Our Babies, Our Selves. Our Tired, Tired Selves.

May 2, 2013

Humor

I’ve recently become well acquainted with the various theories of how to get a baby to please, for the love of God, sleep through the night. The best of them seem to boil down to five rules that are good to bear in mind for us all, really.

"Lemme hear you say...!  Uhhh... hoo boy.  Man, I'm just... sooo sleepy."

“Lemme hear you say…! Uhhh… hoo boy. Man, I’m just… so sleepy. I’m just gonna… lie down for a second…”

1. Don’t fall asleep eating or rocking.  If you’re falling asleep while rockin’, you’re not really doing it right.  And falling asleep eating is just kind of sad.

2. If you see someone who is not in distress, but is sitting on the ground or in your bed shrieking: Reassure them that they are loved and that everything’s okay.  Then – and this is important – walk away. Do not attempt to physically engage them.

3. Establish a nighttime routine and stick to it.  Maybe a little snack and something to read.  Your sleep will not be helped by erratic, late nights of over-stimulation; or by jumping in bed while weeping, cranky, and/or yelling at people.

4. All people wake at the end of the 90-minute sleep cycles. It is unnecessary to loudly demand that everyone pay attention to you every time you rouse from slumber.

5. Avoid falling asleep with a bottle in your mouth.

See? At least have the dignity to find a glass.

See? At least have the dignity to find a glass.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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60 Comments on “Our Babies, Our Selves. Our Tired, Tired Selves.”

  1. Le Clown Says:

    The Byronic Man,
    A subject I know very well, as I haven’t been sleeping for the last 1177 days. And counting… I love my daughter. Even when she says: I want to cut your eyes. Or to her mom: I want to hurt you. When I sleep, I do with only one eye closed.

    God, I’m rambling…
    Le Clown

    Reply

  2. Michelle Says:

    And I was annoyed when my cat woke me up four times one night by sniffing my eyelids. At least she wasn’t screaming. And she’ll never learn to speak, so I got that going for me. Good luck, Byronic Parents! 🙂

    Reply

  3. The World Is My Cuttlefish Says:

    Ah, those terrible days, desperately wishing one or more of them would sleep through. They do when they grow up.

    Reply

  4. donofalltrades Says:

    Some kids react differently to the Benedryl. The older two would fall asleep soon after taking it. My youngest, however, is wound up for two hours after we drug… er give him his necessary, recommended dose. Once those two hours pass though, he’s out!

    Reply

  5. pegoleg Says:

    Words to live by. To #4 I would add “..and change your diaper.”

    Reply

  6. Elyse Says:

    Actually, I think the secret to parental sleep is choosing the right partner — a light sleeper. That and adopting when the child has already been trained.

    Reply

  7. Hippie Cahier Says:

    I know this is of little consolation right now, but it’s how I survived those days.

    Visualize this: one day she will be a teenager and she will want to sleep.

    Then you will be able to creep into her room early in the morning, say 10-ish, and shriek loudly, “I’m hungry! I’m thirsty! I want to play!! Get up!! Wahh, wahh, wahhhhhhh.. . .”

    Reply

    • Nagzilla Says:

      This is brilliant! I never thought of that. Trying it this weekend. Thanks for the tip!

      Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      “Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Play with me. Play with me. Hey. Hey. Hey. Play with me. Hey. Play with me. Hey. Hey. Hey…”

      Reply

    • mistyslaws Says:

      I have a comic cut out and stuck to my fridge that shows a harried father holding a baby that says, “One day, you’ll be a teenager and want to sleep all the time. Then. Then I’ll have my revenge.” It’s what kept me going through those sleepless zombie stages.

      Reply

  8. josefkul Says:

    Kids are their own type os sleep deprivation torture devices. Thankfully, Science/God/Whatever has made them just cute enough to keep you from strangling them.

    Reply

  9. wildramp Says:

    I made a cup (or bottle in your case) of camomille tea part of the bedtime routine

    Reply

  10. She's a Maineiac Says:

    I’ll try to leave you a coherent comment but I’m also severely sleep deprived due to my daughter insisting on waking me up every 2 hours to tell me she wants some crackers. Reminds me of what Jim Gaffigan said on twitter the other day, “the hardest part of parenting is when I’m with my kids”.

    Reply

  11. Don't Quote Lily Says:

    Pretty sure this is the only reason babies are so cute. It’s gotta help somewhat…

    Reply

  12. Go Jules Go Says:

    I don’t know how you’re doing it. More than two consecutive days with too little sleep and I lose the will to live.

    I’m dying to know what image search you did for this post that brought up a picture of whatsherface from Paramore. Or maybe I don’t want to know.

    Reply

  13. speaker7 Says:

    I was woken up this past night with “Mommy! Mommy!” When I ran into his room, my son was fast asleep. I think he is messing with me.

    Reply

  14. muddledmom Says:

    It took my son seven years. I think paybacks will be my only saving grace during the teenage years. I’m just going to go poke him in the face every 90 minutes and let him know I’m awake.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Wow. Seven years. Yikes. The range of stories is amazing. The “we have 3 kids and they all slept through the night from day one!” people suck.

      Reply

      • muddledmom Says:

        Yes, they do. Truthfully, I’m sure he will never be a sleeper, even as a teen. He just wakes with the sun, goes to bed late. It’s not his thing. It was a blessing when he learned to read a chapter book and we could say, “Go read!” But most kids are not like him. And getting him up for school is a breeze.

        Reply

  15. Angie Z. Says:

    My cat, who is only still alive because she’s personality-plus, used to use our newborns’ brief sleep intervals as her own chance to wake us up. Have you tried throwing the cat into the baby’s room and letting them duke it out with the wake ups?

    Reply

  16. silkpurseproductions Says:

    I’m the Aunt who sneaks in and wakes up the baby just after you have gotten them to sleep so that I can play with them. You all hate me.

    Reply

  17. becomingcliche Says:

    No jumping and yelling at people? Are you sure? Maybe I’ll try that.

    Hope you get a good dose of vitamin ZZZZ soon!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      It does sound kind of fun, doesn’t it? When you wake up in the night? “I HAVE TO ROLL OVER BECAUSE IT’S NO LONGER COMFORTABLE ON THIS SIDE! MY ARM IS SLIGHTLY ASLEEP! I HAVE TO PEE! BUT I’M NOT SURE IF IT’S BAD ENOUGH TO GET UP! MY ALLERGIES ARE BOTHERING ME A LITTLE! MY PILLOW IS TOO HOT! NO, I DON’T THINK I’LL GET UP AND PEE! BUT I SHOULD BLOW MY NOSE BECAUSE OF MY ALLERGIES!”

      Reply

  18. reocochran Says:

    There are all kinds of people who give you hope, encourage you but at this moment, it just seems like an impossible future! Keep up the supportive and loving marriage together you will overcome this and all life will handle you as parents!

    Reply

  19. faithrivada Says:

    Stumbled randomly onto your blog today – thanks for the read!

    Reply

  20. Blogdramedy Says:

    As a parent, you complain when they can’t sleep. When they are teenagers you complain that they can.

    Reply

  21. Brown Road Chronicles Says:

    God I miss those days! NOT!! Good luck, you’ll make it, I promise. Someday you’ll barely remember these days.

    Reply

  22. hollybernabe Says:

    Have you seen that book Go The F**K to Sleep that is a book for adults, yet written like a night time book and narrated by Samuel L. Jackson? It’s friggin’ hilarious. Of course, it’s really talking about kids a little bit older, but still the concept is there. Sometimes you just wish they would go the fuck to sleep.

    http://www.audible.com/pd?asin=B00551W570

    Reply

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