The 5-Minute Hobbit

December 11, 2013

Film, Humor

The second installment in the Hobbit films comes out on Friday  And maybe you’re interested in seeing it, but don’t want to commit 3+ hours to watching or re-watching the first one.  And so I provide The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey: The 5-Minute Version.

 

SCENE 1: Bilbo Baggins’ Home

There is a knock at the door. Bilbo opens it, and outside are a bunch of dwarves clowning around; Gandalf the wizard; and a solemn, glowering dwarf, Thorin, who scowls at everyone.

Bilbo: Who are you?  What do you want?

Gandalf: You must come on an adventure with us to kill a dragon and help Thorin reclaim his place as king of the dwarves.

Dare you question a dwarf who glowers so royally?

Dare you question a dwarf who glowers so royally?

Thorin: I have failed and all is dark and such.  Luckily, I slayed a giant orc guy who killed my father, so he’s definitely dead.

CUT TO: drawn out scene of giant battle against orcs and Thorin probably, almost certainly, kills a Big, Giant Orc.  He cuts off his hand, that’s for sure.

Gandalf: Uh, yeah.  He’s sure dead.

Bilbo:  No, Hobbits hate adventure!  Well, okay.  Shall we go?

Thorin: Come if you must, Hobbit, but you are small and weak and useless.  You will never help us in any way or demonstrate any courage.

Dwarf 2: Like that time you showed courage at the Battle of Applebobbin?

CUT TO: Lengthy scene of dwarves fighting thousands of Orcs.  Thorin shows courage.

Bilbo leaves with the dwarves and Gandalf. They are immediately attacked by several thousand snarling creatures.  Luckily they defeat the enemy and no one is hurt or killed.

Dwarf 3: That was close.  Almost as close as the Battle of Blogfodder.

CUT TO: extended scene of thousands of people fighting snarling orcs with lots of beheadings. 

SCENE 2: The party enters the mystical Elvish city of Rivendell.

Gandalf: Hi, is Elrond here?

Elf: No.

Elrond: I’m home!

Gandalf: Oh, good!  And there’s the mystical elf Galadriel!  And, hey, here comes the White Wizard Saruman!  Wow! It is literally unbelievable that all these people have showed up just now!

Saruman: Let’s talk at great length about this trip you’re on with the dwarves.

Gandalf:  We have to kill the dragon because I feel a dark power rising.

Saruman: That’s stupid.  There’s no dark power rising and dwarves suck and you suck and Hobbits smell like cheese.

Gandalf looks at Galadriel and rolls his eyes.

Galadriel (telepathically speaking with Gandalf): I hate Saruman.

Gandalf (telepathically): Me too.  He’s such a jerk.

For that matter, why am I being such a jerk?  One might think my turn to evil would be more tragic if I weren't already awful.

“Say, why AM I being such a jerk? One might think my turn to evil would be more tragic if I weren’t already awful.”

Saruman: Hey, why are you being such dicks to me?  I’m still a good guy, you know.  There’s no way you could know I’m going to turn evil in 60 years when Lord of the Rings happens.

Elrond:  So what do you want, Gandalf?

Gandalf: I need someone to read this Dwarvish map.

Elrod: You need an Elf to read the Dwarf map?  Sure, that makes sense.  Let’s see.  Um, it says that the location of the door to the cave will only be visible on the map when the stars match the exact formation of the night the map was created, 2,000 years ago.  Which, oh!  Just happens to be right now at this very moment!

Gandalf: Oh, come on.  Are you fucking kidding me?

SCENE 3:  The party makes there way through the mountains.

Bilbo: Bit rainy today.

Thorin: Quiet, you stupid Hobbit.  You have no business being here and you will never, ever, ever, ever do something that makes me change my mind.

Suddenly the mountains start crumbling and moving.  Huge boulders avalanche over the party.  The mountains are giants that start hitting each other.  Luckily no one is killed or even hurt.

Everyone ducks in to a cave.  Immediately, the ground cracks open and they all plummet hundreds and hundreds of feet, slamming against the rocks.  Luckily, no one is killed or even hurt.

"An entire mountain is throwing boulders at us! I hope no one gets even so much as a bruise!"

“An entire mountain is throwing boulders at us! I sure hope no one gets even so much as a bruise!”

Suddenly, they are attacked by thousands upon thousands of goblins who swarm over every surface of the Goblin City.  Luckily the heroes are able to defeat them and get away without anyone being killed, or even hurt.

SCENE 4: A cave.

The dwarves, separated from Bilbo, find a sack of swords.  They go through each sword, all of which they recognize by name, and we cut to stories of the swords being used in huge battles.

Bilbo:  Hi, I’m back.  I just played riddles with Gollum and got a ring.

Thorin: Your ring means nothing, pathetic Hobbit.  I have here a written, notarized statement, swearing before God that you will never do anything that makes me respect you.

