So as many of you may know, I part-time, sometimes, in my extra time, do some modeling. Now I know what you’re thinking: “Wow, Byronic Man is so cool and glamorous! He’s like James Bond and Jimmy Page and Indiana Jones and George Clooney and, I don’t know, hell with it, Charlemagne rolled in to one!”
You’re not thinking that? Oh. Would you like to?
For just a moment?
Not even…?
Okay, fine.
And you would be right to dash my illusions. Last Spring I did a shoot for athletic gear, which I talked about in the post Skiing With The Attractivesons, and said I would include some of the photos when the catalogue came out. This has turned out to be a lot more difficult than it should have been.
Now, it’s pretty standard practice to tell the actors or models that they’ll send you copies of the photos with you in them, and then roll their eyes when you’re not looking. It’s also pretty standard to not send you copies of whatever the finished product is.
But this was something new.
The family who looks nothing alike? The toboggan rides with Santa hats? Did I… did I dream that?
I kept my eye out for the catalogue, and kept not seeing it. And not seeing it. And not seeing it. Finally, it was December and I thought that if the catalogue wasn’t out yet, they’re marketing department needed a little shake-up. A little pot stir. I called the company’s information line and asked for a copy of their Winter catalogue.
The woman on the line replied, “We don’t have a catalogue.”
“Uh. Wh–. Um… Yeah-huh.”
“No, we only have the online materials.”
“But… I’m… in it. I mean… somebody was taking my picture…”
This was seeming like I’d been the victim of an epically weird prank. Or the most thoroughly thought-out stalking. Ever.
Like the ski goggles? $600. Comes with GPS. Also, four $100 bills, I’d assume.
So nothing came of it. I hung up. I tried the company directly and couldn’t reach the guy in charge. Finally, a couple weeks ago, I was having dinner with friends, and someone there worked for the company. I asked him about it. He actually had a couple copies of the catalogue. I told him about my experience.
“Yeah,” he said. “They don’t want people to know about the catalogue.”
I said that seemed like a questionable business strategy. He said that the catalogues were so expensive to produce that they were trying to re-direct people to the online sales instead. To recap:
- They shot the materials for the catalogue.
- Assembled the catalogue.
- Printed the catalogue.
- But didn’t tell anyone about the catalogue.
Ah, there’s nothing like a hot cup of empty, and some fleece outdoor-wear in front of a roaring fire on a May afternoon, is there?
Boy, I just don’t understand how business works; because that seems, well, silly to me.
Flipping through the catalogue, there were a couple good shots. Several key elements they left out – the plan had been to make the theme “High Performance” but they didn’t include any of the shots of me careening through the ski park’s parking lot in this very cool, very fast, car; my pretend family grimacing and clutching the seats in terror. Lame.
So, not only is it not people running up to you on the street to tell you how wonderful you are, and being flown to exotic locales, it’s spending a month on the equivalent of a geocache hunt to find a catalogue that the company is trying to keep anyone from seeing.
Of course, it could be worse.
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P.S. – Don’t forget to submit your entry for the caption contest!
The Byronic Man 
January 14, 2013 at 3:23 am
It’s like they think wizards don’t have feelings! (Yes, yes I am delighted you linked to that post at the end.)
But my head’s as itchy as if I was wearing a santa hat in May. (I’m trying to say that this is a real head-scratcher.) And no car? Psh.
The pictures are great, though. Totes pillowcase worthy.
January 14, 2013 at 9:35 am
That link was for you, my friend (*Wink/finger-point thing*)
And I’m not ashamed of that wizard photo! I’m proud! Proud!
Nah, that’s a lie. Seeing it was like a magical portal taking me back to jr. high while wearing out of fashion clothes.
January 14, 2013 at 3:49 am
I should’ve figured you were a model. You have that Smizing (eye smiling?) thing that Tyra always hollers about.
January 14, 2013 at 9:37 am
I hadn’t heard of “smizing.” I’m glad you clarified what it is or I’d have had no idea how to take that (Is she saying I look like I have an obscure venereal disease?). I’ve only gotten the bargain-basement version “thinking about smiling, but don’t smile.”
January 14, 2013 at 3:55 am
So the snow is artificial? Snotoshopped?
