In these final days leading up to having the baby, there’s been a lot of advice for me, the dad-to-be, on what to expect, and how to prepare. Lots of clearly false information, doled out by so-called “doctors,” so-called “books,” and “Doulas” which, for all I know, could be the Dutch word for “hippie.” Lots of hoo-ha about packing bags, and timing contractions, and making “who to call lists,” and the slow build of contractions until the cervix (which I’m pretty sure is a kind of garden pest) “effaces.” Pff. Please. Thank God I was raised on sitcoms and movies, so I know what to actually expect.
“Ayuh. See? Cervixes. You’ve got to spray before they efface or you’ll never get ’em all.”
Q: How should I prepare in the days leading up to labor?
A: As the expectant father, it is your job to race around comically, running in to things and dropping food every time she makes a sound. If she says anything that rhymes “labor” or “baby” or mentions a “contract,” then it’s very important jump up shouting “Here we go! Here we go!” and run out to the car without your keys, the suitcase, or your wife. If you’re really wanting to “sell” the experience, just starting running down the street toward the hospital.
Q: How will I know when labor begins?
A: Ignore all that stuff about “timing contractions” and the slow build of labor. Labor begins one of two ways:
1. Your wife will suddenly moan and announce that “It’s time! It’s time!” You – despite days of hyperbolic panicking – must then not know what she means and say something like, “Nonsense, the movie doesn’t start for another hour,” to which she will reply, “No, you idiot! The baby’s coming!” At this point – and it’s a good idea to stretch out – you should bug out your eyes and shriek, “WhhhaaaAAAATTT???!!!”
*Note: there may be an exception if you’re in a taxi or in the woods. In this situation, when she shouts, “The baby’s coming!” you should then ask when, so that she can tell you, “Right now!” You will then need to find a charmingly unusual place to deliver the baby immediately.
2. Usually inspired by an ironic statement like “These floors are filthy!” your wife’s water will break. When this happens, 3-5 gallons of fluid will immediately dump on the floor. It is strongly recommended to have someone on stand-by to then walk through the room, obliviously, who can slip and fall.
Aaaaand tell him you’re in labor…. nnnnnnn… nnnnnnow.
Q: When my wife announces that it’s time, should I do a double-take, or a spit-take?
A: Excellent question. The general rule is that if her water breaks, do a double take (two water gags in a row is never a good plan). Otherwise, trust your instincts. The fact is, it’s a clutch moment and no one’s going to judge you too harshly if you choose the less funny option.
Q: What’s the best way to drive to the hospital?
A: However will get you pulled over. This is an excellent way to work in another double-take, and to then get a police escort.
Q: What happens after that?
A: Well, TV’s always been a little unclear on this. There’s a little bit of yelling and pushing, and then the nurse hands you a clean, 3-month-old baby. It only takes a few minutes, though. Likely the mom will have a delicate sheen of perspiration, and you’ll have a faint 5-o’clock shadow.
And that’s it! After that, you’ll be ready for those kids to start wise-cracking, making two dates for the same night, and – about once a year – having a very special episode where they learn an important life lesson.
The Byronic Man 
October 4, 2012 at 4:01 am
If you decide to make a video version of this most insightful guide, may I suggest Jon Cryer in the role of expectant father? I pictured him in every scenario you described.
October 4, 2012 at 6:30 am
Ooh, Emmy award winner Jon Cryer! Good call. In grand sitcom tradition, his wife will need to be played by someone absurdly more attractive and fit than he.
October 4, 2012 at 4:08 am
You’ve learned well at the foot of the glow tube, young one. You have forgotten only the hapless bachelor sidekick, who will take over as lamaze coach when you either pass out or have that zany mix up in admissions.
October 4, 2012 at 4:42 am
If I weren’t such a nice person, I might reply to this comment with:
“Young one?”
*spit take*
October 4, 2012 at 5:45 pm
All those spit takes are ruining my tuxes. I’ve got stains on my cummerbund.
October 4, 2012 at 6:31 am
Gah! I forgot the zany best friend! The one who hits on the nurse or doctor during the delivery! Oh man, I hope I can find someone in time.
October 4, 2012 at 9:18 am
I accept.
October 4, 2012 at 5:43 pm
I’m available. I’ll need airfare and beer. Is your Ob hot?
October 4, 2012 at 4:37 am
In regard to the preparation, it also helps to sell the experience if you’re running down the street with the appropriate panic-stricken, wild-eyed look on your face, accompanied by the words “OH, MY GOD! WE’RE HAVING A BABY!”
Yup, handy things, those sitcoms and movies. I don’t know where I’d be without them.
October 4, 2012 at 6:34 am
I know. I don’t know how many times I’ve had the big bowling league championship the same night my boss was coming for dinner and I wouldn’t have known how to handle it otherwise.
