Rise of the Planet of the Whales

November 5, 2012


Recently, an audio recording was released of Noc, the beluga whale, singing in what is a really close approximation to human sound.   Scientists discovered it when they thought they heard people chattering far away, only to find that the beluga whales can mimic our speech sounds, if not our words.



What does this mean for us?

* Whales are learning how to speak human faster than we’re learning to speak whale.   That can’t say good things.

* First thing I expect the whales to say?  “STOP.  KILLING.  US.  JERKBAGS.”

* Whales think we sound like idiots. I mean, they’re apparently right, but imagine the whale saying, “Hey, when you talk?  You sound like this:” and then hit play on the video.

I’m assuming he’s the lead singer because he’s the sexy one.

* Whale rock bands.  And the vocalists wouldn’t even need amps.   Human rock singer would have his stack of amps and be all, “Yeeaahhh!  Hello, Seattle!  Can you hear me out there?!!”  And the whale band (let’s call them Johnny Orca and The Humpbacks) would be like, “Hm, hard to tell, in those cheap seats. Here, let me help.  My voice can be heard for 100 miles.  With no amp.”  Then he’d shatter glass 10 miles away and everyone would hold up their lighters, because of the extent to which he rocks.

* Obviously, the next step is identity theft and phone scams.  Think about it – they get some voice-activated phones, steal your information, and then you tell the police, “It was that whale!” and the whale just floats there looking at you.  Oh yeah, that’ll go well.

Wow! He’s so beautiful! And his rendition of “Old Man River” brought tears to my eyes!

* Whale-watching tours might come with their own free show.

* Depending on the species, whales can go up to 90 minutes without taking a breath.  You get stuck sitting next to some long-winded boor of a whale at a dinner party, it could be dessert before you can get a word in.

* Whale extortion.  You’re out at sea, and then it seems like pan-handling, because the whale comes up and says, “Hey, you got any krill?”  And you say, “Uh, no man.  Sorry.  I just ate the last of it.”  And he says, “Oh, really?  Because I’m pretty hungry and I’m a whale and I might accidentally capsize your little boat without even realizing it.”  “Oh, wait; here’s some.  I forgot.”

* Whale barbershop quartets.

* Depending on who they mimic, we could be in for some obnoxious whales.  Hopefully their not picking up political radio talk shows.  We’ll have whales constantly interrupting us and shouting fallacies.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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35 Comments on “Rise of the Planet of the Whales”

  1. Luddy's Lens Says:


    That is a catchy little tune. I might download it for free, but I don’t know if I’d pay money for a whole show, unless they wear really cool coordinated outfits like the 5th Dimension used to.


  2. She's a Maineiac Says:

    That whale totally sounds like he’s mocking us. “Blah-bee-blah, blah-bleep blah bloo…” I think that’s also what my husband hears when he’s listening to me talking on and on.


  3. Life With The Top Down Says:

    This whale talk was a refreshing break from reality!
    I’m very good at understanding folks who haven’t mastered the English language. You’re very lucky because I completely understand what Willy is saying. Here is the translation: You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else are you talking… you talking to me? Well I’m the only one here. Who the hell do you think you’re talking to? Oh yeah? OK.


  4. mistyslaws Says:

    And the next step . . . whale bloggers. We are all doomed.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I know. I’d subscribe to a whale’s blog, wouldn’t you? He’ get freshly pressed every day because he’s a whale and he blogged!


      • Go Jules Go Says:

        I would ONLY subscribe to whale’s blogs. And blogs about whales.

        Also? A whale barbershop quartet would be amazing. Remind me one day, when my spirit is fully restored, to tell you guys a funny story involving a barbershop quartet.


  5. becomingcliche Says:

    I want the barbershop quartet. I used to play that square record from National Geographic with humpback whale songs.


  6. spilledinkguy Says:

    Oh, it’s ON now, dolphins!
    They’ll have to learn how to crochet or something if they’re serious about retaining smartest sea-creature status.


  7. Jackie Cangro Says:

    Maybe that lead singer of Johnny Orca and The Humpbacks should have his own Q&A: WWSOD? (What Would Sexy Orca Do?)


  8. Facetious Firecracker Says:

    Now I know where Eiffel65 got their inspiration for “I’m blue, da-ba-dee, da-ba-da….”


  9. k8edid Says:

    That was the coolest thing I’ve seen today. Sounds kind of like what I hear when sportscasters are calling a game…


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I think being a sportscaster sounds like hell. Having to talk about the game at all, much less nonstop the entire time. If I was a football commentator all I’d keep saying is, “Seriously? The clock is stopped again? There’s been 2 minutes left in this game for 45 minutes. Oh my God, somebody DO something.”


  10. Rambling Jill Says:

    Today, you win the Good-Marine-Biology Seal of Approval. Two fins up, Way up.


  11. AsimovSideburnsov Says:

    It kind of sounds like an old guy yelling at those dang kids.


  12. Sandy Sue Says:

    Beluga stand-up comics stealing all your best material.


  13. Jane Says:

    See, I’m just hearing the kazoo…which is only marginally less painful than the sound of a tin whistle…just saying.


  14. travellingmo Says:

    I totally imagined the whale saying “Hey this is what you sound like” before hitting play. And you’re right. It sounds like really annoying people!


  15. Erynn Elizabeth Says:

    “the whale just floats there looking at you” – one of the best sentences I have ever had the pleasure of envisioning.


  16. platypuspondering Says:

    That’s it they stold my song and sing it better than me. If they start blogging….


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