Look, there’s no question about it. This situation in Syria is complicated and disturbing, top to bottom, start to finish. And anyone who says they know exactly what to do either doesn’t have all the information, or is lying.
Which is why you need me. Because I know exactly what to do.
But don’t just take my word for it. Why should you please hire me to solve the Syrian crisis?
Shown here: Syria. Probably.
I can find Syria on a map. If someone asks where it is, I’ll look at a map and say, “Duh. It’s right there.” And wave my hand in the general vicinity west of Iran.
Ice-breakers will be no problem, because I’ve got a bunch of “You might be from As-Sukhnah if…” jokes I’ve been waiting to break out.
I have an 11-month old who is ridiculously cute. If she starts giggling everyone in the region will be all, “Oh, I can’t stay mad.”
Two words: Motivational rap.
Did you SEE this week’s episode?? Holy mother of crap!! I haven’t exhaled or stopped peeing myself in 3 days!
If the topic of sarin comes up, I’ll mention ricin, which will turn the conversation to Breaking Bad, and you bet your ass that’s all anyone will be talking about from then on.
There’s a lot of question about military intervention. Obviously, this has a terrible dark side. But if we sent in troops with t-shirt cannons and paintball guns? All smiles.
People have thought I was a lot of different nationalities, including once, two Turkish people thought I was Turkish. And that’s near Syria. And that probably counts for something.
I found this cool graphic online. So, it looks like there’s 13 problems. Couple days of good focus, easy.
When the topic turns to the civil war, and Assad’s attacks, I’ll point out that “War is bad for children and other living things.” And we’ll all have a good think on that.
One of the dangers of ousting Assad is opening the field to even more dangerous extremists. But if, in the process of running for president, we included a “Are you dangerous?” checkbox? Problem: solved.
I’ll bring a lot of shrimp and different dipping sauces. If the conversation gets tense, I’ll just loudly turn the conversation to the shrimp until everyone forgets what we were talking about. Because everyone loves shrimp, and if anyone doesn’t you can be all, “Say whaaaat? Who doesn’t like shrimp? That’s crazy talk!”
Hey, Syria’s not in the middle east, is it? Oh, shit. Really?
The president’s name isn’t pronounced “Ah-SAHD” it’s pronounced “AH-sahd.” When I say it correctly, bingo. We’re buddies and he listens to everything I say.
I can try to make them see the, um… the thing with… what was I saying? Sorry, I just keep thinking about Breaking Bad.
The Byronic Man 
September 12, 2013 at 3:35 am
Reblogged this on Blog of an e-marketer by Main Uddin.
September 12, 2013 at 4:19 am
Hey, did you go to diplomat school? So it would seem from your acute observations about the world outside your backyard. You should come here to New York. I’ll walk you around the Upper East Side to all the UN diplomat residences and you can drop off your resume. Wait until you see the townhouse the Polish diplomat lives in! It’s real estate catnip.
September 12, 2013 at 6:15 am
I took a crash course in diplomacy in college. It was held in my apartment where I lived with two guys who didn’t like each other.
September 13, 2013 at 2:23 am
aka Bong Risk.
September 12, 2013 at 4:25 am
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Like, now: baby giggles could very well be the key to world peace. Yay, K-Bean!
September 12, 2013 at 6:16 am
Right now she’s in to making noises, especially the b-b-b-b-b-b-b noise when you wiggle your finger in your mouth. One of my favorite things is if I start doing that, or patting her mouth, she starts making sounds so it will do the motorboat noise.
September 12, 2013 at 4:28 am
Brilliant. And I could help. I know probably 20 words of Arabic including please, thank you, and “too expensive.” And not only can I find Syria on a map, I know which road to take to get there from Jerusalem — the short way. AND I’m old, which must be worth something, right? One cute kid, one adorable senior citizen? No one could resist that one-two punch!
September 12, 2013 at 6:24 am
We’ll be sure to find out quick if the venerate seniors or not. Hopefully they’re a little more South Korea, a little less North Korea about it.
