Secrets of Area 51: Revealed!

August 20, 2013

Humor

The US government has just formally, officially acknowledged the existence of Nevada’s infamous “Area 51” – where some believe an alien spacecraft crashed in the early 1950’s – saying that it was a base for the development of U2 spy planes. 

What does this acknowledgement mean?

This lovely couple can finally reveal that their last name isn't actually "Johnson."

This lovely couple can finally reveal that their last name isn’t actually “Johnson.”  It’s “Fredericks.”

The residents of Area 51 can finally get their mail that’s been backlogging for 60 years.

That all across the world, thousands of U2 fans are saying, “Oh, so that’s what the name means?”

The reason the UFO crashed?  Totally drunk.  Apparently the first words uttered to humanity as they aliens emerged from the wreckage was, “S’okay. S’okay.  Lemme jus’ back it up.  Ssshhhh.  S’okay.  Iss just a scratch.  ‘L polish right out. Ssshhhhh.”

The site is actually named for Lt. Col. Arnold Rea51.

Conspiracy theorists everywhere will be calling middle-of-the-night talk shows to say, “Well, the government said it’s for spy planes, so I guess that clears that up.  No aliens.  No cover up.”

It might mean Bono is a space alien. I’m not sure.

Some poor archivist has to go through 60 years of redacted documents with little pieces of tape and write “area 51” over the blackened places.

What?  Am I wrong?

What? Am I wrong?

Those poor aliens can finally leave Nevada and find out that they managed to crash in the worst area… well… anywhere.  Like, in the universe.

Wait a second, U2 spy planes?  That means that at some point in our history the US has been spying! On other countries!

What are they hiding at all the other “areas”?  50 more to go, US government!

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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30 Comments on “Secrets of Area 51: Revealed!”

  1. Michael Says:

    Next thing you know they’ll be opening up the warehouse with the Ark in it, where it’s being examined by top men. Top. Men.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      You know, the CIA should do that kind of thing on April Fool’s Day. Announce that the Ark is real. That they have Hitler’s brain in a Chimp. That they killed JFK.

      Okay, maybe not that last one.

      Reply

  2. Exile on Pain Street Says:

    I was just perusing the morning headlines in the New York Times and I don’t see this story anywhere. Are you sure this is accurate? Let me go check Fox News…

    Reply

  3. BrainRants Says:

    Great point about the fifty previous areas. I never even thought of that.

    Reply

  4. Go Jules Go Says:

    Do you think the locations got better or worse as they neared 50?

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I bet the first 30 were pretty good… then nice. Even 50 was fine, because they wanted symmetry with the # of state. But 51, they just said, “Ah, hell. Another one? Stick it in Nevada.”

      Reply

  5. Blogdramedy Says:

    Tour bus operators are busy re-writing their group tour schedule for the fall with this news.

    Reply

  6. moreissuesthantimemagazine Says:

    Hey there! I nominated you for The Very Inspiring Blogger Award. Please get the badges at http://wp.me/1Kc0N and follow the instructions!

    Reply

  7. battlewagon13 Says:

    I just want you to know. Once and for all. I’m in possession of Area 48. And you can’t have it.

    Reply

  8. Anka Says:

    And here I thought U2 stood for “you too.” I was certain Bono believed the audience was part of his music, too. Thanks for clarifying the ambiguity!

    Reply

  9. mistyslaws Says:

    And in related news . . . Steve Wynn plans to purchase the site from the government and turn it into a luxury hotel/casino/tourist destination.

    Reply

  10. thefoodandwinehedonist Says:

    “Oh, never mind.” – Said no conspiracy theorist. Ever.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      That’d be the best part of being a conspiracy theorist – everything validates your belief. “Here is concrete, irrefutable proof that Oswald killed JFK and acted alone.”
      “Well, there you go. Only the CIA could create this quality of false evidence.”

      Reply

  11. She's a Maineiac Says:

    The line “shhh…s’ okay, L polish right out…shhh” killed me. I am still laughing.

    And, yes, Bono is an alien. This is why you never see him without his freaky-deaky terminator shades.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      My wife and I went to a U2 concert last year and he took off the glasses! He sang a song for his father, who’d died, and he took off the glasses for it because, he said, his dad always hated the sunglasses gimmick. It was a surprisingly touching moment.

      Reply

  12. UndercoverL Says:

    I am really excited to find out what Camp Michaels is in central Utah. I hear it is like Area 50.75… or 51.25? Can’t remember.

    Reply

  13. stormy1812 Says:

    I’m not sure why it took them so long to acknowledge Area 51… they already did so in “Independence Day.” Sheesh. I have to admit for a minute there I was getting Area 51 confused with Roswell but that’s a whole other can of aliens. I’m all sorted out now. Thanks for correcting that for me.

    Reply

  14. kevinsterne Says:

    I’m still waiting for the Government to put our tax dollars to use and find Bigfoot. I think a third party candidate could run for office on that platform.

    Reply

  15. Elyse Says:

    Another crisis solved by that superhero, The Bryonic Man!

    Reply

  16. Teepee12 Says:

    You are one weird — and very funny — dude 🙂

    Reply

  17. Kat Says:

    Um, isn’t it well known that the aliens landed there for all of the available sex via prostitutes and brothels? I saw a sign for Area 51 right next to the brothel sign that advertised hot sauce and souvenirs. Hey, wait!! Maybe the aliens were looking for a new market for their sexcapades!! Who else would combine hot sauce with sex? And who else would attempt to sell sex in the middle of freaking nowhere??

    Reply

  18. Hippie Cahier Says:

    I’m glad I got to the archivist line before sipping my raspberry lemonade. *Spewing* is so overdone.

    Reply

  19. pegoleg Says:

    Now that Area 51 officially exists, I think the question on everyone’s mind is, is prostitution legal there?

    Reply

  20. Agent 54 Says:

    My NSA only spies on Americans for their own good and our own amusement. We’re all on the same team here. Trust us!

    http://agent54nsa.blogspot.com/

    I always thought they named Area 51 after Dick Butkus.

    Reply

  21. Angie Z. Says:

    I suspect that Jimmy Hoffa is also buried there, but the government can save that for another day.

    Reply

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