5 Things I’d Feel Mixed About Having Named After Me

August 14, 2013


And are the hay bales for me, too?  No?  Oh.

And are the hay bales for me, too? No? Oh.

1. A pump-house.  “Wow! A municipal building named after me!  A little… windowless shack… hidden from public view… that belches fluid.  For… me… wow…”

2. A disease.  You found it, you made a medical advancement… but now people have to be told in solemn voices that they’ve contracted… you.  Seems like scientists might see this as an opportunity to get back at bullies from their childhood.  “This puny, brainless ear parasite?  That’s you.”

There's a John Cleese Landfill in New Zealand.  What's up with that, Kiwis?

There’s a John Cleese Landfill in New Zealand. What’s up with that, Kiwis?

3. A landfill.  “As I stand here, on this lovely summer afternoon, I’m reminded –oh, Jesus the wind shifted!  Aagh! My eyes!  Oh, God, what the hell is that stench!?  Gyuuaarrrgh.  Anyway, thanks for throwing a bunch of broken, soiled, unwanted shit in the dirt and thinking of me.”

4. A gulch.  Just the sound.  Gulch.  Gulch, gulch, gulch.  River, lake, even a stream: all dignified and eternal.  A gulch: You did something, who cares what, here’s a gulch, don’t let it go to your head, no one really likes you because you look like someone whose pants smell bad.

5. A law.  If there’s a law named after you, either something happened to you, or you did something so bad people made a law to stop it from ever, ever happening again.

California has "the Tom Cruise law."  Think about it.

California has “the Tom Cruise law.” Think about it.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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65 Comments on “5 Things I’d Feel Mixed About Having Named After Me”

  1. Hippie Cahier Says:

    I had this thought when a scientist named a blood-sucking parasite after Bob Marley last year. It’s the thought that counts, I suppose. But still.

    A landfill? Really? What *is* up with that? Now I !have a need-to-know.


  2. Derek Zenith Says:

    What about a louse? Gary Larson has a member of the “chewing lice” named after him.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I’m sure he loves it, though, simply because it’s weird.

      Odd story: I met Gary Larson at a party once, but he denied it was him… sort of. I saw him and said to my wife, “I think that’s the cartoonist, Gary Larson.” (how obscure is that?)

      I went over and asked, and he said yes, we talked for a while and then he said, “Oh, but, of course, I’m not THAT Gary Larson, the cartoonist.” So… you’re telling me I saw a stranger, pulled “I think that’s a cartoonist whose been off the radar for 15 years” out of the air, that IS your name, but you’re claiming to be a DIFFERENT Gary Larson? Fine, I won’t ask you to draw anything. Whatever.


      • Derek Zenith Says:

        I don’t guess I’d mind having an animal named after me. So long as it wasn’t a goat.


      • Laura Says:

        I know someone who was working as a waiter years and years ago and got Gary Larson as a customer — apparently he was very nice and even doodled something on a napkin for my friend.

        But how is it that everyone knows what Gary Larson looks like? I was a huge Far Side fan and have no idea how he looks.


  3. PinotNinja Says:

    What about a sewage treatment plant? Kind of like a pumphouse, but worse.


  4. speaker7 Says:

    Having a storm named after you is pretty bad especially if you’re a dame because then all those mediocre newscasters get to say things like “Oh boy, that ______ sure is a bitch!”


  5. rachelocal Says:

    This is something I’ve given plenty of thought. I agree about the disease naming. And I would never want a prison named after me.


  6. Go Jules Go Says:

    I HATE when people let their gulch go to their head.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Always hanging out next to it, so when you hike by, they’re all, “YEAH, bitches! It’s MY GULCH. Bow to the gulch master! You checking your map to see what gulch this is? I’ll save you some time, here’s my driver’s license! HAHAHA! Gulch-less loser!”


  7. Eagle-Eyed Editor Says:

    My geography teacher in college once told me about three new geological faults he and his friends discovered. They named ’em My Fault, Your Fault and No One’s Fault.


