First order of business: Just a note on Neil Armstrong’s passing away – what an amazing human being, not just because he was the first person to walk on an extra-terrestrial surface, but because by all accounts he was an incredibly decent, honorable, intelligent, hard-working person. He was, in other words, exactly the sort of person who warrants being elevated to the status of pioneer and hero.
“Beep-boop! There’s a divinity that shapes our ends, Rough-hew them how we will. Beep-boop!”
Second order of business: The winner of last week’s poll, regarding what story you’d most like to see retold in a new setting – Angelique Jamall made an impressive win with “Hamlet done with Robots”! There was a lot of love, also, for “Pulp Fiction with an Amish cast,” but Robot Hamlet carried the day. People love the classics, I guess. Although a Hamlet/Pulp Fiction mash-up would be pretty great, wouldn’t it?
“And you will know my name is Prince of Denmark, when I lay my vengeance down upon thee!”
“Is there a sign on my house that says ‘Dead Yorick Storage Facility?”
“Say ‘wherefore’ again! I dare you! I double-dog dare you, mother-f***er!”
And so on…
In any case, congratulations, Angelique, you’re my featured blogger! You can (and should) visit her blog here, or her more official looking site here
Third order of business: Thanks to everyone who contributed and read last week’s epic “Choose Your Own Adventure.” I know the entries were longer than normal – I tried, OH how I tried to edit them down further – so good job seeing it through.
The hardest thing really was the editing. A couple of my favorite moments that I had to cut:
- When they first flee the Fortune Telling shop, Bonkers says, “Yay! We’re going for a ride in the car!”
- In the final installment (which was abut twice as long in the original draft), there was a large section in which Pragyawati returns, and winds up stalling the manatee cult people to buy time. They want to kill her and she pulls a Jedi Mind Trick on them by saying, “You can’t kill me. I’m a Hindu cow; we’re sacred.” “But… but I’m not Hindu.” “Right, but I am. So I’m sacred.” “I don’t think that’s how… because… what?”
- Also in the final installment, in the finale, Phil the tour guide wanders in saying, “Hey, you cultists, and manatees, and federal agents, and other cultists, and Victorian ghost, and beagle, and girl who ripped my heart out, and pie delivery guy… you’re not supposed to be in here.”
- The most disappointing part, for me, was the insertion of the line “Hey, baby, what’s your super-power?” All the other lines and items that got voted in, I felt, worked in rather nicely. That one, though, was attached to a particularly lascivious cultist who keep hitting on Maxine the whole time, but that got cut out, and so it’s re-working now feels rather obviously forcibly inserted into the text. Boooo me.
Final order of business: The Question of the Week! Which is a two-fer this week! Because I’m hoping for a couple of things:
1. It’s “behind the scenes” time! Any questions you’d like to ask Maxine, Bonkers, Reginald, or any other characters – fire away here. They’re standing by and excited to take your questions!
2. A while back, I wrote an advice column post called “Ask Sexy Stalin.” It might be the weirdest thing I’ve ever written. So, of course, I thought I’d do another one! So, what relationship, career, or life advice would you like to ask Sexy Stalin? A sampling of questions will be featured in the upcoming post!
The Byronic Man 
August 26, 2012 at 8:34 am
Those all would have been great additions. But I understand about cutting down for length. One of the hardest things I deal with is trying to get rid of stuff once I’ve written it in a draft. It’s like trying to get rid of one of my kids. “No, not my precioussssssssss!!” So, yeah, I get you.
August 26, 2012 at 11:59 am
You almost made me snort broccoli out of my nose with that “precious” line. Which would have been painful, but almost worth it.
August 27, 2012 at 7:19 am
It’s one thing to tell my students to cut the parts of the story that aren’t necessary, no matter how much they love them… it’s another when it’s my own stuff.
August 26, 2012 at 8:54 am
I almost spit tea when I read “Ask Sexy Stalin”. How did I miss that?
August 27, 2012 at 7:20 am
You may have blocked it out?
August 26, 2012 at 9:10 am
Oh Christmas. How can I comment here without testing the character limit of the comment box? I forgive you for cutting Pragyawati and Phil from the final versions, mostly because you’ve brought back Sexy Stalin and are letting us ask the CYOA characters questions.
1. Reginald, if you could eat and drink again, but ONLY butterscotch schnapps, would you go for it?
2. Sexy Stalin, what is the sexiest way to tell someone they have horrifically bad breath? (Please do not consult Bonkers. He will lead you down the wrong path.)
I have so many more questions. Will Phil ever love again? Does Sexy Stalin know how to fold a fitted sheet?? What’s Bonkers’ favorite kind of pie?
August 26, 2012 at 9:30 am
Jules! Only Martha Stewart knows how to properly fold a fitted sheet. The rest of us just try to make it rectangular-ish and call it a day. Perfection is overrated. Plus, he was a busy guy. Power mongering kept him a very busy guy. Oh, you probably like him because of the vodka. Never mind. Carry on.
