A couple of weeks ago the Romney campaign, admitting that things had been rocky, announced its intentions to revamp its campaign. Sure enough, since then Romney’s campaign has been in the headlines nearly every day.
Now, revealed for the first time here at The Byronic Man, we present the memo outlining the revised plan for the Romney campaign!
Top Secret: Plan to rejuvenate Romney Campaign.
Ladies and Gentlemen: What’s needed is “out of the box” thinking to add zest and excitement to this campaign! They think they know Romney? Not anymore! We’re going to zig when they think we’ll zag! The new strategy can be summed up in two words: Defy Expectations!
Seen here: Palestinians one their way to market, as envisioned by RomneyWorld.
They’ll EXPECT us to thank them for a lifetime of service… but imagine their surprise when we just shout, “GET A JOB, FREELOADER!” at them!
***
Alright, team – this campaign won’t know what hit ‘em! Let’s get out there and blow their expectations out the back of their skulls!
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The Byronic Man 
September 19, 2012 at 3:27 am
Importunately, this seems too close to the truth to be funny, especially since so many people are preparing to vote Obama rather than for Romney….they have stopped paying attention.
September 19, 2012 at 6:29 am
Actually, everything under the “new tactic” part is, in fact, true – including the automated phone message about Obama funding attacks on the US (Which, amazingly, came while I was writing this. It’s like the Romney campaign wanted to help). And it is always dangerous when people in a democracy stop paying attention – especially to their own party.
September 19, 2012 at 3:52 am
I can not tolerate the lying, the spreading of the lies and finally the arguing over the lies. These very poor examples are spreading like wildfire into our everyday lives. I can just about talk to people at this point and we won’t even discuss Facebook…dear lord that is a whole other animal. I was recently deleted for answering the question “be honest, I want your honest opinion, am I crazy to believe that the world is coming to an end at the hands of our president?” Some people can’t handle the truth I guess.
Great post, funny but so sadly true.
September 19, 2012 at 6:34 am
Especially since the world is OBVIOUSLY coming to an end at the hand of the Mayans.
It’s funny, isn’t it? Politicians lie, obviously. Obama lies, McCain lied, they all lie. But there’s a strange, invisible line politicians cross sometimes and I don’t know what the difference is. But suddenly it feels loathsome instead of business-as-usual.
There was a news story recently about a blanketly false statement being made over and over by Romney that conservative groups were even saying was patently untrue and that he needed to stop saying it, yet – even confronted with that – wouldn’t. It was a good line so it didn’t matter.
September 19, 2012 at 4:25 am
B-man, you’ve summed up the Romney candidacy perfectly. I’m pretty sure the new tactic will be similar to their tactic on Seamus the dog on the roof. They just won’t mention the fact that they are lying and that their policies destroy our country…
September 19, 2012 at 6:40 am
It was a difficult post to write, actually, because almost none of it’s made up (well, all of it is, of course, but all the bizarre actions are real). It’s like it didn’t count as funny.
September 19, 2012 at 6:51 am
Laughing and crying you know it’s the same release…
September 19, 2012 at 4:44 am
It’s actually too bad that the Republicans can’t seem to find a non-zillionaire to run for president. I think a real Joe is probably the only person who might have had a shot at beating Obama. I mean, who wants to admit to voting for Romney at this point. And Christ Christy is just scary. Do we want these people to represent our country?
If you ask me, what we REALLY need is a hot teacher in the White House…
Just sayin’. 😉
September 19, 2012 at 6:39 am
If I can have Van Halen’s “Hot For Teacher” as my campaign theme song, I’ll consider it.
Actually, my campaign would be derailed immediately, because I periodically tell people, “If I ever run for president, I’ll say all the usual campaign-promise nonsense, but just know that my real agenda includes ____ (Annexing Scotland/ making Paul Newman’s birthday a national holiday/carpet-bombing Las Vegas/giving bears bazookas/etc.)”
September 19, 2012 at 8:27 am
How do you know Renee wasn’t referring to herself in the “hot teacher” comment? 😉
September 19, 2012 at 12:15 pm
Entirely possible – I’m just making my requirements clear.
September 19, 2012 at 4:57 am
I think he should next say something like “The children aren’t our future” and “The bald eagle looks like a stupid jackass.”
September 19, 2012 at 12:15 pm
“By being an endangered species, the bald eagle infringes on our 2nd Amendment rights!”
September 19, 2012 at 4:58 am
Didn’t you say you were going to run? Can I be your campaign manager, this seems to be a fairly simple job.
