The Romney Campaign: Defying Expectations!

September 19, 2012

Humor

A couple of weeks ago the Romney campaign, admitting that things had been rocky, announced its intentions to revamp its campaign.  Sure enough, since then Romney’s campaign has been in the headlines nearly every day.

Now, revealed for the first time here at The Byronic Man, we present the memo outlining the revised plan for the Romney campaign!

Top Secret: Plan to rejuvenate Romney Campaign.

Ladies and Gentlemen: What’s needed is “out of the box” thinking to add zest and excitement to this campaign!  They think they know Romney?  Not anymore!  We’re going to zig when they think we’ll zag!  The new strategy can be summed up in two words: Defy Expectations!

Seen here: Palestinians one their way to market, as envisioned by RomneyWorld.

Problem: Romney is seen as uninformed and undiplomatic regarding foreign affairs.
Expectation: A crash course in diplomacy and global politics.
New tactic: Accuse all Palestinians of being sub-humans who crave nothing but death and war and are responsible for all problems in the middle east. 
Rationale: This will demonstrate commitment to foreign policy and a simpler world where global politics consist of shiny heroes and goblins. 
***
Problem: Candidate appears divisive.
Expectation: Demonstrate concern for all Americans, regardless of background or affiliation.
New Tactic: Flatly state the intention to ignore the needs of anyone who doesn’t vote for him. 
Rationale: This will show an almost canine-like loyalty, and people love dogs! (note: dog comparison should be avoided publicly.  The less we bring up the og-day on top of the ar-cay, the better)
***
Problem: Seen as such a product of privilege as to be unable to understand the lives of ordinary citizens.
Expectation:  Make a big show of being a regular fella and getting to know regular folks.
New Tactic: Mock regular fellas.  Mock them for their lazy regularity.  Mock them to their badly dressed faces.  Speak of them in such a way that we can feel his lips curling in near physical nausea and disdain.
Rationale: Works for reality TV.
***

They’ll EXPECT us to thank them for a lifetime of service… but imagine their surprise when we just shout, “GET A JOB, FREELOADER!” at them!

Problem: Candidate is seen as unsympathetic to struggling people.
Expectation:  Lay out plan for helping people in need.
New Tactic: Label all people who aren’t working as lazy, dependent moochers.  Use statistics and include in that number retirees and disabled veterans. 
Rationale: The AARP is one of the most powerful lobbies in the country, and by labeling people who’ve worked their entire lives, contributing to the system before retiring as shiftless sponges in their later-years, we’ll reignite that old spark!
***
Problem: Candidate is continually being caught spreading deliberate misinformation and misleading ideas.
Expectation: More thorough fact-checking and clear points.
New Tactic: Blatant, over-the-top lies.  New automated phone message will include the assertion, “Obama diverted $1.5 Billion to fund Muslim attacks on the US.”
Rationale: Attempt to induce shock and disbelief-induced paralysis and/or heart-failure.  Remember: they can’t disagree with you if they can’t physically function.
 ***
Problem: Even conservative pundits and journalists are using adjectives like “ignorant,” “cruel,” “seemingly deliberately lying,” “incompetent,” “almost sociopathic.”
Expectation: Losing.
New Tactic: Still working in this one…

***

Alright, team – this campaign won’t know what hit ‘em!  Let’s get out there and blow their expectations out the back of their skulls!

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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66 Comments on “The Romney Campaign: Defying Expectations!”

  1. wildramp Says:

    Importunately, this seems too close to the truth to be funny, especially since so many people are preparing to vote Obama rather than for Romney….they have stopped paying attention.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Actually, everything under the “new tactic” part is, in fact, true – including the automated phone message about Obama funding attacks on the US (Which, amazingly, came while I was writing this. It’s like the Romney campaign wanted to help). And it is always dangerous when people in a democracy stop paying attention – especially to their own party.

