Guest Column by: One Of My Mosquito Bites

July 8, 2013

Humor

Hey, hi. How are things?  Thanks for having me.  Well… I sure do itch, don’t I!  Wow.

Look how content he is.  And with all those hands the temptation to scratch must be off the charts!

Look how content he is. And with all those hands the temptation to scratch must be off the charts!

You’ve decided not to scratch, eh?  Good for you.  Mind over matter and all that.  It’s the only smart move.  You just have to be mature, and make a decision based on the obvious, logical choice.

Sure does itch, though, doesn’t it?

It’s funny.  We both know that scratching will make it worse.  And the only thing you have to do to accomplish the right thing is, well, nothing.  But, boy howdy…!  Ha ha!  Can’t stop thinking about it, can you?  Man.  That’s quite an itch.  So you know the right thing, but everything in your body is telling you to scratch, scratch, scratch!  Wild.

Well, that’s all academic, because you, my resolute friend, are not scratching, and that’s that.

I wonder, though…

I wonder… if you just scratched around me.  That might work.  You know, not actually agitate me and the toxins in me, but just scratch the area.  Might help, even just at a psychological level. What do you think?  Yeah, let’s give it a go.

Hm.  Well… that was fine-ish.  I guess that helped, maybe?  Kinda?  Not really the same thing.  Kind of like going to an ice cream parlor and getting big bowl of plain oatmeal.

Mosquitoes.  What’s the point?  I mean, I know fish eat them and all, but seriously.  Anyway, that itch just isn’t going away, is it?

Hey, what if you just lightly brushed me?  Not a scratch, you see – just a liiiiight brushing.  A tickling, if you will.  As if whispering the itch away on gossamer wings.  What do you think?  No?  You sure?  You sure?  You sure?

Okay.  You’ve got an iron will, my friend, and I respect that.

The day I was born.  Ah, there's dad...

The day I was born. Ah, there’s dad…

Let’s think about something else.  How about Egypt, huh?  What a mess.  It’s hard to know what role the international community should play, isn’t it?  Where’s the line between intervention and cultural imperialism?  What level of violence do we ignore in the name of national autonomy?  And at what point do we oh my GOD, YOU’RE SCRATCHING YOU STOPPED PAYING ATTENTION AND YOU SCRATCHED!

Well, you’re in it now.  Right?  Whatever’s going to happen is going to happen.  Might as well just go for it.

Oh, baby. Jesus Criminy that feels good.  Yeah, just grind away. Pardon my French, but this is a ‘really satisfying bowel movement’ level of fantastic, isn’t it?

Ahhhh.

So much better.  And so far, no new itch.  Nothing.  Hm. Hey, maybe that did it.  Maybe nothing’s going to happen.  Right?  Maybe, I don’t know, you scratched it to death or something?  Does that happen?

OH, JESUS, HERE IT COMES!  WOW, THAT ITCHES!! Ho-o-o-okaaaaay!!  DAMN!  Oh God, it’s like someone locked the previous itch in its bedroom and set the house on fire!  Wrong move, my friend!  Scratching was definitely the wrong move!

That’s it.  You’re not going to do that again, right?  Right. No scratching, no how. Smart move.  Live and learn.

It…

It sure does itch, though, doesn’t it…?

One Of My Mosquito Bites is a published author.  He currently resides on my right shoulder, where he lives with his wife and three children.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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69 Comments on “Guest Column by: One Of My Mosquito Bites”

  1. Michael Says:

    I, for one, can’t wait to see the movie adaptation of One of My Mosquito Bites’ fascinating work. I’m guessing John Williams or Hanz Zimmer would provide the score.

    Reply

  2. Alex H Says:

    Wow…This is amazing stuff.Loved it and have shared. Looking forward for more.Alex,Thanks.

    Reply

  3. Go Jules Go Says:

    Heh. Or like running up a dusty mountain during a heat wave and being handed a devil’s food cake-flavored gel pack.

    Oddly, moquitoes seem to be the ONE thing Mother Nature hasn’t dumped all over New Jersey this year (I’ve gone and done it now…).

