Don’t seek relationship advice from this man
Joseph Stalin, the former tyrannical leader of the Soviet Union, wasn’t always all moustaches, starched uniforms and genocide. In his early life, he was a sexy, swarthy man, eager to listen to your problems and offer advice as only a handsome, sensitive young man could.
When Joseph Stalin looked like this, on the other hand…
Dear Sexy Stalin, Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’ve settled in my romantic life. My boyfriend is nice, and basically supportive of me, but he’s kind of lazy. He just wants to hang around the house and watch movies. When I ask him about his dreams or ambitions he just makes a joke. He thinks I’m being ridiculous. Am I? Signed, Boyfriend’s Fire Needs Reigniting
Dear Boyfriend’s Fire, Listen, beautiful girl. This boyfriend, he sounds worthless. There. I have put it out there. Ask yourself: this boyfriend of yours, would he kill millions of his own people for you? Salt the earth and burn the crops to keep another man from getting his hands on you? No? Then he is weak. It’s time to throw him aside. Girl, you need to drop that spectator and get with a dictator.
Dear Sexy Stalin, I’m turning 30 in a few days and I’m starting to worry that I haven’t done anything with my life. No relationship, a job I couldn’t care less about. Am I wasting my life? Signed, Taking Stock
Strangely, people keep getting sick and, well, mutating, which means Now Hiring!
Dear Taking Stock, It’s never too late! 30 is the new… something. There is plenty of time for a sexy woman like yourself (you are a woman, yes?) to find a strong, powerful man and breed. If your work does not contribute to the good of your nation, you must find new work and report those employers who dare exploit the working class without thought to the nation. Remember – when all else fails, there are always uranium mines that needs workers! And uranium mines make a nation glorious and powerful.
Sear Sexy Stalin, I constantly sabotage myself. It’s like I’m afraid of committing to one thing in my life, so I constantly mess up anything I make happen so I don’t have to let go of all my other dreams. Help! Signed, Scared To Grow Up
Shooting each other for showing a hint of cowardice. It’s what comrades do.
Dear Scared, All people are scared, sometimes they just need a little push to help them go forward. If I had, say, a bunch of soldiers facing an enemy force, it’d be only natural that they’d be scared; tempted to run away. I’d like to think that I could provide a line of soldiers behind them who would shoot them dead at the first sign of retreat, including even a single step backward, in order to help them move forward. Perhaps kill their entire family as an added threat.
Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Surely there’s someone in your life who would be willing to shoot you dead if you don’t charge forward! A friend, a parent, a co-worker. Ask around. I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised how many people are there to help.
Do you have a question for Sexy Stalin? Ask your questions for Sexy Stalin, and if he chooses you, he’ll help on your path! Or he’ll banish you to the Gulag.
The Byronic Man 
May 14, 2012 at 3:23 am
Dear Sexy Stalin,
OMG you are so awesome I always waned to marry a Dictator,am I an era too late !
Is there still hope for me, for i would love to marry someone who kills others for no rhyme or reason or may be a reason if he feels generous.
Regards
~Despo kinds
May 14, 2012 at 9:57 am
Well, there’s always another dictator. They may not have a cool scarf and stubble, though…
May 14, 2012 at 5:08 am
Shooting each other for showing a hint of cowardice. It’s what comrades do.
See? Being 1/2 Irish (my paternal grandmother came from Donegal as a bairn) and 1/2 Russian Jewess (on mum’s side obviously, I always say Russian dudes are hot (til they look like Stalin and they all seem to go that way).
May 14, 2012 at 9:55 am
A diet of vodka, radiation, and beets would tend to age a person.
May 14, 2012 at 12:22 pm
That’s why I switch it up with whiskey, poverty and cabbage.
May 14, 2012 at 5:49 am
Dear Sexy Stalin,
Whatever should I do ? I fell in love with a man who believes in all these crazy democratic ideas… all I hear from him is talk about ‘capitalism” and “free speech” and this craziness of “equal rights” – Is there any hope ?
