I am thankful to have the whole family together this holiday evening, especially those who haven’t spoken to each other for so long, to share this special meal.
I am thankful for this wonderful looking turkey, and the honor of carving it.
I am thankful to hear the constant, joyful, piercing shriek of so many children. I didn’t know so many relatives had so many children. Just, really, it seems like there are hundreds of them. Wow. So, I’m thankful for that, too.
I am thankful that uncle Andy is enjoying the wine so much. Save some for the rest of us, uncle Andy! Ha ha.
I am thankful for this knife, which apparently has a heart full of hate for meat.
I am thankful for this impressive electric knife someone brought to carve the turkey with. And I am thankful for how well it works! Holy Cow!
I am thankful that the turkey shrapnel cleaned from the walls with little fuss.
I am thankful that the thousands of children in my house find the fact that the knife also took off part of my pinky to be so delightful and that they have all taken to repeating what I said when the knife went in to my finger.
I am thankful that we keep so much gauze in our home.
I am thankful that cousin Ruth is speaking to Aunt Laura for the first time in 4 years, and clearing the air.
I am thankful that Ruth is explaining that Laura misunderstood Ruth’s meaning when she said that Laura’s ass looked like the first waffle from the maker that you throw out.
See, everyone likes waffles, right? It’s… you know… a compliment! Waffles!
I am thankful that Laura is expressing sympathy and understanding for Ruth being such a bitch.
I am thankful that the mashed potatoes are ready right now.
Oh, well, actually I am thankful that they’re not ready, as scalding-hot mashed potatoes could have really done some damage to Ruth’s and Laura’s faces, and my new suit.
I am thankful that uncle Andy feels comfortable enough to share his unusual – and rather dedicated – political views.
Waldorf Salad: Tastes great AND makes for a soft landing!
I am thankful that Andy has passed out before his speech on “the mongrel races” really hit its stride, and I am thankful that the Waldorf salad was there to cushion his face from hitting the table.
I am thankful that the army of screaming children have learned the interesting effects that a bowl of gravy has on a Bose stereo.
I am thankful that an electric knife does no real damage when it’s been jerked from the wall-socket and thrust at Aunt Laura.
I am thankful that cousin Peter is a man who is unafraid to cry. Loudly, and for no clear reason.
I am thankful to grandma for explaining why the family never gets together.
I am thankful for my wife thanking everyone for coming and helping them be careful that the door not hit anyone in the ass as they exit.
I am thankful to have a whole pumpkin pie to eat while I watch Heaven Can Wait on TV.
Seriously, if you’ve never seen 1978’s Heaven Can Wait…
The Byronic Man 
November 19, 2012 at 7:41 am
I’ll be thankful when all these holidays and the hoopla surrounding them is OVER!
November 20, 2012 at 11:25 am
I really like the holidays, but it requires incredible vigilance or else the things you just ‘have to do’ take over and it’s miserable.
November 20, 2012 at 2:04 pm
I’m glad for you. Someone has to love the holidays. I find them overwhelming. But I find too many emails overwhelming, too! Enjoy every moment of your holiday. 🙂
November 19, 2012 at 7:49 am
I’m freaking out because our TV is broken. How are we supposed to get along if the TV is on the fritz?
November 20, 2012 at 11:27 am
I’m pretty sure it can’t be done. Maybe you could force a couple family members to act out TV shows?
November 19, 2012 at 7:51 am
So glad you called attention to the under-rated multi-fuctionality of Waldorf salad. Hope the pinky’s on the mend soon.
Oh, and happy Thanksgiving. 🙂
November 20, 2012 at 11:27 am
Thanks-whatnow? Oh, it is Thanksgiving! Weird coincidence…
November 19, 2012 at 8:03 am
I am thankful for the funniest post I read today so far.
November 20, 2012 at 11:28 am
So far? Let me know about the funnier ones so that I might sabotage them.
November 20, 2012 at 8:39 pm
Sure: for example, you could try to sabotage the following posts: Please Hire Me To Write Your Concession Speech, A Memoir Of Courage: The Day The Internet Went Down, My Steve Jobs Bio-Pic Script For Which I should Be Paid Millions And Millions. It’s just a random sampling, but there were so many other funny posts at that site, that you couldn’t possibly sabotage them all.
November 19, 2012 at 8:11 am
Speaking of thanks, this is the first time I’ve felt thankful that budgetary constraints means no travel home for the holidays this season. It’s not all bad, eh? 🙂
November 20, 2012 at 11:29 am
That’s also a perk of the new baby. “Can’t. Baby.” is like a get-out-of-jail free card for anything.
November 19, 2012 at 8:30 am
I am thankful that MY family will be spending the day in their respective corners of the world and not with me, and that I get to spend the day with the hubs’ funny and laid back family. And for pie. I am always thankful for pie.
November 20, 2012 at 11:29 am
Pie is great.
November 19, 2012 at 8:34 am
I am thankful for the TV that covers up the awkward silence. 🙂
And I’m thankful for this post. 😉
November 20, 2012 at 11:30 am
TV: the greatest thing in the world.