January 14, 2013 at 9:38 am
No, there was still snow up at the mountain. Wet, sloppy, disgusting end-of-year snow.
January 14, 2013 at 4:00 am
I really don’t understand the whole catalogue hoarding thought process. The pictures are great and your fake family are really a good-looking brood. The photo with the little arrow pointing to the goggles gave me a chuckle. It reminded me of those photos you see in motorcycle magazines where the half naked girl is spread eagle on a bike and then there is the little arrow to snap you back to reality..”you’re here to shop for a bike.” You’re officially …. a lure or snow bait.
January 14, 2013 at 9:39 am
Hm… there’s a couple of veeeerrry different ways to take the comparison of the naked girl spread-eagle on the bike… I’m going with positive…
And I’m definitely putting “snow bait” on my resume now.
January 14, 2013 at 4:55 pm
It’s a compliment! Oh, “Snow Bait” needs to go on the resume. If that doesn’t land an interview, we clearly live in a world of drones.
January 14, 2013 at 4:31 am
An expensive catalog that nobody gets to see? Do my neighbors know about this? Because that would make it vital that the trophy wives around me get a catalog and buy all the items in it for their husbands, their children and themselves. Quick get me the marketing department…
January 14, 2013 at 9:40 am
Maybe that’s how I should spin it. Like it’s so elite.
“Oh, you’re in a catalogue? Have I seen it?”
“Oh… I doubt YOU’D know about it…”
January 14, 2013 at 9:43 am
It would work well. In my zip code we get catalogs for vacations involving private jets …
January 14, 2013 at 5:35 am
Believe it or not this has been a common practice for a lot of companies for several years now. Some have completely stopped producing catalogues and only promote online. Others keep them mysterious and you can only get them if you can figure out how to order them. They usually only have a small portion of the stuff in them and always direct you to find more online. It all comes down to cost.
By the way, all the snow around here right now is fake too.
January 14, 2013 at 9:42 am
That’s interesting – the whole “You have to be cool enough thing to be a member, and the way you’re cool enough is if you’re a member” approach. It works, sad to say. Every time I spend too much at REI I’m reminded of that.
January 14, 2013 at 5:39 am
Yeah yeah yeah, obscure and never seen catalog, blah blah.
But . . . can you introduce me to George Clooney? I mean, that’s what I got out of this post. That was the entire point, no?
January 14, 2013 at 9:43 am
Hm, I’ll see what I can do. Clooney might be tough, but last night I had a dream – for some reason – I was friends with Stephen Colbert, and that might be an in with him!
January 14, 2013 at 6:23 am
I’m sure that catalog is being researched. The company has top men working on it right now. Top. Men.
January 14, 2013 at 9:43 am
Nicely done. Very, very nicely done.
January 14, 2013 at 6:39 am
I don’t get it. A catalogue for no one to look at? What good is it? How do they sell anything? Well, at least you got paid, right? You did get paid?
January 14, 2013 at 9:44 am
They told me the check is hidden under a rock somewhere within city limits. I’m closing in on it!
January 14, 2013 at 6:59 am
Congratulations, Sir, on your new tear sheets even if they were… secret tear sheets. 😉
January 14, 2013 at 9:45 am
“Can we see your portfolio?”
“No. It’s a secret portfolio. You’re not cool enough to see it.”
“Ooh, let’s hire him!”
January 14, 2013 at 7:04 am
Is there something above supermodel, because I feel like being featured in a magazine so exclusive it gets locked away in the same secret warehouse as the lost ark found by Indiana Jones could place you and your fellow snow models in just such a category. “We can never release this,” the photographer says “these pictures are just too good.”
January 14, 2013 at 9:46 am
I think it’s called Thermonuclearmodel. But they really should go with “Ark-of-the-Covenant Model”
“Gasp! She’s beautiful! AAAAAUUUUUGH!” *Face melts*
January 14, 2013 at 9:49 am
See, you should thank them for removing those pictures. I think it’s just better for the safety of our melt prone faces.
January 15, 2013 at 3:16 am
Face Melter. That’s another one for the resume.
January 14, 2013 at 7:06 am
Drag you get all the ski shoots. One of my coworker’s daughters always gets swimsuit shoots and gets all the tropical shoots BUT they only pay for like a day or 2 (she usually stays extra!).
