As many of you may know, my wife and I will be having a baby soon. Very soon. Now, I’m planning to simply run older posts – especially older posts that basically no one who didn’t have the same last name as me saw – a couple days a week for the first little while, as I suspect I may be a tad busy. The best part of the plan is that you still have to read or it’s like you don’t support me as a parent and don’t like my baby!
But maybe… there’s another way… Maybe you think you’d like to take the reins here and blog-sit. Be a Byronic Pro-Tem. Could be. Could be. Well, if so, simply fill out the short application/psyche profile below, and we’ll see you at the interview!
1. You’re writing a post about needing a vacation. You decide to include the following photo – which caption would you use?
- A) Hello. I am taking a vacation on a beach that appears to be on fire.
- B) Man, it feels great to get away from the smelting plant!
- C) Sure, it’s a flaming hell-scape. But you know what? No meetings.
- D) Other…
2. Rate your willingness to insert obscure, virtually random Simpsons quotes into a post, knowing full well that – if it’s a good day – 2 people will get it.
- A) Not very willing. I think it’s more respectful remember the interests of the audience.
- B) The Simpsons? You mean, like, “Don’t have a cow” and that stuff?
- C) “Lisa, if you don’t like your job, you don’t quit. You go in there every day and do it really half-assed!”
3. Can you be committed to reading other people’s blogs each day and leaving witty, insightful comments? If so, can you please do a better job than I do?
Oh, uh… that’s not exactly, wow, not exactly what I meant by “showing half your face” but… um… heh… good effort and, um… nice to meet you thanks for applying position’s filled okay bye!
4. How are you at showing half of your face?
5. The plants will need watering 3 times a week. What do you mean, “What plants?”?
6. Hypothetically: someone leaves a comment you find distasteful. Do you…
- A) Remove it. This is a welcoming environment.
- B) Leave it. I may not like it, but it’s a free speech zone and I don’t get to decide who gets to say what.
- C) Leave it! A comment’s a comment! Anything to make the site look impressive!
- D) Leave it, but edit the comment so instead it says something insane and/or psychologically confessional.
7. What’s your feeling on high-fiving? It’s not strictly connected to blogging; I’m just curious.
- A) LOVE IT. Up Top!
- B) They seem a bit over done. Is ordering the same appetizer as someone else at the table really reason to high-five?
- C) I don’t like them, but I won’t refuse one.
- D) Ew, germs.
Ursinologists strongly recommend that you never leave a bear hangin’.
8. What changes would you make to the site, if it was yours? Why? No, I mean really: Why would you make changes? You don’t like my site? Why not? Jeez, man; harsh.
9. What previous blog usurping experience do you have (including guest posts, blog-sitting, hacking, comment-trolling and piracy)?
10. You’re having trouble coming up with something to write about, so you…
- A) Let it go. The world won’t end if I don’t post ’til another day.
- B) Just update people on my day.
- C) Try one of those prompt-banks.
- D) Collapse in a fit of self-loathing, fueled by angrily declaring that “This is it. I’m done. That’s all I had in me.” Try to force creativity to the brink of filling an eyeball with blood.
11. If a post wasn’t getting as much attention as you felt it deserved, would you be averse to going door-to-door to promote it?
12. If needed, would you be able to come up with a twelfth question, so as not to end on 11 which, for some reason, just feels “off”?
The Byronic Man 
October 2, 2012 at 3:46 am
Support you, support your wife having a baby and crushing your hands while pushing. Support your sleepless nights while you get up to change said new baby allowing your wife to rest after having baby (cause you will be good husband and father).
Would love to read old posts.
October 2, 2012 at 6:41 am
I think I would best support her by being well-rested and looking dapper. To give her a reminder that life won’t always be that tiring. Wouldn’t that be nice of me?
October 2, 2012 at 10:51 am
She won’t appreciate it, believe me. Dapper, hah! She won’t care.
October 2, 2012 at 4:23 am
My answer to all 15 questions is: nuts & gum: together at last.
I like the idea of “if you don’t like my blog, you hate my baby.” I may use that if that’s okay with you.
