What To Expect When You Visit The George W. Bush Library

April 29, 2013

Humor

The George W. Bush Presidential library opened last week, and the Good Dog, Carl jokes flowed like wine.  But it wasn’t all people thought. 

Some of the surprises awaiting people?

"Saddam is 'juggling' weapons of mass 'indigestion' in the 'greenhouse'?? Ah, hahahahahah! That invasion would have been the BEST!

“Saddam is ‘juggling’ weapons of mass ‘indigestion’ in the ‘greenhouse’?? Ah, hahahahahah! That invasion would have been the BEST!

Justification For Invading Iraq mad libs!

When you reach the end of the first chapter of any book in the library, there’s a “Ta-da!” chime, confetti, and a little banner pops up that reads “Book Accomplished!”

Big jar with discounted and discarded ballots from the 2000 election.  Guess what percentage voted democrat and win a prize!

Bushism laboratories: dedicated engineers, chemists, architects, and other visionaries work ‘round the clock to make all of Bush’s malapropisms legitimate.  They won’t rest until we’ve set the pie higher, until we’ve made our wings take dream, and until we can get a good night’s sleep on the soil of a friend.

Plan your trip carefully – the library is rarely open, as employees there take an astonishing amount of vacations.

Every 1,000th visitor gets bailed out of one botched career, military desertion, or failed academic pursuit by Bush Sr.!

Every 1,001st visitor gets shot in the face by Dick Cheney.

What Would You Have Done?: Try to minimize the suffering and terror as hurricane Katrina devastates one of America’s most historic cities OR go to a barbecue? What you may not have known!: The barbecue had dry-rub.

What Would You Have Done?: Try to minimize the suffering and terror as hurricane Katrina devastates one of America’s most historic cities OR go to a barbecue? What you may not have known!: The barbecue had dry-rub.

Dictionaries all contain the word “nucular.”

If you have a book overdue to the W. library?  Guantanamo Bay.

An interactive “Well, What Would You Have Done, Smartypants?” game in which you, who think you’re so smart, get to face the decisions the president did and see if you’re such hot stuff.  (here’s the irony: I wrote this and then found out this one’s real)

Televsions.  So many televisions.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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50 Comments on “What To Expect When You Visit The George W. Bush Library”

  1. speaker7 Says:

    Is there also a little “free speech” zone some 40-50 miles away where you can express your thoughts about the museum?

    Reply

  2. Word Rummager Says:

    Gosh, I figured there’d only be a few well-thumbed comics, a large screen TV streaming classic cartoons, and a vending machine. I had no idea it would be so diverse.

    Reply

  3. donofalltrades Says:

    Good ribs are delicious and that water wasn’t receding anytime soon. Tough call.

    Reply

  4. mairedubhtx Says:

    Yes, as far as I know, the lie-berry does NOT include a section on Hurricane Katrina. Another stellar Bush moment. The pretzel that almost killed him is well-preserved, however. His baseball collection is there, as well. True. All this at his wife’s alma mater.

    Reply

  5. rossmurray1 Says:

    Gold, Jerry. Gold!

    Reply

  6. Snoring Dog Studio Says:

    But will there be barbecue? Cuz I’m there if that’s there. Which Bush are we talking about?

    Reply

  7. Go Jules Go Says:

    I’m really worried about getting BBQ sauce on my Mad Libs, but this episode of Honey Boo Boo is so riveting!

    Reply

  8. aliceatwonderland Says:

    Don’t forget the pop-up books!

    Reply

  9. mistyslaws Says:

    You forgot to mention the keg stand room and infamous glass encased “Presidency for Dummies” book made famous for it’s historic and well-thumbed pages.

    Reply

  10. Baddest Mother Ever Says:

    You liberry card is printed on a pop tart because you might as well eat it.

    Reply

  11. List of X Says:

    I have to preemptively sympathize with the 1,001,000th visitor: he’d be put on the path to the presidency by Bush Sr., only to be shot by Dick Cheney. But I think it’s very likely that Bush Jr. will be that visitor.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      He’s generally there most days. Sometimes leading tours, sometimes just poking around, sometimes visiting the displays and sighing, “Yeah. Yeah, that’s how it happened. Just like that.”

      Reply

  12. She's a Maineiac Says:

    BBQ AND some of them new-fangled televisions?! I’m sold (except for the buckshot in the face thing) It really is amazing they have a “WWYD?” exhibit, complete with a countdown for added pressure. Of course, I always opt for taking a nap before I make any big decisions, just like Bush.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Obviously the presidency has unimaginable pressure, but I like the idea of a literal countdown clock in the oval office – like a shot-clock. “You have two minutes to veto this bill or your signature is invalid!”

      Reply

  13. pegoleg Says:

    Ouch! Why anyone would fund the total ego trip that is a Presidential library is a mystery to me. For example, I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when somebody talked big-money donors into funding the Stained Intern’s Clothing wing at President Clinton’s library.

    Reply

  14. Reheated Coffee Says:

    Wow. The George W. Bush library sounds like something I’d see in an onion headline. And I can’t believe “What would you have done, Smartypants?” is real. Although, I’m sure it’s not called anything even remotely as awesome as that.

    Reply

  15. Brown Road Chronicles Says:

    Is the last one you mention, the interactive game, called something like “You Be the Decider!”

    Reply

  16. Elyse Says:

    Is there a room devoted to “My Pet Goat?

    Reply

  17. talesfromthemotherland Says:

    Confetti made from hanging chads? I want to be greeted with it. Um, if I were to ever give in and go to Texas. Clever post Byronic.

    Reply

  18. Every Record Tells A Story Says:

    I can’t help feeling if only Alanis Morrisette had waited a few years, she would have had a new line for her “Isn’t it ironic?” song:
    “It’s like rain / on your wedding day / It’s like a libareeeee / named after Dubya….” Well ok, it doesn’t scan, but you get the gist…

    Reply

  19. Sandy Sue Says:

    I just finished gobbling up the first season of The West Wing (remember that show?), so this hardy-har is really tickling my political funny bone.

    Reply

  20. Paul George Eberlein Says:

    Are all the books on the shelves stored upside down so Dubya can pretend to read them to little kids whenever the mood strikes?

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I wonder if he ever thinks of the morning of 9/11 and can’t help but mutter, “of all the stupid, unmanly, unpresidential things I could be doing at that moment…”

      Reply

  21. silkpurseproductions Says:

    Once you mention the dry rub it is game over for me. They would be on their own. I would be at the barbecue.

    Reply

  22. pithypants Says:

    You know he’s picked up painting, right? So it’s safe to assume there’s some kind of “Paint by Numbers” exhibit featuring many, many portraits of Barney.

    Reply

  23. thesinglecell Says:

    Not only is the “What Would You Have Done, Smartypants?” thing real… it tells you when you’re “wrong.” George comes up and tells you why your way is not the way he did it because he was right.

    Also? There’s a section in the library called Decision Points, after the title of his book, and am I the only person who still insists that that very phrase is also a malapropism?

    Reply

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Bush Library uses “The Big Lie” theory to justify Bush’s Katrina Response « GoodOleWoody's Blog and Website - May 2, 2013

    […] What To Expect When You Visit The George W. Bush Library (thebyronicman.com) […]

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