Hey, hi. How are things? Thanks for having me. Well… I sure do itch, don’t I! Wow.
Look how content he is. And with all those hands the temptation to scratch must be off the charts!
You’ve decided not to scratch, eh? Good for you. Mind over matter and all that. It’s the only smart move. You just have to be mature, and make a decision based on the obvious, logical choice.
Sure does itch, though, doesn’t it?
It’s funny. We both know that scratching will make it worse. And the only thing you have to do to accomplish the right thing is, well, nothing. But, boy howdy…! Ha ha! Can’t stop thinking about it, can you? Man. That’s quite an itch. So you know the right thing, but everything in your body is telling you to scratch, scratch, scratch! Wild.
Well, that’s all academic, because you, my resolute friend, are not scratching, and that’s that.
I wonder, though…
I wonder… if you just scratched around me. That might work. You know, not actually agitate me and the toxins in me, but just scratch the area. Might help, even just at a psychological level. What do you think? Yeah, let’s give it a go.
Hm. Well… that was fine-ish. I guess that helped, maybe? Kinda? Not really the same thing. Kind of like going to an ice cream parlor and getting big bowl of plain oatmeal.
Mosquitoes. What’s the point? I mean, I know fish eat them and all, but seriously. Anyway, that itch just isn’t going away, is it?
Hey, what if you just lightly brushed me? Not a scratch, you see – just a liiiiight brushing. A tickling, if you will. As if whispering the itch away on gossamer wings. What do you think? No? You sure? You sure? You sure?
Okay. You’ve got an iron will, my friend, and I respect that.
The day I was born. Ah, there’s dad…
Let’s think about something else. How about Egypt, huh? What a mess. It’s hard to know what role the international community should play, isn’t it? Where’s the line between intervention and cultural imperialism? What level of violence do we ignore in the name of national autonomy? And at what point do we oh my GOD, YOU’RE SCRATCHING YOU STOPPED PAYING ATTENTION AND YOU SCRATCHED!
Well, you’re in it now. Right? Whatever’s going to happen is going to happen. Might as well just go for it.
Oh, baby. Jesus Criminy that feels good. Yeah, just grind away. Pardon my French, but this is a ‘really satisfying bowel movement’ level of fantastic, isn’t it?
Ahhhh.
So much better. And so far, no new itch. Nothing. Hm. Hey, maybe that did it. Maybe nothing’s going to happen. Right? Maybe, I don’t know, you scratched it to death or something? Does that happen?
OH, JESUS, HERE IT COMES! WOW, THAT ITCHES!! Ho-o-o-okaaaaay!! DAMN! Oh God, it’s like someone locked the previous itch in its bedroom and set the house on fire! Wrong move, my friend! Scratching was definitely the wrong move!
That’s it. You’re not going to do that again, right? Right. No scratching, no how. Smart move. Live and learn.
It…
It sure does itch, though, doesn’t it…?
One Of My Mosquito Bites is a published author. He currently resides on my right shoulder, where he lives with his wife and three children.
The Byronic Man 
July 8, 2013 at 3:49 am
I, for one, can’t wait to see the movie adaptation of One of My Mosquito Bites’ fascinating work. I’m guessing John Williams or Hanz Zimmer would provide the score.
July 9, 2013 at 7:42 am
Clean out those spit-valves, brass section! It’s time for “more is more”!
July 8, 2013 at 3:58 am
Wow…This is amazing stuff.Loved it and have shared. Looking forward for more.Alex,Thanks.
July 8, 2013 at 4:41 am
Heh. Or like running up a dusty mountain during a heat wave and being handed a devil’s food cake-flavored gel pack.
Oddly, moquitoes seem to be the ONE thing Mother Nature hasn’t dumped all over New Jersey this year (I’ve gone and done it now…).
July 8, 2013 at 7:25 am
Uh….we have loads of the lil’ buggahs up here…
July 9, 2013 at 7:43 am
I heard there’s a mosquitocane headed for NJ right now…
July 8, 2013 at 5:15 am
Love it. I agree with the movie adaptation request.
July 8, 2013 at 5:20 am
My philosophy is to scratch. Once they bleed and scab, they stop itching.
July 9, 2013 at 7:44 am
I take that approach sometimes, but with this quantity of bloody scabbing, I would traumatize the neighbors.
July 8, 2013 at 5:28 am
I’m certain that the author, The Pimple Not Picked, wouldn’t agree with One of My Mosquito Bites. Left on its own in either case-pimple or bite- and misery ensues. I’m with BrainRants: scratch until you’ve created an entire landscape of gore. Then, you’re on your way to healing.
July 9, 2013 at 7:46 am
Okay, sorry if this is gross, but I discovered that one of my mosquito bites was actually a zit, and I was so thrilled because it meant I could do something about it. That zit paid dearly for the sins of the others.
July 10, 2013 at 5:10 am
I love happy endings.
July 8, 2013 at 5:55 am
I am angered because my dormant mosquito bite now itches.