Perhaps Renee could be your VP
September 19, 2012 at 1:03 pm
Oh, being my campaign manager would be a huge job, because I intend to say all kinds of insane things, which the manager will have to figure out how to fix.
September 19, 2012 at 7:48 pm
I will just slap you silly and then tell people you forgot to take your drugs.
Easy.
September 19, 2012 at 5:08 am
oh man you nailed it..this is exactly what Romney needs and if this doesnt help then this world is not fit for living i say
September 19, 2012 at 1:11 pm
Sadly, all the actions I describe here are true… if not the reasoning.
September 19, 2012 at 5:10 am
Remember: they can’t disagree with you if they can’t physically function.
Bwahaha! Finally I’m seeing the overall strategy clearly. Until now, I’ve been stuck simply shaking my head and asking, “WTF?” Now I’m getting it, thanks, naturally, to you.
September 19, 2012 at 10:57 am
Deb, like you I’ve been perplexed by Romney and found myself quoting Scooby Doo (Rahrooroo?) far too often when pondering the latest Romney-isms. I found this post to be quite the tutorial; so helpful, in fact, I will be sharing it with my family and friends so they can tell two friends, and they can tell two friends, and so on and so on.
And to The Byronic Man, one question. You write:
“Problem: Seen as such a product of privilege as to be unable to understand the lives of ordinary citizens.
Expectation: Make a big show of being a regular fella and getting to know regular folks.”
Would Ann claiming to buy his shirts at Costco be part of this strategy?! Oh–he and Ann almost had me. I’ll bet they don’t buy their hash-browns or toilet paper in bulk either!
September 19, 2012 at 1:05 pm
Oh, definitely. They tried this tactic but it was just laughable. People thought John Kerry had trouble connecting to regular people (Which he did) – this is a whole new level. The more they try to look regular, the stranger they seem.
September 19, 2012 at 1:26 pm
Aliens. Now, I’m sure of it.
They’ve probably never even had such plebeian food as hash-browns. Too bad for them!
September 19, 2012 at 5:20 am
Honestly, we have this thing in the ag-bay.
September 19, 2012 at 1:13 pm
Did you know there are conservatives calling for Mittens to step down and give the candidacy over to Ryan? That’s not a good sign for your campaign.
September 19, 2012 at 2:17 pm
Oh dear chipmunks. Did you think by ‘we’ I meant ‘we Republicans’? I’m talking about JuJuBees 2012, my friend.
September 19, 2012 at 8:22 pm
Oh, no – I meant that the signs are so bad for RoRy. JuJuBees should probably start talking color schemes for the oval office.
September 20, 2012 at 3:40 am
You’re not going to insist on wall decals, are you?
September 19, 2012 at 8:15 am
Could it be that at this point he is just so overwhelmed that he doesn’t WANT to be prez and he’s intentionally trying to throw the whole thing? I mean, that would make more sense than what is actually happening. I is cunfussed.
September 19, 2012 at 1:14 pm
I’d believe it – there’s such a strange, dark anger in his voice, and such bizarre lashing out that it’s like he’s mad at America for not just letting him do what he wants.
September 19, 2012 at 8:18 am
At this point my expectations couldn’t be lower….I think you should run. I’ll write you in on my ballot!
September 19, 2012 at 9:47 am
Yeah! Ron Ick Man! RON ICK MAN!
September 19, 2012 at 9:55 am
Ron Ick Man! RON ICK MAN! Can you hear us????
September 19, 2012 at 1:10 pm
(I’m waiting until the chant gets big enough for a grand entrance – get the crowd worked up)
September 19, 2012 at 4:19 pm
rrrRRROONNN ICKKKK MAAAAAANNNnn! How’s that?
September 19, 2012 at 8:24 am
I still have moments where I forget Mittens is actually the candidate and not just that guy who’s been trying to be the candidate for so long because he felt he needed to create the Romney dynasty after his father couldn’t get the nomination.
I remember listening to NPR during the RNC and the journalists and pundits all talked about the blatant lies by the speakers there but then laughed because they realized many of the Republican base wouldn’t care. Blerg!
September 19, 2012 at 1:07 pm
Really, everything they said was completely true except for not having actually happened. So who’s really the liar? The person who says it, or the person who doesn’t do the thing that was said?
September 19, 2012 at 8:28 am
The one bad thing about my vacation was watching cable and having to deal with the political commercials. Like they were all hate commercials done by Romney (or at least his publicity group)… He has nothing positive to say about himself so he just tears down Obama? Can’t do like a photo op with orphaned kids? Giving ice cream to children? It’s just sad.
