I’ve recently become well acquainted with the various theories of how to get a baby to please, for the love of God, sleep through the night. The best of them seem to boil down to five rules that are good to bear in mind for us all, really.
“Lemme hear you say…! Uhhh… hoo boy. Man, I’m just… so sleepy. I’m just gonna… lie down for a second…”
1. Don’t fall asleep eating or rocking. If you’re falling asleep while rockin’, you’re not really doing it right. And falling asleep eating is just kind of sad.
2. If you see someone who is not in distress, but is sitting on the ground or in your bed shrieking: Reassure them that they are loved and that everything’s okay. Then – and this is important – walk away. Do not attempt to physically engage them.
3. Establish a nighttime routine and stick to it. Maybe a little snack and something to read. Your sleep will not be helped by erratic, late nights of over-stimulation; or by jumping in bed while weeping, cranky, and/or yelling at people.
4. All people wake at the end of the 90-minute sleep cycles. It is unnecessary to loudly demand that everyone pay attention to you every time you rouse from slumber.
5. Avoid falling asleep with a bottle in your mouth.
See? At least have the dignity to find a glass.
The Byronic Man 
May 2, 2013 at 7:01 am
The Byronic Man,
A subject I know very well, as I haven’t been sleeping for the last 1177 days. And counting… I love my daughter. Even when she says: I want to cut your eyes. Or to her mom: I want to hurt you. When I sleep, I do with only one eye closed.
God, I’m rambling…
Le Clown
May 2, 2013 at 9:40 am
So far, she’s limited her vocabulary to variations on “AAAAAHHHHHH!”
May 2, 2013 at 7:10 am
And I was annoyed when my cat woke me up four times one night by sniffing my eyelids. At least she wasn’t screaming. And she’ll never learn to speak, so I got that going for me. Good luck, Byronic Parents! 🙂
May 2, 2013 at 9:55 am
I don’t know, we have an older cat who gets hungry and stands there going “Mew. Mew. Mew. Mew. Mew. Mew. Mew. Mew. Mew. Mew. Mew. Mew. Mew.” It might be worse than screaming.
May 2, 2013 at 2:36 pm
LOL That was a hilarious amount of Mews. I stand corrected.
May 2, 2013 at 6:02 pm
Don’t even get me started on cats and wake ups:
May 3, 2013 at 3:09 am
Oh, Lordy, I love Simon’s Cat. My Henry prefers to paw at the closet door, which is a little loose, for the loudest percussive beat, then come sit on my head. He’s fine with me taking naps in the day, though, so I think cats are still a better bargain than babies.
May 5, 2013 at 7:31 am
How do they know which doors are the loudest? It’s not like they run tests!
May 3, 2013 at 6:14 am
Thanks for pointing out Simon’s Cat. It is hysterical.
May 2, 2013 at 7:13 am
Ah, those terrible days, desperately wishing one or more of them would sleep through. They do when they grow up.
May 2, 2013 at 9:57 am
I’m hopeful that we can move up that time-frame a little…
May 2, 2013 at 7:21 am
Some kids react differently to the Benedryl. The older two would fall asleep soon after taking it. My youngest, however, is wound up for two hours after we drug… er give him his necessary, recommended dose. Once those two hours pass though, he’s out!
May 2, 2013 at 9:56 am
Benadryl is one of the greatest things ever invented.
May 2, 2013 at 7:25 am
Words to live by. To #4 I would add “..and change your diaper.”
May 2, 2013 at 9:57 am
I know, what’s the point of wearing a diaper if you just get up and change it all the time?
May 2, 2013 at 7:49 am
Actually, I think the secret to parental sleep is choosing the right partner — a light sleeper. That and adopting when the child has already been trained.
May 2, 2013 at 9:58 am
I’m definitely the lighter sleeper, but she’s more likely to be awake worrying about things, so it kind of evens out.
August 16, 2013 at 6:22 pm
Adopting when the child is old enough to sleep through the night comes with a whole host of other problems 😉 Congratulations, and so glad I stumbled across this link in my bookmarks.
August 17, 2013 at 8:15 am
Hi, Echo! Thanks for coming by. Sounds like congratulations to you, too (though possibly several years late…)
August 18, 2013 at 10:31 am
Thanks for the welcome! My 5 and 8 year olds just came home 7 months ago. So the congrats is pretty timely 🙂
May 2, 2013 at 8:14 am
I know this is of little consolation right now, but it’s how I survived those days.
Visualize this: one day she will be a teenager and she will want to sleep.
Then you will be able to creep into her room early in the morning, say 10-ish, and shriek loudly, “I’m hungry! I’m thirsty! I want to play!! Get up!! Wahh, wahh, wahhhhhhh.. . .”
May 2, 2013 at 8:20 am
This is brilliant! I never thought of that. Trying it this weekend. Thanks for the tip!
May 2, 2013 at 9:30 am
“Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Play with me. Play with me. Hey. Hey. Hey. Play with me. Hey. Play with me. Hey. Hey. Hey…”
May 2, 2013 at 11:07 am
I have a comic cut out and stuck to my fridge that shows a harried father holding a baby that says, “One day, you’ll be a teenager and want to sleep all the time. Then. Then I’ll have my revenge.” It’s what kept me going through those sleepless zombie stages.
May 2, 2013 at 8:24 am
Kids are their own type os sleep deprivation torture devices. Thankfully, Science/God/Whatever has made them just cute enough to keep you from strangling them.
May 2, 2013 at 9:59 am
She is ridiculously cute.
May 2, 2013 at 8:52 am
I made a cup (or bottle in your case) of camomille tea part of the bedtime routine
May 2, 2013 at 10:00 am
I had to develop a lengthy routine for myself years ago to combat ongoing insomnia. Unfortunately, my routine doesn’t involve someone else’s routine.