July 9, 2013 at 7:46 am
Sorry. I should have put a warning on the post.
July 8, 2013 at 6:48 am
I had a friend that used to swear that if you press an “X” into the bite with your fingernail, it would make the itching go away. Not sure there is any scientific research to back this up, but you might want to give it a try! Not sure that it needs to be an “X”. If you were feeling extra motivated you might try to make a “B” for Byronic. It would take a lot longer and keep your mind off the problem! 🙂
July 8, 2013 at 9:08 am
I’ll try the X, thanks.
July 8, 2013 at 3:54 pm
Maybe to have divine intervention it should be a cross, not an X.
July 8, 2013 at 5:41 pm
After reading that post, I find myself with little Xs pressed all up and down my arms ….
July 9, 2013 at 7:47 am
I’ve tried the “pressing your nail in to it really hard” before – not sure if I’ve specifically gone for and X… but now that you mention it I very well might have.
July 8, 2013 at 7:05 am
Mosquito flashbacks are now haunting me. Since my onslaught of spider bite hell I haven’t given mosquitos much thought. Now I am just itchy.
July 9, 2013 at 7:48 am
My wife just got bedbug bites from a hotel in Birmingham. Somehow, I didn’t on my side of the bed. Yugh.
July 8, 2013 at 7:24 am
Oh yeah? I’ll see your 1000 bites and raise you those overlaying a bedrock of the previous weeks brush with poison ivy! The only good thing is my normally deathly pale skin is so red it looks like I got a little sun.
PS I admire your overall discipline although, as some bad guy in a James Bond movie (or an actual dictator) once said, “resistance is futile.”
July 8, 2013 at 8:46 pm
That would be the Borg from Star Trek.
July 9, 2013 at 7:48 am
Poison Ivy is the vegan mosquito bite.
July 10, 2013 at 8:43 am
Ha!
July 8, 2013 at 7:29 am
“As if whispering the itch away on gossamer wings” That killed me.
My son is like Miyagi, he sees a mosquito and catches it in midair between his fingers. Still, I have hundreds of itchy welts that I have to scratch now. Thanks for that.
July 9, 2013 at 7:50 am
As unmanly as this may be, I tend to be a very “turn off the shower to usher the spider to safety” person, but mosquitoes? I have a very dedicated “kill on sight, with extreme prejudice and cruel joy” policy. The mid-air catch is a bonus.
July 8, 2013 at 7:37 am
I look like I’ve been through a war with all the now-raw mosquito bites all over my body. The one on my right thigh was brutal. So much itchiness. 😦
July 9, 2013 at 7:52 am
I have one on the back of my leg that I keep forgetting about, so I just keep absent mindedly scratching and then… oh yeah… that one…
July 8, 2013 at 7:45 am
you have very demand mosquito bites!
July 8, 2013 at 7:46 am
Hmmm. This sounds eerily familiar to what I hear in my head when I’m trying to meditate. 😉
July 9, 2013 at 7:51 am
That’s a good point. Throw in a few “Now how long has it been?’s” and you’re there!
July 9, 2013 at 2:08 pm
Yup, and a few “Wow, my butt aches and is my leg falling asleep again? No fair!” “:)
July 8, 2013 at 9:11 am
I would write a longer comment, but I’m too busy scratching. But I have to say this, I had no idea that mosquito bites could be so entertaining.
July 9, 2013 at 7:53 am
Hey you should read Brown Road Chronicles’ comment about putting an X in the bites! Mosquito bites could become free advertising for you!
July 9, 2013 at 10:45 am
I saw his comment, and I really hope everyone takes his advice. I could use the advertising. By the way, did you know that putting an X on your forehead can also relieve headache?
July 8, 2013 at 9:26 am
omg i hate mosquitoes! they’re the worst ever. spiders and other creepy crawlies have a purpose darn it but what purpose does a mosquito have other than to be a total nuisance? im sure part of why i hate them so much is because they sure love me. long time ago i took a trip to italy with my dad and grandpa and one of our family friends, concetta, said i have sangre dulce (sweet blood) – must be ’cause i couldn’t go anywhere without getting bitten a million times (or so it felt). i go through a similar dialog every time i get bit… lol. it totally sucks.
July 9, 2013 at 7:55 am
I used to eat a ton of garlic (until my wife complained of my smell), and mosquitoes never touched me. Worth a try, maybe…?
July 8, 2013 at 10:14 am
Whoa! I itch just thinking about it….. **scratch**
July 9, 2013 at 7:56 am
Sorry.
July 8, 2013 at 10:41 am
Well, you forgot about another time honored scratch avoidance technique . . . the all purpose slap. Instead of scratching, if you just smack the bite a bit, then the itch will go away!
Nah, I’m just F-ing with you. But that’s definitely a step in the scratch avoidance dance I have employed in the past.
July 9, 2013 at 7:58 am
Someone else mentioned slapping. Is this based on the idea that pain will distract you form the itch? “To relieve itching, try sticking your hand in a fan!”
