And are the hay bales for me, too? No? Oh.
1. A pump-house. “Wow! A municipal building named after me! A little… windowless shack… hidden from public view… that belches fluid. For… me… wow…”
2. A disease. You found it, you made a medical advancement… but now people have to be told in solemn voices that they’ve contracted… you. Seems like scientists might see this as an opportunity to get back at bullies from their childhood. “This puny, brainless ear parasite? That’s you.”
There’s a John Cleese Landfill in New Zealand. What’s up with that, Kiwis?
3. A landfill. “As I stand here, on this lovely summer afternoon, I’m reminded –oh, Jesus the wind shifted! Aagh! My eyes! Oh, God, what the hell is that stench!? Gyuuaarrrgh. Anyway, thanks for throwing a bunch of broken, soiled, unwanted shit in the dirt and thinking of me.”
4. A gulch. Just the sound. Gulch. Gulch, gulch, gulch. River, lake, even a stream: all dignified and eternal. A gulch: You did something, who cares what, here’s a gulch, don’t let it go to your head, no one really likes you because you look like someone whose pants smell bad.
5. A law. If there’s a law named after you, either something happened to you, or you did something so bad people made a law to stop it from ever, ever happening again.
California has “the Tom Cruise law.” Think about it.
The Byronic Man 
August 14, 2013 at 3:53 am
I had this thought when a scientist named a blood-sucking parasite after Bob Marley last year. It’s the thought that counts, I suppose. But still.
A landfill? Really? What *is* up with that? Now I !have a need-to-know.
August 14, 2013 at 7:10 am
Maybe he just really, really hates reggae?
August 14, 2013 at 3:04 pm
John Cleese rubbished Palmerston North, so Palmerston North rubbished John Cleese. (he called the small North Island town “a great place to commit suicide” after a tour visit there). We lovingly refer to Palmie as a “hole”, and I can’t say John Cleese was wrong, but its citizens love it, and their revenge was at least imaginative!
August 14, 2013 at 5:18 pm
Palmie does have a great public library.
August 14, 2013 at 8:39 pm
That is a good response, I have to say. Especially for Cleese – any other Python would love it (well, maybe not Idle), but you can see him laughing and getting his feathers ruffled.
August 14, 2013 at 5:10 am
What about a louse? Gary Larson has a member of the “chewing lice” named after him.
August 14, 2013 at 7:12 am
I’m sure he loves it, though, simply because it’s weird.
Odd story: I met Gary Larson at a party once, but he denied it was him… sort of. I saw him and said to my wife, “I think that’s the cartoonist, Gary Larson.” (how obscure is that?)
I went over and asked, and he said yes, we talked for a while and then he said, “Oh, but, of course, I’m not THAT Gary Larson, the cartoonist.” So… you’re telling me I saw a stranger, pulled “I think that’s a cartoonist whose been off the radar for 15 years” out of the air, that IS your name, but you’re claiming to be a DIFFERENT Gary Larson? Fine, I won’t ask you to draw anything. Whatever.
August 14, 2013 at 8:52 am
I don’t guess I’d mind having an animal named after me. So long as it wasn’t a goat.
August 14, 2013 at 7:54 pm
I know someone who was working as a waiter years and years ago and got Gary Larson as a customer — apparently he was very nice and even doodled something on a napkin for my friend.
But how is it that everyone knows what Gary Larson looks like? I was a huge Far Side fan and have no idea how he looks.
August 14, 2013 at 8:41 pm
I honestly have no idea why I thought it was him. Apparently I’ve seen a picture? But where? Why?
August 14, 2013 at 5:14 am
What about a sewage treatment plant? Kind of like a pumphouse, but worse.
August 14, 2013 at 7:15 am
Hey! My dad has a sewage treatment plant named after him! He’s a national hero!
Nah, I’m kidding. Yeah, that’d kind of suck.
August 14, 2013 at 5:29 am
Having a storm named after you is pretty bad especially if you’re a dame because then all those mediocre newscasters get to say things like “Oh boy, that ______ sure is a bitch!”
August 14, 2013 at 7:16 am
Did you just say “dame”?
Possibility 1: Speaker 7 is, in fact, a 1940’s gumshoe.
Possibility 2: Speaker 7 is, in fact, a British aristocrat.
Possibility 3: Speaker 7’s got moxie, see? Chutzpah.
August 18, 2013 at 5:27 pm
Great comment back? Or greatest comment back? XD
August 14, 2013 at 5:32 am
This is something I’ve given plenty of thought. I agree about the disease naming. And I would never want a prison named after me.