May 2, 2013 at 9:55 am
I’ll try to leave you a coherent comment but I’m also severely sleep deprived due to my daughter insisting on waking me up every 2 hours to tell me she wants some crackers. Reminds me of what Jim Gaffigan said on twitter the other day, “the hardest part of parenting is when I’m with my kids”.
May 2, 2013 at 10:01 am
I have similar thoughts about teaching.
May 2, 2013 at 10:59 am
Pretty sure this is the only reason babies are so cute. It’s gotta help somewhat…
May 5, 2013 at 7:32 am
It is a pretty astonishing level of cuteness.
May 2, 2013 at 12:12 pm
I don’t know how you’re doing it. More than two consecutive days with too little sleep and I lose the will to live.
I’m dying to know what image search you did for this post that brought up a picture of whatsherface from Paramore. Or maybe I don’t want to know.
May 5, 2013 at 7:33 am
Believe it or not I took a chance and tried “rockin'” and “sleepy” figuring I’d think of something better in a moment… but there it was.
May 2, 2013 at 2:25 pm
I was woken up this past night with “Mommy! Mommy!” When I ran into his room, my son was fast asleep. I think he is messing with me.
May 2, 2013 at 6:09 pm
Either that, or he has learned telepathy…
May 5, 2013 at 7:34 am
I’ve dream that the baby was crying. Haha, very funny, brain.
May 2, 2013 at 4:58 pm
Wait until she’s 13.
May 5, 2013 at 7:35 am
I’m intending to be gone on some kind of business trip from when she 11 – 14.
May 2, 2013 at 5:56 pm
It took my son seven years. I think paybacks will be my only saving grace during the teenage years. I’m just going to go poke him in the face every 90 minutes and let him know I’m awake.
May 5, 2013 at 7:38 am
Wow. Seven years. Yikes. The range of stories is amazing. The “we have 3 kids and they all slept through the night from day one!” people suck.
May 5, 2013 at 1:23 pm
Yes, they do. Truthfully, I’m sure he will never be a sleeper, even as a teen. He just wakes with the sun, goes to bed late. It’s not his thing. It was a blessing when he learned to read a chapter book and we could say, “Go read!” But most kids are not like him. And getting him up for school is a breeze.
May 2, 2013 at 6:50 pm
My cat, who is only still alive because she’s personality-plus, used to use our newborns’ brief sleep intervals as her own chance to wake us up. Have you tried throwing the cat into the baby’s room and letting them duke it out with the wake ups?
May 5, 2013 at 7:37 am
KB has recently discovered the hilarity that is grabbing cats’ tails very, very hard. She will not likely be elected queen of cat prom.
May 3, 2013 at 6:16 am
I’m the Aunt who sneaks in and wakes up the baby just after you have gotten them to sleep so that I can play with them. You all hate me.
May 5, 2013 at 7:40 am
AHA! How did you even know where we lived?
May 5, 2013 at 8:54 am
It’s like “Spidey Senses”. I can find a sleeping baby anywhere to wake.
May 3, 2013 at 6:41 am
No jumping and yelling at people? Are you sure? Maybe I’ll try that.
Hope you get a good dose of vitamin ZZZZ soon!
May 5, 2013 at 7:43 am
It does sound kind of fun, doesn’t it? When you wake up in the night? “I HAVE TO ROLL OVER BECAUSE IT’S NO LONGER COMFORTABLE ON THIS SIDE! MY ARM IS SLIGHTLY ASLEEP! I HAVE TO PEE! BUT I’M NOT SURE IF IT’S BAD ENOUGH TO GET UP! MY ALLERGIES ARE BOTHERING ME A LITTLE! MY PILLOW IS TOO HOT! NO, I DON’T THINK I’LL GET UP AND PEE! BUT I SHOULD BLOW MY NOSE BECAUSE OF MY ALLERGIES!”
May 5, 2013 at 12:03 pm
It sounds like a party with a pillow. A slightly overheated pillow.
May 3, 2013 at 6:55 am
There are all kinds of people who give you hope, encourage you but at this moment, it just seems like an impossible future! Keep up the supportive and loving marriage together you will overcome this and all life will handle you as parents!
May 5, 2013 at 7:39 am
it does feel kind of like adolescence when everyone tells you it’ll get better and all you can think is, “No. No, it won’t.”
May 3, 2013 at 8:03 am
Stumbled randomly onto your blog today – thanks for the read!
May 5, 2013 at 7:43 am
Thanks for coming by – hope to see you here again!
May 3, 2013 at 12:58 pm
As a parent, you complain when they can’t sleep. When they are teenagers you complain that they can.
May 5, 2013 at 7:45 am
Yeah, I’m startin to understand all those parents with air horns and pouring cups of water on their teens’ heads – it’s payback.
May 3, 2013 at 7:10 pm
God I miss those days! NOT!! Good luck, you’ll make it, I promise. Someday you’ll barely remember these days.
May 5, 2013 at 7:44 am
Everyone tells me about the “baby amnesia.” And like all new parents, I totally disregard it because of COURSE I’ll remember every moment of this!
May 5, 2013 at 8:10 am
Let me put it this way… you’ll remember it happened. You just won’t remember it in as much sleepless detail!
May 6, 2013 at 1:03 am
Have you seen that book Go The F**K to Sleep that is a book for adults, yet written like a night time book and narrated by Samuel L. Jackson? It’s friggin’ hilarious. Of course, it’s really talking about kids a little bit older, but still the concept is there. Sometimes you just wish they would go the fuck to sleep.
http://www.audible.com/pd?asin=B00551W570