November 19, 2012 at 9:00 am
ha ha
November 19, 2012 at 9:01 am
I’m thankful I’m not alone in my dysfunction. I may need you to FedEx that knife, something tells me I may need to sever a tongue or 2 Thursday.
November 20, 2012 at 11:31 am
I know this isn’t what you meant, but tongue is one of the few things I’ve eaten and thought I was going to be sick. The texture, combined with the knowledge of what you’re eating…
November 20, 2012 at 3:38 pm
Someone served it to me and swore it was veal. Not unless that calf was on steroids and ran the Boston Marathon before hitting my plate. Ugh…very weird texture indeed.
November 19, 2012 at 9:07 am
Ha ha HA! Okay. I just laughed my waffle-y bum off. This is officially one of my favorite posts of yours, B. One might even say I’m very thankful for it, but not me, because that’s cheesy.
November 20, 2012 at 11:31 am
Well, that was a close one. We have a strict no-tolerance policy on cheesiness. Cheese, on the other hand, is always welcomed.
November 19, 2012 at 9:18 am
Hilarious, TBM. We all have Uncle Andy’s and Cousin Lauras… Of course, I am no one’s Uncle Andy or Cousin Laura. Maybe.
I am thankful that we have our little, understated Canadian Thanksgiving in October.
Happy carving and staying sane.
November 20, 2012 at 11:33 am
OCTOBER?? You Canadians… it’s like a whole different country up there.
November 19, 2012 at 9:22 am
I am thankful Black Friday starts right after dinner this year, so everyone will go away sooner.
November 20, 2012 at 11:34 am
Oh man, I am thankful for nothing about Black Friday… but I know what you mean.
November 19, 2012 at 9:38 am
I am thankful like Ironic Mom said, that our Thanksgiving was in October which gives us about 8 weeks to recover,,,till we have to do that shit all over again!
November 20, 2012 at 11:34 am
We do tend to group our holidays together in a “gauntlet-style” package, don’t we?
November 19, 2012 at 9:55 am
I’m thankful that I’ll be spending Thanksgiving with nearby friends instead of sitting in bumper to bumper traffic for 3 hours each way to be with family.
Happy Thanksgiving, B-man!
November 20, 2012 at 11:35 am
We once had to drive through Seattle on Thanksgiving day. Seattle is hard to drive through at 2 am. That day it took about 6 hours to go 40 miles.
November 19, 2012 at 10:09 am
I’m thankful for boxed wine… and tiny closets to hide and drink in.
November 20, 2012 at 11:36 am
Hey, that’s part of my “good morning” ritual, too!
November 19, 2012 at 10:22 am
i’m thankful that people with beautiful newborn baby girls in the family send lots and lots of pics! it’s the easiest and most economical of all gifts… all year round. 🙂
November 20, 2012 at 11:37 am
Oh, we haven’t taken any pictures. We’re old-fashioned: we don’t want to steal her soul.
November 19, 2012 at 10:50 am
Of the two of us, you are the humorous one. Funny post. I am thankful to be part of a family who actually gets along…for the most part.
November 20, 2012 at 11:38 am
Me too.
November 19, 2012 at 11:07 am
I’m thankful that you’re thankful. Another awesome post. A couple of years ago, I invited a single friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in years. She brought a bottle of Southern Comfort and proceeded to drink most of it while the turkey was cooking. Eventually, she made her way to the bathroom where she puked and then passed out before dinner. I’m thankful I didn’t invite her this year.
Happy Tday!
November 20, 2012 at 11:38 am
Wow, now that’s a houseguest!
November 19, 2012 at 12:00 pm
Who compares a family member’s bum to a broke-drown looking waffle? Ouch.
No one on Thanksgiving should really talk to each other Before they’ve had turkey. Being half asleep helps quell any discord.
November 20, 2012 at 11:39 am
That’s why I pump a lot of carbon monoxide into the air at gatherings.
November 19, 2012 at 12:34 pm
I’m thankful I live in the UK, and don’t have to face this over the next few days…
November 20, 2012 at 11:39 am
I spent one Thanksgiving in England and it was a little surreal. “So… should I DO something…?”
November 22, 2012 at 12:03 am
Yup – and we (surprisingly) don’t go big on Independence Day either…
November 19, 2012 at 12:38 pm
I’m thankful Ironic Mom called you TBM so I can giggle at “BM” like a little child.
November 20, 2012 at 11:41 am
I know, I should really try to avoid that low-brow guffaw by using my real name: Farty McPoopenpoop.
November 20, 2012 at 11:42 am
MUCH classier. Much. Like, San Diego classy.
November 19, 2012 at 12:39 pm
Wow! It sounds a lot like my house on Thanksgiving. This year we only have 34 people coming.
November 20, 2012 at 11:41 am
So, a nice intimate gathering? Excellent.
November 19, 2012 at 12:45 pm
I see you’ve met my family.
November 20, 2012 at 11:42 am
Sometimes it seems like I’ve met all of them…
November 19, 2012 at 1:44 pm
You forgot to be thankful for all the lovely day-after-Thanksgiving activities like hangovers, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Christmas shopping with more family members and one million other crazy people.