October 4, 2012 at 4:45 am
I think it’s actually the baby that has the five o’clock shadow on the reallllly good shows.
I love love love that ladybug caption. But the guy with the water is creeping me out. It looks like he’s SUPPOSED to be the picture of health, but is…not. If you see him at the hospital, you and your wife should steer clear.
October 4, 2012 at 6:35 am
I’d reply to this comment, but my frail, old fingers have grown tired.
October 4, 2012 at 4:53 am
Oh good, I was worried you wouldn’t be prepared but seems like you’ve got everything under control. 😀
October 4, 2012 at 6:40 am
Oh, yeah. I’ve even got “Yakety Sax” cued up on the stereo for when I’m getting our stuff together for the car.
October 4, 2012 at 5:00 am
Might I add, running down the street in your skivvies, it would help at this moment if they had some appropriate cartoon character on them so we could all see you as something less than a serious person.
October 4, 2012 at 6:42 am
I usually only wear officially licensed Byronic Man underwear, but I suppose I could make an exception.
October 4, 2012 at 5:15 am
You are so Ready you will rock…
One piece of advice which will keep you alive
Do not and i mean no matter what happens and/or you are at gun point..do not ask you wife (when is in labour) where to look for a particular thing..don’t do that
October 4, 2012 at 6:43 am
This could be a problem because she knows where everything is in the house, and I lose everything the instant I set it down.
October 4, 2012 at 5:23 am
If your wife ever asks you: “Did I poop?” The correct answer is “Absolutely not. It was a beautiful delivery.”
Got it? 😉
October 4, 2012 at 6:29 am
I was just planning to sympathy poop.
October 4, 2012 at 7:09 am
That’s a good plan.
October 4, 2012 at 5:54 am
I actually wanted a police escort when I was in labor with my third. GAH! It was a miracle we even made it there in time for me to give birth in the (not even remotely clean) hospital doorway. First labors are usually slow though.
I’m kinda hoping you have neighbors who are good with a video camera so we get to see all of this. “Expectant father slips on his wife’s amniotic sac and ends up with a mild concussion. Allowed to room in with wife and baby, thus is still able to help with those critical middle of the night feedings, which are his favorites anyway…”
Seriously though, good luck to Mrs. Byronic!
P.S. Please don’t name your kid Princess Buttercup. That’s just cruel.
October 4, 2012 at 6:45 am
Oh, lord, don’t get me started on our neighbors… they have a daughter who’s entered the teen years with a vengeance (literally). I give them a video camera they’ll swap it for cigarettes and beer.
October 4, 2012 at 6:47 am
Well, at least you’ll know who NOT to call when you’re desperate for a babysitter…
P.S. Why is the Ghostbuster’s theme song now running through my head?
October 4, 2012 at 7:02 am
Wow, until I read your response to the comment above, I had no idea we lived nexted door to you!
October 4, 2012 at 7:02 am
Did I seriously just type “nexted”? Must be all that early morning beer….
October 4, 2012 at 7:38 am
You really do live next door!
October 4, 2012 at 6:25 am
Oh yeah baby! You are good to go…Thank god for TV.
What about video taping? In my son’s video, he looks as if he came straight from heaven since the glare from the mirror they used for me to see the birth, completely edited my nether regions with white light! When my daughter was born, it was waaaaay too much information!
October 4, 2012 at 6:46 am
I’m hiring one of those caricature artists you see at street fairs and Saturday Markets to do some hilarious sketches.
October 4, 2012 at 6:56 am
Your wife won’t mind. After a day of 25 assorted doctors and nurses inspecting her crotch, one more person staring won’t bother her I’m sure.
WARNING! You better not show her what the cartoonist draws DURING labor, since she won’t be in the laughing mood…
October 4, 2012 at 6:30 am
It seems to me that you are well prepared for the impending arrival of Baby Byronic. Most of my learning has come from TV sitcoms as well. They have never given me any reason to question their sage examples. Of course I still believe that Ned the pie maker from “Pushing Daisies” is out there somewhere with his magic finger.
October 4, 2012 at 6:49 am
Well, I’d hope he’s out there.
Did you see the final Pushing Daisies? When they got canceled so they wrapped up the show in the final 90 seconds with auctioneer-speed narration? That was kind of disappointing.
October 4, 2012 at 6:52 am
Heheheh … I love it that you always know the show I am talking about no matter how obscure.
I did see that episode and you are right it was disappointing but, I was already disappointed that they had cancelled it.
October 4, 2012 at 6:39 am
I think you have neglected to include one critical element. As your wife is going through labor, make sure she contantly screams obscenities and blames you for getting her in this situation. A bunch of “this is all your faults!” and “you are never touching me agains!” would suffice. Please make sure she is on board with this. You may want to let her practice a bit before the big event so she doesn’t have to think about it too much. She will be sort of busy.
