The second installment in the Hobbit films comes out on Friday And maybe you’re interested in seeing it, but don’t want to commit 3+ hours to watching or re-watching the first one. And so I provide The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey: The 5-Minute Version.
SCENE 1: Bilbo Baggins’ Home
There is a knock at the door. Bilbo opens it, and outside are a bunch of dwarves clowning around; Gandalf the wizard; and a solemn, glowering dwarf, Thorin, who scowls at everyone.
Bilbo: Who are you? What do you want?
Gandalf: You must come on an adventure with us to kill a dragon and help Thorin reclaim his place as king of the dwarves.
Thorin: I have failed and all is dark and such. Luckily, I slayed a giant orc guy who killed my father, so he’s definitely dead.
CUT TO: drawn out scene of giant battle against orcs and Thorin probably, almost certainly, kills a Big, Giant Orc. He cuts off his hand, that’s for sure.
Gandalf: Uh, yeah. He’s sure dead.
Bilbo: No, Hobbits hate adventure! Well, okay. Shall we go?
Thorin: Come if you must, Hobbit, but you are small and weak and useless. You will never help us in any way or demonstrate any courage.
Dwarf 2: Like that time you showed courage at the Battle of Applebobbin?
CUT TO: Lengthy scene of dwarves fighting thousands of Orcs. Thorin shows courage.
Bilbo leaves with the dwarves and Gandalf. They are immediately attacked by several thousand snarling creatures. Luckily they defeat the enemy and no one is hurt or killed.
Dwarf 3: That was close. Almost as close as the Battle of Blogfodder.
CUT TO: extended scene of thousands of people fighting snarling orcs with lots of beheadings.
SCENE 2: The party enters the mystical Elvish city of Rivendell.
Gandalf: Hi, is Elrond here?
Elrond: I’m home!
Gandalf: Oh, good! And there’s the mystical elf Galadriel! And, hey, here comes the White Wizard Saruman! Wow! It is literally unbelievable that all these people have showed up just now!
Saruman: Let’s talk at great length about this trip you’re on with the dwarves.
Gandalf: We have to kill the dragon because I feel a dark power rising.
Saruman: That’s stupid. There’s no dark power rising and dwarves suck and you suck and Hobbits smell like cheese.
Gandalf looks at Galadriel and rolls his eyes.
Galadriel (telepathically speaking with Gandalf): I hate Saruman.
Gandalf (telepathically): Me too. He’s such a jerk.
Saruman: Hey, why are you being such dicks to me? I’m still a good guy, you know. There’s no way you could know I’m going to turn evil in 60 years when Lord of the Rings happens.
Elrond: So what do you want, Gandalf?
Gandalf: I need someone to read this Dwarvish map.
Elrod: You need an Elf to read the Dwarf map? Sure, that makes sense. Let’s see. Um, it says that the location of the door to the cave will only be visible on the map when the stars match the exact formation of the night the map was created, 2,000 years ago. Which, oh! Just happens to be right now at this very moment!
Gandalf: Oh, come on. Are you fucking kidding me?
SCENE 3: The party makes there way through the mountains.
Bilbo: Bit rainy today.
Thorin: Quiet, you stupid Hobbit. You have no business being here and you will never, ever, ever, ever do something that makes me change my mind.
Suddenly the mountains start crumbling and moving. Huge boulders avalanche over the party. The mountains are giants that start hitting each other. Luckily no one is killed or even hurt.
Everyone ducks in to a cave. Immediately, the ground cracks open and they all plummet hundreds and hundreds of feet, slamming against the rocks. Luckily, no one is killed or even hurt.
Suddenly, they are attacked by thousands upon thousands of goblins who swarm over every surface of the Goblin City. Luckily the heroes are able to defeat them and get away without anyone being killed, or even hurt.
SCENE 4: A cave.
The dwarves, separated from Bilbo, find a sack of swords. They go through each sword, all of which they recognize by name, and we cut to stories of the swords being used in huge battles.
Bilbo: Hi, I’m back. I just played riddles with Gollum and got a ring.
Thorin: Your ring means nothing, pathetic Hobbit. I have here a written, notarized statement, swearing before God that you will never do anything that makes me respect you.
SCENE 5: A forest near a cliff.
A giant Orc with a missing hand attacks the party with his Orc army. It is the Orc who killed Thorin’s father.
Big, Giant Orc: Yes! I have decided to hunt you down and kill you just now, for some reason! Die! Die! Die!
Thorin charges the Big, Giant Orc. The other dwarves, running from the Orc army and their steeds, climb up a tree. The Orcs and the steeds try to get up the tree. Then the tree starts to fall of a cliff.
The Big, Giant Orc knocks out Thorin and is about to kill him when – and you are NOT going to believe this – Bilbo jumps in front of the orcs and protects Thorin.
Dwarf 5: Hurray for that incredibly predictable development! But we’re still doomed!
Gandalf: I’ve got it! I’ll catch this butterfly, and whisper to him, and he’ll bring the giant eagles to rescue us!
Dwarf 6: Oh, you mean kind of like you did in that scene in Lord Of The Rings?
Gandalf: No. I mean exactly like I did in that scene in Lord of the Rings.
SCENE 6: Forest floor.
Thorin: Well, Bilbo, in a shocking turn, I now see that bravery can come from small beings. Which you’d think I’d know, being a dwarf and all.
Bilbo: Thanks. Let’s keep going. Despite the fact that we’ve been attacked every single moment since I got out of my zip code, I think everything’s going to be fine from here on out.
Dwarf 3: You do remember we’re going to fight a dragon, right?