Thorin reclaim his place as king of the dwarves.
Dare you question a dwarf who glowers so royally?
Thorin: I have failed and all is dark and such. Luckily, I slayed a giant orc guy who killed my father, so he’s definitely dead.
CUT TO: drawn out scene of giant battle against orcs and Thorin probably, almost certainly, kills a Big, Giant Orc. He cuts off his hand, that’s for sure.
Gandalf: Uh, yeah. He’s sure dead.
Bilbo: No, Hobbits hate adventure! Well, okay. Shall we go?
Thorin: Come if you must, Hobbit, but you are small and weak and useless. You will never help us in any way or demonstrate any courage.
Dwarf 2: Like that time you showed courage at the Battle of Applebobbin?
CUT TO: Lengthy scene of dwarves fighting thousands of Orcs. Thorin shows courage.
Bilbo leaves with the dwarves and Gandalf. They are immediately attacked by several thousand snarling creatures. Luckily they defeat the enemy and no one is hurt or killed.
Dwarf 3: That was close. Almost as close as the Battle of Blogfodder.
CUT TO: extended scene of thousands of people fighting snarling orcs with lots of beheadings.
SCENE 2: The party enters the mystical Elvish city of Rivendell.
Gandalf: Hi, is Elrond here?
Elf: No.
Elrond: I’m home!
Gandalf: Oh, good! And there’s the mystical elf Galadriel! And, hey, here comes the White Wizard Saruman! Wow! It is literally unbelievable that all these people have showed up just now!
Saruman: Let’s talk at great length about this trip you’re on with the dwarves.
Gandalf: We have to kill the dragon because I feel a dark power rising.
Saruman: That’s stupid. There’s no dark power rising and dwarves suck and you suck and Hobbits smell like cheese.
Gandalf looks at Galadriel and rolls his eyes.
Galadriel (telepathically speaking with Gandalf): I hate Saruman.
Gandalf (telepathically): Me too. He’s such a jerk.
“Say, why AM I being such a jerk? One might think my turn to evil would be more tragic if I weren’t already awful.”
Saruman: Hey, why are you being such dicks to me? I’m still a good guy, you know. There’s no way you could know I’m going to turn evil in 60 years when Lord of the Rings happens.
Elrond: So what do you want, Gandalf?
Gandalf: I need someone to read this Dwarvish map.
Elrod: You need an Elf to read the Dwarf map? Sure, that makes sense. Let’s see. Um, it says that the location of the door to the cave will only be visible on the map when the stars match the exact formation of the night the map was created, 2,000 years ago. Which, oh! Just happens to be right now at this very moment!
Gandalf: Oh, come on. Are you fucking kidding me?
SCENE 3: The party makes there way through the mountains.
Bilbo: Bit rainy today.
Thorin: Quiet, you stupid Hobbit. You have no business being here and you will never, ever, ever, ever do something that makes me change my mind.
Suddenly the mountains start crumbling and moving. Huge boulders avalanche over the party. The mountains are giants that start hitting each other. Luckily no one is killed or even hurt.
Everyone ducks in to a cave. Immediately, the ground cracks open and they all plummet hundreds and hundreds of feet, slamming against the rocks. Luckily, no one is killed or even hurt.
“An entire mountain is throwing boulders at us! I sure hope no one gets even so much as a bruise!”
Suddenly, they are attacked by thousands upon thousands of goblins who swarm over every surface of the Goblin City. Luckily the heroes are able to defeat them and get away without anyone being killed, or even hurt.
SCENE 4: A cave.
The dwarves, separated from Bilbo, find a sack of swords. They go through each sword, all of which they recognize by name, and we cut to stories of the swords being used in huge battles.
Bilbo: Hi, I’m back. I just played riddles with Gollum and got a ring.
Thorin: Your ring means nothing, pathetic Hobbit. I have here a written, notarized statement, swearing before God that you will never do anything that makes me respect you.
SCENE 5: A forest near a cliff.
A giant Orc with a missing hand attacks the party with his Orc army. It is the Orc who killed Thorin’s father.
Thorin: You!
Big, Giant Orc: Yes! I have decided to hunt you down and kill you just now, for some reason! Die! Die! Die!
Thorin charges the Big, Giant Orc. The other dwarves, running from the Orc army and their steeds, climb up a tree. The Orcs and the steeds try to get up the tree. Then the tree starts to fall of a cliff.
Also the tree is on fire. Whatever.
The Big, Giant Orc knocks out Thorin and is about to kill him when – and you are NOT going to believe this – Bilbo jumps in front of the orcs and protects Thorin.
Dwarf 5: Hurray for that incredibly predictable development! But we’re still doomed!
Gandalf: I’ve got it! I’ll catch this butterfly, and whisper to him, and he’ll bring the giant eagles to rescue us!
