Ah, yes, hello. Thank you for your inquiry. I’m sure you’re wondering, with all the options available to you, why you should hire me as a private investigator on your case. Yes, I realize you’re not sure there’s even a case to hire me for, but – trust me – there is.
In a nutshell, what separates me from other detectives is that unlike them, who must rely on “licenses,” and “training” and “experience,” I have learned everything from TV crime-dramas, which gives me a real edge over the mundane “real world” detectives.
What I have learned and why I will make an excellent detective:
I will get plenty of experience, because people are being murdered CONSTANTLY. Big city, small town, doesn’t matter. Murder, murder, murder. Always devious, always covered up, usually gruesome. Big cities have so much murder they have to create all those special divisions: Shocking Crime Squad; Sexual Sex Crimes Against Sexy Women Division; Gratuitously, Almost Comically, Gory Murder Squad; Department of Ripped-From-The-Headlines; etc.
See? It was totally superfluous for her to mention that her glasses are "invisible bifocals." Ignore all the so-called 'evidence;' those glasses are the key to this case.
I will pay attention to what people say, because if someone reveals a seemingly irrelevant, but specific, personal detail (that they’re diabetic, that they’re color-blind, etc.) this is guaranteed to be the thing that eventually proves their innocence or guilt.
I don’t waste my time on the obvious suspect. If someone’s standing over the body with a bloody knife in hand? Innocent. See, “real” detectives will tell you that Means, Motive and Opportunity will point you to the guilty party, but what they fail to miss is that that’s only true if it’s not immediately obvious.
I’m not afraid to have an occasional conversation about something extraneous, like relationships or something, because I accept that about 90% of my cases will be solved when someone says something seemingly inconsequential which enables me to put the whole case together. (This is also why I make an excellent physician, should you need one)
Every single serial killer (and there are tons and tons and tons) is a super-genius who loves to toy with the detectives, leaving clues and making them solve puzzles and endure trials that would be incredibly costly and nearly impossible to stage. This is where I will meet my nemesis, who will torment and challenge me. Can’t wait to meet you!
I have an amazing intelligence and gift for my craft, but this gift is also something that alienates me a little, makes me anti-social, often to comic effect, and exasperates others. (Again: excellent doctor)
This may make you wonder, will you like me? Yes. Why? Because I will have a best friend/assistant who will be immensely likable, and who’s devotion to me will somehow soften me, and make you see that there is something to love there. Also you’ll probably suspect that you’d understand the real me and that we’ll be friends.
Should I not have any cases at the moment, I will find one. How? Graveyard. Mortuary. Obituary column. Local News reports. Pretty much everyone who’s dead was murdered; I just need to find something that the police (idiots) failed to notice, which will usually take only a few seconds. Even if the person was 103 when they died in their sleep – actually, especially if the person was 103 and appears to have died in their sleep – they were murdered.
My God, it's a massacre!
I will solve every single one of my cases. All of them. Very occasionally one might take two or three tries, but those will be unusually serious, tension-filled doozies, so it’ll be worth it.
Cost. You’ll pay less with me for two reasons: first, I’ll charge less because of bulk. Solving a murder a week means you save more. Second, there’ll be a pretty good chance that I won’t charge you at all, because I’ll simply believe in your case.
I’ll have a motorcycle, an awesome car or else an ironically awful car. Haven’t decided which.
Mmmmm... a little too ironic
I’ll be alienated in some way from my parents. It will help explain my genius, but also be comical. Don’t worry, for people who seem to hate each other we’ll help each other and reconcile all the time.
Someone’s going to be my unrequited/problematic romantic interest. Will it be you?
Sometimes I’ll be able to solve cases pretty quickly. If someone seems slightly more recognizable than the other suspects – like you’ve seen them other places, or maybe they used to be pretty famous, but have slipped from glory a little? Boom. Guilty. They did it. Done. Let’s go to lunch.
Perhaps most importantly? Banter. Charming, charming banter between my partner and I. Our rapid-fire bon mots will turn those tears of grief and shock to tears of laughter.
Well, think it over and get back to me. I look forward to solving the murders of many, many people you know.
Yes, I recently found my wife brutally murdered, but oh the zingers those two throw at each other!
The Byronic Man 
July 8, 2011 at 1:25 pm
I like the way you write words to form sentences, and shortly there-after, paragraphs that lead to stories. I mean, that shit’s good.
July 8, 2011 at 7:29 pm
You should see my dependent clauses. They’ll rock your world.
July 8, 2011 at 2:09 pm
The captions on these photos–especially the last–undo most of the spanktitude of this afternoon.
