Viva La Revolution! (With Extra Dipping Sauce)

January 3, 2013


“Join the Take ‘N Bake Revolution!” – Papa Murphy’s Pizza flyer left at our house.

Day 152: I know we must continue to work in the shadows, but at times my rage is barely containable.  I watch these people deceived by the mindless convenience of the oppressive “delivery” system under which we toil.  It pains me not to speak out, but I know there is always suffering in war.  And this is a war – not a battle.  Someday they will be free.  Someday.

Here's your pizza ma'am.  Cheese, olives AND COMPLIMENTARY MENTAL ENSLAVMENT.

Here’s your pizza ma’am. Cheese, olives AND EXTRA MENTAL ENSLAVEMENT.

Day 158: The Domino’s delivery guy followed me home again.  As usual, he made a silly show of “delivering” his totalitarian opiate to the government stooges posing as stoner college students 3 doors down.  I am not fooled.

Day 166: Saw a couple buying dough in the grocery store today, along with peppers and tomatoes.  They spoke of “making their own pizza” and how “fresh everything would be.”  I couldn’t help but laugh bitterly in their deluded faces.  Fools.  Fools.

Day 189: Papered the neighborhood with pamphlets trying to bring people’s awareness to our cause.  Worked under the cover of darkness. I know it was a risk, but I can’t sit back doing nothing.  The people need to know.  They need to know.

Day 195: Word comes that General Murphy himself may come to speak to us personally!  How this will lift our spirits!

Oh, thought you could just make a pizza at home, eh?  Thought you'd be fine on your own?  Well, you can salt burnt toppings and underdone crust with your tears.

Oh, thought you could just make a pizza at home, eh? Well, you can season your burnt toppings and underdone crust with your tears!

Day 197: No sign of the General.  Some of the more cynical say that the General isn’t even a real person.  That Papa Murphy is simply a conglomerate logo created when a branch of the Papa John’s Pizza Company took over Father Murphy’s Incorporated.  Have they never heard of an alias?  A man as hunted as General Murphy must constantly reinvent himself.

Day 204: There was a Pizza Hut raid on one of our safe houses during a meeting.  They knew right when to strike.  Someone tipped them off.  I was supposed to be there but was delayed. I must continue the fight for my fallen Take ‘N Bake brothers and sisters.

Day 208: Tomorrow we strike! It will be most glorious!  The days of oppressive, hegemonic deliveragarchy are over!   The unending agony of “self-baking” fringe dwellers will know joy at last!  I know the Little Caesar’s controlled media will print that we are monsters but history will speak the truth of this revolution.  Someday they will write songs of our courage.

Day 209: Failure.  Catastrophe.  The Domino’s Militia pounced on us in under thirty minutes of our launching our offensive.  We are scattered; wounded.  But our spirits are strong.  We shall emerge from this even grander.  For, there is still tomorrow.  And as we all know, pizza is always better the next day.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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62 Comments on “Viva La Revolution! (With Extra Dipping Sauce)”

  1. 1pointperspective Says:

    You will not be defeated. The blood of your foes will run through the streets like their watery-excuse for sauce.


  2. speaker7 Says:

    Do you hear the people sing? Singing a song of angry pizza mogul.
    I’m inspired to join you only I think Papa John’s pizza sucks.


  3. Go Jules Go Says:

    Once again, I must bow to the King of Captions!

    Also, this: “A man as hunted as General Murphy must constantly reinvent himself.” HA.


  4. LizForADay Says:

    Wow all that creative righting steming from pizza. I need to eat more. 🙂


  5. rossmurray1 Says:

    Like pizza dough, you shall rise!

    Great stuff!


  6. Brown Road Chronicles Says:

    Thanks for your efforts keeping us safe. Us country folk are too far away to be raided. But we do have to work hard to avoid passing through their totalitarian $5.00 pizza checkpoints.


  7. susielindau Says:

    Let us rise like the yeast for our nation hungers for a slice of victory. The take and bake nation will not b- eaten.


  8. spilledinkguy Says:

    Diners of the world… PRE-HEAT!


  9. TAE Says:

    All I can say is that I make excellent pizza…


  10. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher Says:

    Run far and fast from Pizza Hut and Dominos….
    I have some tales of funny pizza delivery stories if you are inclined..


  11. becca3416 Says:

    I was freaked out that I was eating Domino’s pizza when I got to reading your post. Now I can’t even finish it. I have to look for spies.


  12. Elyse Says:

    I am terribly confused about pizza these days. I can’t remember which political mogul who wants to control my life or where I place my genitalia or whether Obamacare should be permitted in a free society and which one was made by that gross guy with the drippy acne when I stopped by to pick up a pizza in person.