Dwarf 6: Oh, you mean kind of like you did in that scene in Lord Of The Rings?
Gandalf: No. I mean exactly like I did in that scene in Lord of the Rings.
SCENE 6: Forest floor.
Thorin: Well, Bilbo, in a shocking turn, I now see that bravery can come from small beings. Which you’d think I’d know, being a dwarf and all.
Dwarves: Yaaayyyy!
Bilbo: Thanks. Let’s keep going. Despite the fact that we’ve been attacked every single moment since I got out of my zip code, I think everything’s going to be fine from here on out.
Dwarf 3: You do remember we’re going to fight a dragon, right?
The Byronic Man 
December 11, 2013 at 3:06 am
Glad I never finished watching the film! This is much more entertaining…
December 11, 2013 at 11:29 am
And I came in way under budget, too.
December 11, 2013 at 3:32 am
That saves me the $1,239.82 for a theater viewing. Thanks!
December 11, 2013 at 11:30 am
Plus, my post is in 3D. Technically.
December 11, 2013 at 4:20 am
You forgot the part where Bilbo is scared a lot and hides because he’s a tiny hobbitses but doesn’t get killed or even hurt.
December 11, 2013 at 5:43 am
And don’t forget that scene with King Goblin the Nutsackneck…
December 11, 2013 at 11:31 am
And then at the end basically fights off a couple saber-tooth tigers, despite having no experience.
December 11, 2013 at 4:20 am
That about sums it up.
December 12, 2013 at 3:08 pm
And I didn’t even get in to the inclusion of Radagast the wizard, whose entire presence seems to be to justify a bunch of cheap hippie jokes.
December 12, 2013 at 3:33 pm
I’d have to go read the book again, but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t in The Hobbit.
December 31, 2013 at 8:57 am
He most definitely was not. Radagast was a Hollywood producers way of twisting the plot to introduce more gag lines and even more fantastical ways of validating an already ridiculous storyline that smells vaguely (actually quite strongly) of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
January 3, 2014 at 8:01 am
Sooooooooo, you won’t be watching the movie then?
January 3, 2014 at 10:26 am
Oh, I already have.
January 3, 2014 at 10:27 am
I haven’t seen the second one yet.
January 3, 2014 at 10:30 am
Even though I know I will be disappointed I cannot resist from watching the Hobbit. I mean for gosh darn sake! It’s a classic! Regardless of how terrible the movie adaption will be it seems like a requirement for any fan of literature.
January 3, 2014 at 10:31 am
I wasn’t impressed with the first showing, that’s for sure.
January 3, 2014 at 10:47 am
The second installment was definitely better than the first one, yet it was still chock full of cliches, inanities and an all pervasive feel of Disney. But still a marked improvement over the first one.
January 3, 2014 at 10:32 am
I feel like I am contradicting myself when I say that though. Many other classics have been turned into movies and I have never even entertained a thought of seeing them. Alice in Wonderland, Ender’s Game etc.. I knew those movies would destroy the book so thoroughly that I knew I would never ever ever watch them.
January 3, 2014 at 10:34 am
Rarely does a movie do any justice to the book from which it is based.
January 3, 2014 at 10:49 am
Too true, Yet the Lord of The RIng was one of those. I always wonder, which movie adapted from a book have I seen and was impressed with? I feel like there are some that I am forgeting.
January 3, 2014 at 10:57 am
I thought the Bourne movies were better than the books.
January 3, 2014 at 11:03 am
I only read one of the Bourne books although I viewed all of the movies. However for some reason I cannot rightly explain I did not enjoy them very much even though it seems that everyone I know looooves them.
January 3, 2014 at 11:28 am
Eh, everybody has their own flavor. I like them.
January 3, 2014 at 11:32 am
That’s right. No shame in doing so.
January 3, 2014 at 11:42 am
As is said, “each to his own.”
December 11, 2013 at 4:42 am
Thanks! That was very helpful and surprisingly accurate. You get a gold star for the battle names. That’s very funny.
I saw an animated spoof of Lord of the Rings (I think it was on SNL) and the entire movie consisted of a giant eagle flying Frodo and Sam over Mount Doom where they drop the ring in. Afterwards, they laugh and say, “Good thing we didn’t walk all that way. That would have taken forever!”
December 12, 2013 at 3:09 pm
The eagles always seem late – but they do make for a great metaphor for the US’s involvement in WW I & II.
December 13, 2013 at 3:49 am
D’oh! I never picked up on that! I’m terrible with metaphors. They always sail right over my head. I should have paid attention in my literature classes.
December 11, 2013 at 5:08 am
Is that the one where they eat all the little guy’s food in the beginning? I fell asleep watching something that sounded like this movie you describe so thank you for the refresher, sir.