October 2, 2012 at 4:26 am
SPEAKER. MY FAVORITE SIMPSONS QUOTE OF ALL TIME.
Sorry. Caps seemed appropriate.
October 2, 2012 at 5:09 am
High five!
October 2, 2012 at 6:31 am
A great Simpsons quote will do that to a person.
October 2, 2012 at 6:30 am
One of the greatest Simpsons ‘asides’ ever.
“I’m an old man, no one listens to me.”
“I’m a little girl, no one listens to me.”
“I’m a white male, age 18-49! Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are!” *Pulls out can of “Nuts & Gum.”*
By all means, use the ‘baby’ line, though people might be confused when you accuse them of not liking the Byronic Man’s baby. “The whose what now?”
October 2, 2012 at 4:32 am
Might I suggest you hire a blogger who recently ‘mysteriously’ lost several hundred followers because perhaps she needs a distraction? As I’ve mentioned, I wouldn’t dare change a thing in your lay-out. I don’t even think they MAKE an ‘unsubscribe’ widget, so there you go. I would also be sure to include bear pictures in every post. Maybe just bear half faces. Can I at least include a link on where to buy the finest dresses / jeans? Maybe denim dresses?
Didn’t you have a high-five post, or was it just part of a post? You should re-run that one so I can remember. I know it was funny, and I believe I know where you stand on high-fives because of it.
11 is my favorite/lucky number, but otherwise odd numbers can suck it.
And that concludes this round of random commenting. I look forward to our interview.
October 2, 2012 at 5:42 am
still giggling at ‘odd numbers can suck it’…
October 2, 2012 at 6:34 am
I know, that had to be a hell of a way to start your day. “Oh. I seem to have lost 300 subscribers at once. I see. Well. I shall go sit under a blanket and eat a gallon of ice cream and wash it down with cheap vodka.”
And 11 is pretty cool, but he flaunts the whole “I’m a prime number” thing like it’s soooo special.
October 3, 2012 at 5:50 am
Dude. DUDE! I just saw they switched the follower count back (at least on my blog)! AGAIN. Are they trying to give us all nervous breakdowns? This is like a prank where they pulled our pants down and then laughed and ran away.
I guess I can see the humor in that. I might still be drunk.
October 3, 2012 at 6:22 am
Uh…what the wha…? why would they do that to you?! I would have had a heart attack. Granted, I have half the followers some people have but I’m not jealous or bitter or hung up on stats at all mind you. Nu-uh. pbbbbbbbssssttttttt.
October 2, 2012 at 4:53 am
Make some volunteers contributors to your blog. It works well and is easy to do.
Send me an invite and I’ll submit something for you to edit before publishing.
October 2, 2012 at 11:44 am
I thought about that… I’ll definitely let you know if I want to give that a go. Thanks for offering!
October 2, 2012 at 5:10 am
Whether they’re old posts or new guest posts, I will read in support of you and your baby. 😀 I wouldn’t dare not like your baby.
October 2, 2012 at 11:45 am
Excellent.
October 2, 2012 at 5:17 am
My one and only experience blogsitting was about blogsitting (http://blurtblog.net/2012/09/01/blogsitting-like-dogsitting-but-without-the-drool/) . It was almost as hard as childbirth — and one of my children was almost 11 pounds.
I’m currently in a 10 (D) phase — and even at my best I couldn’t write anything worthy of your caliber. I am looking forward to what posts may come, though.
And to baby stories. I have no idea why I am so excited, Cllarice, but I am!
October 2, 2012 at 6:48 am
I intend only to tell really lengthy, inane stories about the baby. Stories that would barely be entertaining if you were related to the baby, but that I demand extensive appreciation for. Stories of her staring at the wall. Stories about pooping. A 2,000 word description of her sneezing. Etc.
October 2, 2012 at 6:49 am
GRAMMAR COPS!!
I meant, of course, “for which I demand extensive appreciation.”