January 14, 2013 at 12:07 pm
Well, I live in the mountains, so skiing/hiking/etc. tends to work out better.
January 14, 2013 at 2:18 pm
She lives in Missouri. We were 12F today 🙂 She flies to whatever gig.
January 14, 2013 at 2:24 pm
…and I think you missed my hint that your agent needs to book you some tropical gigs where you can stay extra days for a deep discount
January 14, 2013 at 7:32 am
Just rename the blog to The Attractive Man and own your unpublished but printed status.
Man.
January 14, 2013 at 12:18 pm
It’s actually painful for me to write about this stuff, because it always feels like I’m saying, “Oooooh, look at me, everybody! I’m so handsome that people pay to take pictures of me being handsome in their stuff!” As though I’m either flaunting it, as if it were meaningful, or – worse – being falsely modest. I finally decided, okay, it’s stuff that happened, it’s a blog… I’ll go with it.
January 15, 2013 at 3:25 am
The modesty is noble, but misguided. You have the right “look” for the client, simple as that. Some might prefer Rowan Atkinson, you know.
January 15, 2013 at 5:26 pm
Yes, but it’s really hard to say that without sounding defensive.
January 14, 2013 at 7:49 am
Ironically, I got an SEO for “ski jacket” yesterday. I searched Google images to see what photo of mine could have brought someone to my blog. I only checked the first two pages and didn’t find anything. Hey, maybe your photos are posted there!
I have never modeled anything nor have I been asked. Alas, you are much fairer than I, Byronic Man! 🙂
January 14, 2013 at 12:16 pm
I love trying to figure out why Google sent people my way on Image searches. I’m not complaining, I just can’t figure it out. Last week, in the space of one hour, I got 175 hits from people looking for “The Monopoly Guy.” I really, really wish I knew the story there.
January 14, 2013 at 2:40 pm
That is a LOT of hits! Whoa!
January 14, 2013 at 7:59 am
Yeah, I think maybe you need a new agent? You are making me, like, soooo glad I turned down that offer to be a supermodel. But I’ll look for you on the next box of cat food I buy. Maybe they’ll put your face on a tabby.
January 14, 2013 at 12:12 pm
Oh, I could do “cat.” Just give me a chance.
January 14, 2013 at 8:04 am
Ah, the science of marketing… Well, at least you look good in the photos.
And you’re right, it just doesn’t have that “high performance” feel to it. Did you have to ski during the photo shoot?
January 14, 2013 at 12:12 pm
No, we got up to the lift, then turned around. I brought my gear, just in case. Team B got to go into the woods with snowmobiles, skis and tow-ropes, so someone could get hauled along.
January 14, 2013 at 8:12 am
Now that you have your long awaited print work will you be adding it to your portfolio? Or, as the industry calls it your “book”?
January 14, 2013 at 12:13 pm
My blog is my portfolio. For some reason that’s not working, though.
January 14, 2013 at 8:45 am
Ever consider reality TV? I know America’s Next Top Model has had a college edition, plus size edition, and tiny model edition. I’m sure with these photos under your belt you’d be a shoo-in for American’s Next Top 30ish Male Model. (I’d keep the wizard photo under wraps, though.)
You are FIERCE in those goggles!
January 14, 2013 at 12:10 pm
That’s the steely-eyed look of trying not to wince while tiny, tiny particles of sleet whip in my face.
January 14, 2013 at 9:14 am
Model looks and wit and wisdom, whatever next? A campaign trailer for real magazines :0)
January 14, 2013 at 12:15 pm
Next I’ll be discussing my ability to fly.
January 14, 2013 at 10:10 am
Well this just bursts my bubble. Next thing you’re going to tell me is that the women in the Victoria’s Secret catalogue aren’t really all frolicking in their skivvies by a fireplace in a gorgeous log cabin.
January 14, 2013 at 12:09 pm
Oh, that’s all real. And any commercial where an “actual customer” tells you how great the product is, is just some random customer, not an actor who was given the product to make him, technically, a customer.
January 14, 2013 at 10:19 am
Lots of money spent. No results. Trying to keep it a secret. Hmmm…was this financed with bailout money and coordinated by the government? Sure sounds like it.
