The Byronic Man is a certified astrologer. He has a Masters degree in Zodiacry from the University of Nehru, and a PhD in Astronomy and Astro-Physics from The Louvre.
Capricorn: Today you will meet a Pisces and fall wildly in love and live passionately, and ecstatically. Unless you miss your opportunity. Talk to every person you see today, including pedestrians and people in traffic. Consider carrying a sign and/or screaming “Pisces! Who’s a Pisces!?” just to be sure.
Aquarius: So, one of the stars in your constellation collapsed in on itself. Just *pop*. Fizzled. Incomplete constellation. I don’t know what that means but… damn, right? I’m going to say – at the very least – really stretch out before any rigorous activity.
Pisces: Be careful of a Capricorn who is mentally unbalanced. He or she may come out of nowhere – be mindful and wary. If you see a Capricorn, run.
Aries: Today, Aries, if you’re a barbarian, the stars and planets are aligned for you! Today would be a perfect day to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women! If you’re not a barbarian, this would be a great day to start.
Copernicus: Today would be a perfect day for formulating that heliocentric theory. Embrace the day!
Taurus: It’s all Scorpio’s fault. Stupid Scorpio. You don’t have to take that crap. Look at Scorpio; thinks he/she is all that. But we’ll see who’s laughing last, won’t we, Taurus. Yes. Yes, we will.
Gemini: Wow! Amazing opportunities ahead! Today could be the stuff dreams are made of! And all you need to do is… shoot, what’s that from? “It’s the stuff dreams are made of”? It’s a movie. A Bogart movie. Casablanca? No, no. The Big Sleep? Maybe. I don’t think so. Dang it, this is going to bug me all day…
Cancer: If someone asks if you “want to taste this” the answer is no, Cancer. If an opportunity arises to wear a mesh muscle-shirt, on the other hand, the answer is hell, yes.
Janus: An opportunity will arise for a put a new spin on an old relationship that… wait a second… there’s no such sign as “Janus”! Get outta here, ya bum!
Leo: Don’t get discouraged by naysayers! There is definitely room for both of you on that floating door. Don’t be left out in the cold because of bad advice!
Virgo: The Maltese Falcon! Bingo! That’s the movie. Duh. Ha ha! Whew. There we go. Maltese Falcon. “If they hang you, I’ll always remember you.” Classic.
Libra: Calm down, there! If you’re thinking about making that big move and being born a week or two before your due date, you might give it a little longer. Just like, a week, at least? Your parents would really appreciate it.
Scorpio: Today would be a great day to buy a lottery ticket! You won’t win, but, you know, scratching the little things off is fun. Also, what’s up with Taurus? Seriously. What’d you do? Nothing, that’s what.
Sagittarius: Is this sign real? It sounds made up. Fool me once, and all that. Isn’t “Sagittarius” the name of that really expensive violin? Well, just to be safe, uh… You’ll have an opportunity to do a thing. A thing that’s good and, you know, beneficial. Be sure to do that.