October 2, 2012 at 8:44 am
According to Merriam Webster online that “don’t end a sentence with a preposition” thing is a myth, myth (yeth?). I hope Sister Ursuline (Freshman English) is rolling over in her grave!!!!
October 2, 2012 at 11:46 am
The day has finally come. At long last.
EVERY TIME someone says “myth” I say “Myth! Myth!” “Yeth?” And no one EVER gets it.
I feel validated.
October 2, 2012 at 11:55 am
Me TOO! I always say that, and nobody gets it. I love you.
October 3, 2012 at 6:34 am
We’re clearly soul-mates. If this were a movie, I’d start running toward you in slow motion.
October 2, 2012 at 5:38 am
I will support you and read your old stuff. I like your stuff so I don’t mind reading your old stuff. Your old stuff is better than most peoples new stuff. Anyone who has the stuff to replace you (temporarily) would be someone that I am currently reading their stuff because I like their stuff. Although double stuff can be good in a cookie I prefer to not have it in a blog.
October 2, 2012 at 6:44 am
Thanks for saying so. Especially the part about Oreos. Mmmm. Oreos…
October 2, 2012 at 5:41 am
Ooh! OOH! I’ll high five a bear AND kill all your plants! Also: every post will be about The Simpsons.
October 2, 2012 at 6:44 am
I’ve done one post that was entirely about The Simpsons. It’s among my least read posts of all time, and also hardest to write because it was, like, 2,000 words before I hacked it down to a trim, easily readable 850. I’m too much a hit-count junkie to do another one. How sad is that?
October 2, 2012 at 7:19 am
What? You mean it isn’t enough that I read it? Oh!…I get it now…I see where I stand with you. All about the fame now, huh.
(I can’t believe you didn’t keep it at 2,000! I would have read all of it, or course. bummer, dude…)
October 2, 2012 at 3:44 pm
…and I would be posting clips like this one all the time:
October 3, 2012 at 5:34 am
Oh, my good lord! Bear chastisement! With a little chianti and fava beans? B-man, hire this genius immediately!
October 3, 2012 at 5:40 am
Darla, I love you. I used your real name, too, so you know I mean it.
Clearly you are the Byronic Woman for the job.
October 3, 2012 at 6:18 am
Oh, JD! Using my real name? I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. (yes, I can do italics..shazam!)
October 3, 2012 at 6:15 am
Sandy, I also loved the part when the bear hesitated when he heard a noise and glanced back while he was creeping up the stairs. I laughed hysterically at that part.
October 3, 2012 at 6:37 am
Oh God, I just love bears so much. If I’m ever president increasing the bear population will be a top priority.
October 2, 2012 at 7:08 am
I remember that Simpsons post, and if I’m not mistaken, I left a number of my favourite quotes in the comments.
I had somewhere exciting I was going with this, but I’m unprepared to be witty before my daily gallon of caffeine.
I’m sure if Jules posted under your name, we’d all assume you had way too much time on your hands, since you’re practically the same person.
October 2, 2012 at 11:13 am
sj, as always, you flatter me. Or perhaps you mock me (either way, I respect that). Who, after all, can live up to THIS?
October 2, 2012 at 11:14 am
Yesssss. I am SO nailing this HTML class tonight!!!
October 2, 2012 at 11:36 am
1. Totally proud of your new html skillz, yo.
2. Holy schnikes, that post was fantastic. Maybe while B-Man is on hiatus, I’ll just peruse the posts from last November back (which was when I started my blog and began following).
3. I honestly don’t know what I mean by anything anymore. You should take it as flattering, I think.
October 2, 2012 at 1:01 pm
Thank you! I plan to show the entire class that post tonight.
October 2, 2012 at 11:47 am
That’s just cold…
October 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm
Thanks for that link Jules, that was hillarious 🙂
October 2, 2012 at 3:49 pm
You are delightfully evil, Miss J-Drawers.
October 3, 2012 at 5:40 am
This was before my time, so very glad you shared with the class. But… um… kinda looks like the B-man had a bad case of gas in that photo. Or his wand got stuck someplace unpleasant.
October 2, 2012 at 11:47 am
I think you were one of the two…
Do you ever read “Dead Homer Society”?