January 14, 2013 at 12:08 pm
Catalogue: Accomplished!
January 14, 2013 at 11:10 am
A secret catalog that has nothing to do with Victoria’s Secret? Weird
January 14, 2013 at 12:08 pm
“Gary’s Secret.” Much less appealing.
January 14, 2013 at 1:11 pm
Seriously? …SERIOUSLY? Too much attractiveness and talent. Can not compute.
Look, I’ll come clean. The reason they have no more catalogs is because I stole them all. I had to hang your pictures in my locker. I have a rather large locker.
January 15, 2013 at 8:13 am
I would like to think that at least one of them has a big heart with “25TF + TBM 4eva” written in it.
January 15, 2013 at 8:18 am
I can confirm this as factual, only the inside of the heart actually reads, “25TF + TBM = MFEO”. That’s, “made for each other” if you haven’t seen Sleepless in Seattle.
January 14, 2013 at 2:21 pm
Well, at least you figured out an actual photographer was taking the pictures, and not some Golem character hoarding them all in his basement going “My precioussssss” while rubbing the pictures over his face.
I actually do some pinafore modeling on the side, myself.
January 15, 2013 at 8:16 am
Very tasteful of you to end that sentence with “face.”
And thanks for reminding me that the Spring pinafores come out soon!
January 15, 2013 at 9:16 am
I am nothing if not tasteful.
January 14, 2013 at 2:53 pm
Now that’s bizzaro ~ maybe it was some weirdo that is just secretly hording pictures of you in his/her room…
January 15, 2013 at 8:17 am
That would be a strangely impressive effort.
January 15, 2013 at 8:29 am
You can’t account for weird
January 15, 2013 at 9:16 am
Like Golem. My precioussssssssss.
January 15, 2013 at 12:38 pm
That creature freaked my son out when he was a toddler before he he learned to speak – he desperately signed “Finish! Finish” and cried … I think he’s scarred for life 🙂 he has no desire (now aged 10) to see scary stuff.
January 14, 2013 at 4:49 pm
Yes, Charlemagne. That has been bugging me. Thanks for helping me put my finger on it!
The hats had to have been photoshopped, or the downhill speeding action was. Those Santa hats should have been blowing in the breeze!
January 15, 2013 at 8:18 am
I know, people are always like, “You remind me of… somebody… damn… it’s on the tip of my tongue…” And I say, “Charlemagne?” And they’re all, “THANK you!”
And no, that’s real hats, really sledding. They’re cinched on really tight, and that’s only seconds in to the sled ride.
January 14, 2013 at 8:19 pm
THank you for reminding me of the Byronic/Galdalf experience. It makes my soul happy.
January 15, 2013 at 8:19 am
Yeah. The wizard photo.
Yeah.
Sigh.
January 14, 2013 at 8:27 pm
I oversee a catalog design twice a year – seems crazy to go to all that effort to make something that you keep secret – wow.
January 15, 2013 at 8:20 am
I’m sure it’s something that sounded reasonable in the boardroom. And the five people thinking “that doesn’t make any sense” didn’t want to get yelled at.
January 14, 2013 at 8:45 pm
Some stores sell (or used to sell) print catalogues. I have a vague memory of shopping for curtains at Sears (or some store like it) in the early 2000s and wanting a catalog to take home, and discovering they weren’t free (I think they were $5.00).
January 15, 2013 at 8:21 am
Really? You had to pay for a catalogue? Wow. Corporate America (and England) found out we had a baby and we get catalogues for baby clothes daily now. That makes sense though, because on your own you’d go to somewhere cheap. But it’s physically impossible to look at pictures of cute baby clothes and not buy them.
January 15, 2013 at 5:27 am
Tag your it! Time for your award!
January 15, 2013 at 8:22 am
Thanks! I really appreciate that.
January 15, 2013 at 12:14 pm
You look very disgruntled in the second one. “I don’t think Avatar is a good movie.”
January 28, 2013 at 5:49 pm
I love that there is an empty pair of pants about to walk right over you. Product placement?
February 6, 2013 at 2:23 pm
I’m sorry. You lost me with that wizard photo link. What was this post about again?