July 10, 2011 at 8:28 am
This read has left me wanting to watch some bad detective crime series… Oh how I wish I was still in a country where it was as easy as turning on the television at whatever time of day to whatever channel… A good read, as always 🙂
July 10, 2011 at 2:29 pm
Sometimes a really cliche detective show is just the thing, isn’t it? Weird as that is.
July 10, 2011 at 3:19 pm
I would like to hire you to solve my next murder, but, frankly, I’m concerned that your “expertise” appears to be derived solely from crime drama shows. If that is the case, I might as well solve my shit myself. Everyone knows that the only way to develop real expertise is by obsessively watching REAL crime drama shows — ever heard of Investigation Discovery channel? Forensic Files? Snapped? Murder Behind Mansion Walls? 48 Hours? First 48? Dr. G? I fear your forensic skills are sorely inadequate. Heavy sigh.
On the other hand, I LOVE your writing!
Kim
July 14, 2011 at 4:29 pm
I can refer you to a great “terrible non-fiction crime TV” guy, if you’d like. He’s top notch.
July 11, 2011 at 7:59 am
“I’m sure that your cool head and undoubted thespian powers will see you through the day, Sir.” -Jeeves
July 12, 2011 at 2:32 pm
This is great! And a ‘woot woot’ for your captions – how often they get overlooked! They are hilarious.
July 12, 2011 at 7:37 pm
Thanks! I will from now on promote my blog as having received the prestigious “Two Woots.”
July 14, 2011 at 1:58 pm
Reading this makes me feel woefully naive for the myriad times I’ve read “natural causes”, “heart failure,” “car accident” and without seeing through the intricate web of lies to the premeditated carnage beneath. It was eye-opening and humbling to realize how much I still have to learn.
Top-notch material here, gentle sir.
July 14, 2011 at 4:27 pm
Thank you, and thanks for subscribing. And while it does make the world a darker place, everyone being murdered simplifies things. Also, you can really spice up a memorial service by throwing one finger in the air and shouting, “This was no protracted battle with cancer! This was… murder!”*
*Do not really do this.
July 14, 2011 at 5:13 pm
All this and you probably look good in a Fedora, too.
July 28, 2011 at 10:54 pm
I hope you have a nice dark suit. Because if you don’t, I would never consider hiring you. Also, I would totally hire you to solve my murder, but only after I have a relationship with your partner. Because honestly, the partner is always ridiculously good looking and charming. If your partner is not ridiculously good looking or charming, I revert back to not allowing you to solve my murder-even if you do have a nice dark suit.
April 2, 2012 at 10:42 am
I am SO glad that I somehow stumbled across your blog, through a series of clicks…I can’t remember how I got here? I’m only in my twenties, that’s too young for Alzheimer, no? I just read all of your hire me series, and there wasn’t a single on that didn’t make me laugh. You’re blog is hysterical. Well done!
April 2, 2012 at 10:44 am
Also, I’m not incompetent. Please feel free to excuse any typo in the text above. I’m not so savvy with touch screens!
April 2, 2012 at 11:43 am
Thanks, and thanks for coming by. Hope I can lure you this way again. Theoretically, there’s another “Please Hire Me” coming soon.
And touch screens can make a person crazy…
April 5, 2012 at 5:24 am
OMG that graveyard image was so funny….what a fun post
having said that i totally get you and by the time i finished reading the post i was super convinced we have a new Sherlock holmes that is you, only better 🙂
I have seen all the episodes of CSI ,Dexter,Supernatural( just in case) and what not …so i know you do know lot more than any of the people called “detectives” or “police”
April 5, 2012 at 6:29 am
Yes, if TV has shown one thing, it’s that the police can’t catch a cold without an ex-criminal, a con man, a charming old person, or someone with a mental imbalance to help them out.
November 5, 2012 at 1:46 pm
Your hired!
But you mentioned you needed an assistant!
I am also for hire.. I am considered “zany” and often wear my hair in pigtails… I always wear clothes that some may consider inappropriate to wear to work . The clothes may suggest to some that I haven’t quite realised that I work in very serious environment…. these clothes are often a little unflattering, bright to the point of rave colours…. and printed often in polka dots, stripes. You will most likely always see me with a fancy pen and a fluro coloured clipboard to jot down any names you need me to investigate further from inside a computer which appears to be the one thing that you and those in the crime scene business CANNOT do without a stereotypical geek figure on hand to assist……. on that note.. don’t bother sending a Hire letter as I have already hacked into your computer and done this for you.. you can thank me later by calling me baby girl…