And also, make sure you are prepared to pass out immediately upon seeing the first evidence of any blood and/or bodily fluid and that the medical staff rushes to your aide to make sure you are ok.
October 4, 2012 at 6:51 am
Oh, that’s right! The obligatory “You did this to me!” comments. I’ll make some helpful cue cards for her.
October 4, 2012 at 9:23 am
I was going to suggest this – thanks, Misty.
October 4, 2012 at 7:00 am
5 🙂
October 4, 2012 at 8:41 am
The spit-take and double-take lines had me rollin’! Oh, how I love this post. You just get funnier with each one, how is that possible? (I think when the baby’s finally here, you should still crank out posts, even while sleep deprived….in my experience comedy and madness are separated by a thin line anyway.)
This reminds me of that very special episode when Balki Bartokomous realizes the baby is coming so he runs to the phone, picks it up and yells “Hospital? Baby coming!” then hangs up. This is exactly what you should do.
October 4, 2012 at 1:10 pm
I can’t even imagine the typo-riddled drivel I’d crank out. Maybe I’ll try one and see how it goes…
October 5, 2012 at 5:45 am
Dooooooo it! Otherwise, we’ll all have serious B-man withdrawal.
October 4, 2012 at 8:56 am
The whole cervix/insect thing had me laughing out loud in the office. They’re probably sending the white coats after me thanks to you. You forgot the portion where the wife raises up and screams “YOU DID THIS TO ME, YOU BASTARD!” Or is that a different movie?
October 4, 2012 at 1:11 pm
Same movie, but I figured I’d just focus on advice for the dad. He’s really the central player, anyway…
October 4, 2012 at 1:50 pm
Absolutely, and he certainly deserves more recognition, but I would have loved to have seen his reaction to that comment rather than just cutting back to the screaming wife. Does he reply with a sheepish look, fall on the floor in the fetal position and hide under the bed until it’s all over or make choking motions at her throat while she’s busy watching her belly deflate?
October 4, 2012 at 9:07 am
Don’t forget the whole “SCREW WHAT I SAID ABOUT A NATURAL BIRTH, GIMME THE DRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS!” thing.
Also, I’m very excited for you guys. I know this is sappy and not funny, but I’m really happy for you and hope everything goes smoothly.
October 4, 2012 at 1:13 pm
Thank. I also hope things go smoothly. Or as smoothly as possible. I’m also hoping it’s this weird medical anomaly where it doesn’t hurt at all, and the whole thing’s done in an hour or two.
October 4, 2012 at 2:48 pm
I have two friends whose first children were labour of less than 2 hours with only one push necessary. I hope your wife falls into that camp. Truly.
October 4, 2012 at 9:25 am
This is all fabulous preparation for the rest of your clueless, stupid-father sitcom life. Just be sure to look lovably inept at everything you do.
October 4, 2012 at 1:12 pm
I’ve been watching “Life According to Jim,” “King of Queens” and other sitcoms ’round the clock to prepare.
October 4, 2012 at 9:33 am
I love this, especially the bit about the 3-month old baby being humbly presented to you. I think you describe most all of our entrances into the world perfectly.
Don’t forget to tell your lovely wife that her baby bump will be gone in about three or four days after the baby comes and she will have her pre-baby figure back in literally (figuratively?) no time! Ah, the magic, er, miracle, of childbirth.
October 4, 2012 at 1:14 pm
Oh, well, I’d just assume that her stomach will be completely flat by the time we head home.
October 4, 2012 at 10:15 am
And here I thought you’d need to be reading all those baby books like “What To Expect When You’re Expecting”. Pssshhhh… tv’s done all the hard research for you!
October 4, 2012 at 1:14 pm
I know. Books. What have they ever done for anyone?
October 4, 2012 at 11:37 am
I’m obviously going to print this out and give it to Husbandio. It’s important that he be prepared.
October 4, 2012 at 1:15 pm
I like to think of this website as, above all else, a public service.
October 4, 2012 at 3:12 pm
Be prepared for a twist in the plot. After 28 hours the Dr. decided to do a C-section. I was screaming “give me a knife” around the 13th hour. Life is full of surprises, including a 9 pound 7 ounce, 23 inch long baby. Well played with the C-section, well played.
October 4, 2012 at 4:54 pm
You’ve got it down pat, you’ll do all the right things! Just don’t forget about the freak snow/ice storm/hurricane you will encounter on the way to the hospital while your wife gets closer & closer to delivering.
October 4, 2012 at 5:20 pm
Someone has to boil water. And someone needs to faint.
Good luck with everything. Your life is about to become a more amazing place to be!