    These questions are helpful only to my new year’s resolution (from last year) of losing weight.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I know, and then there’s the whole “If you eat at Fast Food Restaurant A, you hate gay people” and “Every time you eat at Fast Food Restaurant B you’re personally responsible for destroying 9 acres of rainforest” and such.

      Really, it’s best in every way to just avoid them entirely.


  13. mistyslaws Says:

    Hmmm, now I’m craving a pie. Good thing I just picked up some DiGiorno. I know what we are having for dinner tonight.



    • The Byronic Man Says:

      The whole referring to pizzas as “pies” thing is just nonexistent on the west coast. I remember the first time someone asked if I wanted to “split a pie” and I was really thrown. “Uh, I mean, I guess… sure… I like pie…” I just assumed this was a really quirky, pie-loving guy.


  14. tomwisk Says:

    I make my own. Gotta put that education to use.


  15. twindaddy Says:

    While this war wages between delivery and take home Digiorno waits eagerly in the shadows ready to pounce upon the weakened victor. They won’t know what hit them.


  16. pegoleg Says:

    I was asking someone just the other day: “When will the days of oppressive, hegemonic deliveragarchy be over?” Thanks for answering that for me.


  17. L @ Trying Not to be Fat Says:

    I shall stand by my pretentious pizza preparation, as a member of the pretentious pizza preparation patrol. AKA the Quad-P.

    When I read “take and bake” I think it’s somehow related to “wake and bake”. But involving marijuana theft.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      *Gasp!* A member of the enigmatic Quad-P!

      And I’ve always had similar thoughts about the phrase “take n bake.” I’ve also wondered if it’s some quasi-subliminal attempt to draw the stoner crowd to their pizzas… if only they could get motivated enough to drive there. And operate the oven.


  18. Keeping it Real Says:

    All this talk of a revolution is causing my head to hurt. As long as the pizza has plenty of cheese, sauce, and pepperoni, it’s good enough for me. There’s isn’t a slice of pizza I’d turn away.


  19. Laura Says:

    Liberté, Égalité, Pepperoné!


  20. rgdole Says:

    omg this cracked me up… papa murphy’s will never be the same to me again… i’m still giggling…


  21. Kim Says:

    Viva la stuffed crust *trumpet blast*


  22. She's a Maineiac Says:

    I’m eating cold pizza right now for breakfast. I’m with Keeping it Real, I would never turn down a slice.

    This was a hilarious post. I nearly choked when I read: The people need to know. They need to know. and then I spit out my pizza when I read: Fools. Fools.

    (also, LOVE your new theme, snazzy!)


  23. travellingmo Says:

    Cheezy and saucy, just the way I like it. And it’s true. Pizza is always better the next day!


  24. hollybernabe Says:

    Um, Papa Murphy’s okay. But I make pizza from scratch at my house a couple of times a month. I make the dough, the sauce and everything from scratch. I make the meat-centered pizzas the men-folk crave, and I make my more gourmet veggie and chicken and homemade pesto (or sometimes pizza margerhita) pizza for me. Mmm. Fresh pesto. Yum. Best of all, I can make it to order for my dietary restricted husband with kidney disease, which is nice (very little sodium added, low on dairy products and tomatoes) and still make it taste good (surprisingly–I thought for sure without much cheese or sauce on the pizza it would be gross, but it was still damn good, if I do say so myself) …. And the nice thing about making it at home is that I can make multiple pies for multiple people all with different stuff on it without paying a fortune.

    The dough making is the time-consuming part, because of the rise times. So I just make sure I double or triple the batch and freeze the unused portion of dough so I can easily make pizza another day. I take it out the day before I want to make pizza and stick in the fridge to thaw.

    My dad told me my pizza is just like Flying Pie Pizza, which is my favorite pizza joint here in Portland. Their stuff is da bomb. So I was pretty flattered by that.

    Mmmm. Homemade pizza….


  25. pjsarecomfyn Says:

    Dude this post is amazeballs….I greatly dislike papa murpheys, but this post strangely makes me want to locate one and join the revolution!


  26. Richard L Wiseman Says:

    How can you hope to win against these giants for they have the political power to sweep aside the freedom fries fighters? Britain is under the rule of the Burger King. The small pizza franchises have fallen like dominoes to… Dominos. Subway have driven other sandwich makers underground. Does nobody remember the battle for the name of Kentucky Fried Chicken in Europe? Now that noble name reduced by the armies of rule making men in Brussels simply to KFC! Oh great Colonel Sanders where are your nuggets of truth? How we loved the chicken of Kentucky and see how the years have passed and now no-one writes to the Colonel. (p.s split my sides laughing… and my medium coke…)


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