    Reply

  4. blowingoffsteamandmore Says:

    Love it. I agree with the movie adaptation request.

    Reply

  5. BrainRants Says:

    My philosophy is to scratch. Once they bleed and scab, they stop itching.

    Reply

  6. Snoring Dog Studio Says:

    I’m certain that the author, The Pimple Not Picked, wouldn’t agree with One of My Mosquito Bites. Left on its own in either case-pimple or bite- and misery ensues. I’m with BrainRants: scratch until you’ve created an entire landscape of gore. Then, you’re on your way to healing.

    Reply

  7. speaker7 Says:

    I am angered because my dormant mosquito bite now itches.

    Reply

  8. Brown Road Chronicles Says:

    I had a friend that used to swear that if you press an “X” into the bite with your fingernail, it would make the itching go away. Not sure there is any scientific research to back this up, but you might want to give it a try! Not sure that it needs to be an “X”. If you were feeling extra motivated you might try to make a “B” for Byronic. It would take a lot longer and keep your mind off the problem! 🙂

    Reply

  9. silkpurseproductions Says:

    Mosquito flashbacks are now haunting me. Since my onslaught of spider bite hell I haven’t given mosquitos much thought. Now I am just itchy.

    Reply

  10. pegoleg Says:

    Oh yeah? I’ll see your 1000 bites and raise you those overlaying a bedrock of the previous weeks brush with poison ivy! The only good thing is my normally deathly pale skin is so red it looks like I got a little sun.

    PS I admire your overall discipline although, as some bad guy in a James Bond movie (or an actual dictator) once said, “resistance is futile.”

    Reply

  11. She's a Maineiac Says:

    “As if whispering the itch away on gossamer wings” That killed me.

    My son is like Miyagi, he sees a mosquito and catches it in midair between his fingers. Still, I have hundreds of itchy welts that I have to scratch now. Thanks for that.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      As unmanly as this may be, I tend to be a very “turn off the shower to usher the spider to safety” person, but mosquitoes? I have a very dedicated “kill on sight, with extreme prejudice and cruel joy” policy. The mid-air catch is a bonus.

      Reply

  12. sarah9188 Says:

    I look like I’ve been through a war with all the now-raw mosquito bites all over my body. The one on my right thigh was brutal. So much itchiness. 😦

    Reply

  13. on thehomefrontandbeyond Says:

    you have very demand mosquito bites!

    Reply

  14. Lorna's Voice Says:

    Hmmm. This sounds eerily familiar to what I hear in my head when I’m trying to meditate. 😉

    Reply

  15. List of X Says:

    I would write a longer comment, but I’m too busy scratching. But I have to say this, I had no idea that mosquito bites could be so entertaining.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Hey you should read Brown Road Chronicles’ comment about putting an X in the bites! Mosquito bites could become free advertising for you!

      Reply

      • List of X Says:

        I saw his comment, and I really hope everyone takes his advice. I could use the advertising. By the way, did you know that putting an X on your forehead can also relieve headache?

        Reply

  16. stormy1812 Says:

    omg i hate mosquitoes! they’re the worst ever. spiders and other creepy crawlies have a purpose darn it but what purpose does a mosquito have other than to be a total nuisance? im sure part of why i hate them so much is because they sure love me. long time ago i took a trip to italy with my dad and grandpa and one of our family friends, concetta, said i have sangre dulce (sweet blood) – must be ’cause i couldn’t go anywhere without getting bitten a million times (or so it felt). i go through a similar dialog every time i get bit… lol. it totally sucks.

    Reply

  17. susielindau Says:

    Whoa! I itch just thinking about it….. **scratch**

    Reply

  18. mistyslaws Says:

    Well, you forgot about another time honored scratch avoidance technique . . . the all purpose slap. Instead of scratching, if you just smack the bite a bit, then the itch will go away!

    Nah, I’m just F-ing with you. But that’s definitely a step in the scratch avoidance dance I have employed in the past.

    Reply

  19. becomingcliche Says:

    Only three children? You got off lucky.

