Behold! We Shall Call These New Leg Coverings: Jeans.

September 24, 2012

Humor

I was flipping through a magazine earlier and it had this article with several New York movers & shakers who have discovered wearing jeans.  Even to work.  I know!  Jeans!  Just…. wearing them!

I realize this is a little more unusual in the Northeast.  I wore jeans once in Massachusetts and people looked at me like I was wearing chaps and twirling a lasso (I wasn’t, just to be clear).  But we’re quite a bit more casual out west.  We wear jeans to work, dinner, hoe-downs, cattle-rasslin’, anything.

By gar, I’d better get this post to the pony express so it can get delivered to WordPress by tomorry!

NO, we don’t really go to hoe-downs and rassle cattle!  That was a trick.  Everyone knows you rassle b’ars and wrangle cattle.  Der.

Anyway, the people in the article talked about jeans like it was this new thing they’d discovered while in Milan.  A whole new clothing paradigm.  And, as such, had to go to bizarre, hyperbolic lengths.

One of the people talking about jeans in the article said, “The problem is that if you wash jeans, you completely change them.  That’s why I freeze them once a month to kill the bacteria, rather than wash them.”

I’m sorry… you freeze them?  This is what’s known, in laymen’s terms, as “stupid.”  You see, people who go outside and occasionally interact with things will, eventually, get dirty.  I know, that can be a frightening concept, but – I’m sorry – it’s simply going to happen.

Also, if your jeans “completely change” after one washing, one of three things is happening:

  1. You’re buying awful, awful jeans.
  2. You’re getting denim confused with spiders’ webs.
  3. You’re waaaaay too attentive to your pants.

Oh. Oh, they’re made out of gold? Oh, well, sure then, $1200 sounds reasonable…

But, of course I doubt he’s buying awful jeans.  The pairs in the article that were “recommended” ran from $300 to $1,200.  $1,200.  For jeans. Now, I’m not against nice jeans, not at all.  I myself own a couple pairs of higher-end jeans.  One of my best friends is even in to the whole Japanese denim thing, and I mock him for it because we’re friends, but okay, fine.  But $1,200?  Custom-tailored jeans?  Doesn’t that kind of go against the ruggedness a teensy bit?

Oh, and don’t think that “once a month” part eluded anyone, buster.  Gyuck.

There was a “what jeans are right for you” section too.  It asked, “Should I consider getting a pair of skinny jeans?”  I’ll handle this one, magazine article.  You take five.  Should you, adult male reader of the article, consider getting skinny jeans?

No.

Moving on.

In any case, I’m glad that the cutting edge of the avant garde of the prêt a porter set have discovered jeans, even if they’re kind of missing the forest for the trees.  Wait until I show you this new shirt I’ve invented.  It has no buttons, and is shaped kind of like a T and just slides over your head!  I call it a “Slidey-no-button.”

Wait ‘til Milan hears about it.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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86 Comments on “Behold! We Shall Call These New Leg Coverings: Jeans.”

  1. jcgator1 Says:

    I’m a jean kinda of guy so I found this post completely and utterly hilarious! People can take their “jeanary” way too far. Freezing them? Really? Lol. I have heard of people doing this though which I agree with u, yuck. I say, let the jeans change. Adds character (and takes away those Nasty bacteria….amongst other things.)

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Really? You’ve heard of other people freezing their jeans? How many people could there possibly be who think that’s a good idea? Or an effective idea? Or an idea that exists within the boundaries of rational behavior?

      Reply

      • jcgator1 Says:

        LOL, I dont know the exact number, but they are most definitely out there. Apparently, this is a well known high fashion trick. *shrugs* but Im a firm believer of Tide….or Gain….and a washing machine. Hand washing jeans can be quite painful, lol.

        Reply

        • The Byronic Man Says:

          I remember looking at some nicer jeans and someone saying I should hand wash & line-dry them. “I hear what you’re saying, and accept that it will probably extend the life of the jeans… but that’s not going to happen. My denim dignity has a limit. And if you suggest ironing them, I’m leaving.”

          Reply

  2. Laura Says:

    I think you may have missed an important detail. There’s only one thing I know of that people freeze in order to kill microorganisms. Clearly these jeans were inspired by Lady Gaga’s meat dress and are made out of sushi-grade tuna.

