“Join the Take ‘N Bake Revolution!” – Papa Murphy’s Pizza flyer left at our house.
Day 152: I know we must continue to work in the shadows, but at times my rage is barely containable. I watch these people deceived by the mindless convenience of the oppressive “delivery” system under which we toil. It pains me not to speak out, but I know there is always suffering in war. And this is a war – not a battle. Someday they will be free. Someday.
Here’s your pizza ma’am. Cheese, olives AND EXTRA MENTAL ENSLAVEMENT.
Day 158: The Domino’s delivery guy followed me home again. As usual, he made a silly show of “delivering” his totalitarian opiate to the government stooges posing as stoner college students 3 doors down. I am not fooled.
Day 166: Saw a couple buying dough in the grocery store today, along with peppers and tomatoes. They spoke of “making their own pizza” and how “fresh everything would be.” I couldn’t help but laugh bitterly in their deluded faces. Fools. Fools.
Day 189: Papered the neighborhood with pamphlets trying to bring people’s awareness to our cause. Worked under the cover of darkness. I know it was a risk, but I can’t sit back doing nothing. The people need to know. They need to know.
Day 195: Word comes that General Murphy himself may come to speak to us personally! How this will lift our spirits!
Oh, thought you could just make a pizza at home, eh? Well, you can season your burnt toppings and underdone crust with your tears!
Day 197: No sign of the General. Some of the more cynical say that the General isn’t even a real person. That Papa Murphy is simply a conglomerate logo created when a branch of the Papa John’s Pizza Company took over Father Murphy’s Incorporated. Have they never heard of an alias? A man as hunted as General Murphy must constantly reinvent himself.
Day 204: There was a Pizza Hut raid on one of our safe houses during a meeting. They knew right when to strike. Someone tipped them off. I was supposed to be there but was delayed. I must continue the fight for my fallen Take ‘N Bake brothers and sisters.
Day 208: Tomorrow we strike! It will be most glorious! The days of oppressive, hegemonic deliveragarchy are over! The unending agony of “self-baking” fringe dwellers will know joy at last! I know the Little Caesar’s controlled media will print that we are monsters but history will speak the truth of this revolution. Someday they will write songs of our courage.
Day 209: Failure. Catastrophe. The Domino’s Militia pounced on us in under thirty minutes of our launching our offensive. We are scattered; wounded. But our spirits are strong. We shall emerge from this even grander. For, there is still tomorrow. And as we all know, pizza is always better the next day.
The Byronic Man 
January 3, 2013 at 3:49 am
You will not be defeated. The blood of your foes will run through the streets like their watery-excuse for sauce.
January 3, 2013 at 8:28 am
After the revolution, there can be all these “revolution-themed” pizzas. “Here’s your ‘Freedom of the People.’ Half Sausage of Defiance, half Battle of Mushroom Hill, extra Blood Of The Fallen.”
January 3, 2013 at 2:20 pm
Can I have a side of Freedom Fries with that, please.
January 3, 2013 at 4:45 am
Do you hear the people sing? Singing a song of angry pizza mogul.
I’m inspired to join you only I think Papa John’s pizza sucks.
January 3, 2013 at 7:04 am
Red! The color of pizza sauce!
Black! The dark of sliced olives!
Red! A group of chopped tomatoes!
Black! The crispy edges of crust!
I just saw Les Mis this weekend and couldn’t help myself. 😉
January 3, 2013 at 8:26 am
Still, very stirring.
January 3, 2013 at 8:24 am
I’ve never actually had it. It’s hard to imagine anything to wonderful about any chain pizza, really.
January 3, 2013 at 5:05 am
Once again, I must bow to the King of Captions!
Also, this: “A man as hunted as General Murphy must constantly reinvent himself.” HA.
January 3, 2013 at 8:22 am
Thanks – I saw that and thought, “they are pretty good today aren’t – AW MAN, A TYPO??”
January 3, 2013 at 5:22 am
Wow all that creative righting steming from pizza. I need to eat more. 🙂
January 3, 2013 at 8:28 am
I really should thank the person who left the ad.
January 3, 2013 at 5:57 am
Like pizza dough, you shall rise!
Great stuff!
January 3, 2013 at 8:29 am
The comments are starting to depress me – everyone’s coming up with all these great pizza puns I didn’t even think of.
January 3, 2013 at 8:53 am
It was the yeast we could do.
January 3, 2013 at 7:04 am
Thanks for your efforts keeping us safe. Us country folk are too far away to be raided. But we do have to work hard to avoid passing through their totalitarian $5.00 pizza checkpoints.
