It can get depressing right now, as we head in to the darkest part of the year (yes, I know technically the days are getting longer – tell that to reality). Or, if you’re in Australia, it’s probably a little depressing that it’s 400 degrees and the entire country is on fire. But for whatever’s getting you down, remember that there’s always someone you can turn to for reliable, sensual, often lethal advice. Yes, you can always…
Ask Sexy Stalin!
Dear Sexy Stalin,
Are those WWSSD bracelets FOR REAL? I would rock those fascist bands in an instant. Your comrade, Dana
Dana, I cannot doubt for a moment that a WWSSD wristband would accentuate your lovely sexiness. The red would bring out the fire in your eyes, and the WWSSD would show you have taste and refinement. Fortunately for all, they are real, and there are 3 ways to get one, which I will have my lackey, The Byronic Man, explain below.
Dear Sexy Stalin,
I am a Freshman at Arizona State University, and it can be hard to balance schoolwork and the people around me. What tips can you give me to help me out? Sincerely, AsimovSideburns
The transition to college is one of life’s biggest changes and it can be a lot to keep sane in. A couple things can make it easier:
Professors can seems intimidating, and the workload overwhelming. Establish yourself to your professors as someone to be taken seriously. Consider stripping the professor nude and making him watch at gunpoint as you burn his house down. This can be quite the esteem booster, and will make a big impression on other professors!
- Perhaps you are wishing to impress yourself, physically, upon the ladies (or gentlemen – Sexy Stalin very open minded, sexually. He is close minded about everything else). Chicks dig power. Also, they like men who refer to themselves in the third person. Finally, make yourself look as much like Sexy Stalin as possible.
Dear Sexy Stalin, If you were to sing back up for any ukulele trio, who would it be and why? Sincerely, M (is for Moscow, it’s good enough for me), aka The Meredith Mouth
Sexy Stalin sings backup for no one. Someone tried to make me their back-up once. This rendered him unable to see me coming.
Dear Sexy Stalin, What kind of aftershave do you use? What would happen if we got caught between the moon and New York City? Are you better skilled with personal hygiene than Rasputin was? – Angie Z
First off, a lady with many questions is very, very attractive. Unless she is questioning the methods by which I maintain order. My aftershave is a special blend of bear pheromone, the tears of a heartbroken virgin girl, and a hint of sandalwood. As for Rasputin, psh. What a фигляр. Smelled terrible and his only line for trying to impress the beautiful women was, “Hey, babooshka, you ever make it with a man who is remarkably hard to kill?” He tried to make us call him The Kool-R but we just laughed at him. Fortunately, his foolishness and foul odor made Stalin seem even sexier, if such a thing is possible.
Which it is not.
Should such a lovely as yourself and myself get caught between the moon and New York City, though our stomachs would turn at the crass capitalist filth, I suspect that the best of which we would be capable is falling in love. Sexy, sexy love.
Thanks to everyone who wrote in for this installment of Ask Sexy Stalin! Do you want your very own What Would Sexy Stalin Do? wristband? My God, of course you do! Who wouldn’t? Well there are three options:
- Submit a relationship or career question for Ask Sexy Stalin below and if it’s used, boom, wristband.
- Simply email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and request one. Hopefully, you would then take a photo of yourself wearing it in public (preferably in some frustrating situation in which you might be wondering, WWSSD?).
- The third way is to receive one as a gift from Stalin after a night of passion. You might want to explore the other two, first.