Please Hire Me To Solve The Syrian Crisis

September 12, 2013


Look, there’s no question about it.  This situation in Syria is complicated and disturbing, top to bottom, start to finish.  And anyone who says they know exactly what to do either doesn’t have all the information, or is lying.

Which is why you need me.  Because I know exactly what to do.

But don’t just take my word for it.  Why should you please hire me to solve the Syrian crisis?

Shown here: Syria.  Probably.

Shown here: Syria. Probably.

I can find Syria on a map.  If someone asks where it is, I’ll look at a map and say, “Duh. It’s right there.” And wave my hand in the general vicinity west of Iran.

Ice-breakers will be no problem, because I’ve got a bunch of “You might be from As-Sukhnah if…” jokes I’ve been waiting to break out.

I have an 11-month old who is ridiculously cute.  If she starts giggling everyone in the region will be all, “Oh, I can’t stay mad.”

Two words: Motivational rap.

Did you SEE this week's episode??  Holy mother of crap!!  I haven't exhaled or stopped peeing myself in 3 days!

Did you SEE this week’s episode?? Holy mother of crap!! I haven’t exhaled or stopped peeing myself in 3 days!

If the topic of sarin comes up, I’ll mention ricin, which will turn the conversation to Breaking Bad, and you bet your ass that’s all anyone will be talking about from then on.

There’s a lot of question about military intervention.  Obviously, this has a terrible dark side.  But if we sent in troops with t-shirt cannons and paintball guns? All smiles.

People have thought I was a lot of different nationalities, including once, two Turkish people thought I was Turkish. And that’s near Syria.  And that probably counts for something.

I found this cool graphic online.  It looks like there's 13 problems.

I found this cool graphic online. So, it looks like there’s 13 problems.  Couple days of good focus, easy.

When the topic turns to the civil war, and Assad’s attacks, I’ll point out that “War is bad for children and other living things.” And we’ll all have a good think on that.

One of the dangers of ousting Assad is opening the field to even more dangerous extremists.  But if, in the process of running for president, we included a “Are you dangerous?” checkbox?  Problem: solved.

I’ll bring a lot of shrimp and different dipping sauces.  If the conversation gets tense, I’ll just loudly turn the conversation to the shrimp until everyone forgets what we were talking about.  Because everyone loves shrimp, and if anyone doesn’t you can be all, “Say whaaaat?  Who doesn’t like shrimp?  That’s crazy talk!”

Hey, Syria’s not in the middle east, is it?  Oh, shit.  Really?

The president’s name isn’t pronounced “Ah-SAHD” it’s pronounced “AH-sahd.”  When I say it correctly, bingo.  We’re buddies and he listens to everything I say.

I can try to make them see the, um… the thing with… what was I saying?  Sorry, I just keep thinking about Breaking Bad.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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38 Comments on “Please Hire Me To Solve The Syrian Crisis”

  1. Exile on Pain Street Says:

    Hey, did you go to diplomat school? So it would seem from your acute observations about the world outside your backyard. You should come here to New York. I’ll walk you around the Upper East Side to all the UN diplomat residences and you can drop off your resume. Wait until you see the townhouse the Polish diplomat lives in! It’s real estate catnip.


  2. Hippie Cahier Says:

    I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Like, now: baby giggles could very well be the key to world peace. Yay, K-Bean!


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Right now she’s in to making noises, especially the b-b-b-b-b-b-b noise when you wiggle your finger in your mouth. One of my favorite things is if I start doing that, or patting her mouth, she starts making sounds so it will do the motorboat noise.


  3. Teepee12 Says:

    Brilliant. And I could help. I know probably 20 words of Arabic including please, thank you, and “too expensive.” And not only can I find Syria on a map, I know which road to take to get there from Jerusalem — the short way. AND I’m old, which must be worth something, right? One cute kid, one adorable senior citizen? No one could resist that one-two punch!


  4. BrainRants Says:

    I’m still reeling from Game of Thrones…


  5. Elyse Says:

    You’re hired. Nobody else has figured out a solution.


  6. mistyslaws Says:

    I like your shrimp strategy. And, it’s possible that Syria is a landlocked desert country (maybe?), so shrimp might be a new discovery and/or a delicacy. You will be like their Magellen!


  7. Helena Hann-Basquiat Says:

    If all else fails, darling, you can do your best Helen Lovejoy impression and scream “Won’t somebody think of the children?”
    Go Byronic or go home, that’s what I say.


  8. Michael Says:

    I don’t like shrimp myself. But then, a Shrimp Strategy is better than some of the other strategies I’ve read about….


  9. pegoleg Says:

    A.) You’ve got mad map skills vis a vis realizing that Syria is somewhere on it.
    B) The President thinks it will take a lying Russian to solve this, and you channel the spirit of Stalin.

    You’re hired.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      My theory: It was all planned between the US & Russia. The timeline –
      1. Russia embarrasses us on the international stage – we look weak, they look like thugs.
      2. It’s no win with Syria – if we act, everything’s terrible, if we don’t, it’s like sanctioning further war crimes.
      3. Russia & US have a summit meeting.
      4. Suddenly US declares its intentions to intervene, and Russia proposes a diplomatic alternative to us rolling in there.


  10. thegoodenoughlover Says:

    Reblogged this on thegoodenoughlover and commented:
    The seriousness of War could always use a lighter side. I would Hire Him to solve the Syrian Crisis.


  11. becomingcliche Says:

    You had me at paintball invasion. Let’s do that!


  12. rossmurray1 Says:

    “War is bad for children and other living things.” You are a platitude dude. A plati-dude!


  13. Brown Road Chronicles Says:

    Lots of stellar ideas, especially the “Are you Dangerous” check-box. Great!


  14. Ape No. 1 Says:

    I have come here a bit late but “anyone who says they know exactly what to do either doesn’t have all the information, or is lying” is still 100% relevant.

    I can’t wait for your proposed script, that was obviously in your head during the writing of this post, entitled “Breaking Assad”.


  15. silkpurseproductions Says:

    The ridiculously cute 11-month old giggling works for me every time. You’re hired.


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