October 4, 2012 at 6:04 pm
I think you forgot that you’re supposed to get just teary eyed enough that people know you have a heart, but you can’t cry too much because then it looks like you’re trying to take attention away from your wife. (Although I suspect on TV men don’t cry too much because it would mess up their makeup. But you probably don’t wear makeup. Probably.)
October 4, 2012 at 8:08 pm
I’m sure Mrs. B has heard all the horror stories by now –and has marveled that each woman somehow went on to repeat the horror risk two or three more times! I hope neither of you are worried. Delivery may at times not seem to be under control, but remember that all three of you are in very good hands; and that moment when the babe is placed on Mom’s skin and they leave the 3 of you alone for a few minutes, a brand new family … OMG. 🙂 I’ll be thinking of you all.
October 4, 2012 at 8:39 pm
Good luck and go with the flow!
October 4, 2012 at 9:18 pm
Hey, good luck with the fatherhood thing. Not to worry. It’s just like tv. And every day for the rest of your life will now feel like a rerun!
October 5, 2012 at 4:11 am
Good luck for the imminent arrival!
One thing you do need to organise if you intend to stay true to the theme, is to somehow have twins, so when one baby is crying and grumpy, you can replace it with the one that’s been well fed and burped. It worked with the Olsen twins in Full House!
October 5, 2012 at 5:49 am
And don’t forget the delivery room scene where the normally petite, polite, perky wife grabs Dad-to-be by the throat and roars, “Touch me again, you *&$%@* and I’ll hang your junk on the clothesline!”
October 5, 2012 at 5:57 am
hahaha (secret shudder) good luck padwan!!
October 5, 2012 at 8:07 am
The cousin who bought my Gram’s place a mile or so away (we live REMOTELY) had to deliver his wife’s last baby on the side of the road. You could try that…Makes for a good news story (which btw it didn’t become one cos we’re Hillbillies and this shite happens but for YOU…).
October 5, 2012 at 10:56 am
Get ready. Life as you know it will change forever. TV doesn’t tell you that, either. 😉
October 6, 2012 at 10:19 am
To be fair, I think Rachel in Friends was in labor for several hours, not just minutes. Of course, she ended up getting engaged to the father’s friend just hours later. So maybe her visit was special. Also, there is never a bad time for a spit-take.
October 6, 2012 at 10:01 pm
With all this preparation, I’m sure you’ll do fine. In fact, you might want to consider doing something extra special, like misspelling the baby’s name on the birth certificate.
October 7, 2012 at 6:00 am
With our first child due we went along to a group meeting with our midwife. There was a gathering of people in the room, pregnant women with partners obviously. There was a guy in a purple shirt who looked ill at ease. The midwife spoke to us at length then asked us if we had any questions. I put my hand up and said ‘So how will we know if it’s really time to go I mean my question is…’ then Purple Shirt exploded into neurotic angst mode “What if snows do we get a helicopter? If there’s a flood are boats made available? Will I need drugs too? What happens if the baby isn’t mine? How long after the birth can we have sex? Does not having sex include oral? Is it safe for me to suck on her breasts if there’s milk there? Do I get a police escort to the hospital? What happens if the blood makes me faint? is there a coffee machine near the birthing room? Can my mum and dad watch too? Can I film the whole thing? with which he ran out of breath and there was silence and I paused for dramatic effect pointedly looking at him and then turned to the midwife and said’… so when?’ The midwife gave Purple Shirt a look and said to me ‘Yes that is the question…’
Purple Shirt’s wife gave birth on the same day as my wife, though we were done by 7 a.m. (12 hours) New Year’s Eve 1998 and she arrived with him at the hospital at 11 p.m. that night just as I was leaving after visiting my wife. He had a party hat on as he drunkenly weaved through the lobby of the hospital hissing ‘Now? You have to have it now?’ I’m guessing some guys don’t really get the whole ‘It’s a relationship’ idea.
Take care Mr Byronic and enjoy it. I recommend being there and seeing your child born, it’s amazing, truly amazing! God bless and I hope it’s all the stuff of good memories for you.
October 7, 2012 at 5:28 pm
“After that, you’ll be ready for those kids to start wise-cracking, making two dates for the same night, and – about once a year – having a very special episode where they learn an important life lesson.” Did you write this part just for me? Did you? Oh, how I loved this! Oh, it’s not even Christmas! You’re too good to me.
True story, my water broke with my second kid almost exactly as you described and my dog slipped in it. And we just had new wood floors put in the prior month. And my husband was sleeping so I cleaned it up myself using a bath towel. See — you can believe what you see on television.
October 7, 2012 at 5:53 pm
The role of a lifetime for you B-man. Break a leg. Just not your wife’s or the baby’s!
October 8, 2012 at 11:54 am
Thanks to you, I will never again view giving birth as a beautiful moment due to your #2 visual. Because I certainly did before. Yes, sir, certainly did…