July 8, 2013 at 1:14 pm
Only three children? You got off lucky.
July 9, 2013 at 7:54 am
Well, he has quite a bit of extended family who live throughout the countryside.
July 8, 2013 at 2:42 pm
Wow, only 3 kids that’s great! Sadly the Dugger version of mosquito bites have set up residence on my ankles.
July 9, 2013 at 7:57 am
I couldn’t fin a way to say, in the style of an author-bio, “and there’s a bunch of others scattered around.”
July 8, 2013 at 3:56 pm
I just had a nice long vacation in Maine without mosquito bites. Because I used bug spray. Toxicology results are due Friday.
July 10, 2013 at 7:01 am
I always enjoy the irony of eating organic fruit while bathed in DDT.
July 8, 2013 at 4:05 pm
The mosquitoes are especially ferocious this year. I got thousands in my entrance alone, waiting for me to come out… You can imagine I have this conversation many times a day with each and every mosquito bite. No wonder I can’t seem to get anything done lately!!!
July 10, 2013 at 7:02 am
That’s why I keep a fish pond stocked at every door.
July 8, 2013 at 5:17 pm
Dammit. Your mosquito bite managed to convince my mosquito bites to reincarnate. The other day I accidentally scratched one on my knee and the itch was immediately replaced by pain. However, if I remember well from childhood, there are two things you can dab on those welts to make them stop itching: 1. spit. 2. Listerine.
July 10, 2013 at 7:02 am
Listerine? I wonder if that’s a rumor started by the Listerine people…
July 8, 2013 at 5:49 pm
I had to share this. http://poppycockpublishing.com/tammyjrizzo/guest-column-by-one-of-my-mosquito-bites-the-byronic-man/
July 8, 2013 at 6:29 pm
Lol… Thanks for the laughs.
Oddly enough, I was itchy the whole time I was reading this.
July 10, 2013 at 7:03 am
Yeah, sorry. I thought that might happen.
July 8, 2013 at 6:46 pm
I had knee surgery once, and I had an allergic reaction to the topical antibiotic they put on the area around the incision. This led to the following conversation with my doctor:
Dr.: Okay, don’t scratch that.
Me: Okay.
Dr.: Scratching will only make it worse.
Me: Yeah, I know.
Dr.: Really, don’t scratch that.
Me: Okay, I won’t.
Dr.: YOU’RE SCRATCHING IT NOW!
July 10, 2013 at 7:18 am
In some ways I think it reveals such an interesting thing about the brain: You can consciously think one action, while another part of the brain decides to take another. Weird.
July 8, 2013 at 8:43 pm
I recently saw something that said if you press a hot spoon to it then the heat breaks up the whatever-it’s-made-of and stops the itch. It’s worth a shot!
July 10, 2013 at 7:19 am
Oh, sure – trying to get to me press hot spoons against my flesh.
July 10, 2013 at 7:04 pm
You could try a cattle brand instead.
July 8, 2013 at 10:53 pm
I give my bites a little slap instead of scratching. Which is possibly just as bad
July 9, 2013 at 7:54 am
You should try insulting them while you slap them.
July 9, 2013 at 8:57 am
I believe that mosquito comes from the Greek ‘mosicus’ which means “you must” and the Canadian ‘quitoeh’ which translates to “scratch me”. As such, it’s Greco-Canadian for “you must scratch me”. How Greek and Canadian were combined to form a word I don’t know – more puzzling than that is the fact that the term is credited to a Nigerian named Ted, who didn’t speak Greek or Canadian.
July 9, 2013 at 6:04 pm
So cleverly written and so right on! We can all relate and I love how you have captured it. And Happy Birthday to you. 🙂
July 9, 2013 at 8:20 pm
I hate itching. It is totally maddening and I will scrape my skin off to try and make it stop! And the mosquitoes have been SO active lately. Oy.
July 10, 2013 at 5:13 pm
So true. I have to hunt down every mosquito in my apartment before I can sleep at night. Doesn’t help that there’s a forest right behind my building. By the way, your blog is one of my “5 blogs I would take with me to a deserted island.” I’m sure you’ve received many more prestigious honours than this, but thought you might like to know anyways. 😉
July 11, 2013 at 7:41 am
One, that’s a great idea for an award; two, that’s extremely thoughtful of you to think of me, thanks! I’ll try to remember to do a couple posts on “finding fresh water on tropical islands” and “Killing boar with stuff you find lying around.”
July 11, 2013 at 4:02 pm
No, thank YOU for being awesome! Wow, I didn’t even think of choosing blogs that would actually help me survive said deserted island, logistically. This is why you are the master and I am but a lowly apprentice of the blogosphere m(_ _)m .
August 11, 2013 at 6:07 pm
And I read this blog post while looking at a gigantic (and now burning because of an intensive scratch fest) mosquito bite on my right knee cap — that is now swollen and red. Good grief. smh. This is probably #12, #13 or #14 of the season. All this rain in New York…ugh. It’s like they’ve (the mosquitoes) revolted.