January 3, 2013 at 8:30 am
They’re especially tough now that they’ve eliminated the “calzone loophole.”
January 3, 2013 at 7:13 am
Let us rise like the yeast for our nation hungers for a slice of victory. The take and bake nation will not b- eaten.
January 3, 2013 at 7:14 am
Wait. What? Yes it will!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
January 3, 2013 at 8:31 am
That could be a confusing chant, couldn’t it? “Wait, but we want to eat our pizza, right? But not be beaten?” “Just chant!”
January 3, 2013 at 8:49 am
Hahaha! Remember to swallow first. We don’t want the front line to go down choking….
January 3, 2013 at 7:20 am
Diners of the world… PRE-HEAT!
January 3, 2013 at 8:21 am
I reeeeally wish I’d thought of that. I may have to report that comment as Spam.
January 3, 2013 at 7:30 am
All I can say is that I make excellent pizza…
January 3, 2013 at 8:32 am
Well, if you want to make one and send it to me I’d be happy to give some feedback.
I like making them, too.
January 3, 2013 at 8:34 am
I have no kraken-network to ensnare you with corporate tastiness…lmk if you’re ever in CO, and I shall deliver it.
January 3, 2013 at 8:46 am
Run far and fast from Pizza Hut and Dominos….
I have some tales of funny pizza delivery stories if you are inclined..
January 3, 2013 at 1:05 pm
I don’t think I’ve ever actually had Pizza Hut. And I stopped eating Dominos about the time I realized the box was as tasty and organic as the pizza.
January 3, 2013 at 1:45 pm
Smart move – avoid anyplace that stuffs everything with cheese (especially the Bolshevik kind) and gives you left over sauce as a ‘dipping’….
January 3, 2013 at 9:24 am
I was freaked out that I was eating Domino’s pizza when I got to reading your post. Now I can’t even finish it. I have to look for spies.
January 3, 2013 at 1:01 pm
When you Follow my blog it automatically signs a waiver saying that I can plant cameras in your home in order to “better serve” you, my readers.
January 3, 2013 at 1:04 pm
HA! Got you! I wasn’t even at home, I was at work! Muhaha.
For the ones you have at my home. Sorry. Just… I am sorry.
January 3, 2013 at 1:14 pm
Don’t be – it’s been highly educational. You really are an excellent dancer.
Oh, I think you need milk, though. I know it still smells okay, but when it’s that far past the expiration, it’s best to just replace it.
January 3, 2013 at 1:18 pm
I think I am okay with the cameras now. Off to buy milk now. Good looking out.
January 3, 2013 at 9:44 am
I am terribly confused about pizza these days. I can’t remember which political mogul who wants to control my life or where I place my genitalia or whether Obamacare should be permitted in a free society and which one was made by that gross guy with the drippy acne when I stopped by to pick up a pizza in person.
These questions are helpful only to my new year’s resolution (from last year) of losing weight.
January 3, 2013 at 1:10 pm
I know, and then there’s the whole “If you eat at Fast Food Restaurant A, you hate gay people” and “Every time you eat at Fast Food Restaurant B you’re personally responsible for destroying 9 acres of rainforest” and such.
Really, it’s best in every way to just avoid them entirely.
January 3, 2013 at 1:56 pm
It is getting way too complicated to be a food activist/lazy person.
January 3, 2013 at 9:48 am
Hmmm, now I’m craving a pie. Good thing I just picked up some DiGiorno. I know what we are having for dinner tonight.
POWER TO THE PIZZA!!
January 3, 2013 at 1:03 pm
The whole referring to pizzas as “pies” thing is just nonexistent on the west coast. I remember the first time someone asked if I wanted to “split a pie” and I was really thrown. “Uh, I mean, I guess… sure… I like pie…” I just assumed this was a really quirky, pie-loving guy.
January 3, 2013 at 11:29 am
I make my own. Gotta put that education to use.
January 3, 2013 at 1:13 pm
If colleges offered courses in pizza making, they’d fill up immediately.
January 3, 2013 at 11:38 am
While this war wages between delivery and take home Digiorno waits eagerly in the shadows ready to pounce upon the weakened victor. They won’t know what hit them.
January 3, 2013 at 1:12 pm
“Is this delivery?”
“No, it’s DIGIORNO, MOTHER F***ER! CHAAAAAARRRGE!!”
January 3, 2013 at 1:19 pm
Precisely their strategy. You must have a spy in their midst. Kudos to you.