August 14, 2013 at 7:18 am
“We’re naming the prison after you!”
“Why?”
“Because every moment with you is like a hell of sensory deprivation and rage!”
August 14, 2013 at 5:42 am
I HATE when people let their gulch go to their head.
August 14, 2013 at 7:20 am
Always hanging out next to it, so when you hike by, they’re all, “YEAH, bitches! It’s MY GULCH. Bow to the gulch master! You checking your map to see what gulch this is? I’ll save you some time, here’s my driver’s license! HAHAHA! Gulch-less loser!”
August 14, 2013 at 5:48 am
My geography teacher in college once told me about three new geological faults he and his friends discovered. They named ’em My Fault, Your Fault and No One’s Fault.
August 14, 2013 at 7:21 am
Nice. At the race track where my uncle worked there were bars next to the ticket windows called, Woulda, Coulda and Shoulda.
August 14, 2013 at 5:48 am
Oh, I would love to be named after a gulch! I should be so lucky. My family always says someone pulled a “Darla” whenever someone does a really klutzy move. Such as driving your bike into the back of a parked car or tripping over a blade of grass. (two things I’ve actually done)
August 14, 2013 at 7:23 am
I once rode my bike full speed in to the back of a parked car. I wound up doing a flip over the top and landing on my feet. It was AWESOME. Except my bike was wrecked, and I dented the car, and I was totally uncool about it all, what with the flipping out and “didjaseethat? didjasseethat? didjaseethat?”
August 14, 2013 at 8:37 am
I was beyond uncool about mine. No flipping, just a sad smack into the bumper, then my bike slowly tipping over in slow motion, trapping me beneath, my shoelace stuck in the chain. This is just a typical day for me.
What’s weird is this happened when I was visiting my brother in Corvallis. I blame Oregon for our bike mishaps.
August 14, 2013 at 8:42 pm
Well, there is this weird area called “The Vortex” where magnetic fields are off. Maybe it has far-reaching bicycle impact.
August 14, 2013 at 6:04 am
I’d feel mixed about a mixed drink named after me. I like mine straight up.
August 14, 2013 at 7:24 am
Seems like having a drink named after you would be easy. Just throw a bunch of stuff together. Rum, gin, butterscotch schnapps, capers, and Dr. Pepper. Boom. Done. No one would drink it, but it’s yours.
August 14, 2013 at 7:29 am
Add some horseradish and I’d give it a try. It might help me get my twerk on.
August 14, 2013 at 6:10 am
But a drink or a sexual position named after me would be GOLDEN.
August 14, 2013 at 7:08 am
Unless it was some terrifying, freaky sexual position that would get you slapped just for mentioning. Like “Gomorrah.” I always wonder what they were up to. We talk about “Sodomy” but no one ever says they got “gomorrahed” last night. They must have been in to some freaky, freaky shit.
August 14, 2013 at 8:05 am
I like this post a lot, but the last two sentences of your comment may just be the funniest thing I’ve heard in months…
August 14, 2013 at 8:43 pm
Thanks! Off to Twitter so that 4 or maybe 5 people can enjoy my wit.
August 14, 2013 at 8:07 am
What happens in Gomorrah, stays in Gomorrah, apparently…
August 14, 2013 at 6:34 am
This reminded me of a piece written by humor columnist Dave Barry who poked fun at the state of North Dakota. They responded by naming a municipal sewage treatment pumping station after him.
http://www.miamiherald.com/2002/12/04/928815/building-takes-your-breath-away.html
August 14, 2013 at 7:25 am
I remember that! I think that’s a brilliant response.
Also, quasi-related: “Dave Barry Slept Here” is one of the funniest books I’ve ever read.
August 14, 2013 at 8:02 am
Never thought that landfills and pump houses GOT named. Now I feel slighted by the local city fathers.
Does the Tom Cruise law have something to do with sofa abuse?
August 14, 2013 at 11:10 am
I think it’s the one about ditching your wife of almost 10 years because the property division laws change if you divorce someone after 10 years. Nicole Kidman got dumped by him right before their 10th anniversary.
August 14, 2013 at 2:09 pm
The Tom Cruise law isn’t actually that crazy-related. He bought a sonogram machine when Katie Holmes was pregnant, and now there’s a law that you have to be a medical professional to do that.
August 14, 2013 at 2:27 pm
Or any small town in China.