    Reply

  3. Don't Quote Lily Says:

    Right, I have the same problem. When I buy them, they’re jeans, and after one wash, they turn into butterflies. Stupid, less than $1,200 jeans.

    Slidey-no-button…? Aren’t you cute… 😉

    Reply

  4. prttynpnk Says:

    When did tailored jeans stop being ‘dad jeans’?

    Reply

  5. Life With The Top Down Says:

    Hahahaha! My husband has been known to still refer to his jeans as…dungarees. I wonder what they would think about that term.
    I love the “slidey-no-button” reference…lol

    Reply

  6. Valentine Logar Says:

    Okay, this is way too weird for me. Maybe because I am from Texas. But we wear jeans everywhere. We have our work jeans, our day jeans, our night time jeans, our good jeans, our going out dancing jeans, our date night jeans and even our Sunday Go to Meeting jeans.

    We wash our jeans. We wash our jeans before we wear our jeans.

    Of course, we still wear leather and fur too.

    I went to New York in the winter a few years back. I wore my red cowboy boots, my good jeans and my full length Mink for walking around the city. It was cold outside.

    Guess that was why people were staring, my jeans.

    Reply

  7. thefoodandwinehedonist Says:

    A buddy’s dad calls them dungarees… Them changing was always the best part about jeans. When I was a kid in the 1770s jeans were all dark blue and stiff as a board. after months and many washings they would get soft and custom fit.

    Reply

  8. Hippie Cahier Says:

    I wonder if you were reading The Washington Post’s “Style” section, infamous for its semi-annual groundbreaking feature article on this crazy new fad called “sliced bread.”

    Reply

  9. Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson Says:

    Did I inspire this post by telling you how fantastic you looked in those jeans? I think I must have. I think I will believe that. 😉

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      You’re so vain, you probably think this post is about you. Don’t you? Don’t you?

      Actually, funnily enough, as I was writing it I thought, “Renee’s going to think I let that comment go to my head (I have) and that now I’m some sort of authority on the subject.”

      Reply

  10. Go Jules Go Says:

    Wait. You own a couple “pairs of higher-end jeans”? You do?

    I wear jeans all the time. With my slidey-no-buttons sometimes, too. Is NJ going to kick me out?

    I was helping Jenn shop yesterday, and went on a very long rant about guys and skinny jeans. You would have enjoyed it. There were Jonas Brothers references and everything.

    I’m not even going to touch the freezer and $1200 pants. I might have a heart attack; I’m still recovering from yesterday.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Well, maybe it you get some acid-wash jeans? I don’t know, I equate those with a certain NJ demographic.

      And no one looks good in skinny jeans. It’s like a triumph of marketing over sanity that people put them on and think, “Yeah. Yeah, this is what I want to look like.”

      Reply

  11. Michelle Gillies Says:

    Oddly, I always thought bacteria, and pretty much everything else was frozen to preserve them until they were ready to unthaw and examine them under a microscope.
    Thank you for giving me Bowie to start my day. 🙂

    Reply

  12. RFL Says:

    I hate it when I confuse my jeans with spider webs!

    Reply

  13. andshelaughs Says:

    I can’t wait until chaps hit the big time! Lol!

    Reply

  14. mistyslaws Says:

    Oh man, jeans? What is this strange and mythical creature you speak of? Do tell me more.

    The other thing that they are doing to change the jeans is washing them in hot water. No kidding they will shrink up, dummy. But put them on for a bit and they will be just fine. I’m a jeans girl. I live in them. Oh, except all those times I have to wear suits and business casual to work. Or what I like to call . . . misery. And the other times when I’m just in my sweats. But weekends = jeans and a hat.

    But, can you tell me some more about this no button shirt thing you invented? Sounds very interesting . . .

    Reply

  15. angeliquejamail Says:

    Man on man, this improved my Monday morning. Hilarious. I’m sharing it, because I know I’m not the only one having a case of the Mondays around here.