January 3, 2013 at 11:40 am
I was asking someone just the other day: “When will the days of oppressive, hegemonic deliveragarchy be over?” Thanks for answering that for me.
January 3, 2013 at 1:11 pm
I have a bumper sticker, if you’d like.
January 3, 2013 at 4:50 pm
I shall stand by my pretentious pizza preparation, as a member of the pretentious pizza preparation patrol. AKA the Quad-P.
When I read “take and bake” I think it’s somehow related to “wake and bake”. But involving marijuana theft.
January 5, 2013 at 8:39 am
*Gasp!* A member of the enigmatic Quad-P!
And I’ve always had similar thoughts about the phrase “take n bake.” I’ve also wondered if it’s some quasi-subliminal attempt to draw the stoner crowd to their pizzas… if only they could get motivated enough to drive there. And operate the oven.
January 5, 2013 at 9:04 am
Maybe someone’s trying to kill the stoners off. “Yes…make a pizza. Put your head in the oven.”
January 3, 2013 at 7:52 pm
All this talk of a revolution is causing my head to hurt. As long as the pizza has plenty of cheese, sauce, and pepperoni, it’s good enough for me. There’s isn’t a slice of pizza I’d turn away.
January 5, 2013 at 8:40 am
I don’t know, I’ve seen some lumps of Little Caesar’s that have made me a lot less hungry fast.
January 3, 2013 at 9:48 pm
Liberté, Égalité, Pepperoné!
January 5, 2013 at 8:40 am
Very nice.
January 4, 2013 at 2:43 pm
omg this cracked me up… papa murphy’s will never be the same to me again… i’m still giggling…
January 5, 2013 at 8:41 am
I’ve heard you get $3 off if you shout “VIVA LA REVOLUTION!” at the top of your lungs in the store.
January 4, 2013 at 11:04 pm
Viva la stuffed crust *trumpet blast*
January 5, 2013 at 8:41 am
I’ve wondered how they do that. I suspect the answer would not make the pizza more enticing.
January 6, 2013 at 3:29 am
I’m eating cold pizza right now for breakfast. I’m with Keeping it Real, I would never turn down a slice.
This was a hilarious post. I nearly choked when I read: The people need to know. They need to know. and then I spit out my pizza when I read: Fools. Fools.
(also, LOVE your new theme, snazzy!)
January 6, 2013 at 11:51 am
Cheezy and saucy, just the way I like it. And it’s true. Pizza is always better the next day!
January 7, 2013 at 12:57 am
Um, Papa Murphy’s okay. But I make pizza from scratch at my house a couple of times a month. I make the dough, the sauce and everything from scratch. I make the meat-centered pizzas the men-folk crave, and I make my more gourmet veggie and chicken and homemade pesto (or sometimes pizza margerhita) pizza for me. Mmm. Fresh pesto. Yum. Best of all, I can make it to order for my dietary restricted husband with kidney disease, which is nice (very little sodium added, low on dairy products and tomatoes) and still make it taste good (surprisingly–I thought for sure without much cheese or sauce on the pizza it would be gross, but it was still damn good, if I do say so myself) …. And the nice thing about making it at home is that I can make multiple pies for multiple people all with different stuff on it without paying a fortune.
The dough making is the time-consuming part, because of the rise times. So I just make sure I double or triple the batch and freeze the unused portion of dough so I can easily make pizza another day. I take it out the day before I want to make pizza and stick in the fridge to thaw.
My dad told me my pizza is just like Flying Pie Pizza, which is my favorite pizza joint here in Portland. Their stuff is da bomb. So I was pretty flattered by that.
Mmmm. Homemade pizza….
January 8, 2013 at 3:18 pm
Dude this post is amazeballs….I greatly dislike papa murpheys, but this post strangely makes me want to locate one and join the revolution!
January 8, 2013 at 6:17 pm
It’s okay to simply believe in the cause.
January 13, 2013 at 7:24 am
How can you hope to win against these giants for they have the political power to sweep aside the freedom fries fighters? Britain is under the rule of the Burger King. The small pizza franchises have fallen like dominoes to… Dominos. Subway have driven other sandwich makers underground. Does nobody remember the battle for the name of Kentucky Fried Chicken in Europe? Now that noble name reduced by the armies of rule making men in Brussels simply to KFC! Oh great Colonel Sanders where are your nuggets of truth? How we loved the chicken of Kentucky and see how the years have passed and now no-one writes to the Colonel. (p.s split my sides laughing… and my medium coke…)