May 14, 2012 at 9:54 am
Fortunately, the solution is simple: Report him to the authorities and we will “re-educate” him at a facility, at no charge to you! We will also supply you with a new man his is more sensitive to your needs to work hard for the good of the nation and its leader.
May 14, 2012 at 7:49 am
I love this line, “Girl, you need to drop that spectator and get with a dictator.” Awesome!
I would like to ask Sexy Stalin if men prefer a progressive woman or a conservative woman.
May 14, 2012 at 9:51 am
SS: So long as they do not share any of their beliefs, and work hard and produce strong children, women should have the freedom to believe whatever they like. Unless it is anti-authoritarian.
May 14, 2012 at 10:16 am
Those are such generous conditions!
May 14, 2012 at 8:59 am
He really was pretty hot, what with that chiseled jaw, that tousled hair, and that gleam of the monster-promising-hell-on-earth-for-millions twinkling in his eye.
May 14, 2012 at 9:49 am
You really can see someone flirting with him… and then he breaks out the “those who question the state must be executed” stuff.
May 14, 2012 at 9:59 am
You know who else wasn’t half-bad looking? Qaddafi. Seriously. Back in the day he had that smouldering thing going on. Dictatorship is bad for the skin.
May 14, 2012 at 8:50 pm
“If you’re going to oppress, moisturize!”
May 14, 2012 at 10:10 am
Dear Sexy Stallion…er..Stalin,
My anniversary is coming up. 17 years. My husband is more of the “techie” type rather than the “dictator” type. He has only had me pregnant for less than two of those 17 years. Plus he is kind, sensitive, helpful and all those annoying qualities men probably should not possess (he even helped rescue a baby bunny last week…phhhttt). Still I don’t wan to lose him because I am too lazy to find another man so I should probably buy him a present. So what should I get him? I honestly have no ideas!!
Unmotivated and Clueless
May 14, 2012 at 8:49 pm
He craves for his birthday what all men crave. Slip in to something sexy, and when he gets home from work surprise him at the door with the heads of his slain enemies and their lands conquered. He’ll be thanking you, and you’ll be thanking me! *wink*
May 14, 2012 at 3:49 pm
You are da bomb, metaphorically speaking….Stalin, who else would I go to for advice, I mean…..:)
May 14, 2012 at 8:47 pm
You could try Mussolini for advice, but he’s all, “Trains, trains, trains!”
May 14, 2012 at 6:01 pm
Uranium mining does sound tempting.
I could always use an extra hand.
But with my luck I’d probably just wind up with a tail or something disappointing like that.
May 14, 2012 at 8:46 pm
Not a lot of art out there painted by tail. Something to think about.
May 14, 2012 at 6:11 pm
Dear Sexy Stalin,
I have a problem. People laugh at my moustache and paintings. I just want to expand my horizons. Like Poland. Any advice?
The Corporal
May 14, 2012 at 8:45 pm
Really just one piece of advice: Stay out of Russia in the winter. Trust me.
May 14, 2012 at 10:26 pm
Dear Sexy Stalin,
Does my nuclear program make me look fat?
Sincerely, Mahmoud from Iran.
May 15, 2012 at 6:34 am
The key is to keep your missiles vertical. This has a slimming effect and the dictator in front of them, threatening to annihilate their conjured enemies.
May 16, 2012 at 5:04 am
Ha! Well, I DID have a question for Sexy Stalin, but Taking Stock asked it for me. Uranium mining! Of course! It can’t be worse than pharmaceutical project management.
May 16, 2012 at 6:23 am
No one else will call me out on it, but surely you will: Ask Sexy Stalin is the absolute weirdest thing I’ve ever done here, isn’t it.
And yet I’m sorely tempted to make it a recurring thing…
May 16, 2012 at 6:29 am
Really? You think *I’m* going to tell you it’s weird? I have an imaginary second husband and a dog named after a “Full House” character!
So, yeah. I hope we get to submit questions for the next round.