Recently, an audio recording was released of Noc, the beluga whale, singing in what is a really close approximation to human sound. Scientists discovered it when they thought they heard people chattering far away, only to find that the beluga whales can mimic our speech sounds, if not our words.
Yet.
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What does this mean for us?
* Whales are learning how to speak human faster than we’re learning to speak whale. That can’t say good things.
* First thing I expect the whales to say? “STOP. KILLING. US. JERKBAGS.”
* Whales think we sound like idiots. I mean, they’re apparently right, but imagine the whale saying, “Hey, when you talk? You sound like this:” and then hit play on the video.
I’m assuming he’s the lead singer because he’s the sexy one.
* Whale rock bands. And the vocalists wouldn’t even need amps. Human rock singer would have his stack of amps and be all, “Yeeaahhh! Hello, Seattle! Can you hear me out there?!!” And the whale band (let’s call them Johnny Orca and The Humpbacks) would be like, “Hm, hard to tell, in those cheap seats. Here, let me help. My voice can be heard for 100 miles. With no amp.” Then he’d shatter glass 10 miles away and everyone would hold up their lighters, because of the extent to which he rocks.
* Obviously, the next step is identity theft and phone scams. Think about it – they get some voice-activated phones, steal your information, and then you tell the police, “It was that whale!” and the whale just floats there looking at you. Oh yeah, that’ll go well.
Wow! He’s so beautiful! And his rendition of “Old Man River” brought tears to my eyes!
* Whale-watching tours might come with their own free show.
* Depending on the species, whales can go up to 90 minutes without taking a breath. You get stuck sitting next to some long-winded boor of a whale at a dinner party, it could be dessert before you can get a word in.
* Whale extortion. You’re out at sea, and then it seems like pan-handling, because the whale comes up and says, “Hey, you got any krill?” And you say, “Uh, no man. Sorry. I just ate the last of it.” And he says, “Oh, really? Because I’m pretty hungry and I’m a whale and I might accidentally capsize your little boat without even realizing it.” “Oh, wait; here’s some. I forgot.”
* Whale barbershop quartets.
* Depending on who they mimic, we could be in for some obnoxious whales. Hopefully their not picking up political radio talk shows. We’ll have whales constantly interrupting us and shouting fallacies.
The Byronic Man 
November 5, 2012 at 4:12 am
Da-d’da-daaaa,
D’da-d’da-d’da-d’da!
That is a catchy little tune. I might download it for free, but I don’t know if I’d pay money for a whole show, unless they wear really cool coordinated outfits like the 5th Dimension used to.
November 5, 2012 at 7:21 am
They could also sing back up for The Police on “De Doo Doo Doo, De Da Da Da.”
November 5, 2012 at 8:12 am
Back up, yeah, I could see that. They’re all right looking and all, but really not frontman caliber.
November 5, 2012 at 4:30 am
That whale totally sounds like he’s mocking us. “Blah-bee-blah, blah-bleep blah bloo…” I think that’s also what my husband hears when he’s listening to me talking on and on.
November 5, 2012 at 5:08 am
Ha! I was thinking the same thing. Like Charlie Brown’s teacher… give or take a spout hole and a few tons.
November 5, 2012 at 7:19 am
Maybe you’ve solved it! Charlie Brown’s teacher is a Beluga Whale!
November 6, 2012 at 4:03 pm
Oh no – I must sound just like that to MY students, as well.
November 5, 2012 at 7:23 am
Do you think it’d be childish to stand in front of the whale tank and say, “Oh yeah, whale? Well you sound like THIS *make stupid face*: UurreeeeeEEEEeerrrEEEEH! OooooeerrrrUUUHHHeerrrEEEUUHHH!”
November 5, 2012 at 5:31 am
This whale talk was a refreshing break from reality!
I’m very good at understanding folks who haven’t mastered the English language. You’re very lucky because I completely understand what Willy is saying. Here is the translation: You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else are you talking… you talking to me? Well I’m the only one here. Who the hell do you think you’re talking to? Oh yeah? OK.
November 5, 2012 at 7:25 am
If he shaves a mohawk and starts following Jodie Foster it’s probably time to worry.
November 5, 2012 at 6:43 am
And the next step . . . whale bloggers. We are all doomed.
November 5, 2012 at 7:20 am
I know. I’d subscribe to a whale’s blog, wouldn’t you? He’ get freshly pressed every day because he’s a whale and he blogged!
November 6, 2012 at 5:41 am
I would ONLY subscribe to whale’s blogs. And blogs about whales.
Also? A whale barbershop quartet would be amazing. Remind me one day, when my spirit is fully restored, to tell you guys a funny story involving a barbershop quartet.
November 5, 2012 at 7:39 am
I want the barbershop quartet. I used to play that square record from National Geographic with humpback whale songs.
November 5, 2012 at 11:33 am
I had that record, too! I can’t remember if it actually had the songs sped up so they sound like bird calls, or if I would just play the record on 78, but I remember how eerily like bird calls whale songs are.
November 5, 2012 at 12:15 pm
Just thinking about those tones makes my sphincter twist into a knot!
November 5, 2012 at 7:36 am
Oh, it’s ON now, dolphins!
They’ll have to learn how to crochet or something if they’re serious about retaining smartest sea-creature status.
November 5, 2012 at 11:34 am
I know, I keep waiting for the dolphins retort. Maybe we can get some negative campaigning going on.
November 5, 2012 at 10:07 am
Maybe that lead singer of Johnny Orca and The Humpbacks should have his own Q&A: WWSOD? (What Would Sexy Orca Do?)
November 5, 2012 at 11:34 am
At this pace I can go to an all-bizarre-advice-column format by the New Year!
November 5, 2012 at 2:57 pm
Now I know where Eiffel65 got their inspiration for “I’m blue, da-ba-dee, da-ba-da….”
November 6, 2012 at 6:24 am
Maybe the the Beluga whale is trying to say, “My lawyer’s will be in touch.”
November 5, 2012 at 3:34 pm
That was the coolest thing I’ve seen today. Sounds kind of like what I hear when sportscasters are calling a game…
November 6, 2012 at 6:26 am
I think being a sportscaster sounds like hell. Having to talk about the game at all, much less nonstop the entire time. If I was a football commentator all I’d keep saying is, “Seriously? The clock is stopped again? There’s been 2 minutes left in this game for 45 minutes. Oh my God, somebody DO something.”
November 6, 2012 at 4:02 pm
I spend a lot of time bitching about that very thing…
November 5, 2012 at 4:17 pm
Today, you win the Good-Marine-Biology Seal of Approval. Two fins up, Way up.
November 6, 2012 at 6:27 am
Excellent. I’ll be putting that on my resume.
November 5, 2012 at 6:17 pm
It kind of sounds like an old guy yelling at those dang kids.
November 6, 2012 at 6:27 am
Well, we do keep tromping all over his yard.
November 6, 2012 at 4:17 am
Beluga stand-up comics stealing all your best material.
November 6, 2012 at 6:28 am
Typical. They’re such hacks.
November 6, 2012 at 6:43 pm
See, I’m just hearing the kazoo…which is only marginally less painful than the sound of a tin whistle…just saying.
November 7, 2012 at 3:37 pm
I totally imagined the whale saying “Hey this is what you sound like” before hitting play. And you’re right. It sounds like really annoying people!
November 9, 2012 at 1:57 pm
“the whale just floats there looking at you” – one of the best sentences I have ever had the pleasure of envisioning.
November 15, 2012 at 1:20 am
That’s it they stold my song and sing it better than me. If they start blogging….