    Reply

  16. Le Clown Says:

    The Byronic Man,
    Le Clown needs to ask the hard questions. Why post a Bowie song about Jean Genet?
    Le Clown

    Reply

  17. clemarchives Says:

    1- I have a friend who, in college, saved up for about 2 months to get a pair of True Religions, which I think go for roughly $400 when on clearance. I kid you not. He did then proceed to wear them more or less everyday for a year though so that’s… Disturbing?

    2- Two Christmases ago I asked my brother and my father to not wear jeans to the Christmas Eve dinner I had arranged for my friend and her parents to come over and for us to actually celebrate for once: my brother claimed this made me a “dictator” who was “stealing Christmas;” my father tried to calm my brother down by telling him I was joking then frantically looked at me and said, “You’re joking, right?!” before talking about how he goes to work for companies like Johnson and Johnson in jeans; then my brother sat downstairs for half an hour after my friend and her parents came because he was too mad to go interact with people.

    Reply

  18. Aaron W. Herrick Says:

    Freezing does NOT kill bacteria, and it will not remove organics (bacterial food) such as sweat, dirt, etc.
    That fashion victim in the original article is likely to smell pretty rank pretty fast. YUK!

    Reply

  19. Audrey Says:

    Usually it seems like us NWers are the last to catch on to the fashion trends. Can you believe we’re actually the trendsetters this time around?!

    Reply

  20. Kara d. Says:

    I remember reading an article once on an experiment a guy did with his jeans. He didn’t wash them for an absurd amount of time and then had the bacteria tested. Apparently there were no harmful bacteria growing on them. Never mind the smell and stains, at least we know we don’t even need to freeze them!

    Reply

  21. musingsoftheamusingmuse Says:

    You know, I’ve read a few times in various fashion magazines about freezing jeans… and well, I know what my jeans look like after a day in the yard, barn and everywhere else… I don’t want THAT in my freezer. Personally, I haven’t paid over $70 for a pair of jeans and I wear (and WASH) them until they wear out… Upon their death, they’re given a proper cremation. They are saved until we have a bonfire in the fall or winter and are cremated… seriously – I can’t make this stuff up.

    Reply

  22. Blogdramedy Says:

    You’re always on the cutting edge of something. And I think I speak for everyone who comments here…we’d like to see you in a pair of jeans. From the back. 😉

    Reply

  23. anecdotaltales Says:

    See, now if you were writing fashion magazines, I’d actually read the ones laying around the doctor’s office. But this works too.

    Reply

  24. pegoleg Says:

    I think you missed the fine print on those $1200 jeans. They’re actually a real deal because they come with a GE 10 cu ft chest freezer accessory.

    Reply

  25. Carrie Rubin Says:

    Hmm, putting clothing and other fabrics in the freezer is a good way to kill lice and scabies. Are these jean-freezing folks trying to tell us something? Be sure to maintain the three-foot rule of contact if you come near them…

    Reply

  26. Lorna's Voice Says:

    Hmmm. I go to the thrift stores and buy perfectly great jeans for $5.00. Does that make me pathetic or brilliant?

    Reply

  27. Jill Pinnella Corso Says:

    I just snorted multiple times in my office.

    OK. Jeans are very, very important to me. If I had the option to wear jeans to work but I had to also wear them to sleep, I would do it.

    But, alas, I work in one of those uptight NYC offices and I will be stuck wearing suits for the rest of my life. Or maybe I should just move out west.

    Reply

  28. Kim Says:

    I prefer to wrap my Walmart jean around my head, turban style…. after they’ve been washed and “changed forever”

    Reply

  29. spilledinkguy Says:

    *spits and squints into the sun*
    Them’s fightin’ words…
    I like my skinny jeans just fine, pard’ner…
    ’cause I have to tuck ’em into my boots…

    Reply

  30. becomingcliche Says:

    I bet the “Slidey No-button” will totally catch on! And people will pay huge sums of money for them. I’ll give you $1200 for the prototype!

    Reply

  31. susielindau Says:

    Some people dry clean them! Can you imagine? I think that pressing them is bad enough, but the worst is obviously pressed dry cleaned jeans on guys. Give me Levis any day…

    Reply

    • angeliquejamail Says:

      My mom told me that when my parents were first married, she knew nothing about being a homemaker. It was the early 70s and she’d been a career woman. But she tried really hard to do everything right. Unfortunately, not knowing any better, she used to iron EVERYTHING my dad wore, including his jeans, to get the front crease “just right.” Poor woman. She got over it quickly once they started having kids and became more reasonable about her expectations. I think they also hired a housekeeper any time they could afford to.