December 12, 2013 at 3:09 pm
And then sing about it, and throw the dishes, yes. Riveting stuff. I know that part was in the book, but… guh.
December 11, 2013 at 5:17 am
“No, Hobbits hate adventure! Well, okay. Shall we go?” — see, so much could have been avoided if he had listened to his gut instinct from the beginning.
This was hilarious and I’m also thankful I finally know what this hobbit bidnezz was all about. I have never read a single word of any of the books or seen any of the movies.
December 12, 2013 at 3:10 pm
I know it’s an important part of The Hero’s Journey that the hero refuse the adventure, then agree to go, but ideally there’s a reason. Not just, “Eh, sure.”
December 17, 2013 at 12:03 pm
I’m so sorry to hear that, Maineiac! Unlike the disaster film, “The Hobbit”, the movies based on “The Lord of the Rings” ALMOST came close to being as wonderful as the books! (I never really liked the book “The Hobbit” either.) I think I have read The Lord of the Rings trilogy 5 or so times, and still plan to do it again … and again. Classic greatness.
December 11, 2013 at 6:03 am
Hey! The Battle of Blogfodder! I was there!
December 11, 2013 at 11:13 am
Living it.
December 12, 2013 at 3:11 pm
At any point in the battle have you seen yourself losing, then yelled out “NOOOOOOOOO!!!” and fought for victory?
Yeah, me too.
December 11, 2013 at 6:14 am
Well, I had no plans to ever see this movie OR the sequel, so thanks for this quick recap to confirm my initial instincts. 3 hour LOTR was enough for me, thanks. Did I mention the hubs fell asleep around hour 2 of that movie? Yeah.
December 12, 2013 at 3:12 pm
The first half hour I thought “I don’t know what everyone’s complaining about…”. Then about an hour and a half later it really sunk in. “Oh. This.”
December 11, 2013 at 6:56 am
Okaayyyy …. that all seems pretty plausible.
December 11, 2013 at 7:05 am
A thousand times yes. Possibly the best recap of this travesty of a Jacksonism ever.
December 12, 2013 at 3:12 pm
LOTR, regardless of changes, seemed so sincere. This feels like such a cash-in.
December 17, 2013 at 12:04 pm
My sentiments exactly! Making The Hobbit into a trilogy of movies was a real money-making give-away. Blech. 😦
December 11, 2013 at 7:25 am
Penny’s in love with you just a little bit, darling! She’s the president of the “Tolkien Is a Lazy, Unimaginative Prat Society”.
June 11, 2014 at 7:54 pm
Ooh, now I think that’s going a bit too far!
December 11, 2013 at 7:53 am
Haha! Awesome recap. One less movie I have to watch now. 🙂
December 11, 2013 at 9:57 am
Why are there 12 dwarves to recover the gold from Smaug, but 60 years later during the War of the Ring the entire dwarven nation contributes Gimli and NO ONE ELSE? They’re like: “Oh, the fate of Middle Earth is at stake? Well, here’s one guy. Hope he makes a difference.”
December 12, 2013 at 3:13 pm
You’ve got to have priorities. “World’s in jeopardy? But our money’s okay? Phew. Okay. Send a guy. I said A guy.”
December 12, 2013 at 6:55 pm
I always thought there were 12 “dwarves” in The Hobbit just so that Tolkien could call them “dwarves” instead of “dwarfs” for the rest of that book, thereby enshrining the word “dwarves” into the English language forever after…or maybe, he didn’t want to get nailed for copyright infringement by the Brothers Grimm Estate for using the “d” word without mentioning “Seven” or “Snow White.”
December 11, 2013 at 10:42 am
Thanks for that. I needed a refresher. Thank goodness no one got hurt or killed since they have two more movies to make. I hope they pick up the pace a bit in the next one! And, of course, we get to see that dragon!
December 12, 2013 at 3:13 pm
I suspect the second part will actually be better, because it involves the actual action of the source material. Still not 3 hours worth, but it’s something.
December 11, 2013 at 11:16 am
I just reread the book, the only one of Tolkien’s that I was ever able to get all the way through. We first read it in 7th grade and the page-after-page of teeny, tiny print turned my eyeballs to jelly even then, before I became old and feeble. The handsomely glowering dwarves of the movies are just a bit different from my take on them from the book. In fact, just about everybody is just a bit different from the book; much sexier and gloweryer in general.
Thanks for this wonderful review that will save me all the long lines at the box=office.
December 12, 2013 at 3:14 pm
It felt, in the movie, like they’re trying really, really hard to make Thorin the Dwarf the new Aragorn. I don’t see a lot of swooning coming up for Thorin, though.