October 2, 2012 at 1:11 pm
I remember clicking over from my phone one day, and then forgetting to go back.
Is that your secret identity?
October 2, 2012 at 7:30 am
1. D) Unfortunately, deciding to visit Kuwait in 1991 was not my best life decision
2. C
3) I am committed, I’m wearing a straight jacket right now– oh, that’s not what you meant
4) https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/523341_3737917209096_2065213848_n.jpg
I’ll finish the rest of the questions when you fly me out for our in-person interview!!!
October 2, 2012 at 11:48 am
Sounds good. I hope coach is okay – the “Flying people out” budget’s getting stretched a little thin. Stupid economy.
October 2, 2012 at 7:57 am
1. A
2. A
These are tough questions. Can I bring a “cheat sheet” to the interview?
October 2, 2012 at 11:49 am
It’s encouraged.
October 2, 2012 at 8:20 am
happy baby – I will still be here to support you, but I am much too boring to guest blog on your site – would not change a thing though – although I would be happy to show half my face as long as it was the lower half
October 2, 2012 at 11:51 am
Sure – half is half!
October 2, 2012 at 8:29 am
Let’s just go through the interview now…
1) Caption: Don’t worry about the fire, the hurricane should put it out and it’s supposed to be here any minute now.
2) I once wrote a Simpsons episode script which I showed to exactly no one. By definition, the script consisted of 100% obscure Simpsons quotes. How do you know I am not quoting it right now?
3) Can I do better job than you leaving witty and insightful comments on other people’s blogs? There is no right answer to that question… I mean, if I say “no”, I don’t deserve the job and won’t get it, if I say “yes”, I’ll offend you and won’t get the job. Think about it. So I’ll go with “yes” while you are thinking about it.
4) Show half of my face? I’m 50% sure I can do it.
5) Water the plans 3 times a week? Of course. 3 pictures of water are attached to my application.
6) Removing vs. keeping distasteful comments? Why would I want to remove my own comments?
7) High-Fiving policy… I will decide on case-by-case basis. For example, I will do my best to avoid high-fiving Edward Scissorhands or Freddy Kruger. Ew, rust.
8) Wait, you can make changes to blogs? Is that why they have Internet on computers now?
9) I have guest blogged on other blogs twice. Both bloggers were so happy with my posts that they’ve suggested I should guest-post it elsewhere from now on.
10) No inspiration? Oh, I don’t know, I could hold a contest or something.
10) Door-to-door promotion… I could, but I probably will be too busy watering plants and holding contests.
10) Coming up with the 12th question…Definitely no, you know I never venture out beyond 10.
October 2, 2012 at 11:51 am
BOOM. Number 8 is a Simpsons quote. Ha! Thought you could slide that one past me.
I wrote (most) of a Simpsons script, too. It was about Homer having a mid-life crisis.
October 2, 2012 at 9:42 pm
Oh, you’re good. Even though I’ve watched pretty much every episode, and many of them more than once, I had to look up the quotes to find one to slip in.
I’d love to read your script, if you ever stop caring about the stats and post it. Mine was about Homer acquiring the ability to understand animals as a result of a head injury.
October 2, 2012 at 8:40 am
I am all for a flaming beach if it is a respite from this job. Hell, bring on the fire and brimstone, Beezlebub!!
I haven’t watched the Simpsons since around 1999. Will that be a problem?
I’m anti-face showing. How about an ear? I could probably get on board with an ear.
I try to comment wittily on other sites. Not sure how successful I am, but I’ll give it a go.
What plants?
I’m more of a fist bump kinda girl. Except for bears. Bears get hugs.
(Crap, this is a lot of questions . . . . . . )
Oh, and 12 is my lucky number!
I’m a shoo-in for this gig!
(Does it matter that I have been devoid of ideas for posts for a good 2 weeks now? Can I just use your old ones, steal the ideas, then post them like they are mine? Ok, sweet!).