  8. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Oh, I would love to be named after a gulch! I should be so lucky. My family always says someone pulled a “Darla” whenever someone does a really klutzy move. Such as driving your bike into the back of a parked car or tripping over a blade of grass. (two things I’ve actually done)


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I once rode my bike full speed in to the back of a parked car. I wound up doing a flip over the top and landing on my feet. It was AWESOME. Except my bike was wrecked, and I dented the car, and I was totally uncool about it all, what with the flipping out and “didjaseethat? didjasseethat? didjaseethat?”


      • She's a Maineiac Says:

        I was beyond uncool about mine. No flipping, just a sad smack into the bumper, then my bike slowly tipping over in slow motion, trapping me beneath, my shoelace stuck in the chain. This is just a typical day for me.

        What’s weird is this happened when I was visiting my brother in Corvallis. I blame Oregon for our bike mishaps.


  9. Blogdramedy Says:

    I’d feel mixed about a mixed drink named after me. I like mine straight up.


  10. thefoodandwinehedonist Says:

    But a drink or a sexual position named after me would be GOLDEN.


  11. Jackie Cangro Says:

    This reminded me of a piece written by humor columnist Dave Barry who poked fun at the state of North Dakota. They responded by naming a municipal sewage treatment pumping station after him.


  12. pegoleg Says:

    Never thought that landfills and pump houses GOT named. Now I feel slighted by the local city fathers.

    Does the Tom Cruise law have something to do with sofa abuse?


  13. abbybyrd Says:

    I have left instructions in my will (well, it’s a Word file called “Death,” anyway) that since my family isn’t wealthy enough to establish a scholarship in my name or get a building named after me at my alma mater, I will settle for a memorial restroom in the campus library, where I pissed a lot. How much do you have to give for that? If it’s too much, I’ll just take a stall. That’s right. One stall.


  14. Anka Says:

    I love food. Even recipes that contain several types of butter. But I’m not sure how I’d feel if doctors referred to the dish named after me as “heart attack on a plate.”


  15. Baddest Mother Ever Says:

    Hmmm…a law named after you. What if it was a statute against excessive sexiness?


  16. List of X Says:

    What about lizards? Barack Obama had a lizard named after him. Having a mosquito named after you would suck, while a tiger would be awesome, but lizards are kind of grey area.


  17. Lorna's Voice Says:

    Wow. Never gave this much thought. Leave it to you…

    I wouldn’t want some destructive trendy trend named after me, as in “She pulled a Lindsay Lohan…again!”


  18. Exile on Pain Street Says:

    Howard Stern petitioned, and got, a rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike named after him. There’s was an outcry (for real) and the name was struck from the bathroom. Justice prevailed.


  19. mbscully Says:

    Reblogged this on M. B. Scully.


  20. BrainRants Says:

    Hey, I know you have to have seen “The Green Berets” … John Wayne… yeah. You know what I’m referring to.


  21. Teepee12 Says:

    They named a footbridge over Storrow Drive in Boston after Arthur Fiedler and a road between two mall parking lots after Doug Flutie. Better than nothing?


  22. rarasaur Says:

    Airports. I live spittin’ distance to John Wayne Airport and I don’t know if I’ve ever heard anyone refer to it without their explicative of choice preceding his name. Plus, I hate airports. 🙂

    Also, Dave Barry Slept Here was a fabulous book because he is hysterical. Gary Larson is an extremely kind and extremely strange man from the few times I’ve met him. And, maybe you could give all the cool dinosaurs a first name, and they could keep their family name– that way, there’d be no confusion.

    Also, also, I now have to Google the Tom Cruise law… and I’m afraid…


  23. Angie Z. Says:

    I probably wouldn’t like a judo hold named after me. Based on a personal experience circa 1987, it likely means you will have lifetime acupuncture bills.


  24. pithypants Says:

    You missed one… but may have inspired the folks at 350.org to develop an absolutely brilliant video: http://climatenamechange.org/


  25. aaforringer Says:

    We have a very specialized law in PA, it is about Parole Hearings and such. It is called the Rivenbark Law. Well I met Mr. Rivenbark, sour old chap.

    It is not like meeting Mr. Miranda from Miranda Vs. Arizona fame, but in the circles I move in (Parole and Probation Agents), it is a conversation starter.

    (How lame was this post, I am guessing a 9 out of 10)


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