September 12, 2013 at 4:38 am
I’m still reeling from Game of Thrones…
September 12, 2013 at 6:19 am
Hm, never heard of it. Maybe if they spiced up the politics with a bit of nudity, maybe a little violence, more people would watch. Or maybe scene after scene after scene after scene after scene of Theon being tortured…
September 16, 2013 at 9:42 pm
Well, Anthony Weiner tried to spice up politics with a bit of nudity, but people didn’t appreciate his efforts at all.
September 12, 2013 at 5:45 am
You’re hired. Nobody else has figured out a solution.
September 12, 2013 at 6:21 am
Doesn’t it feel like the whole world is waiting for someone – anyone – to suddenly slap his/her forehead and say, “Oh! I know!”
So far the best we’ve got seems to be Russia’s approach of treating it like Assad is chewing gum in class.
September 12, 2013 at 6:22 am
I agree. If they want to take care of it, fine with me!
September 12, 2013 at 5:48 am
I like your shrimp strategy. And, it’s possible that Syria is a landlocked desert country (maybe?), so shrimp might be a new discovery and/or a delicacy. You will be like their Magellen!
September 16, 2013 at 11:36 am
“I present to you… large sea insects! No, really, they’re good.”
September 12, 2013 at 8:35 am
If all else fails, darling, you can do your best Helen Lovejoy impression and scream “Won’t somebody think of the children?”
Go Byronic or go home, that’s what I say.
September 16, 2013 at 11:37 am
I suspect, sadly, many of those children are well armed and thoroughly indoctrinated at this point…
September 12, 2013 at 1:33 pm
I don’t like shrimp myself. But then, a Shrimp Strategy is better than some of the other strategies I’ve read about….
September 16, 2013 at 11:37 am
*sigh* There’s always one…
September 12, 2013 at 2:50 pm
A.) You’ve got mad map skills vis a vis realizing that Syria is somewhere on it.
and
B) The President thinks it will take a lying Russian to solve this, and you channel the spirit of Stalin.
You’re hired.
September 16, 2013 at 11:40 am
My theory: It was all planned between the US & Russia. The timeline –
1. Russia embarrasses us on the international stage – we look weak, they look like thugs.
2. It’s no win with Syria – if we act, everything’s terrible, if we don’t, it’s like sanctioning further war crimes.
3. Russia & US have a summit meeting.
4. Suddenly US declares its intentions to intervene, and Russia proposes a diplomatic alternative to us rolling in there.
September 18, 2013 at 12:39 pm
Yeah, Diplomatic Intercessor is kind of a new role for Russia, innit?
September 12, 2013 at 3:51 pm
You should run for office
September 16, 2013 at 11:42 am
I’d spend my entire time in office going door to door of the people who didn’t vote for me, asking why they don’t like me.
September 16, 2013 at 2:26 pm
I find myself wanting to do the same thing to people who don’t follow my blog…what the hell
September 13, 2013 at 7:47 am
Reblogged this on thegoodenoughlover and commented:
The seriousness of War could always use a lighter side. I would Hire Him to solve the Syrian Crisis.
September 13, 2013 at 7:49 am
You had me at paintball invasion. Let’s do that!
September 16, 2013 at 11:42 am
Or pillow fights. Either or.
September 13, 2013 at 12:26 pm
“War is bad for children and other living things.” You are a platitude dude. A plati-dude!
September 14, 2013 at 6:37 am
Lots of stellar ideas, especially the “Are you Dangerous” check-box. Great!
September 14, 2013 at 7:09 am
I figure, just in case, there could be a back-up, “Well, would other, sane, people consider you dangerous?”
September 16, 2013 at 2:33 am
I have come here a bit late but “anyone who says they know exactly what to do either doesn’t have all the information, or is lying” is still 100% relevant.
I can’t wait for your proposed script, that was obviously in your head during the writing of this post, entitled “Breaking Assad”.
September 16, 2013 at 11:43 am
Hopefully it will have a happier ending than the series is shaping up to.
September 16, 2013 at 9:47 am
The ridiculously cute 11-month old giggling works for me every time. You’re hired.
September 16, 2013 at 11:43 am
Plus, she’s in to handing people things. Who can be mad when a baby hands you something and then claps when you take it?
September 22, 2013 at 1:35 pm
Let’s make her Secretary of Defense and get rid of ” Is that really John Kerry? mmmm.
September 22, 2013 at 1:36 pm
OOps Secretary of State…my bad :).