November 20, 2012 at 11:46 am
I am never more grateful for the internet than holiday shopping time.
November 19, 2012 at 4:19 pm
I am thankful that this blog post will make me laugh when I’m in the middle of mayhem on Thursday.
November 20, 2012 at 11:46 am
I like the idea of you holding your laptop at the table and reading during the meal.
November 19, 2012 at 4:30 pm
I love Heaven Can Wait. Every scene with Charles Grodin is comedy gold.
November 20, 2012 at 11:47 am
He’s just fantastic. Of course, Grodin could read a deli menu and it’d probably be funny.
November 19, 2012 at 4:51 pm
Heaven Can Wait. Absolutely. Or Three Men and a Baby.
November 20, 2012 at 11:48 am
Oh, that’s a good idea. I’m always on the look out for perfect holiday “comfort movies.” Muppet Movie is one, too. Also, if you’re with a particularly hip crowd, that 1980 version of Flash Gordon.
November 19, 2012 at 7:23 pm
Word.
November 19, 2012 at 9:03 pm
Oh i am thankful i survived holiday season and got to read this hilarious piece.
Older ones did everything in power to stuff the kids like turkey and i am thankful another generation of obese kids are on their way.
November 20, 2012 at 11:49 am
Having just had a baby we keep hearing about other new babies, and they’re all being born giant, especially compared to ours, who was a little on the small side. That can’t be a sign of good things in the future, obesity-wise.
November 19, 2012 at 9:15 pm
I just want to go on record as saying I’m not your aunt.
November 20, 2012 at 11:49 am
Are you SURE?
November 19, 2012 at 10:42 pm
Sounds like a delightful Thanksgiving gathering. I hope this year’s lives up to its reputation! 🙂
November 20, 2012 at 11:50 am
Actually, our family gatherings are usually pretty good. Shh. Don’t tell.
November 20, 2012 at 3:09 am
Thank YOU. Has Mrs Byronic banished you to the kids table yet?
November 20, 2012 at 11:49 am
I’m still working on it.
November 20, 2012 at 3:55 am
Hahaha! Cousin Peter, I have one of those too
November 20, 2012 at 12:13 pm
It’s always nice when men can express their feelings, isn’t it?
November 20, 2012 at 1:24 pm
Yes, It is a pleasant surprise actually however, quantity is no substitute for quality in the tear department. Expressing feelings is very healing if there is a purpose and acceptance. Sometimes enough can just be enough and then get on with life. Just Sayin’
:p
November 20, 2012 at 5:54 am
I am thankful that I am not the only one with a family like this. When I glanced at that photo I immediately thought it was from Warren Beatty’s movie “Shampoo”. Both movies are fun to watch.
November 20, 2012 at 11:45 am
Warren Beatty gets written off pretty easily, but he’s been in a lot of really great movies – both artistically, and as just fun, entertaining movies.
November 20, 2012 at 6:58 am
Hilarious!
November 20, 2012 at 10:23 am
I am SO making a Waldorf Salad this year. Happy Thanksgiving B’Man —
November 20, 2012 at 11:44 am
You really can’t go wrong. Well, you can if the ingredients are spoiled. Or if someone’s allergic to nuts. Or if someone chokes. Or, okay, there are lots of ways to go wrong.
November 20, 2012 at 6:23 pm
That might just depend on who chokes. So many possibilities.
November 20, 2012 at 10:56 am
I’m thankful that you are able to look on the bright side of life in such a light-hearted and thankful way (breaking into a rousing chorus of “The Sun Will Come Up Tomorrow”)
Happy Turkey Day!
November 20, 2012 at 11:43 am
Oh, that’s me – Mr. Optimism. Sometimes I get sunstroke from looking at the bright side so much.
November 20, 2012 at 2:10 pm
And here I was jealous of people who had families close enough to actually share Thanksgiving together! Thank goodness my family all lives 15 hours away if you drive straight through.
November 20, 2012 at 8:17 pm
I’m thankful that there are still people who can find something to say about “the holidays” after cycling through a two-months-out-of-every-year period of “holidays” every year of their lives.
November 21, 2012 at 3:20 am
I have never seen Heaven Can Wait. I think tomorrow I’m going to lock myself in a closet and watch it on my iPad while downing an entire bottle of white wine. Happy Thanksgiving to me! (and to you and yours, B-man)
November 22, 2012 at 4:41 am
I have just added another dish to the menu, I am thankful for you reminding me of Waldorf Salad and its other use. Happy Thanksgiving.
November 23, 2012 at 5:07 am
Awesome…love it! Posts like this make me so sorry to have been away so long. This would have made a great re-blog yesterday. Some of my email-following family might have thought you were writing about them. Happy (belated?) Thanksgiving.
November 23, 2012 at 11:52 pm
I am thankful my family is nothing like yours.
November 25, 2012 at 4:32 pm
I am thankful I live far from my family and I can invite the people I enjoy to our dinner!