SCENE 5: A forest near a cliff.

A giant Orc with a missing hand attacks the party with his Orc army.  It is the Orc who killed Thorin’s father.

Thorin: You!

Big, Giant Orc: Yes!  I have decided to hunt you down and kill you just now, for some reason!  Die! Die! Die!

Thorin charges the Big, Giant Orc.  The other dwarves, running from the Orc army and their steeds, climb up a tree.  The Orcs and the steeds try to get up the tree.  Then the tree starts to fall of a cliff.

Also the tree is on fire.  Whatever.

Also the tree is on fire.  Whatever.

The Big, Giant Orc knocks out Thorin and is about to kill him when – and you are NOT going to believe this – Bilbo jumps in front of the orcs and protects Thorin.

Dwarf 5: Hurray for that incredibly predictable development!  But we’re still doomed!

Gandalf: I’ve got it!  I’ll catch this butterfly, and whisper to him, and he’ll bring the giant eagles to rescue us!

Dwarf 6: Oh, you mean kind of like you did in that scene in Lord Of The Rings?

Gandalf: No.  I mean exactly like I did in that scene in Lord of the Rings.

SCENE 6: Forest floor.

Thorin:  Well, Bilbo, in a shocking turn, I now see that bravery can come from small beings.  Which you’d think I’d know, being a dwarf and all.

Dwarves: Yaaayyyy!

Bilbo: Thanks.  Let’s keep going.  Despite the fact that we’ve been attacked every single moment since I got out of my zip code, I think everything’s going to be fine from here on out.

Dwarf 3: You do remember we’re going to fight a dragon, right?

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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75 Comments on “The 5-Minute Hobbit”

  1. prettyvacantpirate Says:

    Glad I never finished watching the film! This is much more entertaining…

    Reply

  2. BrainRants Says:

    That saves me the $1,239.82 for a theater viewing. Thanks!

    Reply

  3. rachelocal Says:

    You forgot the part where Bilbo is scared a lot and hides because he’s a tiny hobbitses but doesn’t get killed or even hurt.

    Reply

  4. Twindaddy Says:

    That about sums it up.

    Reply

  5. Exile on Pain Street Says:

    Thanks! That was very helpful and surprisingly accurate. You get a gold star for the battle names. That’s very funny.

    I saw an animated spoof of Lord of the Rings (I think it was on SNL) and the entire movie consisted of a giant eagle flying Frodo and Sam over Mount Doom where they drop the ring in. Afterwards, they laugh and say, “Good thing we didn’t walk all that way. That would have taken forever!”

    Reply

  6. donofalltrades Says:

    Is that the one where they eat all the little guy’s food in the beginning? I fell asleep watching something that sounded like this movie you describe so thank you for the refresher, sir.

    Reply

  7. She's a Maineiac Says:

    “No, Hobbits hate adventure! Well, okay. Shall we go?” — see, so much could have been avoided if he had listened to his gut instinct from the beginning.

    This was hilarious and I’m also thankful I finally know what this hobbit bidnezz was all about. I have never read a single word of any of the books or seen any of the movies.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I know it’s an important part of The Hero’s Journey that the hero refuse the adventure, then agree to go, but ideally there’s a reason. Not just, “Eh, sure.”

      Reply

    • JudahFirst Says:

      I’m so sorry to hear that, Maineiac! Unlike the disaster film, “The Hobbit”, the movies based on “The Lord of the Rings” ALMOST came close to being as wonderful as the books! (I never really liked the book “The Hobbit” either.) I think I have read The Lord of the Rings trilogy 5 or so times, and still plan to do it again … and again. Classic greatness.

      Reply

  8. Go Jules Go Says:

    Hey! The Battle of Blogfodder! I was there!

    Reply

  9. mistyslaws Says:

    Well, I had no plans to ever see this movie OR the sequel, so thanks for this quick recap to confirm my initial instincts. 3 hour LOTR was enough for me, thanks. Did I mention the hubs fell asleep around hour 2 of that movie? Yeah.

    Reply

  10. angelajardine Says:

    Okaayyyy …. that all seems pretty plausible.

    Reply

  11. becomingcliche Says:

    A thousand times yes. Possibly the best recap of this travesty of a Jacksonism ever.

    Reply

  12. Helena Hann-Basquiat Says:

    Penny’s in love with you just a little bit, darling! She’s the president of the “Tolkien Is a Lazy, Unimaginative Prat Society”.

    Reply

  13. Michelle Says:

    Haha! Awesome recap. One less movie I have to watch now. 🙂

    Reply

  14. Distinguished Malcontent Says:

    Why are there 12 dwarves to recover the gold from Smaug, but 60 years later during the War of the Ring the entire dwarven nation contributes Gimli and NO ONE ELSE? They’re like: “Oh, the fate of Middle Earth is at stake? Well, here’s one guy. Hope he makes a difference.”