August 14, 2013 at 8:35 am
I have left instructions in my will (well, it’s a Word file called “Death,” anyway) that since my family isn’t wealthy enough to establish a scholarship in my name or get a building named after me at my alma mater, I will settle for a memorial restroom in the campus library, where I pissed a lot. How much do you have to give for that? If it’s too much, I’ll just take a stall. That’s right. One stall.
August 14, 2013 at 8:36 am
btw, I love your site.
August 14, 2013 at 11:04 am
And make sure you get a plaque on the door.
August 15, 2013 at 1:17 pm
I’m pretty sure Word documents are legally binding. Especially if you put, “I’M SERIOUS” in all capitals at the end.
August 14, 2013 at 8:36 am
I love food. Even recipes that contain several types of butter. But I’m not sure how I’d feel if doctors referred to the dish named after me as “heart attack on a plate.”
August 15, 2013 at 1:17 pm
A “Paula Deen” dish used to mean something bad for you. Now it means something far, far worse.
August 14, 2013 at 11:10 am
Hmmm…a law named after you. What if it was a statute against excessive sexiness?
August 15, 2013 at 1:19 pm
I assume you’re referring to the “Right Said Fred Act of 1991”?
August 15, 2013 at 1:30 pm
Carmen Miranda Rights
August 14, 2013 at 11:12 am
What about lizards? Barack Obama had a lizard named after him. Having a mosquito named after you would suck, while a tiger would be awesome, but lizards are kind of grey area.
August 15, 2013 at 1:18 pm
I want a dinosaur named after me. Stegosaurus, maybe. Or Triceratops. T-Rex, obviously, too.
August 17, 2013 at 6:08 am
You mean, name all the dinosaurs after you, or just the cool ones?
August 18, 2013 at 7:44 am
Well, I meant the cool ones, but all would be better. I suppose it’d be confusing at first if they were all named after me, but maybe people could tell them apart depending on HOW you said it.
August 14, 2013 at 11:32 am
Wow. Never gave this much thought. Leave it to you…
I wouldn’t want some destructive trendy trend named after me, as in “She pulled a Lindsay Lohan…again!”
August 15, 2013 at 1:21 pm
Or anything said like, “Oh man, this is (insert your name) all over again” while shaking one’s head.
August 14, 2013 at 12:07 pm
Howard Stern petitioned, and got, a rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike named after him. There’s was an outcry (for real) and the name was struck from the bathroom. Justice prevailed.
August 15, 2013 at 1:21 pm
There was an outcry? Seriously? Over a turnpike? Jersey folks have strong feelings about their turnpikes!
August 16, 2013 at 1:26 pm
It’s less about outhouse ownership and more a hatred of Stern. Why, I have no idea. I wish things were going so well for me that I had room to care about stuff like that.
August 14, 2013 at 3:12 pm
Reblogged this on M. B. Scully.
August 14, 2013 at 7:06 pm
Hey, I know you have to have seen “The Green Berets” … John Wayne… yeah. You know what I’m referring to.
August 14, 2013 at 10:07 pm
They named a footbridge over Storrow Drive in Boston after Arthur Fiedler and a road between two mall parking lots after Doug Flutie. Better than nothing?
August 15, 2013 at 11:53 am
Brilliant!
August 19, 2013 at 10:47 pm
Airports. I live spittin’ distance to John Wayne Airport and I don’t know if I’ve ever heard anyone refer to it without their explicative of choice preceding his name. Plus, I hate airports. 🙂
Also, Dave Barry Slept Here was a fabulous book because he is hysterical. Gary Larson is an extremely kind and extremely strange man from the few times I’ve met him. And, maybe you could give all the cool dinosaurs a first name, and they could keep their family name– that way, there’d be no confusion.
Also, also, I now have to Google the Tom Cruise law… and I’m afraid…
August 24, 2013 at 12:16 pm
I probably wouldn’t like a judo hold named after me. Based on a personal experience circa 1987, it likely means you will have lifetime acupuncture bills.
September 2, 2013 at 12:36 pm
You missed one… but may have inspired the folks at 350.org to develop an absolutely brilliant video: http://climatenamechange.org/
September 6, 2013 at 5:12 pm
We have a very specialized law in PA, it is about Parole Hearings and such. It is called the Rivenbark Law. Well I met Mr. Rivenbark, sour old chap.
It is not like meeting Mr. Miranda from Miranda Vs. Arizona fame, but in the circles I move in (Parole and Probation Agents), it is a conversation starter.
(How lame was this post, I am guessing a 9 out of 10)