      Reply

  2. Life With The Top Down Says:

    I can not tolerate the lying, the spreading of the lies and finally the arguing over the lies. These very poor examples are spreading like wildfire into our everyday lives. I can just about talk to people at this point and we won’t even discuss Facebook…dear lord that is a whole other animal. I was recently deleted for answering the question “be honest, I want your honest opinion, am I crazy to believe that the world is coming to an end at the hands of our president?” Some people can’t handle the truth I guess.
    Great post, funny but so sadly true.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Especially since the world is OBVIOUSLY coming to an end at the hand of the Mayans.

      It’s funny, isn’t it? Politicians lie, obviously. Obama lies, McCain lied, they all lie. But there’s a strange, invisible line politicians cross sometimes and I don’t know what the difference is. But suddenly it feels loathsome instead of business-as-usual.

      There was a news story recently about a blanketly false statement being made over and over by Romney that conservative groups were even saying was patently untrue and that he needed to stop saying it, yet – even confronted with that – wouldn’t. It was a good line so it didn’t matter.

      Reply

  3. Elyse Says:

    B-man, you’ve summed up the Romney candidacy perfectly. I’m pretty sure the new tactic will be similar to their tactic on Seamus the dog on the roof. They just won’t mention the fact that they are lying and that their policies destroy our country…

    Reply

  4. Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson Says:

    It’s actually too bad that the Republicans can’t seem to find a non-zillionaire to run for president. I think a real Joe is probably the only person who might have had a shot at beating Obama. I mean, who wants to admit to voting for Romney at this point. And Christ Christy is just scary. Do we want these people to represent our country?

    If you ask me, what we REALLY need is a hot teacher in the White House…

    Just sayin’. 😉

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      If I can have Van Halen’s “Hot For Teacher” as my campaign theme song, I’ll consider it.

      Actually, my campaign would be derailed immediately, because I periodically tell people, “If I ever run for president, I’ll say all the usual campaign-promise nonsense, but just know that my real agenda includes ____ (Annexing Scotland/ making Paul Newman’s birthday a national holiday/carpet-bombing Las Vegas/giving bears bazookas/etc.)”

      Reply

  5. speaker7 Says:

    I think he should next say something like “The children aren’t our future” and “The bald eagle looks like a stupid jackass.”

    Reply

  6. Valentine Logar Says:

    Didn’t you say you were going to run? Can I be your campaign manager, this seems to be a fairly simple job.

    Perhaps Renee could be your VP

    Reply

  7. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    oh man you nailed it..this is exactly what Romney needs and if this doesnt help then this world is not fit for living i say

    Reply

  8. Deborah the Closet Monster Says:

    Remember: they can’t disagree with you if they can’t physically function.
    Bwahaha! Finally I’m seeing the overall strategy clearly. Until now, I’ve been stuck simply shaking my head and asking, “WTF?” Now I’m getting it, thanks, naturally, to you.

    Reply

    • Transitioning Mom Says:

      Deb, like you I’ve been perplexed by Romney and found myself quoting Scooby Doo (Rahrooroo?) far too often when pondering the latest Romney-isms. I found this post to be quite the tutorial; so helpful, in fact, I will be sharing it with my family and friends so they can tell two friends, and they can tell two friends, and so on and so on.

      And to The Byronic Man, one question. You write:

      “Problem: Seen as such a product of privilege as to be unable to understand the lives of ordinary citizens.
      Expectation: Make a big show of being a regular fella and getting to know regular folks.”

      Would Ann claiming to buy his shirts at Costco be part of this strategy?! Oh–he and Ann almost had me. I’ll bet they don’t buy their hash-browns or toilet paper in bulk either!

      Reply

  9. Go Jules Go Says:

    Honestly, we have this thing in the ag-bay.

    Reply

  10. mistyslaws Says:

    Could it be that at this point he is just so overwhelmed that he doesn’t WANT to be prez and he’s intentionally trying to throw the whole thing? I mean, that would make more sense than what is actually happening. I is cunfussed.

    Reply

  11. susielindau Says:

    At this point my expectations couldn’t be lower….I think you should run. I’ll write you in on my ballot!

    Reply

  12. clemarchives Says:

    I still have moments where I forget Mittens is actually the candidate and not just that guy who’s been trying to be the candidate for so long because he felt he needed to create the Romney dynasty after his father couldn’t get the nomination.