October 2, 2012 at 11:53 am
As to not watching the Simpsons since 1999 – that was actually the perfect time to stop. Most serious Simpson fans quite about there. (The more caustic refer to everything since season 10 or 11 as Zombie Simpsons – it’s dead, but it just won’t stop moving)
October 2, 2012 at 8:46 am
10)d. Ha ha! As if THAT would ever happen. Ha ha! Did I mention how funny that would be because I don’t care about stats and hits and that nobody is even reading the crap that I’m slaving over night and day so I have no other kind of LIFE?
So can I apply in the Woody Allen division?
October 2, 2012 at 11:55 am
I just can’t get a bead on the slaving-to-success ratio. I was just complaining to Jules the other day how I’ll throw something up like “I like ice cream. Also cheese.” and it’ll get a bunch of likes and people commenting and saying “best thing you ever wrote!”… then I’ll spend days on something, read it over and over giggling to myself and patting myself on the back and it gets two comments.
October 2, 2012 at 12:00 pm
Holla! (That’s slang for “I certainly have found myself in similar situations frequently, and I can empathize with how that makes you feel).
BTW, it’s not that I’m hanging on your every word (although, of course, I am) that I’m jumping on your every comment the very second you hit the “enter” key (although, of course, I am). I’m on terminal hold at my office with Blue Cross, hence I’m chained to my desk and about to chew my own arm off to ESCAPE!!!!.
October 2, 2012 at 8:56 am
I’m the greatest babysitter who ever lived but your kids may grow up to be OCD quasi-Jewish commies.
October 2, 2012 at 7:56 pm
Could be a lot worse…!
October 2, 2012 at 8:56 am
This is an utterly false premise….you are completely non-replaceable.
Whatever you have to do to get through the “hard yards” is fine with me…
I’ll still be looking in to read it…and make the odd…odd contribution….
I’m not smart enough to know if it’s an aside…but my favorite Simpsons dialogue is in the episode where Homer gets a gun (Cartridge Family…?).
Early in the episode a Home Security System Salesman Guy says:
“Surely you can’t put a price on your family’s safety?”
and Homer’s flawless reply..
“I’d have thought so too….yet here we are…”
October 2, 2012 at 11:57 am
Ah, the home security episode… That’s the cat burglar/vigilante one, isn’t it?
I love the option to hermetically encase the house, and Marge says, “Wouldn’t we all suffocate?”
Salesman: “Heh heh. Well, I should hope not…”
Homer: “Let’s do that! The suffocation thing!”
October 2, 2012 at 9:42 am
“It’s like you don’t support me as a parent and don’t like my baby!” I actually laughed out loud, that is so funny and most likely true.
I’m not filling out that application. It seems like it’s alot of work being you. Oops I know that sounds very 47% of me, but I’m being honest.
I promise to read, like & comment on all the things you post while you are busy taking care of your girls. Best to you all!
October 2, 2012 at 12:00 pm
Oh man, I’ve been telling people for YEARS how hard it is being me.
October 2, 2012 at 10:24 am
Good luck with the baby, B-Man. Go with the old posts — there’s no substitute for the real thing. Or if there is, I’d have had to have read and answered all those questions before commenting.
October 3, 2012 at 6:40 am
It actually seems simpler than the other options – look up old posts, find one I like, hit publish, done. Go change baby, take short nap.
October 2, 2012 at 10:25 am
You’d better fold those little fitted sheets for the crib neatly, pal. Or the kid’s going to turn out weird.
October 3, 2012 at 6:40 am
That’s what all the parenting books say, too.
October 2, 2012 at 12:09 pm
And you’d better get six pairs of sneakers now for when the kid learns to crawl. Three pairs for you, three pairs for Mrs. B-Man. You’ll wear them out…trust me. Small children have the ability to move at hyper-speed, especially when food is nearby.
October 2, 2012 at 2:25 pm
congratulations to you and Mrs B *s* Whenever I need cheered up, this is my first stop. I read a lot more than I comment. sorry, I’ll try to improve. I do have one, sad, admission to make. I don’t have a favourite simpsons quote, because I don’t like the simpsons. Hopefully you’ll forgive me and let me keep reading your blog.