December 11, 2013 at 11:36 am
You forgot the eagles. I want the eagles!
December 12, 2013 at 3:15 pm
No, they’re there. Riiiiight at the end, just like the movie; and no sooner, when they could have been really useful.
December 11, 2013 at 1:32 pm
“Despite the fact that we’ve been attacked every single moment since I got out of my zip code, I think everything’s going to be fine from here on out.” — EXACTLY. If I had that kind of track record, I would turn the hell around, go home, lock the door, put on my pajamas, and never leave again.
December 12, 2013 at 3:15 pm
Maybe with an over-the-shoulder, “Oh, and Gandalf? Screw you, man.”
December 11, 2013 at 2:53 pm
I much prefer the LOTR books. The Hobbit wasn’t that long of a book to begin with; it did not need to be split into three movies. I could rant about that. But I won’t. No, I won’t rant about how Saruman isn’t IN the Hobbit book, and about how they did the troll scene all wrong, and Radagast wasn’t in the book either, nor his sonic rabbit sled, and….not ranting. Not ranting. No.
December 12, 2013 at 3:17 pm
Ugh, the Troll scene. FINALLY, I thought, a great scene from the book…
Apparently Viggo Mortensen was even approached about appearing in it and was the only one to say, “Uh, this one takes place 60 years before LOTR. That wouldn’t make any sense.”
December 17, 2013 at 12:07 pm
Except that Aragorn was like 80+ in LOTR… 😉 Just didn’t look it since he was Numenorian or some such word I just made up.
December 17, 2013 at 2:26 pm
True, but it’s pretty unlikely that he’d look even remotely the same. Maybe he aged really fast to 40, then just froze…
December 17, 2013 at 5:50 pm
Probably right. 🙂
December 11, 2013 at 6:11 pm
Reblogged this on Swirls of Truth and commented:
Makes me laugh so hard.
December 11, 2013 at 8:13 pm
Also, the tree is on fire. Whatever.
Hahahahahah I can’t. I’m a huge fan of The Hobbit (the book and the movie) but this was so brilliant I was giggling like a loon. Love it. I’m honestly showing this to everyone I know.
December 12, 2013 at 3:20 pm
I’m a fan of the book, for sure. And reeeeeeally wanted to like the film… Maybe part two…
December 11, 2013 at 8:29 pm
I love the Hobbit book, but the movie was ugh. I hate I find this post humorous, but I blame Peter Jackson and his stupid white orc for that, not Tolkien.
December 12, 2013 at 3:18 pm
Absolutely. The book is fun, slim, and creative. Jackson just wanted to re-create the grandeur of LOTR so badly he sacrificed the source material, instead of honoring it.
December 12, 2013 at 5:27 pm
This. Exactly. It makes me sad because I adore the LOTR movies. I want but don’t want to see the new movie as I’m afraid it’ll break my heart again to see the Hobbit so mutilated.
December 31, 2013 at 11:17 am
Completely agree. It seems as if Jackson knows that he is a incredible director and has reached his apex and no longer NEEDS to prove he is good anymore, so he makes a movie without putting in as much effort or original creativity as the LOTR movies and believes that since he made both of them, the Hobbit will have the same result as LOTR. Shame…
December 11, 2013 at 11:16 pm
Reblogged this on a fiend of awesome and commented:
As we prepare for tomorrow’s release of the new Hobbit movie, let’s reflect on what happened in the first one, thanks to the Byronic Man’s handy recap.
December 12, 2013 at 4:38 am
As a Jacksonian and rabid fan-girl, I unsheathed Orcrist as I started to read…then fell over in my chair laughing and farting (a dwarfish affliction).
“…dwarves suck and you suck and Hobbits smell like cheese” is a direct quote from Tolkein, I’m sure of it.
And anyway, Richard Armitage is much too majestic to get into any REAL trouble until the third movie. So stick that in your cheesy pipe and smoke it!
December 12, 2013 at 3:19 pm
I’ve always been a Jackson fan, which made this all the more disappointing to me. It certainly had its moments, but…
December 13, 2013 at 7:35 am
Good thing I read this today now I can forget about going to the movie tonight and go to that Christmas party I was trying to avoid. Ho. Ho. Ho.
December 19, 2013 at 5:38 pm
(sound of angel getting its wings)
I loved this, dude! I laughed so hard.
June 11, 2014 at 7:53 pm
I haven’t seen these Hobbit movies, but if this is even slightly representative of what they are like, then I’m glad. I love the LOTR, both book and flims, but I had a bad feeling about these Hobbit movies from the get go. Not to mention that The Hobbit as a book is a far cry from the LOTR books.
June 22, 2014 at 2:18 pm
I gave up after the first one. 45 minutes in you feel like “hey, what’s everyone so chuffed about?” but then…