    I remember listening to NPR during the RNC and the journalists and pundits all talked about the blatant lies by the speakers there but then laughed because they realized many of the Republican base wouldn’t care. Blerg!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Really, everything they said was completely true except for not having actually happened. So who’s really the liar? The person who says it, or the person who doesn’t do the thing that was said?

      Reply

  13. Cassy Says:

    The one bad thing about my vacation was watching cable and having to deal with the political commercials. Like they were all hate commercials done by Romney (or at least his publicity group)… He has nothing positive to say about himself so he just tears down Obama? Can’t do like a photo op with orphaned kids? Giving ice cream to children? It’s just sad.

    Reply

  14. thesinglecell Says:

    Here’s what really disturbs me (this is not a funny comment, since, as you said, your post is mostly true and therefore not meant to be funny): he will pick up votes with his new approach – which is basically shoring up his base. You may have heard him say the other day that people who don’t pay taxes won’t vote for him because the idea of cutting taxes doesn’t do anything for them. It’s an interesting strategy. I love it when Republicans claim that the only kind of class warfare is the kind that shows concern for the lower 98%.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      It’s also a sad state of democracy that a candidate doesn’t focus on what’s right, or what will best represent the nation as a whole, but simply “okay, forget 47% of the country – they’re on the bad list. I only intend to try to help the other half.”

      Reply

  15. Maria Says:

    This is rich! Thanks for the smirk and facetious laugh Byronic Man – Kudos.

    Reply

  16. Eric Benac Says:

    Funny but sad. Sad but funny. Is this the state of American politics? Yep! And it’ll only get worse from here on out, people. Get out your barf bags.

    Not that American politics (or politics) in general have ever been dignified. Still, I long for the days of cane fights in Senate.

    Reply

  17. Hippie Cahier Says:

    Rationale: Works for reality TV.

    It’s only a matter of time before our elections are conducted reality-tv style.

    Reply

  18. List of X Says:

    I would never consider voting for Romney, but at this point I am starting to feel bad about him (I am not stopping making fun of him just yet). He is beginning to feel like a pity candidate – you know he is probably not going to win, but he deserves a ribbon for his effort and hard work.

    Reply

  19. Michelle Gillies Says:

    As soon as I read the “pig latin”… “The less we bring up the og-day on top of the ar-cay” the tears started running down my face from laughing so hard. The rest of the post was a blurr 😉

    Reply

  20. becomingcliche Says:

    Brilliant. Although so near to the truth that I now need to go lie down.

    Reply

  21. tomwisk Says:

    Mittens is giving hack politicians all over the world a bad name. At least Letterman et al. will have material until November. Then they can bitch about the early onset of Christmas.

    Reply

  22. Angela Says:

    “They can’t disagree with you if they can’t physically function”…love it!

    Reply

  23. calahan Says:

    Republicans can pull this off if they change the ticket at the last minute. A Rafalca/Ryan ticket could win because of the ‘awww, it’s a pony’ demographic.

    Reply

  24. Remediator Says:

    Good post on Mitt’s incredible campaign. The Koch brothers must be wondering why $20 million just doesn’t buy what it used to.

    Reply

  25. jennygoth666 Says:

    politicians are the most corrupt on earth we in britain have the worst in cameron he is worse than margaret thatcher his side kick clegg is a donkey and the oppo ed milliband is a screw up too so while politicians argue and bleat like sheep we go to the dogs hope you get a decent president because this country look to yours for a leader in lots of things wow heavy going and im not into politics just living xjen

    Reply

  26. normapadro Says:

    I like what you said on your post. Thanks. Most of us have worked hard and are disabled, but they don’t have to think about that ever.

    Reply

  27. artzent Says:

    His own entitlement stupidity has done him in. He thinks that he is entitled to do or say anything that he wants and his money will back him up. Wrong!

    Reply

  28. Sandy Sue Says:

    Ooooohhh! Romney makes so much more sense to me now. Thanks for clearing all that up for me, B-man!

    Reply

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