For picture A I would go for something along the lines of ‘If you’re going to survive a crash on the beach, do it in style.”
October 2, 2012 at 2:40 pm
And here I thought I’d heard every scam going to get out of writing a blog post. Mainly because I’ve used most of them.
However, because I am me, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and send you sincere felicitations on the upcoming blessed event.
I’m sure you will be inundated with offers to keep The Byronic Man from doing a face plant, however…if you find yourself short at the last minute, I could probably bang out something this side of totally obscene and frivolous. Just say the word.
October 2, 2012 at 4:47 pm
I am a loyal reader and therefore already adore your upcoming spawn *ahem* baby, as detailed in the terms & conditions/user agreement for accessing your blog. I do not have the talent to be a substitute though, so I offer a different option.
You could post *This content has since been removed due to pending litigation* in a new post every few days. Then we, your loyal readers, could comment randomly and leave future readers to wonder as to what original content was so inflammatory, it required legal redress.
Ex: “Wow, B-man, that’s an interesting opinion. I think the bears might disagree though, especially with their position on doping. Kudos for putting it out there!”
Feel free to ignore this comment; my brain cells have gone on strike until I meet their chocolate demands. Alas, I have no chocolate in the house. We are at an impasse.
October 2, 2012 at 8:44 pm
Since I don’t like the Simpson, I wouldn’t dare to try to guest post for you. I would, however, be very pleased to read older posts!
October 2, 2012 at 9:06 pm
Please, please, please tell ALL the relatives when the Byronic baby is born before posting the news. It was so embarrassing to know that the baby would be a girl before one particular non-computerized relative knew.
Early Congratulations and Best Wishes!
October 3, 2012 at 2:36 am
Congrats for the new baby! I think I will fail your questionnaire, so I wont even try! Yeah, I know I’m craven…But I’ll come and read what the new BM are writting.
Good luck!
October 7, 2012 at 4:39 am
Write your own stuff man! I’ve got children, blogs and pets of my own to tend to. When I got the e-mail notification ‘Hire You To be Byronic Man’ I thought the ‘money mule’ e-mailer scammers, who pretend they have a real job for me, but only want bank accounts to launder money, had kidnapped you and were using you as a front! Anyway good luck with the baby thing and the good news is you get your life back when the child turns 30! After that it’s a downhill freewheel.
October 7, 2012 at 5:21 pm
This is really weird but from the moment I started reading this I was really hoping you wouldn’t end on #11.
Yay — you’re almost there, Byronic Dad!
October 8, 2012 at 10:51 am
I think Byronic will be learning from DaddyDrinks very soon. AND understand why.
October 24, 2012 at 10:48 am
1. “Uh Junior be careful with the lighter fluid, I think there’s a small leak.
2.”Confound it Smithers. I like the cut of his jib”
3.Yes I am pandering erm commenting everyday, and they are observations of the wittiest kind.
4. Depends on which half…I’m pretty proud of my chin and nose.
5. I dump the remnants of the previous day’s coffee into my plant’s pots. Not only have they thrived…they are wide awake.
6. I have only had one comment even borderng on negative. But..after weeping uncontrolably and calling my best friend to reassure me that I am still special and brilliant. I change the name of the commenter to someone famous and universally despised. Karl Rove, Wacky Joe Stalin, Dick Cheney. Then I hunt down the Negative Nancy and leave flaming bags of dog grumpies on their front porch at 3am.
7. High Fives are OK. They get a little awkward with amuptees however.
8. I’d make people pay me tributes of cash, grain, livestock, virgin daughters or first born male children. I’d also demand to be addressed as “All High and Mighty Daddy Pants Grand PooBah
9. Limited experience, but I’d like to think I have dashed the hopes of a few aspiring writers, and made a few cry.
10. E. I search high and low for an excellent blog in an obscure language, use google translator and pass it off as mine.
11. Not only would I go door to door, I would use blackmail, extortion, and skywriting.
12. Of course. The question everyone has been dying to know the answer to.
“Why, God?”