September 19, 2012 at 9:41 am
Nope. Kids are freeloaders and moochers.
September 19, 2012 at 1:07 pm
Would not surprise me if Romney next says that he finds children “obnoxious whiners.”
September 19, 2012 at 3:15 pm
Oooh right. Then he could at least make a commercial of him giving the kids a paper bag lunch as they head off into the mines?
September 19, 2012 at 4:32 pm
I don’t think so: those paper bag lunches would still count as government handouts! But I think Romney could still berate these lazy kids for slacking off during lunch, or give out pink slips with “Romney 2012” written on them.
September 21, 2012 at 6:50 am
Gosh I am just not very good at this political campaign stuff… I do like the pink slip idea, though…
September 19, 2012 at 8:29 am
Here’s what really disturbs me (this is not a funny comment, since, as you said, your post is mostly true and therefore not meant to be funny): he will pick up votes with his new approach – which is basically shoring up his base. You may have heard him say the other day that people who don’t pay taxes won’t vote for him because the idea of cutting taxes doesn’t do anything for them. It’s an interesting strategy. I love it when Republicans claim that the only kind of class warfare is the kind that shows concern for the lower 98%.
September 19, 2012 at 1:16 pm
It’s also a sad state of democracy that a candidate doesn’t focus on what’s right, or what will best represent the nation as a whole, but simply “okay, forget 47% of the country – they’re on the bad list. I only intend to try to help the other half.”
September 19, 2012 at 8:37 am
This is rich! Thanks for the smirk and facetious laugh Byronic Man – Kudos.
September 19, 2012 at 1:16 pm
Not as rich as Romney, though.
September 19, 2012 at 9:07 am
Funny but sad. Sad but funny. Is this the state of American politics? Yep! And it’ll only get worse from here on out, people. Get out your barf bags.
Not that American politics (or politics) in general have ever been dignified. Still, I long for the days of cane fights in Senate.
September 19, 2012 at 9:45 am
Rationale: Works for reality TV.
It’s only a matter of time before our elections are conducted reality-tv style.
September 19, 2012 at 9:46 am
I would never consider voting for Romney, but at this point I am starting to feel bad about him (I am not stopping making fun of him just yet). He is beginning to feel like a pity candidate – you know he is probably not going to win, but he deserves a ribbon for his effort and hard work.
September 19, 2012 at 1:10 pm
So many people – including liberals – have also felt let down by Obama that it seems like at this point a truly extraordinary write-in candidate could, in fact, win.
September 19, 2012 at 4:25 pm
Are you referring to your September 10 post?
September 19, 2012 at 10:16 am
As soon as I read the “pig latin”… “The less we bring up the og-day on top of the ar-cay” the tears started running down my face from laughing so hard. The rest of the post was a blurr 😉
September 19, 2012 at 10:28 am
Genius!
September 19, 2012 at 1:08 pm
That is a very cute baby in your photo.
September 19, 2012 at 4:07 pm
Thanks, but I’m really regretting naming him Mittens now…
September 19, 2012 at 11:19 am
Brilliant. Although so near to the truth that I now need to go lie down.
September 19, 2012 at 1:27 pm
Mittens is giving hack politicians all over the world a bad name. At least Letterman et al. will have material until November. Then they can bitch about the early onset of Christmas.
September 19, 2012 at 2:23 pm
“They can’t disagree with you if they can’t physically function”…love it!
September 19, 2012 at 5:05 pm
Republicans can pull this off if they change the ticket at the last minute. A Rafalca/Ryan ticket could win because of the ‘awww, it’s a pony’ demographic.
September 20, 2012 at 1:23 am
He will go far
September 20, 2012 at 5:41 am
Good post on Mitt’s incredible campaign. The Koch brothers must be wondering why $20 million just doesn’t buy what it used to.
September 20, 2012 at 12:27 pm
politicians are the most corrupt on earth we in britain have the worst in cameron he is worse than margaret thatcher his side kick clegg is a donkey and the oppo ed milliband is a screw up too so while politicians argue and bleat like sheep we go to the dogs hope you get a decent president because this country look to yours for a leader in lots of things wow heavy going and im not into politics just living xjen
September 20, 2012 at 2:59 pm
I like what you said on your post. Thanks. Most of us have worked hard and are disabled, but they don’t have to think about that ever.
September 21, 2012 at 10:26 am
His own entitlement stupidity has done him in. He thinks that he is entitled to do or say anything that he wants and his money will back him up. Wrong!
September 21, 2012 at 2:25 pm
Ooooohhh! Romney makes so much more sense to me now. Thanks for clearing all that up for me, B-man!