Life – The Yelp Reviews

January 21, 2013


Andrew L.  3 Stars.  I don’t know if this is a criticism or a compliment, but there’s almost too much to do.  There’s literally no possible way to do everything you’d like.  On one hand that’s great, but it can get frustrating.  “I want to be a surfer, oh wait, I want to be a lawyer, oh wait, I want to explore the Himalayas, oops, now it’s too late.”  Overall definitely worth checking out, though; just prioritize.

Yeah, the brochure makes it look great and all, but careful of a Bait & Switch.

Amanda C.  4 stars.  Amazing!  Amazing!  Amazing!  Ending is a little abrupt, though.

Matthew M.  1 star.  Honestly, I just didn’t see the point.  Sure, lots of flash and razzle dazzle, but where was it all going?  All style, no substance.

Ming-Mai X.  4.5 stars.  It’d be really easy to focus on the flaws (and there are plenty), but the bottom line is this: your not going to find an experience like this anywhere else.  There is just so much to be found and so many great things.  I know some people are like, “there’s war and disease” or “natural disasters ruin everything” or “Oh, pooping is gross and not pooping is even worse” or whatever, but truly – you just have to see this.  I’m not saying you’ll love everything about it, but until you’ve experienced it, you wouldn’t understand.

Jim B.  5 stars.  NINERS RULE!!!!!

Alicia V.  4 stars.  Amazing, really.  Incredible attention to detail; pretty much something for everyone.  Sure, there are some spots that it might be better without (puberty?  Whose brainchild was that?), but overall, just jaw-dropping.  A few suggestions for first-timers: Pizza.  Sunshine on your face.  Sex.  Hiking somewhere.  Naps.  Having a job you think is fun.  Helping people.

A must have.

Bhekithemba M.  2 stars.  Too many mosquitos.

Andre L.  2 stars.  There were some great things, but it was really all over the map.  There’s just no way to plan with any kind of consistency.  Just in the people I knew there was wealth, poverty, love, loneliness, happiness, misery, bad things happening to good people, unbelievable good fortune.  And as for any consistency in life span?  Don’t even get me started.  Unless you’re good with surprises I’d just stay away.

Impressive, sure, but sometimes they happen to good people. Makes no sense.

Bjorn J.  5 stars.  Wow!  Just, wow!  Silly childhood; crazy early-adulthood; your prime; sagely old-age – this had it all!  You totally never know what’s around the corner, and you think you’ve got it all figured and POW.  You just cannot predict what’s going to happen next.  Not to be missed.

Rebecca D.  3 stars.  Good overall, but if you hook up with Peter Menster in Newcastle, he won’t call you, even though he’ll say he will.  He’s a jerk and his car smells like B.O. and I hate him.

Sanjay P.  3 stars.  Totally worth it, but there are some improvements I’d like to see happen.  I still don’t get only learning things after making mistakes.  Seems counter-productive.  Also the constant specter of death kind of puts a damper on things.  A more even distribution of resources might also ensure everyone being more likely to have a good time.  Just a suggestion!

Steve D.  1 star.  So when I’m young I want someone to give me advice, but there isn’t anyone, then I get older and realize there were tons of people to help, only I didn’t listen because I was too stupid to realize people were there to help – which is why I needed the help in the first place.  If something like that sounds funny or ironic or whatever to you?  Maybe you’ll like this.  I just felt jerked around.  Pass.

Smelling this is generally recommended.  Preferably while stopped.

Smelling this is generally recommended. Preferably while stopped.

Walter P.  4 stars.  Okay, so first thing you’re probably going to think “What the hell?”  You’ll be confused, cold, hungry, everything’s kind of blurry and you can’t even lift up your own head.  That’s normal.  Give it time before you pass judgment.  It’s pretty tricky, because there’s this enormous world of possibility, and a tiny brain to process it all with, but if you stay loose, try new things, there’s nothing like it.