    Reply

  20. Life With The Top Down Says:

    Wow, only 3 kids that’s great! Sadly the Dugger version of mosquito bites have set up residence on my ankles.

    Reply

  21. Elyse Says:

    I just had a nice long vacation in Maine without mosquito bites. Because I used bug spray. Toxicology results are due Friday.

    Reply

  22. Pleun Says:

    The mosquitoes are especially ferocious this year. I got thousands in my entrance alone, waiting for me to come out… You can imagine I have this conversation many times a day with each and every mosquito bite. No wonder I can’t seem to get anything done lately!!!

    Reply

  23. thesinglecell Says:

    Dammit. Your mosquito bite managed to convince my mosquito bites to reincarnate. The other day I accidentally scratched one on my knee and the itch was immediately replaced by pain. However, if I remember well from childhood, there are two things you can dab on those welts to make them stop itching: 1. spit. 2. Listerine.

    Reply

  24. Don't Quote Lily Says:

    Lol… Thanks for the laughs.
    Oddly enough, I was itchy the whole time I was reading this.

    Reply

  25. Laura Says:

    I had knee surgery once, and I had an allergic reaction to the topical antibiotic they put on the area around the incision. This led to the following conversation with my doctor:

    Dr.: Okay, don’t scratch that.
    Me: Okay.
    Dr.: Scratching will only make it worse.
    Me: Yeah, I know.
    Dr.: Really, don’t scratch that.
    Me: Okay, I won’t.
    Dr.: YOU’RE SCRATCHING IT NOW!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      In some ways I think it reveals such an interesting thing about the brain: You can consciously think one action, while another part of the brain decides to take another. Weird.

      Reply

  26. whatasillygirl Says:

    I recently saw something that said if you press a hot spoon to it then the heat breaks up the whatever-it’s-made-of and stops the itch. It’s worth a shot!

    Reply

  27. Daile Says:

    I give my bites a little slap instead of scratching. Which is possibly just as bad

    Reply

  28. jlwilson80 Says:

    I believe that mosquito comes from the Greek ‘mosicus’ which means “you must” and the Canadian ‘quitoeh’ which translates to “scratch me”. As such, it’s Greco-Canadian for “you must scratch me”. How Greek and Canadian were combined to form a word I don’t know – more puzzling than that is the fact that the term is credited to a Nigerian named Ted, who didn’t speak Greek or Canadian.

    Reply

  29. brickhousechick Says:

    So cleverly written and so right on! We can all relate and I love how you have captured it. And Happy Birthday to you. 🙂

    Reply

  30. Teepee12 Says:

    I hate itching. It is totally maddening and I will scrape my skin off to try and make it stop! And the mosquitoes have been SO active lately. Oy.

    Reply

  31. Janelle Weibelzahl Says:

    So true. I have to hunt down every mosquito in my apartment before I can sleep at night. Doesn’t help that there’s a forest right behind my building. By the way, your blog is one of my “5 blogs I would take with me to a deserted island.” I’m sure you’ve received many more prestigious honours than this, but thought you might like to know anyways. 😉
    http://breakingmoulds.com/2013/07/10/deserted-island-blogs/

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      One, that’s a great idea for an award; two, that’s extremely thoughtful of you to think of me, thanks! I’ll try to remember to do a couple posts on “finding fresh water on tropical islands” and “Killing boar with stuff you find lying around.”

      Reply

      • Janelle Weibelzahl Says:

        No, thank YOU for being awesome! Wow, I didn’t even think of choosing blogs that would actually help me survive said deserted island, logistically. This is why you are the master and I am but a lowly apprentice of the blogosphere m(_ _)m .

        Reply

  32. Brainy Pint Sizer Says:

    And I read this blog post while looking at a gigantic (and now burning because of an intensive scratch fest) mosquito bite on my right knee cap — that is now swollen and red. Good grief. smh. This is probably #12, #13 or #14 of the season. All this rain in New York…ugh. It’s like they’ve (the mosquitoes) revolted.

    Reply

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