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      You’ve got to have priorities. “World’s in jeopardy? But our money’s okay? Phew. Okay. Send a guy. I said A guy.”

      Reply

      • Paul G. Eberlein Says:

        I always thought there were 12 “dwarves” in The Hobbit just so that Tolkien could call them “dwarves” instead of “dwarfs” for the rest of that book, thereby enshrining the word “dwarves” into the English language forever after…or maybe, he didn’t want to get nailed for copyright infringement by the Brothers Grimm Estate for using the “d” word without mentioning “Seven” or “Snow White.”

        Reply

  15. The Bumble Files Says:

    Thanks for that. I needed a refresher. Thank goodness no one got hurt or killed since they have two more movies to make. I hope they pick up the pace a bit in the next one! And, of course, we get to see that dragon!

    Reply

  16. pegoleg Says:

    I just reread the book, the only one of Tolkien’s that I was ever able to get all the way through. We first read it in 7th grade and the page-after-page of teeny, tiny print turned my eyeballs to jelly even then, before I became old and feeble. The handsomely glowering dwarves of the movies are just a bit different from my take on them from the book. In fact, just about everybody is just a bit different from the book; much sexier and gloweryer in general.

    Thanks for this wonderful review that will save me all the long lines at the box=office.

    Reply

  17. Teepee12 Says:

    You forgot the eagles. I want the eagles!

    Reply

  18. PinotNinja Says:

    “Despite the fact that we’ve been attacked every single moment since I got out of my zip code, I think everything’s going to be fine from here on out.” — EXACTLY. If I had that kind of track record, I would turn the hell around, go home, lock the door, put on my pajamas, and never leave again.

    Reply

  19. Michael Says:

    I much prefer the LOTR books. The Hobbit wasn’t that long of a book to begin with; it did not need to be split into three movies. I could rant about that. But I won’t. No, I won’t rant about how Saruman isn’t IN the Hobbit book, and about how they did the troll scene all wrong, and Radagast wasn’t in the book either, nor his sonic rabbit sled, and….not ranting. Not ranting. No.

    Reply

  20. frostythelindo Says:

    Reblogged this on Swirls of Truth and commented:
    Makes me laugh so hard.

    Reply

  21. cappy writes Says:

    Also, the tree is on fire. Whatever.
    Hahahahahah I can’t. I’m a huge fan of The Hobbit (the book and the movie) but this was so brilliant I was giggling like a loon. Love it. I’m honestly showing this to everyone I know.

    Reply

  22. sarah9188 Says:

    I love the Hobbit book, but the movie was ugh. I hate I find this post humorous, but I blame Peter Jackson and his stupid white orc for that, not Tolkien.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Absolutely. The book is fun, slim, and creative. Jackson just wanted to re-create the grandeur of LOTR so badly he sacrificed the source material, instead of honoring it.

      Reply

      • sarah9188 Says:

        This. Exactly. It makes me sad because I adore the LOTR movies. I want but don’t want to see the new movie as I’m afraid it’ll break my heart again to see the Hobbit so mutilated.

        Reply

        • James Thorne Says:

          Completely agree. It seems as if Jackson knows that he is a incredible director and has reached his apex and no longer NEEDS to prove he is good anymore, so he makes a movie without putting in as much effort or original creativity as the LOTR movies and believes that since he made both of them, the Hobbit will have the same result as LOTR. Shame…

          Reply

  23. Jackie Dana Says:

    Reblogged this on a fiend of awesome and commented:

    As we prepare for tomorrow’s release of the new Hobbit movie, let’s reflect on what happened in the first one, thanks to the Byronic Man’s handy recap.

    Reply

  24. Sandy Sue Says:

    As a Jacksonian and rabid fan-girl, I unsheathed Orcrist as I started to read…then fell over in my chair laughing and farting (a dwarfish affliction).
    “…dwarves suck and you suck and Hobbits smell like cheese” is a direct quote from Tolkein, I’m sure of it.
    And anyway, Richard Armitage is much too majestic to get into any REAL trouble until the third movie. So stick that in your cheesy pipe and smoke it!

    Reply

  25. silkpurseproductions Says:

    Good thing I read this today now I can forget about going to the movie tonight and go to that Christmas party I was trying to avoid. Ho. Ho. Ho.

    Reply

  26. Cimmorene Says:

    (sound of angel getting its wings)

    I loved this, dude! I laughed so hard.

    Reply

  27. walt walker Says:

    I haven’t seen these Hobbit movies, but if this is even slightly representative of what they are like, then I’m glad. I love the LOTR, both book and flims, but I had a bad feeling about these Hobbit movies from the get go. Not to mention that The Hobbit as a book is a far cry from the LOTR books.

    Reply

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