      Reply

  32. The Waiting Says:

    Someone really needs to get the Mythbusters to test this concept of jeans freezing.

    Reply

  33. She's a Maineiac Says:

    I am dying over here I’m laughing so hard. One of your funniest posts.

    Reply

  34. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    oh god this was hilarious..
    Salute to that great freeze’em guy.
    now they will have to add ‘wash don’t freeze’ in the washing instruction just to make it clear, you never know may be there are more people like him..

    Reply

  35. Sandy Sue Says:

    Tarnation, Pard! Them high falutin’ folk shore do know how t’dress proper! Gotta hitch up m’dungarees ‘n’ go rassle me a bar!

    Reply

  36. The Good Greatsby Says:

    Don’t you dare knock my spiders’ web jeans!

    Reply

  37. Luddy's Lens Says:

    Hmmm…these “Jeans” and your Slidey-no-button might look well when topped with my new High Above Toes.

    Reply

  38. inukshuk Says:

    Really, why would anyone ever dream of freezing their jeans ? What’s the point ?

    Wear them once to a cool hipster avant-garde vernissage, and then throw them away. You wouldn’t want to wear the same pair of jeans a second time, would you ? The shame…

    Oh, and big big Thank You for your side notes on skinny jeans.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I remember reading about a Hollywood producer who wore a brand new pair of jeans every day, and then threw them out at the end of the day. (Didn’t even give them to goodwill, just chucked them)

      Really? The second time you wear them they just feel weird? Just aren’t quite comfortable?

      Reply

  39. madtante Says:

    I was trying on jeans about 2 years ago — at a MALL (ugh, they have the most shops…this is the Midwest; if it’s not a mall, it’s a pasture). The shop girls WOULD NOT SHUT UP about how I “had to have” skinny jeans. “You’re hawt, though,” in response to my AGE. No.

    I never wore cool clothing (deemed by others, rather the proletariat) before. I shall continue to be mocked and wear what I like. Granted, sometimes with casual (meaning workout) clothing, I REALLY look bad (I just grab whatever is closest to me–jog bra doesn’t match shorts, everything’s a different pattern or color scheme).

    That said, I can’t “play” fashion (another Bowie reference). I’m clueless.

    Reply

  40. trixfred30 Says:

    I can remember wanting my hair cut like bowie in his aladdin sane mode (or whatever phase it was) now i’m going bald and grey. Should have done it when i had the chance

    Reply

  41. Love & Lunchmeat Says:

    My dad irons his jeans. (I’m not even sure we’re related sometimes.) I’ve never known anyone who actually freezes their jeans. I do know a LOT of girls who refuse to put their jeans in the dryer…

    Reply

  42. Angie Z. Says:

    I’m sorry but I’m still pretty preoccupied with the freeze-the-jeans-once-a-month in lieu of washing them part. I don’t know if I’ll get to sleep tonight while I’m tossing this log around.

    I’m not one to quote the show Friends — for whatever reason I often hide the fact that I ever watched it, why? — but I’m reminded of the episode where Ross’ tight leather pants won’t pull back up after getting this legs wet. So Joey tells him to put lotion on his legs, and then baby powder, which then forms a paste. And then Joey says that Ross could maybe make paste pants and his date wouldn’t know the difference. Did you already know all this?

    So that brings me to this — paste pants. Coming soon. Expensive, delicate and they will never survive washing OR freezing. This magazine will be right on top of the trend by next fall.

    Reply

  43. The Bumble Files Says:

    So funny, slidey-no-buttons. Haha. I love that song. I haven’t heard in awhile.

    Reply

  44. Elyse Says:

    Oh, this is one of my favorites of all.

    My brother once had a horrible girlfriend — a classmate of mine whom I had always hated. She came over for our Christmas celebration and the conversation turned to jeans. She explained how she bathed in her so that they fit her just right. The silence in the room was deafening.

    I’m sure she was one of the first to buy these jeans.

    Reply

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