Byron M.  5 stars.  Cheese.  Trust me.  Try the cheese.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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59 Comments on “Life – The Yelp Reviews”

  1. twindaddy Says:

    I heart cheese. That makes it all worth it by itself.


  2. 1pointperspective Says:

    All this time wasted studying philosophy and history when I found out everything I needed was right here on Yelp! In my defense, Yelp hasn’t been around as long as me.


  3. k8edid Says:

    Too many mosquitos. Priceless.

    The beginning is much like the end, I think. “…You’ll be confused, cold, hungry, everything’s kind of blurry and you can’t even lift up your own head…”


  4. Life in the 50's and beyond... Says:

    I don’t even know what yelp is.


  5. Lily Says:

    5 Stars, Sir.


  6. speaker7 Says:

    I usually don’t make time for things like life, but these reviews are making me reconsider. Expecially the cheese one.


  7. Tori Nelson Says:

    Cheese. Can never go wrong with cheese 🙂


  8. Go Jules Go Says:

    G.D. bait and switch! Pretty sure my brochure said something about fame, fortune and the body of Marilyn Monroe. 0 out of 3, people? Really? No stars! Then again, I do have a blog. I heart my blog. And your blog. Okay. 1.5 stars.

    I love this post. And not just because of the puppy and the cheese.


  9. Hippie Cahier Says:

    Debbie C.:Thumbs up if you got here via Freshly Pressed!


  10. Lorna's Voice Says:

    Okay. I need help. What is Yelp and why would it need to be rated?


  11. Elyse Says:

    I gotta go with the puppy. Will you house break him for me?


  12. thefoodandwinehedonist Says:

    I can’t agree with you more on Matthew M. A total life of douchery… We’re talking that same one right? THe one who lives over at that one place?


  13. mistyslaws Says:

    Misty L: 2.5 Stars…..Cheese? Good. Lactose Intolerance? Bad. Puppies? Good (and super adorable). Pee on your pillow? So very bad. Roses? Smell Good. Thorns? Ouch! Rainbows? Really pretty. No pot of gold? Really unfair, damnit!

    All in all, it’s worth the journey if you remember there will be just as much good as bad. If you’re lucky, more good than bad.

    Oh, and pizza really is awesome. If you can eat cheese.


  14. winopants Says:

    Figures there’s always some grumpy bastards in there who don’t understand personal responsibility.
    This post was pure awesome-there’s a yelp for basically everything, you should start this category for real and see what people write :


  15. africanstardust Says:

    Ah, cheese. Cheese, coffee, and honey cheerios are what make me get up in the morning. That and the whole responsibility thing, which I have to say would be right down there with puberty if it didn’t make life exciting.


  16. Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) Says:

    Cheese makes everything better. Like bacon. And sarcasm. Sometimes.


  17. pegoleg Says:

    Can’t wait for the sequel.


  18. Renee B-W Says:

    “So I arrived, and it took me ages to find my way around, I mean, where are all the signposts? No one understood anything I said so I spent the first, like, year or so just crying with frustration. Then I found my feet and things improved a bit. My trip’s not over yet, so I’m withholding final judgement, but so far I’d say 4-4.5 stars.”


  19. List of X Says:

    I don’t know if you are aware, but some of the Yelp reviews are bogus and written to improve the average review score. They are often written by the owners of whatever is being reviewed. So, in that case, by people who have a life. For example, this Byron M. review looks very suspicious to me.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Yeah, I guess that’s the danger of a wiki set up like that. In theory, though, over time those will get distilled out. It’s one thing to have 3 fake reviews when there’s 8 total. It’s another if there’s 800.

      And Byron M is nothing is not suspicious…


  20. thesinglecell Says:

    Thank you for the misuse of the word “your” in the 4.5 star comment. I swear to you, that made the whole thing.


  21. Derek Zenith Says:

    I wonder who first made cheese.



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