August 26, 2012 at 11:00 am
Fitted sheets are folded into a ball – oh, that’s just me?? I see … they DO fold into something rectangular or square??
Hmm, be looking for this “how to” in an upcoming MJ post. hehehe
August 26, 2012 at 12:02 pm
The key is to have only one fitted sheet. You take it off the bed, wash it, put it back on the bed. No folding required.
August 26, 2012 at 2:35 pm
1. Reginald: Ah, even the taste of the basest butterscotch liqueur would be the breath of a goddess to these starved sense. Oh, the torment of the damned!
2. Phil: What? Oh. I don’t know. My heart’s pretty broken ‘n shit.
3. Bonkers: Well, a big pie is the easy answer. But if you’ve never had a bacon-ham-cheese-venison-peanut butter-cracker pie… you should totally make one for me.
August 27, 2012 at 6:02 am
Clearly no one will rest until I put the ‘how to fold a fitted sheet’ issue to bed (GET IT? GET IT?!).
Stay tuned next week, my friends. Oh-hoh, stay tuned…
P.S. – Phil – Call me.
August 27, 2012 at 7:58 am
Why would you need to fold a fitted sheet? – just keep it on the bed.
August 26, 2012 at 9:36 am
I have seriously mixed feelings about handsome warmongers. That said, I’m still quite curious. What was it like to sit in a room with Churchill and FDR? Was there massive consumption of vodka, Scotch, and tobacco products? Did the three of you make the Kennedys look like teetotalers?
August 26, 2012 at 10:38 am
Yay! 🙂 Thanks! And I really like the Hamlet/Pulp Fiction mash-up lines you’ve written. Definitely something to that… 😉
As for the questions, I wonder: Dragon, what’s the most unusual thing someone’s ever said to you about your breath, and how’d you take it?
August 26, 2012 at 5:10 pm
WHY? WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BREATH?
I REMEMBER A WONDERFUL WOMAN WHO ONCE TOLD ME MY BREATH WAS MASCULINE – LIKE LEATHER, SMOKE AND SPICE. I FELL IN LOVE INSTANTLY. THEN SHE ROBBED ME.
August 26, 2012 at 8:37 pm
Nothing wrong with it at all. Duh. 😉
August 26, 2012 at 11:12 am
Ask sexy Stalin:
Is it true that you’re hiding an “I ♥ Stalin” tattoo under your scarf? Had heard a rumor that Stalin had you tattooed during one of your exiles to Siberia.
August 26, 2012 at 12:10 pm
Hi Maxine! How old are you? Also, I’d like to become a fortune-telling scam artist; can you give me any advice?
August 27, 2012 at 7:22 am
Maxine: By an amazing coincidence, I’m exactly the same age you are! (whatever age that is)
As for fortune-telling – an accent never hurts. Also, tacking on the phrase “if your open your heart and eyes to it” after predictions is a great way to put the blame on the customer for the predictions not coming true!
August 27, 2012 at 2:33 pm
You’re good, Maxine! I may be ready to scam it up. Wait, that sounds dirty.
August 26, 2012 at 4:15 pm
Bonkers – What do you think of loyalty, doggy backpacks, and zapping barking collars?
Sexy Stalin – What is the sexiest political position?
August 26, 2012 at 5:07 pm
Loyalty: Trust me with your life, but not with your lunch.
Doggy Backpacks: I didn’t think it was possible to suck the joy out of walktime, but you humans found a way, didn’t you.
Zapping bark collars: Just a flagrant violation of the first amendment. The day a dog gets his law degree and/or in to a position of power at the ACLU, you’re going to see the mother of all class-action suits.
August 27, 2012 at 5:35 am
Ooo, I love this.
1. For Maxine. What’s the story with Phil?
2. Dear Sext Stalin. How can I get my husband (Steve Rogers/Captain America/Chris Evans) to take a break from Hollywood and come home to service me?
August 27, 2012 at 7:25 am
Maxine: Well, more details about Phil will emerge in the next CYOA story… but the short version is, sometimes you make dumb dating decisions. Sometimes you realize you’ve made a dumb decision. Sometimes you kinda sorta let the person know that you’ve made a dumb dating decision…
August 27, 2012 at 7:41 am
Was just reading your “Ask Sexy Stalin” post. Seriously, what took you so long to bring that back? Genius. 🙂
August 27, 2012 at 7:49 am
I would like to know what kind of hair product(s) J.S. is rocking.
A meaningful question, right?
I mean… that’s some impressive volume, comrade.
August 27, 2012 at 9:25 am
Dear Sexy Stalin,
In the movie Monty Python & The Holy Grail, humor masks a serious (some might say eternal) question of the rights of the worker being oppressed by the ruling class.
My question is this: have you ever heard anything funnier than this exchange?:
Large Man with Dead Body: Who’s that then?
The Dead Collector: I dunno, must be a king.
Large Man with Dead Body: Why?
The Dead Collector: He hasn’t got shit all over him.
August 30, 2012 at 4:04 am
Has Reginald ever been in love?